Chapter 18 #2
‘Not at all,’ I said. ‘And no more crying. You do plenty for other people, it’s time someone helped you out a bit. Now, I’d better get that tea to Marilise before she sends out a search party.’
When I returned to the dining room, I told Marilise about Philip, but not about Astrid’s fears over the house; the last thing I wanted was her worrying as well.
‘I met him once, Philip,’ said Marilise, carefully cutting the ends of a piece of ribbon into a ‘V’ shape.
‘I can’t say I liked him all that much. I found him brash, but I wondered if he was the sort of person I’m not used to.
Astrid seemed to think he was a good idea, and who was I to question that? Maybe I should have.’
I shook my head.
‘No good ever comes of interfering in other people’s relationships, however well meant. I don’t think Astrid is too sorry – she’s more worried about India, who I think will be delighted.’
We fell into a companionable silence as we continued wrapping, but inside my head was a maelstrom. Was this new relationship, the only thing in my life which had felt right since Paulo died, going to disappear as quickly as it had come?
Later that day, when I was doing my usual paperwork, as well as making a start on returning the presents Astrid had bought for Philip, Nick came in.
‘Hello,’ he said, bending to kiss me. ‘Sorry I haven’t seen you all day, I’ve been snowed under with this latest app. Cup of tea?’
A few minutes later, he returned and sat down next to me.
‘Such a shame about Astrid,’ he said. She had told him about Philip after lunch, although I didn’t know if she had also raised her concerns about the house. ‘But she said she wasn’t too cut up about it.’
He paused.
‘Mmm,’ I said. ‘India told me that it’s made her Christmas – she didn’t like him at all.’
‘It’s India that Astrid is most worried about,’ said Nick, frowning. ‘She seems to think I’m going to kick them all out to live in London and sell Lyonscroft, like some crooked landlord.’
‘Are you?’ I asked as lightly as I could.
‘Of course not,’ he said roughly, then paused.
‘Sorry. No, I’m not, although this house is ridiculous, far too big for anyone.
I think that Astrid and India would be far better off somewhere smaller, still with room for the horse, of course.
But it’s not the time to discuss it with her.
And anyway, nothing will happen until Marilise… ’
‘Dies,’ I supplied. He nodded awkwardly.
‘Quite. Anyway, I’m thinking of sticking around for a bit myself,’ he said, putting his mug down and taking my hand.
I smiled.
‘Good. Although maybe I’ll be the one running off to LA, to avoid becoming my sister’s maternity nurse.’
I had thought he would laugh, but he looked at me seriously.
‘Well, why not?’ he asked. ‘There are worse places to live.’
‘You can’t mean it!’ I said. ‘What on earth would I do there?’
‘Nursing must be pretty transferable, isn’t it?’ he said.
‘I-I don’t know.’
I wasn’t ready for the unexpected turn this conversation had taken. Thankfully, Nick didn’t push it.
‘Well, lots for us all to think about,’ he said evenly, draining his tea. ‘I’d better get back to my app. See you later.’
He kissed me again and I tried to return to my jobs but found it impossible to focus.
As far as I could tell, Nick hadn’t altogether abandoned the idea of selling Lyonscroft and returning to LA.
The house was neither here nor there to me, but I was uneasy about his suggestion that I could move my life out there as well.
On the one hand, it felt thrilling: it sounded like he wanted me to be with him, and I thought that was also what I wanted, but it was far too soon to consider throwing my life in the air and moving halfway across the world together.
Or was it? What was I going to leave behind?
My family, who I loved but who were not that interested in me, and would be even less so once Steph started having babies?
My job which was, by its nature, transitory and could be left at short notice?
The thought of changing my work was something that had flitted across my mind recently, but I had not let it settle.
The truth was that live-in nursing of the sort I did was not compatible with a relationship and that, of course, was why it had suited me so well.
But I also could not ignore the fact that working with patients in the capacity I did comforted me, both by sustaining the link to Paulo and by helping me work out some self-inflicted penance I needed because he had died, because I had not been able to save him.
Pushing my paperwork to one side, I picked up my phone and scrolled through the photos until I found my favourite one of the two of us together.
I looked at Paulo’s beloved face, and was able to do so without crying or having to close the picture down quickly because it was too painful.
Even this change of feeling confused me, and when I heard India and Sofia come in from school, I jumped up, pushing both work and phone to one side.
I wasn’t hopeful, but maybe keeping busy with something else would take my mind off my worries.