Chapter 21
TWENTY-ONE
Asia
I stared at the hole, one that we would soon lower Caitlin into.
The others went into the burn pit. But Elliot had taken some of the wood, crafted a coffin for Caitlin. He’d even found a bottle of that God-awful mineral water she was obsessed with, and put it in with her.
Now we all stood around the hole.
“You want to say a few words, Asia?” Uncle Levi said.
I glanced over at him where he sat in one of the rocking chairs from the porch. He had a blanket wrapped around his shoulders, even though it neared seventy degrees.
Don’t cry.
Don’t cry.
I wanted to cry, but was sure I wouldn’t stop.
So instead, I cleared my throat, looked at the others, unable to make out their faces through the blur of tears.
But when I glanced towards Jack, who stood off to the side, more than ten feet away from everyone else, I saw him clearly.
And at that moment, the distance between us seemed simultaneously insurmountable and closer than I’d ever dared hope.
I cleared my throat. “Me and Caitlin weren’t friends.”
Everyone laughed at that.
I shrugged, smiling myself.
“It’s true. We weren’t. But even before…all of this, she taught me so much. Taught me how to win. Once or twice, taught me how to lose.”
I looked down at the hole, at the box, one that Caitlin shouldn’t have been in, and then looked at everyone else.
“And she taught me…she taught me that she didn’t have to be a friend to be my family.”
Lourdes sniffled, and Elliot wiped at a stray tear.
Jack stepped forward then, and together, he and Elliot lowered Caitlin into the ground.
I should have stayed, but I couldn’t. “I’ll take watch,” I called over my shoulder, scurrying away.
Jack gave me about ten minutes to myself. I sat at my spot, looking out over the land as the sun fully gave way to night. Jack walked up, sitting beside me. His shoulder touched mine. His thigh pressed against mine.
I stayed still.
Torn.
Wanting, needing more than anything in this world to throw myself into his arms, to beg him to hold me, to whisper that everything was going to be okay.
I stayed silent.
Jack did, too, for so long that I could barely stand it.
The memory of Caitlin, the life draining out of her eyes…
I knew what this world was, what it was going to take. But I couldn’t shake that image. Couldn’t stand the silence either. I was on fire, and I was weightless. I knew what would anchor me, knew the only thing that could, but couldn’t allow myself to reach for it.
“Wish we had some more weed,” I said. My voice sounded pathetic.
Jack didn’t even dignify me with a chuckle.
“But guess I can’t now. With the baby and all.”
He still didn’t say anything. Part of me resented that; I was jealous that he could be so stoic in the face of everything. The other part of me took the silence.
Only realized later that I leaned against him.