37. Ridge
RIDGE
Finally, I had her to myself.
I almost felt bad for being so happy knowing she was disappointed about waiting on the warehouse, but I couldn’t help myself.
Last night had been all about fucking — and don’t get me wrong, I definitely wanted to fuck Audrey Sterling again — but I was surprised to find I wanted to really know her too.
I put on some music and finished dinner while she sat at the island, nursing her beer along with a grudge against Graham.
I learned that she went into medicine because her parents wanted her to but found she liked it.
She liked working in the ER because every day was different, but sometimes it made her feel cut off from the real world.
I confirmed what I already suspected — that Ella was her life, that she felt her life hadn’t really started until Ella was born, that being a mother was the best thing that had ever happened to her.
I also learned that she felt like she’d failed Ella by not being able to work things out with Dean, even when deep down she knew that was a lie victims of abuse told themselves.
She got nervous when we talked about Dean — about their relationship — like a skittish animal. I was afraid to spook her so I enlisted her help getting everything to the table and we dug into the meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and string beans, along with two fresh beers.
I took Graham’s spot so I could sit close to her and watched as she took her first bite of food.
“Oh my god,” she said. “This is really good. I don’t think before now I would have said my stomach was the way to my heart but I’m starting to reconsider.”
I laughed. “There’s more where that came from.”
“Do you enjoy cooking?” she asked. “Or do you just do it because it’s part of the deal around here?”
“I enjoy it,” I said. “I’m no chef, but I can make the basics, and it’s meditative in a way.”
She took a bite of green beans, then nodded like she approved. “Did your parents like to cook?”
“My dad did all the cooking,” he said. “And yeah, he enjoyed it.”
“Are you still in touch with your parents?” she asked.
“Here and there.”
She must have sensed the hesitation in my voice.
“We don’t have to talk about them if you don’t want,” she said.
I shook my head. “You can ask me anything. I stopped hiding who I am a long time ago.”
“What do they do?” she asked.
“Believe it or not,” I said, “they’re nerds.”
She laughed. “What does that mean?”
“They’re computer people. Programmers.”
Her eyes widened. “You’re kidding.”
I laughed. “Swear to god.”
“How…”
“Did I end up like this?” I finished for her.
Now it was her turn to laugh. “I wasn’t going to put it like that, but yeah, I guess.” She looked around the house. “This is a long way from computer programming.”
I nodded. “Ones and zeros never did suit me. Believe me, they tried.”
“How do they feel about what you do now?” she asked.
“They’ve accepted it,” I said. “My older sister is a chemist, married with two kids, so parenthood wasn’t a total wash.”
“I’m sure they don’t look at it like that,” she said. “I don’t care what Ella does when she grows up. I just want her to be happy.”
I studied her face, thought again about how fucking beautiful she was, with her deep brown eyes and her crooked smile. “You’re a good mom.”
She looked at her plate. “Sometimes it feels impossible to be a really good mom in my… situation.”
“An even bigger reason why it’s true. You’re holding it together for Ella, making sure she sees her dad, not talking shit about him in front of her.”
She hesitated. “I thought about having him killed.”
I took her hand. “That was for Ella too.”
“I don’t have proof,” she said.
“Yet,” I added. “And that’s why I don’t think you would have pulled the trigger, no pun intended.”
“But I might have.”
“But you didn’t.”
“Because I didn’t get the choice,” she said.
“Graham gave you the choice the other day.” I looked in her eyes. "I’m giving you the choice now.”
She pulled her hand away. “I’d be taking Ella’s dad away from her.”
“Some kids lose their parents. Sometimes it’s a tragedy. Sometimes it’s not.”
“Maybe,” she said. “But I’d be taking him from her. Me. I don’t know if I can do that.”
“What if you had proof?” I asked. “Proof that Dean was trafficking women? That he was a danger to Ella?”
“I don’t know.” She took a hurried drink of her beer. “I don’t know.”
I nodded. “You don’t have to make a decision now. Let’s see what the warehouse turns up.”
She nodded and exhaled a shuddering breath, and I was suddenly sorry we’d gotten on the subject. She had enough on her shoulders every day.
The weight of the world.
I wanted to give her a relaxing night. Wanted to make her feel good.
Wanted to make her forget.
I picked up my fork and looked at her plate as she did the same. “You going to have room for ice cream?”
“There’s ice cream too?”
“Lots,” I said.
She laughed a little, her voice lighter now. “Be still my heart.”
And suddenly, I wanted to hear that laugh forever.