Chapter 5 Present Day
PRESENT DAY
JULIA
Julia smiled, comparing the contrast between the two visits.
Yesterday, despite the clear, beautiful weather, she felt downcast. Today, with her mood much brighter, the sky outside the fifty-second floor loomed dark and ominous.
Seattleites recognized that the emerald city glimmered with beauty on a clear sunny day, but that only happened for a third of the year.
These soggy wet days came more often, but Julia loved the rain; maybe that made her a professional melancholic.
Something about that psyche yawned with the desire to curl up under a blanket with a good book.
Somber clouds engulfed the tops of the downtown skyscrapers while mist swirled below.
It had poured all day. Julia pressed closer to the window and gazed down to the soggy streets, evoking that eerie sensation of stepping to a cliff’s edge.
Why heights always made her feel like jumping was something she should explore with the doctor; she had no desire to end her life.
It was just such a strange urge that she wondered if other people felt it as well.
While she continued to stare, Doctor Sato entered her office and interrupted her thoughts.
“Sorry to make you wait, Julia. I’m thankful I had a cancellation this afternoon so we could meet face-to-face after yesterday’s news.
” She signaled with her hand for Julia to sit in the white leather chair and said, “How are you feeling today?”
Julia nodded and puffed out a breath. “I was so glad for the negative sign!”
“I’m relieved for you,” the doctor said and sat down across from her. “Thank you for calling me after you took the pregnancy test.”
Julia smiled at the doctor, who, like the weather, had changed. She now wore blue reading glasses and a red linen shirt, but her jewelry stayed the same.
“Have you talked with the young man again since your encounter?”
Julia shook her head, not sure she wanted to talk any more about intimacy, but added, “Before I took the test, I texted him and told him I was late.”
Doctor Sato tilted her head. “Have you let him know you are not pregnant then?”
“Um…I suppose I should.” Julia looked down at her hands. “He never even bothered calling me one time after we hooked up.”
“I understand, but one thing we’ll work on here is keeping a short list of conflicts. I suggest you text him again. No use holding tension where you don’t need to.”
“Sorry, I don’t understand why I’m so complicated.” Julia said, feeling the heat in her face.
“It’s because most days we are a mystery, even to ourselves.”
Julia had to agree with that and sighed.
“Look, that is why you are here, to help bring clarity to those mysteries.”
The doctor put her notepad on the side table and placed her reading glasses on top. “I thought we could start today by going into your system—all the parts that make up Julia. It may help us understand where this dissatisfaction with medicine is coming from. What do you think?”
Julia shrugged without enthusiasm; just happy they would not keep talking about her sex life.
“So, if it feels right, make yourself comfortable and close your eyes, if that helps.”
Julia relaxed into the supple leather and closed her eyes. Her heart drummed in her throat.
“I want you to do a mental scan around your body and tell me what you find.”
“Oh, that’s easy. My heart is practically pounding out of my chest.” Julia peeked at the doctor from narrowed eyes, hoping to see a hint of approval.
The doctor understood. “Yes, Julia. You’re doing well. Let’s focus on this for a moment. Turn your attention to this feeling.”
Julia brought her hands to her upper chest and throat.
“What do you see, Julia?”
“I see myself running out of the room.” She straightened and opened her eyes.
Doctor Sato smiled and nodded. “Good, Julia. You’ve just met two of your parts. An anxious part and a part we can call a manager, one that likes to flee. Manager parts work hard to move us away from internal pain. Also remember, there are no bad parts. All are welcome.”
Julia closed her eyes once again.
“Now focus on the running away part; what do you see?”
“This may be crazy. I see an old-fashioned alarm bell. Like the one in my grade school up on the wall. It’s blaring.” Julia paused and watched the alarm sound while her heart pounded. “What’s weird is it seems to have a radar scanner on top of it, looking for danger.”
“As you look at this part, how do you feel about it?”
“Well…I, uh…I don’t know. At first, I felt terrified of it, but the more I look at it, the more it is…hmm…annoying.”
“What purpose do you think it has in your life?”
“Oh, that’s easy. It warns me of danger.”
“Knowing that, now how do you feel about it?”
“Strange,” she reflected. “I’m grateful for it.”
“In your mind’s eye, can you thank that part for working so hard for you?”
Julia nodded and pursed her lips. “How do I do that?”
“Okay. Let’s have you open your eyes and look around and remind that part where you are. You’re in a safe place. Let it know it doesn’t have to alarm right now. Maybe you can remind it you are twenty-four and you’re safe.”
Julia slowly bobbed her head.
“You could even remind that part that you’re becoming a doctor.”
With that, Julia sat up straight, and her eyes sprung open. “The alarm went quiet. Then you said doctor, and it rang louder than ever.”
“Interesting,” the doctor mused. “It seems that that part thinks you are in danger by becoming a doctor.”
“Whew,” Julia panted and reached for her throat. “I guess so.”
“What does this part fear about you becoming a doctor?”
Julia slid down in the chair and covered her face with her hands. She sat quietly for many minutes until she could no longer hold back her tears.
“Julia, what’s going on in there?”
“Maybe I really am crazy.” She sat up and wiped at her tears. “I keep hearing this voice saying that I have betrayed my heart.” More tears wet her cheeks.
“Aww…more parts,” the doctor nodded. “Can we ask this part that worries about you being crazy to step back just for a minute? I promise we’ll let that part speak eventually. But can you see where this voice is coming from that says you have betrayed your heart?”
“I don’t know…it seems to reverberate around me. Maybe coming from—” Julia hesitated. “I see something really dark. Like a cave. This is weird…it’s a dark cave that’s really, really old.”
“Hm,” the doctor said. “Does that part know you are here?”
“I’m not sure.”
“How do you feel about this part?”
“I don’t know…afraid…no, angry.”
“Is it telling you how you betrayed your heart?”
Julia shook her head then nodded. For a fleeting moment, she stayed rooted in place, unmoving. Then she sat up and opened her eyes. “I’m sorry, this just feels too hard.”
The doctor leaned forward and put a gentle hand on her knee.
“Julia, you’re doing great. Going deep into our psyche is really, really hard.
But these parts have lots to say to us if we’ll listen.
They can teach us so much of how and why we react to certain situations.
And as your divine self gets stronger, you’ll be able to give these parts more and more space, and maybe you’ll be able to release them from the burdens they carry. ”
“I’m not just crazy?”
Dr. Sato laughed. “No Julia, I can guarantee you’re not crazy.
Human, for sure, but you’re not crazy. We all carry these parts.
” She stood up, grabbed two tissues, and sat back down.
Handing them to Julia, she said, “I’m curious about this part that thinks you have betrayed your heart. What do you think?”
“That’s easy,” Julia said, “I never wanted to go into medicine.” She blew her nose into a tissue.
“Really?” the doctor said with surprise. “Do you know what you’d rather do?”
“I always wanted to be a writer. I loved romance novels…especially historical love stories,” Julia replied without hesitation.
“And…”
“My father told me that was a terrible idea. We had a huge fight over it.”
“How old were you?”
“High school, I guess…fourteen or fifteen. He told me I was being ridiculous. He told me I had the smarts to become anything I wanted to be.”
“As long as it meant being a doctor or a lawyer,” Dr. Sato said with a smile.
“Exactly, it wasn’t really a choice.”
“A few of my clients are authors. It’s a tough life.
They tell me it’s very lonely. Come to think about it, I have one client who is a doctor turned writer.
There may be hope for you. But let’s not throw your education out the window quite yet.
There are so many amazing things you can do after becoming a doctor. ”
“Now you’re sounding like my father,” Julia frowned.
“You’re right, Julia. I’m so sorry. But we don’t want to throw the good out with the bad. Tell me something about a lecture you heard in medical school you couldn’t stop thinking about.”
“Well…just before the semester ended, we had a professor from Stanford that is a geneticist. She was amazing. The potential that area of research holds in terms of knowing what diseases people are susceptible to or what drugs would work on one person and not another is exploding.”
“Julia, this is the first time you’ve talked with passion about any part of medicine.
This new field of pharmacogenetics is certainly fascinating.
I have some interest in genetics as well, as some researchers are wondering if our DNA can hold memories from past generations or cultures. It’s exciting work.”
“Interesting,” Julia said.
“Yes, Julia, I know you’ll find your way through all this. There are so many paths you can take within medicine.”
“I’d hoped you’d tell me to quit medical school.”
Doctor Sato smiled. “We’re going to talk much more about that. When does your second-year start?”
“Not for a couple months; not until the end of August.”
“Okay good. We have lots of time to explore all of this.” The doctor grabbed her reading glasses, put them on, and picked up her notepad. “Speaking of genetics, how much genealogy research have you done? What do you know about your heritage?”
Julia tilted her head from side to side. “Of course, my family is Japanese, and my grandmother is living. But no one seems too interested in talking about any of that.”
“From my experience as an Asian-American, that is pretty typical. We may learn much about you by digging into your heritage. Does your grandmother live here in Seattle?”
“She lives with my parents.”
“Can I give you an assignment for next week? Talk with your grandmother and ask her about her parents. I’m especially interested in your maternal lineage.”
A soft gong sound came from the doctor’s computer.
“I’m looking forward to lots of time together…but I’m afraid our time has come to a close today. We can thank your parts that showed up. Just know your emotions are going to be a bit raw, so give yourself lots of grace this week.”
The doctor leaned forward again and looked over her reading glasses at Julia. “You want to be a writer, start here. Write about what you heard and saw…how you feel. Write about what your grandmother tells you.”
Doctor Sato stood, and Julia followed her to the door.
The doctor turned as they reached the door and said, “So tell me, what is it about reading historical romance novels you love so much?”
Julia looked at the floor. “I don’t know. There is just something about being loved like that. Through space and time—love always finds a way.”
Julia looked at the doctor and surprised to see a tear form in the corner of her eye.
“To love and be loved…one of the most basic human needs,” Doctor Sato concluded and hugged Julia’s neck. “And here we are, back to your love life again,” she chuckled. “See, we’re not so complicated after all.”