Chapter 8
Lucy
With effort, I get a lock on my emotions and put a bland look on my face. I follow Mom and Lisa while we explore Washington, D.C., dine out, and shop. I ignore the concerned looks from my family and go through the motions. Other than Lisa, Mom, and Dad, no one would ever guess that I’m completely dead inside. I smile when it’s appropriate and feign interest in things I could give two shits about. The only emotion I actually feel is anger, and I refuse to let it show.
On our last night in D.C., we are attending a formal dinner party given in honor of my dad and his colleagues. I’ve been dreading it the whole trip, and Dad has insisted several times I don’t have to attend, but I’m going anyway. I had promised to before we left Denver, and I’m not backing out now.
I put the finishing touches on my makeup and stand just as Lisa enters my room.
“Holy shit! You look fabulous!” Lisa shouts.
I give Lisa a small curtsy that makes her laugh before returning the compliment.
“You look fabulous too.”
“Let’s go kick some D.C. ass,” she declares before sliding her arm through mine and pulling me toward the door.
Stepping into the elevator, I ignore the two well-dressed men standing at the back. I especially ignore the once-over they give us. When the door slides shut, one of them speaks.
“Which floor, ladies?”
I don’t answer but reach over and hit the button for the lobby.
“Going somewhere special?” a different deep voice asks.
I, again, don’t answer or look over my shoulder, but Lisa does.
“To a dinner,” she answers politely.
“And after this dinner, what then? Interested in meeting in the lobby for a drink, maybe?” the voice questions.
The door slides open at that moment, and I start to step out when a hand lands lightly on my elbow. Looking down, I see it’s a man’s hand and not that of my sister. I pull my arm away and glance up at the smiling man.
“Sorry. Didn’t mean to startle you, but I didn’t want you ladies to walk off without an answer,” he says while placing his hands in his suit pockets.
“No, thank you,” I respond in a flat tone.
“We have plans,” Lisa adds.
As we take a few steps away from the elevator, the men follow and then step in front of us. Hands up in a placating manner, smiling charmingly, the dark-haired one says, “Come on, ladies. One drink. That’s all we’re asking for.”
I feel my anger start to bubble up, but I bite back on it and again say, “No, thank you.”
I step to the side, me now being the one pulling Lisa along, and start to pass when they again block our way. I stop, sigh, and look up to make eye contact.
“Please move, and please take the word no as our final answer.”
“But, ladies—” he starts before I cut him off.
“Get out of our way before I put my heel through your scrotum,” I hiss.
A loud, unladylike snort escapes Lisa. Whether her laugh was at my words or the shocked look on their faces, I don’t know which. I brush past them, Lisa laughing, somewhat hysterically, beside me when I notice my parents only a few feet away. Mom’s eyebrows are at her hairline, but my dad’s are lowered as he glowers at the men.
“Let’s go, Daddy,” I order as I continue toward the exit.
Once seated in the limousine, I primly adjust my dress then look at my mother.
“Sorry you had to hear that,” I mutter.
“I’m not. That was perfect. Every mother wants to raise daughters that will stand up for themselves, and I have. My life is now complete,” she responds in a calm voice before turning to look out her window with a small, smug smile on her mouth.
I pretend not to hear her small laugh, and I continue pretending when it sets Lisa off again. Looking at my father, I’m humbled by the pride shining in his eyes.
“This party blows ass,” Lisa says while leaning against the balcony railing next to me.
“They all do. I don’t know how our parents have done these things for so many years.”
“They’re better people than we are, I guess,” Lisa states.
I sat quietly throughout dinner and let my family members carry the conversation. I answered the few questions I was asked and kept a small smile plastered on my face. I was the picture of decorum, and luckily, nothing catastrophic has occurred. I no longer consider a tray or a plate crashing to the floor as catastrophic, though. After dinner, when the mingling started, I took a glass of champagne off a tray and made my way to the balcony. I’ll never take more than a tiny sip or two from my glass, but it keeps the waitstaff from approaching. Lisa found me shortly after, and we’ve been people-watching ever since.
“Not to be mean, but that dress Senator Pullman’s wife is wearing might explode before the night is over,” Lisa muses.
“She somehow always fits 20 pounds of potatoes in a 5-pound sack and survives the night,” I reply.
“True. Maybe her dressmaker uses fishing line instead of thread.”
“If I wore that dress, my girls would have ended up on my plate during the second course,” I say.
“Same.”
My phone buzzes, and I pull it from my clutch to see I have a text from Bailey.
Bailey: Gunner’s picking you up from the airport tomorrow. Have him drop you at my house.
I place my phone back in my clutch without answering.
“Have you told anyone with the club that Chubs texted you?” Lisa asks in a subdued voice. “Have you asked any of them if he left town?”
“No, and I’m not going to. I’ll get questioned to death by everyone, but I’m not getting involved. It was his choice to leave, and if he wanted them to know anything, he’d have told them. He’s gone. I can feel it, and the text was his goodbye to me.”
“Honey, they’ll be worried to death. They won’t know if he left by choice or not,” Lisa says.
“He chose it that way, not me. Please don’t get involved either. He has his reasons, even if I don’t agree with how he’s doing things. That club loves him, and he decided to turn his back on them too.”
Lisa doesn’t respond, but she does lean her shoulder against mine in silent support. Before she even opens her mouth to speak, I somehow know what’s she’s about to ask.
“How much digging into his past have you done, little sister?”
“Enough to know he left by choice and that he left because it’s important to him. He’s not the kind of man to leave his club and me without it being gut-wrenching for him. I’m angry beyond words, actually, but a part of me understands why he chose this path. I’m angry, though, because he didn’t have to do this alone. I guess the anger comes from knowing he placed me so low on his priority list. As stupid as it sounds, I’m jealous of the fact that I wasn’t more important to him than why he left. Digging deep inside myself, I know that’s where the hurt is coming from, and it makes me hate that part of myself. He chose this, not me, but I’m left feeling like an ass for being selfish.”
“Lucy, my God, you have every right to be angry! You’ve given everything to that man, and he walked away from you. Be angry, be selfish. You’ve earned that right,” Lisa argues vehemently.
“He had solid reasons for why he did it, but I’m not sure I can forgive him. For now, I’m going to embrace the anger because it helps fight off the hurt. It gives me a cushion from all the other emotions I can’t handle right now,” I answer quietly.
“I’ll be angry with you then, and you take whatever time you need before tackling the other crap that goes along with his betrayal,” Lisa advises. “But please don’t let this make you self-destruct along the way.”
I hear and acknowledge her words, but they don’t soothe the thought that self-destructing may be my only way to avoid the crushing weight of pain coming my way.
I give my family members goodbye hugs and listen to their words of advice and encouragement before walking toward the huge, intimidating president of The Devil’s Angels MC. I force a small smile on my face as I note the deep concern in his eyes. I know he feels it’s his duty to break the bad news to me, and he’s going to try his best to soften the blow. While others stare at the man who towers over everyone with a sense of wild stamped on him, I only see a man who loves his family and friends deeply. Gunner carries the weight of responsibility on his broad shoulders well, but I know the situation with Chubs is a heavy load even for him. When I reach him, I’m suddenly engulfed in a bear-like hug before he releases me, grabs my suitcase, and leads me toward the exit.
He finally speaks once we’re seated in his huge truck and leaving the airport.
“Did you have a nice trip, Lucy?”
“Yes, it was nice to spend time with my parents and sister.”
“I’m glad to hear that, little one,” Gunner says quietly before pausing.
I know what he’s gearing up to say, but I stay quiet.
When he speaks again, his voice has deepened and gotten very serious.
“I need to talk with you about something, but before I do, I want to remind you how important you are to the club and everyone associated with it. Lucy, you are loved and respected by everyone. Every single one of us has not, nor ever will, forget what you did for Chubs, the club, the kids, and Bailey. No matter what happens in the future, you will always have the club at your back. Do you understand that?”
“Yes, I do. Thank you, Gunner. What do you need to talk with me about?” I ask while bracing myself to hear the actual words.
Before answering me, Gunner pulls the truck into a gas station and parks off to the side. Turning to me, I watch him steel himself for what’s about to come.
“Chubs didn’t show up at Ivy’s when he was supposed to. He didn’t answer any calls or texts, so Rex tracked his bike and found it abandoned alongside a road several miles from town. We don’t even know why he was in that area. His phone was smashed, gun still in the saddlebags, and keys in the bike, but no sign of Chubs. We haven’t been able to find him anywhere,” Gunner explains while watching me closely.
“Was Rex able to get anything from his phone?” I ask carefully.
I need to know if they know about the text he sent me before he left town.
“The SIM card was broken, and nothing can be recovered from it. Rex can’t find anything of value from the phone. Did he text or call you? Do you know anything that can help us find him?”
I hesitate to answer because the last thing I want to do is to lie to a man who has treated me so well. To a man that loves his club brother and is worried about his safety. Chubs has put me in a very awkward situation, and my anger rages to the surface. This is just another black mark I’m adding to my list of things I’m pissed at Chubs for, but I fight for control as I answer.
“No, I don’t.”
“Anything would help, Lucy. It might seem small, but—” Gunner starts before I cut him off abruptly.
“Take me to the bakery, please.”
“I know you’re—”
“Now, Gunner. I need to be alone, okay?” I snap before slamming my teeth together and turning to face the side window.
“I’ll take you there, Lucy, but you’re not going to be alone for long. Bailey’s not going to let that happen. Take some time for yourself but know you’re not alone in this. Every one of us will help you in any way we can. We’re not giving up on finding him. We will find him. I’ll give you some space, but if you know anything that could help us with finding him, please, God, let one of us know.”
I nod curtly but keep my head turned to hide the tears his concern has brought to the surface. I know he feels the pain of Chubs’ disappearance nearly as much as I do, but he doesn’t have the guilt I’m carrying for having to lie to his face. I know this is just the beginning of having to lie to people I love because of the one I love most.
When Gunner parks his truck in the back lot of the bakery, I reach over and grip his hand tightly for a moment. He grips mine back before I pull away, open the door, and slide out. I take my suitcase from Gunner without looking at him, turn, and make my way to the back door of the bakery.
As I pull the door open, I nearly break, turn back, and rush into his arms for comfort when he says with feeling in his deep voice, “Love you, Lucy. Please don’t cut us out of your life over this. We’ll find him, and when we do, I’ll beat his ass for causing you this pain.”
Glancing back at his beautiful face, I respond in a firm, steady voice.
“I’m not losing the rest of you too. Love you, Gunner.”
With that, I enter the bakery, ignore the looks from everyone, and go straight to mine and Chubs’ apartment. Entering it, I close the door, place my back against it, and slide to the floor. I pull my knees up, wrap my arms around them, drop my head, and let the tears come.
When Bailey arrives, as expected but dreaded, I have my defenses back in place. Blank face, calm voice, but the rage is still roiling in my stomach. After a long hug, she pulls back to study my face. I know she can tell I’ve been crying, but she doesn’t mention the telltale tracks of wetness streaking my face. Instead, she asks a question I don’t have to lie to answer.
“Are you okay?”
“No, I’m not okay. I feel like the floor has disappeared beneath my feet, and my reason for living is gone. I don’t even know how to be okay, but it looks like I have no choice but to figure that out.”
“The club will find him. They won’t stop until they do. You know that about them. In the meantime, we’ll get you through each day, one at a time, until he’s back home. Go take a shower, get into some comfy clothes, and I’ll make us a tea,” she orders gently.
I nod and make my way to the bedroom. Walking in, I stop, and a wave of pain rolls through me when I see different items that belong to Chubs still sitting around the room. My brain knows he’s gone, but nothing in our bedroom indicates that fact. It looks exactly like it did the last time I was here, and that’s an unexpected blow. I guess I just assumed our apartment would be as devoid of him as my new life. He didn’t take anything with him that I can see, and it’s unsettling.
Pushing past those feelings, I leave my suitcase by the bed, gather my PJs, and hit the bathroom. I stand under the hot water until I have my emotions back under control, then step out. I go through the motions of getting ready for bed without allowing my thoughts to drift to the fact that I’ll be doing that alone.
Bailey is sitting in the living room with two cups of hot tea. I pick one up and cradle it in my hands as I take a seat next to her.
“I know Gunner asked you some questions, but now that you’ve had time to think a little, do you know anything that could help locate him?” Bailey asks in a hushed voice.
“No, nothing. I know some Feds had been harassing him, but he never said why,” I answer in a steady voice.
The lies are adding up, but I’m hopeful they’ll get easier to spew at some point.
“Rex won’t stop until he finds something,” Bailey murmurs.
“What do the guys think? Did he leave on his own, or did he get taken?” I ask because I’m curious about how the club is leaning on this.
“It’s about 50/50. A few think the Feds took him for some reason no one knows about, and the others think he left by choice. Most likely to protect you or the club from some threat. I think he left to protect us simply because it’s Chubs and something he’d do.”
“If he left by choice and comes back, how will the club view that?” I asked with obvious concern.
“I don’t know for sure. I know the club would have to vote on a punishment if it’s warranted, but what that would be, I have no clue. I don’t know if it’s a beatdown kind of broken rule or a stripped patch. I can ask Axel what he thinks,” Bailey offers.
“I don’t know if I’m ready for the answer yet,” I mutter before taking a sip of my tea.
“I don’t think anyone has thought that far ahead yet. We just all want him found and to be okay, you know?”
I nod, indicating that I understand, but my mind is racing because I know Chubs knew the answer but chose this path anyway.
“Would you be offended if I said that I just want to be alone tonight?” I ask into the silence.
“Of course not, Lucy. I get it. I really do. I just wanted to be here if you needed me. I’ll get out of your way, but please call if you need anything. Do you want to meet for lunch tomorrow? Or come hang out at the gym with me?” Bailey asks as she stands to leave.
I stand and walk to the door with Bailey as I answer, “I don’t think so, but thank you. Maybe in a couple of days, though.”
“Fair enough. Call if you change your mind. Love you,” Bailey states before giving me a hug and walking out the door.
I lock the door behind her, place our cups into the sink, and drop onto the loveseat. Exhaustion slides over me, so I curl up on my side and try to get some sleep. After an hour passes and my mind is still too busy to sleep, I stand up and approach the bedroom again.
Flipping the overhead light on, I stare around the room. I see one of Chubs’ shirts thrown across the back of the chair and a pair of his boots sitting next to it. The top of his dresser looks like it did every single day we shared a room. Change, candy wrappers, a pair of fingernail clippers, and a photo of us together all compete for space. Next to our photo is one with all the club’s kids posing together with Mac photobombing it from behind them. Hanging from the corner of the mirror mounted above is one of Gee’s t-shirts with the words “Every Butt Needs a Good Rub” printed across it in bright purple glitter. On the other corner of the mirror are the goggles Chubs had made specially for Mac to ride his bike with him.
Looking at the closet, I see our clothes neatly hanging with a slight gap between his and mine. Mine take up over 80% of the space. A pair of battered black Chucks sit under his clothes alongside a small box filled with miscellaneous motorcycle parts, and that’s it for his belongings.
Stepping into the bathroom, my eyes glide over his toothbrush and comb. Nearly every other item in view is mine or a shared item like toothpaste. It suddenly dawns on me how little he kept here and that he didn’t take a single thing with him that I can tell at first glance.
His room at the clubhouse never had more than a couple changes of clothes, a few towels, and bathroom necessities. I thought that was because he didn’t consider it his home, but I completely believed this apartment was the beginning of our life together. Moving throughout the apartment, I slowly come to the conclusion that maybe he never planned on a life with me. Maybe I was simply a layover for him. Someone to pass the time with until he was ready to leave. Leaving a few belongings behind is no hardship and can be easily replaced. Having a full life, planning a future, buying items together as a couple would complicate the exit. I was left behind as easily as he abandoned his property.
I shove down the sob climbing up my throat and stalk to the kitchen. Grabbing a trash bag, I start gathering his items. When they’re all in the bag, minus Gee and Mac’s items, I toss the framed photo of us on top and tie the bag shut. I drag it to the door and place it in the hallway. Going back to the bedroom, I strip the bed, gather the used towels, and push the overflowing laundry basket out the door to sit next to the trash bag.
I remake the bed, set out a few clean towels, and then head for the kitchen to throw out his snacks. Opening each cupboard, I find none. I should have expected that. Making another walk-through of the apartment, I find nothing left of Chubs. Nothing except a petite woman, hollow inside except for anger, determined to never allow any man to make her feel like this again.