Chapter 25
TWENTY-FIVE
The following morning was a busy one at Lyonscroft.
It was so nearly Christmas and deliveries were arriving so often that there was barely time to deal with one before the doorbell rang again.
India and Sofia kept themselves busy by baking more Linzer cookies, far more than any of us could eat.
Angela had suggested that they package some up and take them to neighbours, probably to get them out of her kitchen as much as anything, and this had caught their imagination – so much so that they had also started looking up food banks and nursing homes that might be willing recipients of their efforts.
Marilise had ordered piles of presents, and I helped her wrap them until I thought my fingers would bleed.
‘It’s probably my last Christmas,’ she said. ‘And I want to spoil everyone.’
In my line of work I am, of course, accustomed to patients dying, but my relationship with Marilise had become special, and the thought of losing her after such a short time of knowing her upset me, especially when, in my professional opinion, she seemed to be in particularly good health at the moment.
I went downstairs on the pretext of getting more tape and stepped outside into the garden to take a few breaths.
‘Are you all right?’
‘Oh, hello, Astrid, I didn’t see you there. Yes, I’m okay.’
‘Something’s upset you.’
I gave her a small smile.
‘Just Marilise. She says that seeing as it’s likely to be her last Christmas, she wants to get everyone lots of presents. I know she’s an old lady, I know what’s coming at some point, but it made me feel so sad.’
To my surprise, Astrid grinned and put an arm around my shoulders, giving me a big squeeze.
‘We all know we won’t have Marilise forever, but would it help if I told you that she’s been saying exactly the same thing for the past ten years? She loves buying presents and has found the perfect excuse.’
I laughed.
‘Thank you, that does make me feel better. And how about you? Are you all right about Philip?’
‘Better than all right. I’m so much happier.
I hadn’t realised how much I was burying myself to be with him, and now I know that Nick won’t sell Lyonscroft from under me I’m excited about the idea of buying something smaller someday, something that’s just for India and me – and Firefly, of course.
’ She paused, then said, ‘I don’t want to intrude, Laura, but what about you?
I know Christmas is a difficult time for you, anyway, and I can see that things haven’t gone smoothly with Nick. ’
‘It’s all right,’ I said. ‘I’ve done so much thinking, and I can remember Paulo now in a happier way. As for Nick, watch this space – if only there was some space, so that we could talk.’
‘If it’s time you need, I was going to suggest that I stay with Marilise, anyway,’ she said. ‘She keeps whispering to me about secrets and surprises, so I think she’d be glad if you were off for the afternoon. Go after lunch.’
I texted Nick, who had been holed up in one of the downstairs rooms all morning, working, and he texted back agreeing that this afternoon would work. I hoped that my plan would, too.
After lunch, Nick, Steve and I piled into my car, along with a flask of hot coffee and a bag of India and Sofia’s cookies.
As we drove the hour or so to the spot I had in mind, we mostly shared a comfortable silence, or chatted idly about Christmas and it didn’t feel like long before we were pulling into the pretty village of Mells.
‘There’s a gorgeous walk, with a surprise at the end of it, that Paulo and I used to do,’ I said. ‘This is the perfect weather for it! I love sunny winter days.’
‘It’s something I missed in LA,’ said Nick, as we started out along the bridle path. ‘The locals could never understand it when I wished for a cold day, and even a really bad one, sometimes. They didn’t understand the joys of snuggling up inside while freezing wind and rain lash the windows.’
I laughed.
‘You can have too much of any good thing, I suppose. There have been many English winters when I’ve longed for sunshine, so it works both ways.’
About fifteen minutes later, a gentle sound came to our ears. I had only done this walk once since losing Paulo, too scared of the memories it would stir up, but I found now that I felt nothing but happiness and excitement.
‘Is that water I can hear?’ asked Nick.
‘Yes,’ I replied. ‘That’s what I’ve brought us here to see.’
And in a few moments, we were standing by a small, beautiful waterfall that gushed out over rocks into the river beneath.
‘This is quite something,’ said Nick, who had grabbed Steve and put him on the lead, not wanting a freezing cold, dripping dog to take back in the car. ‘Thank you for bringing me here. Shall we sit for a while and have that coffee?’
‘There’s something I want to do first,’ I said and, taking off my gloves, dipped my hand into my pocket to pull out my necklace, its chain still broken. ‘It’s time to say goodbye. I won’t ever forget Paulo, or stop loving him, but I’m ready to move on.’
Nick gazed at me, a serious look on his face. Even Steve had sat down quietly, perhaps picking up on the solemn atmosphere. I stood up.
‘This was a special place for us, so this is where I wanted to say goodbye properly, and finally.’
I took a step forward and hesitated, looking down at the broken necklace lying in my hand.
Paulo had given it to me for my birthday, the first year we were together.
I had never had a proper boyfriend before him, and definitely never been given jewellery, so when I unwrapped the small box, then opened it to find the glowing pearl inside, I had cried with joy.
I remembered him wiping away my tears and saying, ‘but it was supposed to make you happy!’ and me throwing my arms around him sobbing, ‘it does, it does!’ Then we had both laughed as he helped me put it on, kissing the back of my neck as he did so.
I had worn the necklace every day since, until it broke.
Letting it go now, rather than having it mended and continuing to wear it, had felt right to me when I had thought of the idea, but standing on the edge of the waterfall, Nick and Steve in quiet sympathy behind me, I wasn’t sure if I could do it.
Then I thought about the memories I had allowed to surface in recent weeks and how wonderful it had been to feel both the happiness and the pain that they had brought, because they had made Paulo real again, a much-loved person, but one who must ultimately be let go.
Not giving myself a second longer to think about it, I raised my arm and threw the necklace into the pool where the water bubbled at the bottom of the waterfall. For a moment, I thought I was going to cry, and then peace washed over me and, sitting down again, I spoke.
‘Nick, I want to be with you. I’m not going to train as a maternity nurse.’ I paused and rolled my eyes, amazed that only a few short days ago I had even been considering such a thing. ‘And I’m not going to go and work for Steph – and definitely not Dorothea.’
‘Thank God for that,’ he said, a smile playing around his lips. ‘A change of career is one thing, but you’d have had to take early retirement to get over that job.’
I laughed.
‘You’re right, between them they would have finished me off.’
He reached out and took my hands, cold without the gloves I hadn’t put back on.
‘Well, you know that I wasn’t going to sell Lyonscroft, and that Astrid and India can stay there as long as they want?’
‘Yes.’
‘I made another decision.’
My brow creased as I looked at him.
‘To go back to LA?’
He squeezed my hands more tightly.
‘No. I decided that if you were going to be working for your sister nearby, then I would stick around, too. I can work from anywhere and it turns out the warmth of the Californian sunshine is nothing compared to how I feel when I’m with you.
So, it’s my LA house that won’t have its lease renewed, and I was going to keep living at Lyonscroft. ’
‘But you hate that house!’
‘Hated,’ he corrected. ‘This winter, for the first time in my life, it’s felt like a family home to me. And if it meant having the chance to make things work with you, then I was happy to stay.’
‘But what if…’
I trailed off, embarrassed to finish my thought.
‘What if you hadn’t wanted me?’ he asked.
I nodded miserably. The thought that I had so nearly pushed away this kind, funny, emotional man for a life of looking after other people’s babies nearly winded me.
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘All I was sure of was that I wouldn’t give up until I was a hundred and ten per cent sure you wouldn’t change your mind.
I thought that by staying nearby, then the possibility would be there, without the pressure.
I’ve never experienced the grief you did; it wasn’t up to me to have an opinion on how long it should last, but I wanted to give us a chance, even if we’d just been friends. ’
A wave of happiness coursed through me, and I leant forward and kissed him with such passion and relief and gratitude and joy that I never wanted to stop, and he kissed me back. It was only when Steve shoved his big, silky head between us that we broke apart, laughing.
‘Oh dear,’ I said, stroking his soft ears. ‘Are you jealous, Steve?’
‘He’s delighted,’ said Nick, pushing the dog back, who was trying to climb up and collapse on his shoulder. ‘He hated LA; the sand got between his toes, and everyone was cross because he was so much more naturally beautiful than they were.’
‘You’re a lovely boy,’ I said, rubbing Steve’s head and getting a lick on the cheek in return. ‘And much less high maintenance than Steph.’
‘He’ll be the perfect step-dog,’ said Nick. ‘As long as he doesn’t keep interrupting us.’
And with that he leant forward again to continue where we had left off.