Chapter 9 Renard
NINE
RENARD
Julian wasn't answering his phone.
I'd called seventeen times, left nine voicemails and sent fourteen texts that had all gone unread. The green message bubbles mocked me as I studied them.
My wolf was howling inside me and clawing at my ribs.
Our mate is scared and you have to fix it.
But I didn't know how to.
I'd spent days pacing my house, staring at my phone and willing it to ring. The Storm had a game tonight, but Coach had benched me after I'd shown up to practice and let in eight goals during drills. I couldn't think about anything except the horror on Julian's face when he'd seen me shift.
That expression would haunt me for the rest of my life.
Do something, my wolf demanded. Find him and make him understand.
"How?" I said out loud to my empty living room. "He won't talk to me."
My wolf didn't have an answer. He just paced and whined and made me miserable.
But I made a decision the next day and I drove to the dog walking company's office. I had no plan, just a desperate need to be near something connected to Julian.
The woman at the front desk looked up when I walked in. Her nameplate said Rita.
"Good morning. Can I help you?"
"I need to talk to you about Julian." Oops. That sounded like a demand or an order.
She furrowed her brow. "We don’t give out details about our employees. Privacy rules. If you can give me a message, I’ll pass it along." Under her breath she muttered. “Maybe."
"I messed up badly and I need to make it right."
"Uh-huh." She crossed her arms. "You're the hockey player, aren’t you?"
"Yes."
"The one who's had Julian walking around like a lovesick puppy for the past few weeks." She’d obviously forgotten the privacy issues and was about to let me have it.
I let out a breath. "He told you about me?"
She closed one eye and studied me. "What did you do?"
"I showed him something about myself and I should have explained it better. And now he won't answer my calls."
Rita rolled her eyes. "What do you want from me?"
"I want to walk dogs."
She blinked. "Excuse me?"
"I want to sign up as a temporary dog walker for today. I have a plan, but I need dogs to make it work." The plan had just popped into my head.
"You're a professional athlete and you want to walk dogs."
"Yes."
"To win back Julian."
"Yes."
She stared at me before pulling out a form. "Fill this out. You're signing a liability waiver and going on our temp insurance. If anything happens to these dogs, you're personally liable. The company won't cover your ass. And I will sue you for everything you're worth."
Twenty minutes later, I had four dogs on leashes and four laminated signs I'd made at a print shop. Cooper, Bailey, Daisy, and a beagle named Scout. I attached the signs to their collars, making sure they hung at the right angle.
This. Wolf. Needs. You.
My wolf approved of the message, even if the execution made me feel ridiculous.
After arriving at the park and manhandling the dogs out of the car, I walked the main path with my canine billboard, trying to project confidence I didn't feel. People gave me curious looks and one kid pointed at the signs and asked his mom what they meant.
I kept walking and searching for Julian until his familiar scent hit me and every cell in my body oriented toward it like a compass finding north.
Julian was near the water with three dogs. His face bore the marks of exhaustion. Had he lost weight because the hoodie appeared to be bigger than before. I wanted to rush over to him and hug him though I needed to think about the signs and my subsequent apology.
He hadn't seen me yet. I moved closer, positioning the dogs so the signs would be visible when he looked up. Cooper whined, recognizing Julian's scent and that's what caught his attention.
Julian's head snapped up. His eyes found Cooper before traveling to the other dogs. And to the signs. His eyes filled with tears.
My hands were clenched at my sides to keep me from reaching for him. Every instinct I had told me to close the distance and to promise everything would be okay. But I couldn’t, not when he was scared of what I was.
Tears spilled down his cheeks while his dogs pulled toward mine. Cooper and another dog greeted each other like old friends while Julian just stared at the signs on my dogs’ collars.
"Hi." My voice was croaky.
"You're walking dogs."
"Rita let me sign up for the day."
"Why?"
"Because you wouldn't answer my calls." I kept my distance, giving him space even though my wolf was howling to get closer. "And because I needed you to know I'm serious about us."
"Us." He wiped his eyes. "There can't be an us. You're a—“
"A shifter. I know. But I'm still me, Julian. I'm the person who had dinner with you and kissed you in that parking lot."
"You're a wolf."
"Sometimes. But I'm human too. I’m both."
Julian looked at the dogs, then back at me. "I don't understand what I saw."
"I panicked." The memory made me wince. "When I realized you'd seen me in wolf form, I tried to shift back too fast and I lost control. I got stuck between forms for a few seconds."
"Is that normal?"
"No. It only happens when we're emotional or scared." I paused. "I was terrified of losing you."
He was quiet for a moment. The dogs had tangled themselves together and their leashes creating a familiar mess between us.
"Are there others?" he asked finally. "Other shifters?"
"Yes."
"How?"
"I can give you a history lesson."
"Can you control it?"
"Yes. I choose when to shift. Unless I'm in extreme danger or emotional distress, which is rare."
Julian's hands were shaking as he wiped his face again. "Are you dangerous?"
"Never." I took a careful step closer. "My wolf would die before hurting you. He’s part of me. He has his own wants and personality, but we're the same person."
"That doesn't make sense."
"I know. But it's the truth."
The leashes were completely tangled now. Cooper had wrapped himself around Bailey, and Scout was trying to chase Daisy. It should have been frustrating. Instead, it felt normal which I craved.
Julian looked down at the tangles and at the signs on the collars. "This wolf needs you?"
"Desperately."
"I was scared." His voice broke. "I watched your body change into something that shouldn't exist. It was the most terrifying thing I've ever seen."
"I know. And I'm sorry you found out that way. I was going to tell you. I just—" I couldn't finish the sentence.
"You just what?"
"I was scared too. That you'd react exactly like you did and that you'd run and never come back."
Julian was crying again, but quieter now. "I don't know what to do with this. You turn into a wolf and shifters are real."
"You don't have to do anything right now. Just don't shut me out. I’ll explain everything and help you understand."
"And if I can't? If it's too much?"
The question was a knife to the chest. But I forced myself to answer honestly. "Then I'll respect that, but please give me a chance first."
He looked at me across the tangle of dogs and leashes.
Those brown eyes I'd fallen for were red-rimmed and exhausted, and I wanted to reach across the space between us and wipe away the tears still on his cheeks.
If I pulled him close and breathed in his scent, my wolf would be content and so would I.
"The partial shift thing," he said quietly. "Will that happen again?"
"Not if I'm in control."
"Are you in control now?"
"Barely. My wolf wants to be near you."
"What does that mean?"
I chose my words carefully. "Shifters have strong instincts about people we're drawn to. My wolf and I recognized something in you from the moment we met."
"What?"
I couldn't say mate, not yet. That was too much too soon. "You’re someone worth protecting."
Julian made a sound that might have been a laugh or a sob. "You're asking me to accept that you have an inner wolf with feelings about me."
"Yes."
"That's really out there.”
"I know."
He didn't move but tears were still tracking down his face and he was staring at the four dogs with their ridiculous signs.
"This was a really dorky grand gesture," he said finally.
"I'm not good at them.”
"No. But you're good at showing up." He wiped his face again. "Even when it's hard."
"Always for you."
Julian looked at me as though he was trying to see past the human exterior to the wolf underneath.
"I need time," he said. "To figure out what it means."
"Okay."
"But I'm not saying no." That got my wolf’s attention.
"No?"
"I'm saying I need space to think. And lots of explanations."
"Whatever you need."
"Can we untangle the dogs first?"
I looked down at the leashes and couldn't help but smile. "Yeah. We can do that."
We worked together, carefully unwinding each leash. Our hands brushed once, twice, and each time I caught his scent that I'd memorized. I had to resist the urge to grab his hand and pull him closer.
When we finished, Julian gathered his three dogs and I kept my four.
"I'll call you," he said.
"I'll answer."
"I know you will." He hesitated. "The signs were sweet."
"Rita helped with the wording."
That got a small smile from him. "She knows?"
"That I messed up? Yes. That I'm a shifter? No. I told her the wolf reference was a private joke."
"Good. Because if you told Rita, I'd be pissed." The casual comment felt like hope. Maybe this wasn't completely destroyed after all.
Julian walked away with his dogs, and I let him go. My wolf whined, wanting to follow, but I held firm.
He hadn't said no. He needed time.
I could give him that.