Chapter 10
Chapter Ten
Sibyl made a point the following morning to go down for breakfast.
She didn’t want to stay holed up in her chamber, avoiding the Duke as though she had done something wrong.
Throughout the night, her dreams had been filled with the Duke. Sometimes she dreamed they had never kissed at all, and other times she dreamed of what might have happened had the kiss gone further.
Had she not panicked and run.
Had she not told herself that she wasn’t allowed such indulgences, that they couldn’t cross that boundary even if she had wanted to keep kissing him more than anything.
Her thoughts were a jumbled mess, and she had still not arranged them into some sort of order by the time he walked into the breakfast room.
He paused the moment he saw her. He glanced twice at her, as if he had not expected to find her sitting there, buttering her toast.
“Morning,” he greeted, his voice low and gruff.
“Good morning.”
He kept regarding her for a few more moments, while she tried desperately to act as though everything was normal. Yet, if he looked too closely, he would have noticed that the hand holding the butter knife trembled at his presence.
The Duke took his place opposite her, reaching for the teapot.
Sibyl hoped her blush wasn’t as deep as it felt, remembering how she had knocked aside her teacup in the kitchen the night before, how the simple task of brewing tea for her back pain had led to their kiss. Now, she couldn’t think of anything other than that tea as he poured himself a cup.
She tried not to focus on his clothes. He wore a dark waistcoat that morning, and his cravat was not quite black, but still dark enough to match his usual attire.
She briefly thought of scooting closer to him to discern the exact shade, then flushed at her folly.
“You have not turned up for breakfast recently,” he noted. “So I went to your chamber to ask you to join me.”
“After…” Her face burned. “After hearing the gossip, I felt it appropriate to do as you initially requested,” she muttered, keeping her eyes down. “Why did you want to ask me today of all days?”
“Because we are returning to London today.”
Finally, Sibyl looked up at him, her eyes widening. “No. No, we cannot.”
He just stared back at her, an eyebrow cocked.
Sibyl’s palms grew clammy. “We cannot. Our—our marriage is too recent, and people are still speculating. Heavens, the scandal sheet proved exactly that! Was that not enough to endure? I am certain that when we are back in London, the gossip will grow tenfold. Worse, the ton will not hold back—”
“So let them speculate.” The Duke’s simple remark came too easily. But he was a duke, and his rank had always given him authority above others. “I will not let anybody look down on you, Duchess. Nobody will touch you, not with their hands nor words.”
“Except they will,” she protested. “You cannot silence everybody.”
“I will not stop protecting you either way.”
“Your Grace—”
“We are returning to London, Duchess,” he reiterated. “I know you are scared, but you do not have to be. You are not powerless, not the way you have been made to feel in the past. You are the Duchess of Stonehelm now, and that carries more weight than you realize.”
“Duchess or not, people will still gossip.”
“Words cannot hurt you.”
So why have they my whole life? From my mother, from even my sisters in our younger days, for always feeling foolish for wanting a perfect, romantic life. Words can be just as sharp as physical weapons.
“I can see you are scared—”
“Of course I am scared!” she cried, shoving her chair back and rising to her feet.
“You were not the one blamed for your husband’s addiction, infidelity, and death.
You had nothing to lose when we met, but I was blamed for everything.
So yes, I am terrified, for I have seen how the ton turns on people.
They have already made us their target.”
“Duchess—”
She was already running away from the table, knowing they were going back to London regardless of her reservations. However, she needed time to prepare herself without being watched.
The Duke didn’t judge her; she knew that. And she yearned for his promised protection. Yet, she couldn’t swallow back her worry.
Not yet. Not until she faced it all.
It was not going to be easy, yet as Sibyl found solace in holding her daughter close in the nursery while her trunks were packed, she tried to comfort herself with the fact that at least she wouldn’t be facing it all alone.
Rochdale House’s gardens were in full bloom as Sibyl and Isabella took a leisurely walk. Behind them, Hannah walked with Rosie in her arms, and Sibyl smiled at the sounds of her daughter’s gurgles as she took in the gardens.
Sibyl knew exactly what was coming and braced herself.
“Go on, then,” she prompted lightly. “Ask me as I asked you.”
Isabella gave her a knowing smile. “Very well. I was going to give you a respite, actually. Hermia would have peppered you with questions the moment you walked through the door.”
“You have always kept most of your thoughts to yourself,” Sibyl noted.
“Indeed, and I know you like to take your time. But how are you, Sibyl? Truly.”
Sibyl used to get so frustrated when her sisters put on happy faces in the early days of their marriages. She had always known something was amiss and always wanted to press them, but now she understood why they used to do that.
She, too, wanted to do it more than anything. Instead, she let herself acknowledge the loneliness of Stonehelm Hall, the strange tension, and how she wished she had someone to talk to about her feelings. Now, she could.
“I am well enough,” she answered, “and my husband… he is confusing.”
“Are they not all the same?” Isabella laughed softly, nudging her with her elbow. “But you are smart, do not forget that. Men are not as hard to understand as they seem. Their silence often means they are torn, and their efforts eventually show. One day, they simply… snap.”
Sibyl released a shaky breath as she recalled the tenderness of the Duke’s kiss—the tenderness that had quickly turned into hot passion, as though his restraint had snapped.
Isabella raised an eyebrow. “Unless the Duke already has?”
“I…” Sibyl bit her lip as they rounded a corner, entering a walled rose garden.
She glanced back at Hannah, nodding for her to stay just outside the entrance. Then, she guided Isabella to a stone bench in the center of the garden.
“We kissed last night. I was making tea in the kitchen, and he returned looking… wild. There is no other word for it. He has been disappearing at night and often returns bruised. I pretend not to notice because he does not acknowledge the pain. I do not even know how it all happened. One moment, he was massaging my back; the next, we were kissing.”
“And how do you feel about it?”
“Conflicted,” Sibyl admitted. “The kiss itself was wonderful—I have never experienced anything like it. It felt…” She blushed, ducking her head.
But this was her sister. She had been closer to Hermia growing up, with Isabella and Alicia both similar in temperament, while Sibyl and Hermia had always been gentler. But now she felt much closer to Isabella.
“It felt like what my books said kisses should feel like. But I was also terrified. Our marriage is one of convenience; surely, inviting intimacy into it will only complicate it further. And then there is the fact that I cannot let myself feel these things for a man I do not know. There is so much I do not know about him, so I cannot trust him. Edmund kept so much from me, and the Duke is doing the same thing, even though his reasons seem different.”
Isabella nodded, her eyebrows knitted together. “It is the feeling of not wanting to be an open door physically while being shut out emotionally.”
“Exactly,” Sibyl agreed. “I do not want to let myself be vulnerable with him if we cannot have that in every way. I know it is still early in our marriage, but I want to know exactly where I stand with him. He has saved me, and that is why I cannot risk anything going further.” She sighed, brushing back a loose strand of hair in frustration.
“And yet I cannot stop thinking about him in that way.”
Isabella nodded again in understanding. “When I wed Oscar, every door was locked to me, literally and figuratively.
He lived in a locked house, and I was barely given any keys.
It took him a long time to trust me, no matter how much I pushed.
But Sibyl, it was worth it. We grew closer. He, too, saved me, and I fell for him.
“Putting yourself within boundaries will only complicate things further. If you open yourself to other possibilities, it will feel less heavy. There is no convenience versus intimacy. The boundaries within marriage can be shifted.
“If you wish to kiss your husband, then kiss him. If you wish to get to know him better, then do not ever stop asking. These types of men… they have been forged by pride and duty. They have lived independently for so long that it takes time to share their lives and pain—for there will be pain, just as you have yours. Let him in at your own leisure, though. Do not let him demand everything of you without receiving anything in return.”
“I just do not want to get hurt,” Sibyl whispered. “I am still that girl you always laughed at when you found me in the library on my fourth romance book of the week, daydreaming about becoming a wife. And yet I feel so far from her at the same time.”
“You have just said it yourself. You are still her. You are still that girl, deep down. She has just been buried by adulthood and too much pain. Sibyl, my dear, you are twenty and have already been through a tragedy. Your life has been turned upside down, but you can still find your way back to her. And who knows, perhaps your life with His Grace is the path back to that which you do not know you need.”
“What if I embrace that path but find myself walking alone? I do not want to be alone in my marriage, Isabella.” Sibyl blinked away sudden tears.
Isabella squeezed her hand tightly. “You will never be alone. And if the Duke hurts you, you already have two brothers-in-law at the ready to fight for your honor. Two sisters, too, and I am certain Alicia will be right behind us.”
Sibyl laughed through her tears. “Heavens, I believe she would barrel through all of you to be at the front.”
“Exactly.” Isabella laughed with her before pulling her into a tight hug. “Now, I was thinking of inviting Hermia, Charles, and Phoebe over for dinner tonight while you are visiting. Can you stay for a few more hours?”
“I want nothing more than that.” Sibyl grinned. “I am sure Phoebe will be more than happy to see her cousin, after all.”
“Indeed. Come on, let us go and plan.”