Chapter Twenty-Five
Ethan shut off his computer screen and tried to forget the insane comments he’d just read on yet another post claiming to have insider knowledge of his and Hannah’s relationship. None of them knew shit, though each one intensified the headache building behind his eyes. But he couldn’t think about that now, or the troubling ways these strangers on the internet were speculating about his sex life.
On the other side of his desk, Baz and Gavin looked grim.
“Three cancellations?”
Ethan dragged his thumbs over his closed eyes, as though that could make the last vestiges of the comment section leave his mind. He knew he should stop reading them, but somehow he always ended up right back there, doom scrolling as Tessa called it. “There are three couples who are offended enough by my audiobooks they’ve cancelled their weddings?”
“I’m sure they’ll get married somewhere, but it won’t be at Nuthatch Vineyards,”
Baz answered calmly.
“They’ll forfeit their deposits.”
“They don’t seem to care. Margo tried talking each of them out of it. Even with retaining the forfeited deposits, it puts you down five figures in revenue for the year.”
“And that’s if no one else cancels.”
Ethan sighed and pushed the papers aside.
“We’ll find new couples or other kinds of events altogether,”
Gavin said. “I’m already working with Margo on a new marketing campaign to reach romance readers and let them know Nuthatch is happy to welcome the romance community. Reader Fest could be just the beginning.”
“You want to replace our wedding income with events catering to romance readers?”
Ethan wasn’t sure whether his friend was brilliant or insane.
“Mrs. White and her book club think it’s a great idea,”
Gavin said defensively.
“I’m sure they do,”
Ethan grumbled.
“What’s a great idea?”
Jo asked, appearing in the open door to Ethan’s office with Julie in her arms.
“Holding romance events at the vineyards. Author signings and book launch parties. Did you know there are entire romance conventions?”
Gavin asked.
“Sounds fun.”
Jo set Julie on the floor and watched fondly as she toddled across the room to Ethan.
“Might be fun but there’s no way they pay as well as weddings,”
Baz pointed out.
Ethan swept his granddaughter up in his arms. “Hi, Jujube.”
Julie giggled, reaching her hands up to tug on his beard.
“If you’re all done talking business, I’ve been sent to fetch you,” Jo said.
Baz scowled. “Fetch us?”
“Your game night awaits,”
Jo said with a wink before turning and marching down the hall, clearly expecting them all to follow.
Which, of course, they did, despite Baz’s grumbling.
When they arrived back at Ethan’s house, Sabrina and Tessa had hauled out what looked like every board game from the closet in the hall. Ethan set Julie down in front of her toybox in the corner of the room and headed back to the kitchen, leaving Baz and Gavin to help with board game selection. He hadn’t seen Hannah since she’d left for St. Anthony’s High after lunch to help with play rehearsal. It might have only been a few hours, but with each new cancellation and each new prickle of dread creeping up his spine, the need to see her increased.
Unfortunately, Caleb and Jamie were the only ones in the kitchen. Jamie had already set out a full spread of tapas on Ethan’s kitchen counter and Caleb eyed it hungrily.
“Did you make mini pizzas?”
Caleb asked Jamie.
Jamie gestured to a small tray of miniature pizzas, each topped with a single pepperoni slice, chopped herbs, and a drizzle of sticky honey. “Down there, you heathen.”
“I am a man of God, sir,”
Caleb said with mock offense. He took a bite of the pizza and groaned before gesturing for Ethan to join them. “Ethan, you have to try one of these.”
“In a minute. Has anyone seen Hannah?”
“Out back with Kyla and Molly,”
Jamie said, barely looking up as he removed another sheet pan of empanada-looking appetizers from Ethan’s oven.
Ethan moved through the kitchen and out the back door to where the women stood talking. His steps slowed as he approached, clocking the pained look on Hannah’s face.
“What’s going on out here?” he asked.
“Rehearsal didn’t go as planned,”
Kyla said.
“What does that mean?”
“Some kids did a deep dive on social media and dug up some pretty nasty opinion pieces about the whole you-her-Jackson thing,”
Molly explained.
“And you let them?”
Ethan snapped, stepping closer to Hannah, as though he could retroactively shield her from adolescent fuckery.
“They’re kids, Ethan. Kids who are addicted to their phones,”
Molly said.
“They didn’t do anything wrong,”
Hannah added. “They had questions, that’s all.”
“What kind of questions?”
“Mostly the ‘is it true’ kind. It’s fine.”
“It’s not fine,”
he snapped.
Her eyes darted to his and she looked so tired he wanted nothing more than to gather her in his arms and tell everyone else to fuck right off. But it wouldn’t fix anything.
Christ, he just wanted to fix it.
“No, but it’s…whatever. I’m going to stay away from the school,”
Hannah said, turning to Molly.
“You don’t need to do that,”
Molly protested.
“I’m a distraction. My being there isn’t helping anyone.”
“I’m sure that’s not true,”
Kyla said. “Those kids are learning so much from you.”
Hannah barked out a bitter laugh. “Sure. How to be the center of a celebrity scandal without even being a celebrity 101.”
She rolled her head on her shoulders, like she was trying to physically shake off the frustration. “It’s fine. I won’t be here much longer anyway.”
Ethan’s lungs stopped working, blood whooshing past his ears. “I thought we talked about this. You don’t need to go anywhere.”
Kyla and Molly glanced anxiously between them, but he couldn’t care that he had made the whole thing awkward. He’d only just convinced her to stay with him in Aster Bay for a while. He’d thought they’d have a little time before she started making plans to leave again. Time to sort out how to make their relationship work long term.
“I think Tessa and Sabrina need some help setting up,”
Kyla said, leading Molly back up the steps and into the house.
Ethan and Hannah stood alone in his backyard staring at each other. The few feet between them suddenly felt like a chasm.
“You can’t deny your life would be easier if I wasn’t here right now,”
Hannah said.
“I do. I deny it.”
“Micah is lining up some auditions,”
she admitted softly, “for the week after next. I’ll need to be back in the City at least a few days before to prepare. I haven’t sung through any of my audition rep in weeks—”
“You can do that here.”
He crossed his arms over his chest, widening his stance.
“It’s not the same.”
“I thought you said you didn’t want to be an actress anymore.”
“I said I don’t know.”
“Same thing.”
“It’s not.”
She searched his face, and for a moment, he thought he saw a softening, a bending towards the idea of leaving it behind, of choosing something else.
Or someone.
She shook her head as though he was being unreasonable. “I’ve spent my entire life working towards being where I am now.”
“Hunted by the paparazzi? Afraid to be in your own apartment?”
“You don’t give up on a career because it loses its luster. Not everybody loves their job all of the time. And it’s not just the job. It’s the City, and my friends.”
“You have friends here now too.”
“I didn’t realize I had to choose.”
He scrubbed a hand over his jaw, his chest aching as muscle and sinew and bone twisted and cracked.
“I’m not asking you to choose,”
he said, his throat burning with the words.
She crossed her arms, closing herself off from him. “You kind of are, though.”
“If you want to go back to New York, go. I’m not stopping you. But don’t run away.”
“I’m not running away. I’m trying to keep my mess from invading your life.”
“I want your mess!”
He scowled, intentionally lowering his tone. “You’re the one making this an either-or situation. Not me.”
She scoffed. “That’s not reality, Ethan. I can’t hide in Aster Bay forever. I was always going to have to go back eventually.”
Anger flooded his veins, his ears hot and his heart pounding. “And what was your plan? To leave me behind again? Call again in six months and see if I’ll meet you for a quick fuck?”
“What was your plan?”
she countered. “Did you really think I was going to give up everything after a few weeks together without taking the time to think it through?”
“It’s been years, Hannah, not a few weeks. And I’m not asking you to give anything up. I’m asking you to make room for me in your life. To figure this out with me. I’m asking you not to throw what we have away.”
“But you’re never going to move to New York.”
“Of course not.”
“So when you say ‘figure it out,’ you mean I have to be the one to give up my life. You’re asking me to choose.”
He threw his arms out wide, unable to contain his frustration. “Fine, I want you to choose me, Han. Choose us. For fuck’s sake, choose yourself.”
She took a step back as though she’d been hit. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“That career is no good for you. And you said yourself you didn’t even know if you wanted to do it anymore. You made yourself sick trying to fit into the box they wanted to put you in and then that world literally ran you out of town.”
“What am I supposed to do, Ethan?”
she demanded, stepping toe to toe with him, her eyes blazing. “At least I’ve put myself out there. At least I haven’t been afraid to let the world see who I really am.”
Her accusation left him breathless, grasping for words, as anger simmered low in his gut. “It’s not the same thing.”
“I couldn’t hide if I wanted to. They’ve literally hunted me down.”
“Us. They’ve hunted us down,”
he said, stepping closer.
She shook it off, determined to make her point. “I’ve made mistakes and being an actress isn’t always fun or easy, but I’ve never hidden who I was.”
“Except when you were lying about fucking a pop star,” he spat.
She sucked in a breath, and he knew he’d gone too far, could see the walls going up behind her eyes. “And what are you hiding, Ethan? I don’t think you were afraid of the world finding out about Slade because he’s so different from you. I think you were afraid because you’re too much alike, because Slade is the parts of yourself you don’t let anyone see”
He struggled for words, to find some way to refute what she’d said, prove her wrong, and yet…
Hannah blinked, her expression going blank, and took a step away from him. “I don’t want to fight with you.”
He huffed out a breath, reaching for her, but she moved out of reach. “Then let’s not fight. Let’s go inside and—”
“I need some space. I’m going to go for a walk.”
“You shouldn’t go out alone. What if the paparazzi find you?”
She laughed bitterly. “Then they’ll get another crappy picture of me. What’s one more at this point?”
She started to walk away, but Ethan caught her hand, regret clawing up his throat. “Hannah, please, don’t leave like this.”
“It’s just a walk, Ethan.”
She stared at the place where his hand gripped hers, her brows drawn together in the center and her mouth set in a grim line.
He released her, though everything in him was screaming to pull her back towards him, to do something, anything to make her realize she belonged with him.
Instead, he watched as she walked away.
∞∞∞
Hannah kicked a rock along the side of the road and clutched the phone to her ear, watching as it skittered across the gravel and disappeared into the grassy bank on the other side. The streetlights were starting to come on as the sun set. Terrence McFancyCock crowed in the distance and a smile tugged at her lips despite how miserable she felt.
She should head back to Ethan’s soon, before it got dark out and she lost her way. She hadn’t walked far, only around the block, but these small town blocks were much larger than anything she’d encountered in the City.
“What are you going to do?”
Liv asked through the phone.
Hannah sighed. “I don’t know. I don’t want to fight with him, but I don’t know how this is going to work. I love bringing a show to life. I love that feeling, like electricity, when a show is going well and can feel it in the air.”
She paused, considering a cluster of wildflowers at the edge of the pavement. “But I don’t love having my personal life the subject of public debate. Or photographers thinking they’re entitled to take pictures of me whenever and wherever they want.”
She sat on a large rock by the side of the road, suddenly feeling exhausted. “And I am really scared if I go back to performing I’m not going to be able to maintain my recovery.”
“Why?”
Tears pricked at the back of her eyes, her nose stinging. “I don’t know if I can do another audition season, Liv. I don’t know if I can stand in a room full of people telling me what’s wrong with me again and again and again in hopes that one of them will like me enough to cast me as the funny fat friend.”
“You’re not the funny fat friend, Hannah. You’re Bridget freaking Jones.”
“That’s one part. One part in an entire industry.”
She closed her eyes as the first tear slipped down her cheek. “I’m tired, Liv. And I’m scared. What if I give it up and it’s the wrong decision? What if I wake up in a year and realize I don’t love Ethan as much as I thought? Or what if I go back and I’m still in the same place I’ve been for years, only this time I’ve let the love of my life go, and for what?”
“The love of your life, huh?”
“Maybe.”
Hannah sighed and watched the early evening breeze ruffle the leaves on a nearby maple tree. “I’ve wanted to be on Broadway since I was a little girl, but I can’t help feeling like I climbed to the top of the mountain and looked around and there’s nothing there. What if staying on the mountain is just another way to hide?”
The line was quiet enough that Hannah wondered if maybe they’d been disconnected.
“Are you still there?”
“I’m here. I’m always here,”
Liv said. “Did I ever tell you about the letter my dad left for me and my brother before he died?”
Hannah dashed away a tear, confused by the subject change. “No.”
“When he got sick, he wrote a letter and left it with my mom. She was supposed to read it to us when the time was right. And apparently that time was my wedding,”
she said with a chuckle. “Anyway, he said the things that scare us are the things most worth doing.”
Hannah swallowed a sob.
“Maybe you’re scared because it’s important.”
“Which part—going back to New York or staying here?”
“I can’t answer that for you,”
Liv said. “Which one scares you more?”
∞∞∞
The house was quiet when Hannah returned, only Ethan’s truck still in the driveway. He was putting things away in the kitchen when she came in, his back to the front door. He spun around, his eyes wild, at the sound of the door closing. “Jesus, Han.”
He set aside the stack of dishes in his hand and crossed the room to her in long strides, cupping her face in his hands as his eyes roved over her. “Are you hurt?”
“No, I’m fine.”
She could only imagine what he must be seeing—puffy eyes, embarrassingly red cheeks. Hannah was not a cute crier.
“What happened, sweetheart?”
His thumbs slid tenderly over her cheeks, soothing the phantom tracks of her tears.
“Nothing happened.”
She gripped one of his wrists, sliding her hand up his forearm. “I’m sorry I ran away.”
He exhaled harshly through his nose. “I’m sorry I pushed you.”
His hands slid into her hair as they moved closer, almost as though their bodies were magnetized, an invisible force drawing them together as her arms wound around his waist.
“This is all harder than I thought,”
he admitted.
Her stomach churned. “This?”
“Being in the press. Having people know about my audiobooks. Talking about us like they know us. How do you do it?”
“I didn’t have a choice.”
His arms were strong beneath her palms as she skated her hands up his biceps. “But you do.”
He huffed out a frustrated breath. “We’ve been over this."
“You didn’t sign up for this. It’s okay if you don’t want to deal with it, but if you want out, you have to tell me now.”
He captured her lips in a soft kiss, so sweet it had her eyes welling up again. What was she going to do if he really didn’t want to deal with her baggage? She wouldn’t be able to blame him, but she wasn’t sure she would survive the loss, either.
“It’s late,”
he said. “Let’s go to bed.”
She hesitated, aware he’d dodged the question, but she wanted his comfort more than she wanted to press the issue. After all, if she pressed and he decided to cut bait and run, what then?
So instead they stripped their clothing slowly, eyes glued to each other the whole time, and slipped beneath the covers of Ethan’s bed, a bed that smelled like her now as well. He pulled her to him, her back to his chest, and pressed a kiss to her shoulder. He held her tighter, his face buried in her hair and, within minutes, he had drifted off to sleep. But Hannah stayed awake, trying to memorize the feel of his hands on her skin, his body against her, so someday, when he decided he’d had enough, she’d at least still have the memories.
Comment section of Encores.com post with caption “Hannah Matthews spotted with spicy audio star in hotel bar. Who’s the cheater now?”
StrmChsr92: I can’t believe she cheated on Jackson and tried to make everyone think he was the bad guy!
Here4theDrama: I don’t know, that Slade guy is hot AF. I can see the appeal.
XOJxsnsGurlXO: His name is Ethan. He’s just pretending to be Slade.
PennyReadsSmut: He’s not pretending. It’s a stage name. Like how actors don’t always use their real names.
StrmChsr92: So they’re both liars.
Here4theDrama: Have you heard some of the dirty things he says in those books? *hot face emoji*
PennyReadsSmut: He could probably break your back and you’d say, ‘please sir, can I have some more?’
TheSpicierTheBetter: Did you see the way he looked at her on the red carpet? Girl, no wonder she cheated.
BookstaGirliesDoItBetter: What if she wasn’t cheating? What if she was with them both? Why choose, right?
StrmChsr92: There was a story about Jackson having a threesome in Cancun a few years ago.
XOJxsnsGurlXO: Jackson would never!
Here4theDrama: He 100% would.
TheSpicierTheBetter: Slade would.
BookstaGirliesDoItBetter: As long as he does that growl thing he does, Slade can do whatever he wants to me.
PennyReadsSmut: Who do you think has a bigger *eggplant emoji*?
XOJxsnsGurlXO: Jackson
TheSpicierTheBetter: Slade