Chapter 1 #2
North had been there for me my whole life.
He was a constant companion and now that my mind was bright with feeling, I was seeing it all the clearer.
The time he’d spent watching over me, the care he’d taken to ensure I acted appropriately.
He could have abandoned me. He’d gotten nothing back from me in return for it, and I didn’t understand why he’d looked after me at all, but I did know that I wanted him here now. That I felt only warmth toward him.
Mirelle nodded stiffly then rose to her feet, chin lifting as she gazed at North. My brother looked back at her and I sensed some power play was passing between them before he walked over and sat right next to me.
“Well?” Mirelle asked, her dark eyes piercing through me.
“Everest did something else to me. She woke me up. She broke some magic upon my mind, shattering it until it was gone. And in doing so, she released my soul from the nothingness.” My lips tilted up again and I felt North’s eyes on my face.
“He’s smiling again,” he breathed, looking from me to Mirelle. “Fucking smiling. But it doesn’t make any sense. Why would the Void give him the ability to smile?”
Mirelle’s throat bobbed and her jaw ticked before she turned abruptly away from us and stared out the window opposite. Trees swept past outside, a landscape of forest and hills shadowed by the thickening night.
“You know something,” I said, the certainty filling me.
I tried to get to my feet, a heated, frantic energy rising in my body.
I wanted to grab Mirelle, shake her until she told me everything she knew, but North caught my arm to hold me back and the jarring of my injuries reminded me I wouldn’t have gotten far anyway.
“It was never meant to be this way,” Mirelle whispered as if the words were just for herself. “I only wanted to help you. To take away the pain.”
“What did you do to him?” North demanded. “What the hell is going on?”
Mirelle turned to face me, her expression tight, creases by her eyes.
“When I found you all those years ago, being attacked by those ice dogs, I loved you instantly. In that moment, you were mine to protect. I vowed to do all I could for you. It wasn’t your injuries that hurt you most though.
In the weeks after I took you in, you grieved.
You grieved so deeply for your family, Kaiser.
I did all I could. I soothed you. I housed you with North, knowing his Wolf nature would ensure he looked after you.
But you never let go of the pain, love. You were hurting.
You wouldn’t eat. You were growing so thin.
..” More tears fell from her eyes and North laid a hand on my arm, the heat of his touch making me look his way.
I felt a stirring in my chest, something coiled and barbed that wound around my heart.
North nuzzled me, his fingers brushing lightly over my arm. “I remember meeting you. I didn’t have any other pups to play with who were my age and you looked about as broken as I felt back then. You were my brother the day Mirelle brought you to me. That was all there was to it.”
“Then you remember his agony,” Mirelle said, her voice heavy and hard.
North slowly nodded, his eyes still pinned on me.
“You couldn’t sleep through the night. You’d dream of your family.
You’d call their names and I’d climb into your bed with you to hold you in my arms, but nothing helped.
You told me you wanted to be with them. That you wanted to find them in the afterlife.
I thought you might really do it. I feared you’d take your life. But then one day it just…stopped.”
I frowned, remembering that time through the haze in my mind. Yes, I could recall it now. That pain.
Agony tore through me at the memory of my mama’s face and I rose to my feet with a ragged gasp only to crash back to my seat when my leg gave out. My gaze fell on Mirelle and a strange fog fell over me as I tried to piece together what she had done.
My breaths came heavily; my chest wouldn’t expand enough to let them pass easier.
“I’m so sorry, love,” Mirelle rasped, stepping closer with a blaze in her eyes. “I didn’t know it would take so much of you.”
“You didn’t know what would take so much?” I demanded, clinging to my true mama’s face.
“What did you do?” North pressed.
“I went to the Reapers. I gave you a sleeping draft and carried you with me when I flew to the Astral Sanctuary in Osciron. I offered them any price to take away your pain.” Her face paled as North cursed her and she didn’t even reprimand him for it.
“And what did you pay?” North barked, shifting closer to me on the sofa.
“They said they would consult with the stars and ask what payment they wanted from me.” Her jaw flexed again.
“I would have done anything for you. You were mine. The stars had brought you to me and I couldn’t let you down.
I had to give them what they wanted.” She took a breath.
“When the Reapers returned, they asked if I would undergo something they called the Excrucior. A tormented slumber. A sleep that would last one night only but would feel like a hundred years to me. It forced me to live through the most excruciating deaths of my ancestors, year after year, their most painful moments of body and soul relived through my mind. I experienced it as if I was them, forgetting myself at times and–” Her shoulders tremored and her lips closed tight.
“Well, as hoped, the stars accepted my offering and the Reapers placed a spell upon you to supress your grief, Kaiser. At first, I was so happy that you could sleep again. That you would eat when I asked you to. But you were too quiet. Too placid. Too…empty. It seemed they hadn’t just supressed your grief but all of your emotions.
I took you back to them more than once. I begged for them to undo what they had done, but they said it was impossible.
The spell had been cast. It was unbreakable. ”
“Until the Void,” I said darkly, my brow lowering as this news crashed through me, all of it piecing together through the memories of a feelingless life.
“So all this time, you were under some spell,” North said, gazing at me while Calcifiend chirruped quietly as if he understood what was being said. “And now…”
“Now he can feel again,” Mirelle finished for him, a glint of joy in her eyes. “All thanks to the Void. She freed you.”
“Well fuck a duck,” North exhaled under his breath and I glanced at him, the look on his face combined with that image bringing another laugh to my lips.
“Yes, fuck all the ducks,” I laughed harder, then shoved to my feet, hobbling my way toward Mirelle, the laughter turning to something wickeder in a flash. I grabbed a lamp from the closest table and hurled it at the wall beyond her head, my mirth turning to a roar.
“Kaiser,” she implored, reaching for me but I smacked her hand away.
“You did this to me,” I snarled, grabbing her by the throat, fingers digging in tight and cutting off her air.
“Kai!” North yelled, closing in behind me and trying to pull me back but my blood was burning again and I couldn’t control the tide of liquid fire racing through me. This had to be rage.
Mirelle didn’t fight me, her lips forming around another apology as I choked her, another tear falling down her cheek.
A woman of war crumbling beneath me, showing me her only vulnerability.
Me. And all of her children. This Fae who had taken us in from the streets, left ragged and lonely from the brutality of war.
She had given us a home. A chance. A life. When no one else would.
Something cracked in my chest and I shoved her away. She fell into an armchair panting, her hand touching the red marks that my fingers had left on her skin.
I wheeled around, knocking North aside and grabbing a table, hurling the whole thing at the wall.
I limped over to a desk and shoved it to the ground hard enough to snap it in two then flung my fist into the wall.
The fire was blinding this time. My head a mess of thoughts, all tangled with jagged emotions I couldn’t put a label to.
Some squeezed, some jabbed, some cut, but all of them fucking hurt.
I threw my fist into the wood again and again until North wrestled me away from the wall, my knuckles split and bleeding. He jammed his knee into my bad leg and I shouted out as pain splintered through me and he dragged me back to the sofa, pushing me onto it with a firm glare.
“Stay,” he ordered, pointing a finger at my face, then he whirled to look at Mirelle. “He has no idea how to control himself. He’s a child in the body of a warrior. Do you know what you’ve done?”
“He’ll learn,” Mirelle whispered, her fingers still brushing the bruises which were forming on her throat.
Her eyes hardened, her tears now dry and that fierce look back on her face as she made some decision.
“He’s now your ward, North. Teach him the ways of his emotions so he can control himself.
Teach him well and teach him fast.” She got to her feet, giving me a lingering look before exiting the carriage and leaving me with my brother.
North’s brow lowered as he moved closer to me. “Do I even know who you are?” he whispered, almost to himself. “If all these years you’ve felt nothing, then how can you be who I know you to be?”
“If it helps, I don’t know myself either,” I gritted out.
His throat rose and fell as he considered that, his eyes dark. “We’re only an hour or so from Ravensview. Do you think you can learn not to choke anyone when you get angry in that time?”
My brows lowered and I looked to my hands, flexing the fingers that had tried to strangle my mother. A heavy weight pulled at my chest and North rested a hand on my shoulder.
“That tugging sensation is guilt. You feel bad for hurting her.”
“Yes, perhaps it’s that,” I agreed. “What am I meant to do now?”
“Apologise. Then don’t do it again.” He smiled then pushed a hand into my hair, restyling it to one side.
“I’m lost, North,” I muttered and he met my gaze.
“No, Kai. I’ve got you. We’ll figure this out together.”
I nodded, unsure if such a thing was possible, or if I was too far gone to be saved.
“Wait here, I’ll fetch us a drink. Sagittarius knows we need one tonight of all nights.”
North headed from the carriage, leaving me with Calcifiend who flew onto my hand, licking a jagged scratch he found there.
I petted his head, holding him higher to study him. The glimmer of his blue scales was more captivating than they had ever been to me before. I remembered the day I’d found him out in the wilds, living off scraps with an injured wing that had caused him trouble flying.
North had insisted he would make a good pet and told me I was to look after him.
As soon as Mirelle realised his power, she’d encouraged Calcifiend’s bond to me.
His kind usually imprinted upon Fae or others of their kind upon hatching, but it had happened late for him.
Perhaps he had not known another soul until I’d come along and made his acquaintance.
It felt… warm, light and good to know he’d survived the battle.
“Hello, fiend,” I murmured and he released a purring chirrup. “I have a job for you.”
He lifted his head, keen as always to do as I bid and I pressed my will into him to tell him what I wanted. Claws around my heart spoke of a desire that quickly devoured all other sensations. A desire that was entirely born of her.
“Go find Everest Arcadia. Don’t let her out of your sight.
And don’t let her see you. You will watch her in every waking moment you can.
And when the time is right, you will lead me right to her.
Because she might not be my Fearsire anymore, but she and I have unfinished business that neither the stars nor the war will keep me from finishing. ”