Chapter 26
“Did you get everything you needed from your place?” I ask, losing my train of thought completely when I find Jackie in my kitchen, ass up, bent over the oven.
She startles and drops the baking dish.
“Ow.”
“You should’ve used the mitt,” I say, grabbing her arm and leading her to the sink to run cool water over her slightly reddened hand.
“It’s fine. Just the scare.”
She pulls her hand away and won’t meet my eyes. I don’t know what to do from here.
I followed Beau’s suggestion.
As soon as I left our meeting, I went to one of the vacant apartments I own and had a jeweler meet me there with his entire stock of wedding bands and engagement rings.
I also asked for earrings, bracelets, and necklaces.
I’ve got so much damn jewelry waiting in the living room that I might as well open my own store.
I have no fucking clue how I’m supposed to give her an engagement ring, or all that gold, when she won’t even look at me.
“I have something in the living room you might like,” I say.
“What is it?”
“A gift. Or… several.”
Jackie
Lucifer looks completely uncomfortable, and I don’t know why. Is it because he found me in his kitchen? If it is, we’re going to have a problem. I refuse to eat frozen meals every day. If we’re really doing this, getting married, we’re going to have decent meals every day.
Or at least on the days he’s here, a voice in my head reminds me.
“Do you plan on being gone a lot after we get married?” I ask, stopping in my tracks. “I’m not asking you to be around all the time, it’s just that I need to plan.”
He grips my shoulders.
“That’s your only concern about our marriage? Not that whole connection thing?”
“I mentioned the connection because we don’t really know each other, Lucifer. We’ve been apart too long. Each of us is still stuck in the past.”
“I know you.”
“What’s my favorite color? What am I afraid of? What other volunteer work do I do besides the association? Who was the first guy to break my heart?”
Like yesterday, he takes a step back.
“You don’t know, do you? I’ll tell you. My favorite color has been navy blue for a long time—”
Because it reminds me of your eyes.
“What I fear most in life is that one day you’ll decide the promise you made to Martin to look after me doesn’t need to be kept and you’ll disappear forever.
And before you think it’s because I’m afraid to live alone in the real world, it’s not that.
I’m afraid of losing you, even though I’ve never truly had you. ”
“Jackie.”
“I do online volunteer work with other ‘armchair detectives’ trying to find missing persons, because Taylor’s disappearance messed with my head, and I want to help other families going through the same thing. And the first guy to break my heart was you. When I was fifteen, the night you left.”
I feel absolutely drained when I finish, but the relief I expected from finally unburdening my heart, showing him my soul, doesn’t come.
“And what do you know about me, huh? Face it, Jackie, you idealize me. I’m a fucking monster.
I have a favorite color, too. Light pink.
I don’t even like it; I only picked it because it was your favorite for as long as I can remember.
In my world, I don’t have time to appreciate beauty.
I never learned to enjoy music. I can’t get fucking captivated by the smell of a flower, but I remember the smell of the food your mother served us every day.
I remember how grateful I felt to have you all. I was afraid I’d have to leave.”
“Lucifer…”
“I don’t do volunteer work. And there’s a good chance that a lot of the missing people you look for, if they were criminals, it was me or men like me who made them disappear.
First girl to break my heart? No one, because I don’t have one.
I’m a fucking hollow defect. A killing machine.
And sometimes, a fucking machine. But there’s something missing from your list. What’s sacred to you, Jackie? ”
“What?”
“You don’t know? Ask me what mine is. Don’t have the guts?
Fine, I’ll tell you. It’s you. No matter that now I know how good you taste, or that I want to stay buried inside your pussy until my balls ache for days or weeks, you have always been, and always will be, my sacred.
So that fear of yours, that I’ll disappear?
Only if I’m dead, Jackie Alston. I’ll never walk away.
I’ll make sure you’re alive and whole, even if I have to force you to marry me.
Even if I condemn you to live beside death. ”
I can see he’s holding himself back from turning his back on me and walking away. For the first time, I think Lucifer is trying to handle his rage without using a knife or a gun on his opponent, because right now, that’s what I am to him.
“I’m trying, Jackie. I’ve never been anywhere close to what we’re about to risk jumping into together.” He grabs the shopping bags and hands them to me.
I recognize the logo of a famous jewelry store.
“What’s this?”
“I want you to have everything, so I figured you needed an engagement ring. There are some other pieces too.”
My body trembles, and for the first time in his presence, it’s not from lust, it’s from emotion.
“You bought me an engagement ring?”
He shrugs, and I never thought I’d live to see the confident Lucifer look embarrassed.
“You needed one,” he says, practically repeating what he said before.
I sit on the couch and open the box. My jaw drops at the size of the stone, but it’s not the beauty of the ring that gets to me. It’s the fact that he did this.
And then I get it.
He’s right. At least partly. I have idealized him. How can I want something real between us if I’m not willing to see his real?
He’s trying. It’s time to meet him halfway.
“Was this your idea?”
“No. A friend of mine is married. I… uh… I asked for advice about that whole connection thing you mentioned, and—”
I don’t let him finish. I run to him and jump into his arms.
Lucifer doesn’t hesitate. He holds me, hooking my legs around his waist. He responds when my mouth finds his with desperation. He holds me in a way that makes me feel desired and protected, his unique way of claiming me, one I know no other man could match.
“I want to be yours.”
“Because of the ring?”
“No. Because of us. I’m ready.”