Chapter 28
28
CHARLOTTE
A warm breeze wrapped around me, and I peeked my eyes open. Just five more minutes . Rowan was still sound asleep and I dared not to disturb him, taking a nap was seldom for the both of us; at least at the same time. I hadn’t brought it up, but I knew he had had nightmares here and there too, almost always up and ready for the day before I was. I couldn't tell him to go back to sleep, and it was irritating.
I needed some alone time anyway, and I knew just the place to go. It wouldn’t be smart to go by myself, but I hadn't been anywhere alone in a long time; maybe it was what I needed. This meeting with Josh was weighing heavy, more so what Roe said. What if it is a trap and I'm putting myself stupidly in the open?
When it came to the Walkers, there wasn’t anyone I trusted more than Roe, he had even shown me the layout of the secret hallways lined with different cells, and what happened in each area. He had dug deep into his past to draw out and explain everything to my men and it was starting to take a toll on him . He wasn't sleeping right, was eating less, and there were a few nights where I was sure he thought I was dead asleep; allowing himself to cry as silently as possible on the balcony. I rolled out of bed and my eyes searched the room for a particular set of keys and I set off to clear my mind.
Reaching for the strap I unhooked the helmet and took it off, shaking my hair out, I hadn’t been here in so long. The city looked so beautiful from here, even if the lights weren’t?illuminating it, and the shrubs looked like they needed water and a trim. Maybe I can come up here and clean it up a bit one of these days. I picked a spot and slid down to the ground, feeling the earth and rocks between my fingers. Rowan was right, it's really nice up here, just you and the universe.
“Hey Dad, I hope you can hear me. I know I wasn’t the best daughter, but you were an amazing father.” With no proof that he could hear me, it probably looked like I was crazy, dressed in a pair of sweats and a white tank top with my jacket. But I didn’t care, up until now I hav e n’t had time to properly mourn him. “And you deserved to die peaceful and happy, not murdered in cold blood. I’m so angry,” I said through gritted teeth.
Trying desperately to choke down the sobs I looked at the sky. “How is any of this worth it, Dad? I’d like to think I’ve been doing a good job, but I can’t shake the feeling that something bad is going to happen, I— I need you. I look in the mirror and see you. We are one in the same, and I always loathed it, but in times like this I’d like to imagine how you would handle it.”
The tears spilled over, still I kept going.
“I’ll never be good enough,” I whispered, placing my forehead to the ground when I heard leaves and rocks crunching behind me. Lifting my head from the ground, I sat back on my knees regaining my composure, wiping at the tears that pricked my eyes. The footsteps stopped a distance away, and I knew who it was, the only person that ever respected me enough to give me the space I needed. I hated when he saw me like this, so vulnerable, the broken side of me.
I turned my head but remained in place. My breathing slowed and I struggled as my voice cracked.
“I’m sorry I didn't tell you where I was going.”
He has had my location for a long time, and I let him entertain it; he had peace of mind so it didn't bother me.
“It helps if you scream,” He said, taking a place next to me.
“Come here.” Immediately, I curled into him, and his arms wrapped protectively around me.?“And you will always be good enough.”
Rowan had been there through my highs and my lows and never judged me for any of it. If I kept holding all of this in, not only would I suffer, but my business, friendships, and my relationship would as well; So I crumbled the wall and let go. Fisting his shirt in my hand, I buried my face in his chest, and stopped trying to bury the sobs.
“I'm too tired to scream,” I hiccupped. “I just need to stay like this for a while please.”
He kissed the top of my head and pulled me closer. “As long as you need.”
We had been there for a while and the sun started to set, but I was in no way ready to go back, thankfully Rowan packed some snacks and we were able to finally have a peaceful conversation.
“So, how much of that did you see?” I asked, biting into my apple.
“All of it, you should know by now, that I know you; but your spirit is the very first thing that drew me in. That, and I heard the keys jingling. You're the heavy sleeper Princess, not me . ” He chuckled. “Do you feel better?”
I turned to face him ready to give him the truth.
“I’m getting there, one step at a time right.” I smiled and took his hand in mine and bit down on my lip. He had been as honest as he could and I owed him that, if he wanted these things, with me, he needed to know I felt the same.
“Rowan, I want everything with you, I want the house with the picket fence and our kids running around chasing each other, and the dog running after them, but I’m scared. It will be tough already with the added stress of never feeling like they will be safe; we can't always have an eye on them, and I’ll be damned if we lock them up like I?was, I won’t. The only way is to eliminate the Walkers as a threat or leave this life, and both are highly unrealistic.”
He blew out a breath and brought his knee to his chest wrapping his arm around bringing me close.
“Charlotte, I want those things too, but I think we should finish this meeting. I do have something I want to show you soon, I just need another week okay? Everything will work out. And when you feel like everything is falling apart, look to me, and I will always give you the reassurance you need. Just don’t forget about the others too, you have more?love around you than you realize.”
“You have said it yourself Rowan, you’re one man, you can’t fix everything, and I don't expect you to.” I said softly, leaning further into his chest.
He stood up and reached his hand out and I took it carefully, hoisting myself up in the process. The words he spoke sat in my thoughts and I thought about Nicole, Thomas, Arthur, and even Charlie. People who have seen me at my best and worst and were there to put me back together and build me up in more ways than one. I had a duty to them, and maybe I could have the life I wanted, we just needed to finish this first. Rowan might protect me, but it was time for me to protect them.
His deep chuckle brought me out of the trance I was in. “What’s so funny? I asked curiously.
“You,” he replied. “Wanting kids and a dog; you're going to have to pick one or the other, that's a whole lotta shit to clean up, and my stomach isn’t great in the morning.”
“Whatever Roe, you know you can’t say no to me,” I laughed.
Grabbing the chain on his neck, I pulled him toward me and tilted my head up to look at him. “Can you tell me everything's going to be okay?”
He was still, looking as if he was lost in thought, his lips pressed together in a thin line. When he was this quiet with me it meant one of two things. He was angry, or he was scared. He placed his forehead against mine and closed his eyes.
“If you want the complete truth, I’m scared,” he said, running his thumb along my jawline. “Joshua is way sneakier than his father, I have to assume the worst. For the first time, I don’t see an angle. Lottie, I can’t protect you from what I have no knowledge of. I am terrified I am going to lose you.”
“Is that why you haven’t been sleeping?” I asked.
“I’ve been up every night in your office trying to figure him out. We have history, yes, but I don’t know him.” He pushed off me and stepped backward. Rubbing circles in his chest, he looked away from me.
“Rowan, it scares me seeing you so unsure, even if everything goes wrong in a few days we have to remember why we are fighting, and who we are fighting for, and we are a damn good team.”? I flitted my eyes to the edge of the cliff and started walking toward it.
There was only one other time I managed to sneak away on my own and just over the ledge was a little small patch of road that must have broken off at some point long ago, I needed to make a point.
“Lottie, now isn't the time for games, get away from the ledge,” he said, gritting his teeth.
“Oh Rowan, there's always time for games,” I said triumphantly before taking off over the edge.
I could hear him screaming for me, but I just needed him to know that I would protect him in every way, just like he did for me. My hands rested against the dirt that shielded the small piece of road I was on, until I saw him come into view.
With a small giggle, I pulled him by his ankle and he slid down the dirt, until he was planted on the same piece of concrete. “See, not everything is as it seems, Roe.”
He gave me a scowl ripping his arm away. I could tell he wasn't amused at my attempt for inspiration.
“Bet all these years you came here, you had no idea it was there, because you never looked off the edge. Most people wouldn’t out of fear of falling over it. That's what I love about you Rowan, I love that you can bring a fresh perspective to things. You think about ideas, or motives that others wouldn't, and it is always going to make us stronger, baby.”
The stones dug into my knees as I kneeled down in front of him. “Now look me in the eyes and tell me everything is going to be ok.”
Tilting his head, Rowan's hand wrapped around my throat, and he met me halfway in a passionate, hungry kiss. He was the first to pull away and I locked eyes with him, pleading for more.
“I love you, but stop asking me to lie to you Charlotte.” He brought his lips back to mine with such ferocity in this moment. This kiss would be etched in my mind forever. This kiss worried me.