13. Joy
JOY
The following morning, I decide to take a swim to clear my head.
I stand over the pool. It glistens blue in the summer sun. It’s not exactly the Pacific Ocean, but it’ll do. For now.
This is my third day living here. The wedding is still pretty fresh. It’s not a good time to escape yet. But I’m starting to take notes. I know where the guards stand. When they swap shifts. There’s a day shift and a night shift. Two teams for each. They swap over in the middle of their shifts.
I lay low in the pool, floating at the surface as I watch the guards change over. The two stationed at the side gate look like they’re friends. They spend two minutes talking, neither one of them looking out and doing their jobs.
Their laughter trickles through the garden. I’d love to know what’s so funny. I’m sure the news of Igor interrupting me and Valerian yesterday in the dining hall has made its rounds.
Hilarious for them. A real pain in the ass for me.
Valerian told me I can’t touch myself.
Him saying that only made me more sexually frustrated.
My head hit the pillow last night and I was out for the entire night. I guess I was more exhausted than I thought.
Today, I’m not exhausted. I’m fucking angry. They’ve both pissed me off. Seeing Igor brought back feelings I thought I buried. For a while, I felt safe with him. I felt like I was finally being listened to.
I remember something new, a smile, a nice moment we shared, and realize it was all bullshit. And the anger comes back around again.
His father is grinding my gears too.
I start swimming lengths, pushing away water, channeling my fury into something more worth my time. Obsessing over Valerian is not worth my time. He took away my freedom. And now he’s taking away my rights to touch myself.
I reach the end of the pool, flip-turn against the wall, and swim the other way.
My plan is to swim Valerian out of my mind. He’s in it way too much.
And my feelings for him are so conflicted. I shouldn’t be opening my legs for him. He doesn’t get to see me naked. He took everything away.
I don’t have a phone. A laptop. He won’t even let me text Mom and let her know I’m still alive.
What was I thinking letting him touch me?
I swim harder, dipping my hand into the water, ripping it away to thrust myself forward. Mom will be getting worried. We text every day.
And yoga is tonight. Lila will be wondering where I am. I haven’t been at her place for three days. I never got to hear about her date with the club manager.
Valerian messed everything up.
And yet I still want him to fuck me.
I continue doing laps. I need my head to shut up, just for a moment.
Mom worries. She’d be the kind to file a missing person case with the police. Things could get serious.
But it seems Valerian always comes out on top. He’s a father. A Bratva leader. The very fact that he’s made it this far in life proves he’s undefeated.
For all I know, he has connections with the police. After all, he’s well known in the public eye.
I stop swimming for a moment, dragging myself to the wall for a break. Lila saw me researching him the day I was kidnapped. She could put two and two together, maybe…
But I have an issue. I don’t want to leave just yet. Not until I have my fill. Valerian owes me. He left me hanging when I was right on the verge of coming.
I pause, realization falling over me. There’s a reason he left me on that table alone last night.
He knows my next move before I know it myself…
That bastard…
He knows I want him to fuck me. Which is exactly why he walked away.
I glance over the wall, seeing the guard stationed at the side gate, keeping a beady eye on everything. Valerian sure makes it difficult for people to escape his premises. But it’s not impossible.
And with everything on his plate right now, he probably doesn’t want to deal with his wife trying to run away from him.
He’s keeping me prisoner by refusing to give me the one thing I want from him.
I wish I didn’t want it so much.
But my body’s in flames every time he’s close.
I push off from the wall again, killing the thought.
But swimming isn’t doing me any favors. I’m thinking about Venice Beach when I took a dip in the ocean. A hand clamped around my ankle, pulling hard.
I’ve never felt adrenaline like it.
My pulse spiked. I’m used to it doing that.
Just not in that way.
I’m no stranger to walking on eggshells around my father, living between anxiety attacks, wondering when he’d start looking at me like trash, how he always looked at Mom.
He never even looked at me. And I still to this day, don’t know which is better.
But being kidnapped raised something unusual inside of me. It felt dangerous. Exciting. That was because I thought Valerian was the one dragging me onto the boat.
The anticipation died when the diver removed his mask. This man was not Valerian.
But I knew I was gonna be seeing him very soon.
And that was all that mattered to me.
Because I remembered how exciting our first interaction was.
I swim lengths of the pool, flipping against the wall, falling into a meditative state. I hear birds chirping from the trees. The sloshing sound of water pulls me deeper into flow state, undoing some of the tension in my shoulders.
I keep swimming, forgetting where I am, whose pool I’m using. But that desperate, burning sensation in my core isn’t budging.
My attraction for Valerian is growing. I hate that I like how controlling he is. He owns me. It’s fucked up. I should have autonomy over my own body. But with him, I don’t want to.
Desire burns low in my stomach. I need him to use me.
I stop in the middle of the pool, kicking my legs to stay afloat. Swimming isn’t the reason I’m breathless. No matter what I do, I can’t help but think about him.
I slip a finger under my bikini and find my clit. I’m safe under the water. The wall of palm trees running around the perimeter keeps me protected. The guards won’t be able to see me touching myself. Not if I keep myself under the water.
I swim to the wall, throwing my arm over the edge to prop myself up. I run my finger over my clit, picturing last night. All I want is his tongue there again, flicking my clit, making my squirm.
But I need him to take me all the way. I could make myself come. But you can only bring yourself so far when you’re doing it yourself.
God, I need his cock filling every inch of me.
I lose my grip on the wall, my body starting to let go. A whimper escapes my mouth, the water splashing as I fight to keep my head above the surface.
I cling onto the tiled wall with my feet, pressing myself against it, holding still while I rub my clit. I’m in too much pain. I rarely finger myself—let alone doing it in public.
But I have no control over myself. Even when he’s absent, he still finds a way to make me cave.
The sound of rustling trees fades away. I throw my arm over the wall, regripping, holding myself up as my climax edges closer.
That’s when the space around me turns dark. I look up.
And I feel adrenaline fizzle through me. Danger. Excitement. Emotions I’ve never felt before—up until three days ago, come rushing to the surface, consuming me. Black spots fill my vision from how aroused I am.
He’s above me, staring into the pool. The water is very clear. Without a doubt, he can see what I’m doing.
“Oh, sweetheart.” His voice is exactly how I like it. Rough. And very fucking Russian.
My breath catches in my throat when I see the gun lodged under his belt.
Oh shit. Suddenly, the adrenaline isn’t so sweet anymore.
“What might you be doing down there, sweetheart?”
“Um, nothing,” I gape. The white shirt he’s wearing pulls tight around his shoulders and chest, all the muscles underneath.
And then I see the gun sticking out of his belt again. I swallow the lump in my throat.
He could actually kill me.
Nikolai held me at gunpoint to keep me in line.
But I think Valerian is waiting for me to step out of line.
Which I just have.
My breath catches, as the reality hits me like a ton of bricks. I really am in danger, and not the fun kind. I push off from the wall, swim to the other side of the pool and hoist myself up.
I scramble to my feet and make a beeline for the side gate. The guard is there, watching me, loading his own weapon. I don’t care. I’ll deal with it later. The guard isn’t the problem. Valerian is. He punished his own fucking son. There’s no telling what he’ll do to me.
“Let me out of here!” I yell to the guard as I cross the garden. “He’s fucking crazy. He’s gonna murder me.” I make sure to really scream that last sentence, just in case the neighbors are listening.
But Valerian doesn’t have neighbors. He lives at the very top of Beverly Hills. He has land. Enough for my cry for help to disappear into oblivion.
“Please!” I beg, approaching the gate. Tears stream down my face. My vision is blurred. But I can still trace the gun in the guard’s hand as he unsheathes it from his holster. “Please. Let me go. I’ll sign a non-disclosure. Anything you—”
A pair of arms wrap around my midriff, stopping me.
I gasp, choking on air. Tears fall down my cheeks.
I’m not done living yet. Sure, my life isn’t perfect. At the moment, I don’t have much to live for, besides Mom and Lila and our work out classes. But Valerian can at least let me live longer so I can see what else is out there.
Valerian throws me over his shoulder like I weigh nothing. I kick. Wrap my arm around his head, bringing him into a headlock. It’s no use.
There’s simply no way I can get out of this. But that doesn’t mean I should give up. I’ll fight until the very end.
My heart sinks as we make it back inside. I continue shoving him off, twisting, turning as he brings me upstairs.
“Stop!” I scream, my voice bouncing off the marble balls. “Please. Don’t.”
Valerian keeps me stable on his shoulder. He has one hand on my hip, the other resting on my back. I’m petrified. A shiver runs down my back. But when it reaches the base of my spine, it becomes something else.
Heat starts to expand. I feel the excitement again.