Chapter 19
NINETEEN
The large breakfast table was quite full now, with nine of us there the next morning. Douglas had gone to help Coco in the kitchen, and they had waved the rest of us away, so we sat and drank coffee – or in Theo’s case, orange juice – and talked about what we were going to do that day.
‘It’s the dress rehearsal for the Nativity this afternoon,’ said Alexander, ‘so Dad and Theo are going to be tied up doing that. Fallon, I wondered if you’d like to come and see the place the Christmas Fayre’s being held? I promised the man organising it that I’d pop by so that we could decide exactly where the van would go.’
‘Good idea,’ I said.
Secretly I was excited that Alexander and I would finally have some time together, just the two of us, and by the way he was smiling at me, I could guess that he was of the same opinion.
‘I’m cracking on with the book,’ said Constance, ‘but I don’t mind taking you and my laptop up to the sanctuary this morning if you like, Theo? As long as Sadie doesn’t expect me to mop the brows of sickly little mice, I’m happy to do that.’
Giggling at the image, Theo agreed enthusiastically. Douglas and Coco came in then, with heaving trays of food, and there was the usual bustle as we jumped up to help them put it all out. I was just trying not to dive into the heavily buttered toast with indecent haste when my phone rang. Sam again. I tapped the green button and ran out of the room.
‘Sam, hello, everything okay?’
Of course, it turned out that everything was not okay, and I went back to join the others with a heavy heart.
‘Are you all right?’ asked Coco as I sat down.
‘Sort of,’ I answered. ‘That was Sam. Another problem, but this time with a client. I’m afraid I’m going to have to go back to London and sort it out.’
A silence descended over the table, eventually broken by Alexander.
‘It’s funny,’ he said. ‘I’d almost forgotten about London. You can’t deal with it from here?’
‘Unfortunately not. It’s a regular but tricky client who is all but threatening to pull her business from us if I don’t go and coordinate the event in person. She had plenty of notice that I wasn’t going to be there, and was fine with it a few weeks ago, but she isn’t now.’ I shrugged. ‘Keeping people happy is part of my job description.’
‘Poor you,’ said Estelle. ‘I suppose you can’t just dump them?’
‘Not really,’ I replied. ‘Although I’ve been tempted more than once.’ I sighed. This was the last thing I wanted or needed, but there was no question over whether I should go or not. ‘I’m sorry about this afternoon, Alexander, I was looking forward to it.’
‘When will you be back?’ asked Theo, the faintest tremor in his voice. ‘It’s the Nativity tomorrow evening.’
I bit my lip.
‘I don’t know, sweetie, I’m sorry.’ He looked so disappointed that I wanted to cry, but I didn’t want to make a promise to him that I wasn’t sure I’d be able to keep.
‘Oh, for heaven’s sake, I don’t know what everyone is looking so morose for.’ My mother’s voice cut across the table. ‘Fallon has to look after her business and is doing what she needs to do. Clients can be difficult, but that’s their prerogative when they’re paying the bills. Chin up, darling, it’s just a little trip to London, not to the gallows. If you’re going to be successful, you need to learn to juggle.’
I was irritated by her patronising tone of voice.
‘Like you did, you mean?’
‘That’s right. I suppose you’re insinuating that I didn’t do it well, that you suffered ? You were always fine, and I had to work – to put food on the table and then to send you to an extortionately expensive school, not to mention for my own sense of pride and well-being.’
‘I wasn’t fine, you know,’ I said calmly, aware that everyone was listening, but prepared to have this conversation with an audience rather than continuing to bottle up the truth. ‘I was lonely, and I hated being palmed off on your random acquaintances.’
‘That was only for a few years, until you went away to school. And anyway, my “acquaintances”, as you call them, were wonderful. Look at Jason! So relaxed and never minded the late nights.’
‘Do you even know Jason’s surname? Did you know it then? Jason was relaxed because he smoked so much pot – and he offered it to me when I was ten .’
‘Jason was the most marvellous character – he would never have harmed you.’
‘Jason was a criminal.’
‘What twaddle. He was awfully charming. Anyway, I don’t know what suddenly makes you the authority on motherhood. You’ve clearly chosen your career and that is fine, darling. I applaud you. Sometimes, you have to disappoint people to work, that’s just how it is. Theo, you’ll be all right, won’t you? The rest of us will be here cheering you and Douglas on.’
Theo nodded miserably but didn’t speak. It was at that moment I made up my mind.
‘Don’t worry, Theo. I will get back, I promise.’
He looked up, his face brightened as if the sun had come out.
‘Really?’
‘Really. It’s only a few hours on the train and the event’s tonight. Of course I’ll be back, I wouldn’t miss it.’
Constance put a hand on my arm.
‘Not too knackering for you, all that travelling?’
I could have cried at her concern. Why couldn’t that have been Mum’s line?
‘Not at all, it’s only once. And maybe there’s a possibility of a few Fat Rascals to take with me? They’ll give me plenty of energy.’
‘I’ll pack them up for you now,’ said Coco. ‘And Mum’s going to teach me how to make them, so there will be a fresh batch waiting for you when you get back.’
‘There you go,’ I said, smiling at Theo. ‘If I needed any more motivation, that’s certainly it. Right, I’d better go and get my stuff together and check the train times.’
Mum looked up, a sour expression on her face.
‘Maybe you could put some thought into our engagement party on those long train journeys, darling.’
I gave her my sweetest smile but left the room without replying. It was only when I was alone that I buried my face in my hands. How on earth was I going to keep all these people happy?
As I was gathering some things into a bag, there was a tap on the door.
‘Come in.’
It was Alexander.
‘How are you doing?’ he asked.
‘All right, thanks. There’s a train at quarter past ten to King’s Cross, which only takes a couple of hours. I was just about to look up the number of a cab firm, or can you recommend one?’
‘Don’t be daft, I’ll run you into York.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Of course. Constance will take Theo to the sanctuary in her car.’
‘Thank you, that would be great. It already feels weird to leave you all behind to go to the sanctuary and deal with the Christmas Fayre while I head to London. It feels a long way away.’
I was overwhelmed with a confusion of feelings and stared into my bag, unable to corral my thoughts and decide what else I needed to take with me. Alexander pushed the door shut, came over to me and slid his hand around my shoulders.
‘We’re going to miss you.’
I looked up at him.
‘I will do my absolute best to get back for the Nativity. I’m sorry that Theo is so worried about it – I had no idea how much he wanted me there.’
Alexander gave my shoulders a squeeze, then dropped his arm and stepped away.
‘He has become attached to you very quickly,’ he said evenly. ‘I’ve been surprised – it’s unusual for him.’
Not sure how to respond, I slipped through the curtain and down to the bathroom to give myself some breathing space. I grabbed the toothpaste to give myself an alibi when I returned – unnecessary as I had plenty at home in London – and sat down on the edge of the bath for a moment, gazing through the window at the beautiful but bleak moors. Having Alexander’s son become attached to me was not something I would have even dreamed of, let alone encouraged, and now that it had happened, I wasn’t sure how I felt. Scared I may be, but even so I had a responsibility to Theo, not to let him down. I liked him so much, and I couldn’t deny that I had an odd feeling of what I can only describe as protectiveness towards him. Well, that’s normal, I told myself, standing up and taking some deep breaths. You’d feel like that towards anyone you liked – adult or child – particularly if you knew they were a bit vulnerable. It’s not pretending to be anything you’re not, just – kind. Feeling slightly better for this pep talk, I went back up to the bedroom, brandishing my toothpaste.
‘I think that’s everything,’ I said, aware of a slightly false brightness in my voice. ‘I will make sure I’m back for the Nativity tomorrow.’
Alexander nodded and we headed downstairs. Coco presented me with a food parcel that would last a week rather than a train journey and I said my goodbyes, getting an extra hard squeeze from Theo and a brave smile coupled with troubled eyes.
‘You will be back tomorrow?’
‘I’ll be back tomorrow. See you then.’
Once Alexander and I were on the road, I spilled out what had been worrying me.
‘I’m not sure I should have made that promise to Theo, that I’ll be back in time. I mean, I should be, but now I’m feeling terribly anxious that something will go wrong.’
Alexander glanced at me.
‘It’s difficult with kids. You want to make everything right for them, but it’s only too easy to make promises you can’t keep. I’ve done it myself plenty of times, but it gets easier. When Holly – Theo’s mum – left, it was almost impossible to get it right, and she broke promises almost faster than she could make them. I felt complicit in that. She would say she was coming to visit, I would tell Theo, and then she wouldn’t turn up, leaving him with a strong sense of betrayal from both of us. And then she died, which at least stopped the uncertainty, but also robbed him of any hope.’
I dabbed at a tear that was threatening to fall.
‘That’s so awful, I’m sorry. I honestly don’t know how you do it. I mean, I don’t know the first thing about parenting, but in those circumstances…’
He shrugged.
‘It was hard. Parenting is hard, but amazing as well. And I wouldn’t say you don’t know the first thing about it.’ I stayed silent, unsure what he meant. ‘You’re good with people, Fallon, sensitive and warm. Children are people too. I mean, I know it’s a bit more complicated than that, but that’s what’s at the heart of it.’
‘It’s the ‘more complicated’ part I struggle with,’ I said. ‘What about wanting to do it, being prepared to take on the complications? I do deal with other people well, but I go home at the end of the day and have my space and time, without worrying that they’re suffering because of that.’
We pulled into the car park, and I went to open the door, but Alexander’s hand on my arm stopped me.
‘I hope it goes well in London. I’ll text you about the Christmas Fayre, send some photos.’
I nodded, wondering if we were going to kiss. But neither of us made the move.
‘Do,’ I said, pushing down a sudden surge of disappointment. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’
I stepped out of the car and headed towards my platform – back to London and doing what I did best.