Chapter GABRIEL #8
"My father… strangely enough, accepted my anger.
He apologized. Said he would give up his entire fortune if he could restore what I had lost. His words…
meant something to me, I guess they healed part of my hurt.
After that, my parents handled things differently.
They sent me to a specialized rehab, with intensive therapy. They hired the best."
Blue pauses briefly to take a deeper breath.
"For several months, those people worked on me, rebuilding me, reshaping me, almost reprogramming me.
I came out of that rehab different in a way, surely more at peace with my situation.
One of the therapists told me I was too talented to waste, that it would be a shame to lose my mind, that I could become a geneticist, a physiologist, find a way to regenerate tissues, organs… that planted a seed of hope in me."
"That’s what decided your career?"
"In a way, yes. Although at first, it was probably just another form of escaping reality. But I immersed myself in science for years. Nothing else mattered. I managed to develop several techniques for tissue regeneration, including nerve and muscle tissue, and I received awards for it. But the problem was that an omega’s uterus doesn’t come from human genes.
It forms from a portion of an alien genome, and that is… complicated, to put it lightly."
"Did you truly believe you could rebuild your… reproductive system?"
"For a while. But then… I hit a wall. Human tissue would have to generate alien tissue, and that wasn’t simple.
There’s an entire aspect of the alien genes that verges on magic.
And you can’t exactly study magic under a microscope.
So when I turned thirty, another stage came.
The realization that… this is my life, and it won’t change.
That I will remain as I am. Even if I stop my aging, if I stay the way I looked when I started treatment at twenty-five, my uterus won’t grow back. Neither will my gonads."
I try to gather my thoughts, to add something meaningful, something helpful or insightful, but I come up empty, my mind buzzing like a beehive.
"Was it easier then… than when you were a teenager?"
"Kind of. The process was slow, but the older we get, the easier it becomes to give things up. I had already built a career, achieved things, I felt like I was helping people, that my discoveries were saving lives. I had a purpose, even if I couldn’t have what I once wanted."
This time I grow bolder, and slide my hand along his arm and forearm resting at his side, and my fingers finally curl around his hand. It’s clenched in my grip.
"Is that why you didn’t want… a relationship?"
Silence stretches.
His heart picks up slightly, as if what he’s about to say brings him stress.
"I’m not like other omegas, Gabriel. I can’t give an alpha… what he needs. I don’t have heats, and alphas need to go into rut periodically to function properly. An omega’s pheromones affect an alpha’s system, and vice versa. And mine are too weak. I… can’t provide that effect."
"That doesn’t mean you don’t have other things, Blue. Maybe even more than other omegas," I start, but Blue pulls his hand out of my grip, which is not a good sign.
"You say that now, because you like me. But biology is not irrelevant, Gabriel. Time will pass, and you’ll understand how important it is. Alphas still grow at your age. They mature. You don’t realize how much certain things start to matter over time."
"Don’t make me into a mindless alpha, driven only by his animal side, Blue," I protest. "I’m very aware of what I feel. I’m not put off by… what you said… In fact, it makes me want you more. To be with you on whatever journey you're on right now…"
"That’s your youth speaking. And youth always hopes. Then life disappoints. It wakes you up from illusions."
I let out a quiet breath. "And you’re speaking from bitterness, Blue."
"That’s realism, Gabriel…"
"That’s pessimism!"
He snorts. "You’re so young. There’s no chance for us. We just… don’t make sense, can’t you see that?"
"That’s not true!" I choke out, realizing what it is, a rejection… he just wanted to do it in a ‘nice’ way, to explain everything honestly so it sounds logical and reasonable.
But I don’t buy it. I’m not going to give up. I won’t let it slip away from me… So I reach for his hand again.
"Please, don’t push me away, Blue. Give me a chance, one chance! Give us a chance. I believe… that we can be together, that we make sense despite everything. That we can be happy, I absolutely believe that!"
Silence.
My hand shakes around his clenched hand, my emotions are boiling, and I squeeze my eyes shut, even though I don’t want to, I can feel the moisture gathering under my eyelids.
"I know, I’m a nobody compared to you. You are this genius and I’m just a student and a criminal… such an immense mésalliance, but—"
"That’s not it! It’s not about who you are. But I’m twice your age, and I can’t give you what other omegas can, can’t you see?"
"I don’t care about what they can give me, I care about you—"
"Now!"
"Stop!" I pant as heavily as if this were a real fight in the underground cages. And maybe it is, a fight against years of his denial, his walls built high, his resignation toward intimacy.
"How could I ever want anyone else after you? You are everything. My dream. Perfect, smart, beautiful. Give me a chance, Blue. I beg you. At least a test trial. Like your company does with drugs. Try us and then decide…"
Silence, deep silence.
No reaction, and I can sense fear gripping me as I hear his heart beating fast, that’s his only response.
"I’m falling for you, Blue, can’t you see? I’m begging you, don’t… push me away. Please, Blue…"
Tears run down my face because despair floods me, I’m agonizing over the idea that this is his final decision, the one I was scared to hear, and there’s nothing I can do to convince him otherwise.
Did he think everything through and the outcome is not in my favor?
Case closed?
Then Blue slowly turns from his left side to his right, and now we’re face to face.
My cheeks are wet with tears, and his eyes move over it slowly, a little uncertain, like he doesn’t know how to react.
"Sorry, I don’t want to be such a crybaby parody of an alpha, but… I care about you. So much, so fucking much."
Blue closes his eyes and speaks quietly.
"Believe me, I’m still human like anyone else, and I also… want to have the things other people have. It’s just…"
Blue still has his eyes shut. Suddenly, his hand moves very slowly toward mine. He squeezes my fingers.
"I’d want more too, Gabriel, but… I feel…
shame. A block. I’m damaged. My body… was mutilated by the accident.
Deprived of what made me an omega. You need to know, I can't feel pleasure, Gabriel. I can’t come.
Can’t you understand? That’s why I never chose intimacy.
You called yourself a parody of an alpha, but it’s me who is a parody. A parody of an omega."
I blink, suddenly what I saw during my glasses-hacking session makes sense. So he can't… orgasm? He tried, but he couldn't?
For a strange reason it not only doesn't make me doubt our chances but actually makes me even more determined to pursue him, to be with him, to make him happy, since his life is so lonely, full of threats, devoid of physical pleasures…
It's not that I want to be a fucking savior for him, but I want to add some lightness to his life, some happy smiles, some moments of relaxation, something beyond endless work and repeated attacks… I want to be that person for him who makes his life more sparkly. It’s clear in my head, what I feel, what I want.
"I want you, only you. No matter what. Nothing you can say will discourage me."
He takes a deep breath. I know he still wants to try to scare me, warn me…
"I feel less, compared to…"
"I have no one to compare you to! You’d be the only one for me. Besides, I don’t see you as ‘less’. If anything, I see you… as more."
Blue slowly opens his eyes. His fingers tighten around mine.
"This is the one area of my life… where I feel fear, Gabriel. You were right then, when you suggested sex is stressing me. Well, maybe aside from attempts on my life, this is it. Intimacy."
"You don’t have to be afraid with me. I have no experience either, we’re in the same position, no basis for comparison, I have no advantage over you, I’ve never been with anyone."
I close my eyes too and pull his hand, still laced with mine, up to my cheek.
"I love your closeness, your touch, Blue. I’m sure you noticed it. When I’m close to you I feel so happy, like I’m in paradise. Your touch feels like bliss, and I dare to say, I saw you positively react to my touch as well, which gave me hope…"
His fingers move across my face in a gentle motion.
And I suddenly feel it, almost like it happens within my system.
The decision is coming.
"Okay," he lets out a breath, "a test trial. Nothing more, Gabriel… because I’m not gonna fool myself into thinking that this, ‘us’, is forever," he whispers, his voice almost unrecognizable. "But maybe for a short moment I could feel what others feel, a small taste of something I’ve already given up. I’m just afraid that if I like it too much, I won’t recover well from it afterward. So I need to be careful. Please don’t expect love confessions and stuff like that, for me it has to remain an experiment, and that’s all I can offer. "
"I get it. And I’m greatful for the chance. But why do you assume it will end? I’m not going anywhere."
"Gabriel, you’re twenty-one…"
I let out a scoff.