Chapter 10
TEN
Asia
“You don’t have to do this, you know?” I said, looking across the kitchen table at Caitlin.
She held a blue mug filled with room-temperature water instead of her beloved espresso, and her sleek designer suits had been replaced with a pair of pale blue sweatpants and the matching sweatshirt with an embroidered teddy bear.
The kitchen was quiet, which was uncommon. Over time, it had become a hub of sorts, so I was glad Caitlin and I had this moment alone.
“Thanks for giving me permission, Asia,” Caitlin said.
I just shook my head, refusing to get sucked into her bravado.
“Caitlin…”
She looked at me, glared really, and for a split second, her eyes softened. It was gone in an instant, but I’d seen it. Had to look away.
This was how far I had fallen.
Caitlin—Caitlin—felt sorry for me.
I grit my teeth, fighting back the wave of nausea, hopeful it would pass.
I still didn’t have the nerve to tell Lourdes about my…predicament, so I didn’t have even low-level medical intervention.
But Aunt Kathleen’s library had all manner of books, and the one about pregnancy that I secreted away told me that the nausea would soon fade. But maybe I deserved it. After all, I didn’t even get my baby the most basic healthcare. Was failing him like I failed everyone else.
“You’re wrong anyway about having to do this. I’m stuck here, and I refuse to leave my fate in someone else’s hands.”
“Fine,” I whispered.
She shrugged. “And besides, if I suck up to Christopher enough, I might get something good out of it.”
“Something which you will undoubtedly share with the rest of us, right?”
“You’ll be the first to know.” She looked at her watch and frowned.
“Don’t know why I still wear this thing.
Battery shouldn’t be dead, but it stopped working right after all this started.
Still put it on every day.” She looked lost in thought but then shook her head.
“Anyway, I’m still trying to decide when would be best, so I’ll think about it and we can decide.
When it’s time, I’ll take Uncle Levi’s truck along with rations to keep myself for a day, maybe two.
Plus, it’ll look good if I don’t show up empty-handed,” she said.
“Someone should go with you. I’m sure Elliot won’t mind.”
Caitlin shook her head. “No. I need to go alone.”
“You’ll look stupid for going out there alone,” I said.
Caitlin smiled. “No, dear. I’ll look foolhardy, and there’s a difference.” She looked at me, considering. “That was always one of your weaknesses, you know?”
I stood from the table, ignoring the pull in my lower back. “What’s that?”
“You care what people think, especially if they think you look stupid. I, however, know how to use it to my benefit. That’s why I almost never lost a jury trial,” she said.
“Yeah, unless I was opposing counsel,” I said.
She laughed. “Whatever. I’m going to do morning stock.” She paused for a moment. “Now that Jack’s—”
She cut off and looked towards the sound of the screen door, which had just opened.
“You said my name, Caitlin?” Jack said as he strode into the kitchen.
“Eavesdropping, Jack?” She arched a brow.
He nodded. “I was.”
“Whatever. I was just about to tell Asia that it’s her job to keep you in line, although who knows if such a thing is possible?”
“Why don’t you keep me in line yourself?” Jack asked.
“You know what they say, Jack. You wrestle with a pig and you end up dirty and frustrated,” Caitlin said.
“I don’t think that’s exactly the quote,” Jack said.
“But you get the point, right?”
I looked back and forth between Jack and Caitlin as he studied her. “You’re not flirting with me.”
I wasn’t sure where Jack was going, but I was interested in how this would play out.
Caitlin wrinkled her nose with disgust. “God no.”
I couldn’t help but smile.
“You think I’m that bad, huh?” he said.
Caitlin looked at me, then looked at Jack, and shrugged, a wry smile on her face.
“It’s getting late,” she said, even though it was 7:45 in the morning. “Think about the trip, Asia.”
“What trip?” Jack asked, looking surprised.
Caitlin laughed. “Just girl talk, Jack. Nothing to worry your pretty little head about.” She left without another word and I was alone with Jack.
He stared at me. “What’s going on?”
“I’m sending Caitlin to town to get intel. I just need to decide on a day.”
“Do you think that’s—”
I interjected. “We’ve discussed it and made a plan.”
I was mad at him, mad at myself for being mad at him. He never promised me anything. My feelings were my own. But knowing that was one thing. Living it, that was something else. Which was exactly why I wanted to keep my distance from Jack. Distance he was intent on refusing me.
Still, I knew being close to him was dangerous.
Having him in my bed was lethal.
But I hadn’t mustered the strength to push him away.
“We’re making plans by ourselves?” Jack asked.
“We didn’t make plans by ourselves. Caitlin and I made a plan.”
“Not going to consult me?”
I sighed. “What do you want, Jack?”
I looked at him when he stayed quiet, staring at me like he wanted something.
Like he knew I wanted to give it.
When hell froze over.
“I’m going to walk the fence.”
I walked past him, stilling when he reached out and grabbed my elbow.
He stared down at me, his eyes almost black, his lips thinned in an unyielding line. Whatever he was looking for, I refused to let him see it.
I tilted my chin and held his gaze.
Then it happened. His lids lowered a fraction, and he let me go.
I should have been ashamed at how petty I was, but I was elated.
Elated enough that fence duty, the grueling farm labor that came after, didn’t even bring me down.
I wasn’t even mad that night when I found Jack lying in my bed like it was his.
He was naked, his legs splayed, his wide back crushing my pillows.
“You should have gotten here earlier.” He looked at me, his eyes, alight with amusement. “The pillows were so fucking cold, Asia.”
I scoffed. “I bet they were. Now they’re all hot and gross because you’re lying on them.”
“Come join me.”
“Why would I do that?”
He shrugged. “I don't know. Maybe the fact that you haven’t stopped looking at my cock since you walked into the room?”
“Well, it’s distracting.” I glared at him. He was so frustrating and overbearing and irritating and so fucking essential, it made me want to scream. Instead, I said, “You know, if you weren’t useful, I would kick you the fuck out of here.”
“Good thing I’m useful then. And besides, you’re lying.”
“Why am I lying, Jack?”
“Maybe I’ll tell you later, but you have something to take care of first.” He stroked his cock in long, slow swipes.
“What makes you think I’m even interested?”
He stilled his hand, the crown of his cock peeking out of his fist. “Asia, we’ve already determined that you’re not an idiot and I’m not either. So if me and my cock are so problematic, you can go.”
“Go? This is my room!”
“Then stay.”
He had the nerve to lean back against my makeshift headboard, eyes never leaving mine as he fucked his fist.
God, I wanted to scream, but still couldn’t deny the low pulse in my belly. It had to be the hormones because this was ridiculous. This man drove me absolutely insane.
An undeniable fact, yet I still wanted him in a way that was embarrassing.
Knew that I would give in and it wouldn’t even be a fight.
“Don’t touch me,” I spat, giving him the concession we both knew I would.
The asshole chuckled. He never fucking chuckled. “Kind of hard to do given what’s about to happen, don’t you think?”
“I’ll be more specific then since you’re proving yourself to be the idiot you claim that you’re not. Don’t touch my stomach.” I kept my voice high. Kept my eyes on him. He didn’t look away, but he flinched.
For anyone else, it would have been nothing, but I saw it, and was bombarded with victory and then shame. Funny. I was proud of myself for not feeling ashamed earlier.
Was happy that I hurt him.
Now I was disgusted that I hurt him. I kept my eyes on him as I pulled off my pants, stripped off my shirt, and walked towards him.
His cock was still at full mast, but he dropped his hand. I wanted him to turn me away, to recoil in disgust. Do something.
But he didn’t.
He just lay there, that taunting look on his face. I climbed onto the bed, my nipples pebbling in the cool air, the anticipation of touching him lighting me up with sensation. I climbed on him, fighting back the desire to close my eyes, slam down on his cock, and drive myself to a furious climax.
It’d be over quicker, I wouldn’t have to sit with his gaze but I didn’t deserve the reprieve. No this was mine to sit in or in this case sit on, so I did.
I gripped his cock at the base, teased myself with it, rubbing up, down, up again until his crown glistened with my wetness.
Then I leaned down and sucked him into my mouth, moaning around the taste of me on him.
I kept my eyes on him the entire time, tracing the sharp lines of his muscled chest with my eyes, staring at the way his abs constricted with his low moans.
I circled his crown with my tongue, and teased that one spot on the underside.
I gave him three furious strokes and was rewarded with a spurt of precum.
I opened my mouth and let it dribble down, then used my hand to stroke his shaft until it glistened.
I settled over him again, and lowered down slowly, inch by inch until our pubic bones thudded against each other.
Jesus I would never get used to this feeling of Jack inside me taking me over. I hated it because I loved it so much.
I needed it and he knew it, too. I kept my eyes on him, not allowing myself to look away and instead shifted, lifting a half an inch before slamming back down.
The next time I barely lifted it all and ground my hips into his forcing myself to keep my eyes on his gauging every micro reaction, knowing that even though he saw mine, I saw his, too.
It wasn’t parity but it was something. I lamented being at Jack’s mercy, hated it with every fiber of my being but in this way, he was at mine, too.
It was beyond insignificant, the biological imperative driven by evolution and brain chemicals, but I would chase these few moments of pleasure, of happiness, while I could.
Happiness. What a fucking joke.
I knew that, reminded myself of it every single day, but as I rode Jack, I chased the closest thing I would ever find to t let the sensations hit, all the while pretending I didn’t miss his hands on me.
I glanced down and saw the way he gripped the sheets.
Shivered at the memory of his rough, commanding hands and how they would touch me, of how he’d sometimes use those hands to cradle me so gently, I almost let myself believe I mattered.
“Fuck,” he grunted, his hips starting to buck. I expected him to hold my hips and still me take over and fuck me from below, but he didn’t. I kept my eyes on his and rode him as I came.
He stiffened, came inside me with a deep sigh. For a moment, his face was twisted in what looked like bliss but it was gone in an instant.
Afterwards, he kept his eyes on mine, but still didn’t touch me.
Didn’t touch me when he softened and slipped out of me.
I climbed off, his cum dripping down my thighs.
When I came back to the room, he was on his side, his back to me.
A victory, one I would try to hold close to stave away the coldness that enveloped me when I lay down next to him.
I was right.
My pillows were warm.
When I woke up, he was gone.