Chapter BLUE
BLUE
What I’m doing can only be described with one word: insanity. And irresponsibility.
I was only supposed to talk to him occasionally. Casual chatting. That was the plan, wasn’t it?
Yet somehow this is evolving into something far more complicated.
I look over at Gabriel as he drifts deeper into sleep, and gratitude floods through me.
He saved me again.
This time not from paint splashed across my face or some idiot spitballing at me.
This time from a bullet, and against those, my defense systems cannot fully protect me.
I study his youthful, pleasant face.
The remnants of that predatory edge the fighting mode gave him are gone. He’s himself again.
I cannot resist. I lean closer and gently touch his face.
Am I hurting him?
It’s painfully obvious that he wants me, but he doesn’t understand that I cannot give him the kind of love people his age are supposed to have.
Passion. Reckless intensity. ‘You’re my whole world.
’ Spontaneous trips to the beach to swim under the moonlight.
Staying out all night dancing in clubs until your legs give out.
Drinking beer or smoking weed, lying on the grass and staring at the stars.
Waking up to the scent of roses scattered across the sheets.
And I know, I can feel it, that this is the kind of love he longs for.
The kind from books. A real romance, made even sweeter by its impossibility.
The age gap, the obstacles, all of it only drives him further because youth works that way.
I know it does. Difficulties never frightened me either once.
I barely even saw them while I spent entire days working, fighting to reclaim my reproductive system.
Hope belongs to the young.
But I am a bitter aging man.
That fire no longer exists inside me. My emotions no longer surge forward like a wild river. I carry responsibility for a company employing tens of thousands of people.
Responsibility… this word.
A concept youth is only beginning to understand.
I pull my hand away from his face and walk toward the window. In my room I usually keep only a digital cityscape projected across the wall, but a real view is something else entirely.
White clouds drift slowly over the city. It is still only afternoon. Traffic continues below.
I stare down at the skyline.
What can I give Gabriel?
My body?
I abandoned the pursuit of sex two decades ago, yet there is something about him that makes me reconsider that decision. Suddenly it no longer feels trivial or irrelevant.
Maybe I should approach it as an experiment.
But would I merely be playing with his emotions that way, because I cannot return them equally? I feel warmth toward him. Attraction. But what is love, truly?
A cascade of chemical reactions.
Everything else is just physiology decorated with poetry, humanity’s favorite fiction written across countless pages.
And… what if my interest in him has another layer beneath it?
What Storm hinted at?
My head buzzes. I turn away from the window and leave the room, leaving Gabriel asleep behind me.
I step into my small office and take out my phone.
On a sudden impulse, I call my father.
We rarely speak on the phone, but… fine.
"Hello, Blue?" His low, resonant voice fills the line.
A brief silence. I need to tell him the bad news.
"It happened again. Another assassination attempt."
"Dear Fate, kid… are you alright?"
"Yes. My new bodyguard, Gabriel, handled it perfectly."
"The one who can see five seconds ahead?"
"Yes. It worked. But it also showed me that even that may not be enough. If someone is standing directly in front of you and firing, there’s only so much you can correct for. The distance is too short. Sooner or later they’ll get me. NFH."
"Those bastards? This morning I read they massacred an entire village in South America. Every omega and alpha there… I hope the military puts your invention to good use, otherwise they really are going to slaughter all of us. They're advancing north, gaining allies. I’m just grateful you’re safe. Did Detective Arnold…"
"Fa, there's this other thing I wanted to call you about. I may have… an option. Entering a relationship. I’m considering it," I blurt out suddenly, and silence falls over the line.
"I’m sorry?"
I sigh. Perhaps talking to him about this was a mistake.
"Never mind. It doesn’t matter."
"It clearly does, otherwise you would not have mentioned it."
"You know me too well, Fa."
"I just don’t want you ending up disappointed. That’s all. Most relationships demand sacrifice. They bring complications. It takes a great deal of work to make them function well."
"And what if he’s… the fated one?"
"Even then. The Bond is not built overnight. Your dad and I are High Mates, so the Pull between us was fairly strong. But love is still an investment. You have to be ready for it."
Silence settles again, and I feel chaos twisting through me.
"I’m tempted by it. Very tempted. As an… experiment."
A long pause.
"Be careful calling this an experiment, son. That word will give you the illusion that you can stop whenever you want."
I snort irritably.
"Because I can, Father."
"A scientist always believes he stands safely outside the process. You can experiment with chemicals, theories, machines. People are different. They change the experimenter too."
"I have to go."
"Wait."
"What, Fa? I need time to think…"
"Follow the happiness, son."
I sigh.
"That’s… astonishingly profound," I mutter dryly. "I was expecting a bit more of a refined piece of life advice."
"And yet the simplest things are often the most valuable, smartass! That is the one lesson I’ve learned throughout my life. Sometimes I simply look at your dad, and that alone is enough. I’m happy. It doesn’t have to be complicated."
"I really have to go, Fa."
"Alright. Will you be here for the holidays?"
"I will. Take care."
I end the call and lean back against the wall. I do not know whether I can look at it that simply. Happiness can be deceptive. Endorphins followed by emptiness.
And yet his words about experimentation linger in my mind.
If I experiment with him, am I in truth experimenting on myself?
I guess I’ll see soon enough, because I’m already one step away from making the decision, from jumping into the abyss.
And I’m not even sure if I’d want to call it an experiment, it sounds a bit soulless. Maybe I try, for the first time in my life, get involved… without looking at everything through laboratory glass?
Who knows.
Though I have to wonder, can anyone really escape their own habits?