17. Coen
Coen
The ride to our destination is quiet.
I sit on the right side, Dominic on the left. Both of us peering out our windows, more than likely the same thing on our minds.
June. The man that hurt her. And the sweet torture we’d like to inflict on him.
But with June’s latest confession, it seems Dominic wants to share that pleasurable experience with her.
Can I allow that to happen though? Just because we’re used to this world of brutality doesn’t mean she should join it so carelessly.
I understand she’s reacted well to everything she’s been shown, but at what point will it have been too much?
And then what? Will she truly see us for the ruthless men we are, and finally say enough is enough?
I’ve lost her once before—can I handle another?
It’s better to have her around and hate me, than not at all.
I’m hopeless, that much is given. There is no mercy for me.
No amount of Hail Mary’s or penance can save my tormented soul from the things I’ve done.
I was broken when she found me, June being the glue that held me together, only for it to all come tumbling down when we were ripped apart.
She was the light through the darkness I never thought I’d find.
A precious gift from the universe that I treated with more decency than I thought I was capable of, in an attempt to protect her from this cruel world.
She saw me for who I was, the broken sad boy, and helped me catch my breath when I felt everything slipping out from under me.
I shouldn’t have given a single person so much power, but I knew with absolute certainty that she would never take advantage of it.
Her intentions were pure, like mine were with her.
The moment she was stripped from me, it felt like my heart was ripped from my chest. I had to get back to her, and I knew it was only a matter of time until I made that happen. I wasn’t aware of the lengths I’d go through until I had already gone through them.
Dominic found me sitting in a pile of blood so thick that it coated my entire body.
I was only a teenager, and yet I had done more damage than he had said he’d ever seen.
I killed ten men that week. Three of their bodies scattered around me, oozing what was left of them out onto the concrete of the building we were in.
His gun was trained at me until he realized that I was unarmed.
Just a kid covered in the remains of people who had it coming.
I was exhausted, hadn't slept in days. Couldn't remember the last time I had a meal.
My only thirst was for revenge, and that's exactly what I got.
I ended the life of every person deemed responsible for the death of my father.
The people standing in the way of my freedom, my path back to her.
My quest was easier than I imagined once I flipped the switch and allowed the darkness to consume me.
“You’re safe now,” Dominic had said.
But did he mean from the dead people or from myself?
Because I would never escape the black cloud looming over my head, the one that was there my entire life.
The one that only temporarily lifted the one summer before everything changed.
The cloud was gone, a bright beaming light brought in from the blissfully perfect moments with her, only to be taken and replaced by a ravishing storm that would wreck and ruin me forever.
“Your past,” Dominic continued. “You keep it there. Anything you knew before this moment, you forget. You cannot return to that life. You made that decision when you carried out this rampage. I can help you, but you must make one last choice. Death, or the cause?”
“What?” I stared up at him, noting the hardness of his jaw. The expensive suit he was wearing. The effortless strength he carried, like people listened to him when he spoke.
“Protection comes at a cost. These men you killed, there are more of them. And they will come after you and anyone you care for. You may have concluded your murder tour here today, boy, but the implications will follow. If you leave this building alone, they will find you. If you hide, they will seek. Anyone you contact, they will pursue. Every step you take will be a trail of death lingering in your wake. Unless of course, there is a force that prevents that. That is something I can offer you.”
“Why?” If I was such a liability, why would he ever consider taking me under his wing instead of throwing me to the wolves?
Dominic’s gaze had trailed over my face, down to my blood-soaked hands and the bodies that cluttered the space around us. “Because I know potential when I see it.”
My mind had fluttered to her face. The ache in my chest pulled at the thought of leaving her behind.
It was something I battled with every moment following the one where I was forced into my dad’s truck and driven away and out of sight.
I didn’t realize the man driving the vehicle was running from men like this until we were motel hopping in our attempt to get away from them.
The idea of getting back to her was the only saving grace I had.
It wasn’t safe to break away, not when they would have come for me, and potentially put her in danger.
But when they finally caught up to us, and ended my dad’s life, I knew what I had to do.
I would kill every one of them and make my way back to her.
It wasn’t until I shoved a dagger into the first man’s heart that I realized the severity of what I had done.
It was easy. Too easy. And it made me understand just how dark and twisted I really was inside. How I would do literally anything to end this and be with her.
But with each kill, the doubt set in. How would I explain the missing time?
Would I tell her what I had done? Would she forgive me for my ruthlessness?
Would she fear me? Yet, the only way I would find out was to see it through.
And that I did. I shot and stabbed and snapped necks until I collapsed onto the cold, wet concrete in a pile of blood that did not belong to me.
Finally, I could rid myself of this life, and be at her side.
But with Dominic's words, he told me that I was in too deep, and there would be no escaping the world I careened headfirst into.
No amount of death or time would protect June from me and the wrath that would follow.
In that moment, and each that had followed our separation, all I wanted was her, but she was the one thing I couldn't have.
I wouldn't do that to her. I wouldn't risk her life so fucking foolishly.
Our beautiful summer would have to stay that, a memory that I would cling to for the rest of my sad existence.
I stood from the wreckage that day a different man. I had shed the skin of a boy seeking revenge and became a man who would give up everything to protect the last remaining good in his life. Even if those two things were the same.
I walked away from her because I was told that was what I had to do.
And now, she’s back in my life, but not because of me, because of these two men who insist on putting her in danger. She thinks I abandoned her. That I willingly let her go. Yet, leaving her behind was the single hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
It’s not like I can explain that. She wouldn’t believe me. She wouldn’t understand. I couldn’t tell her the horrible things I’ve done to ensure danger would never come her way.
She hates me because I love her. That reality hurts harder than I thought possible.
I always told myself that protecting her was worth it, the smart choice. The noble one.
I didn’t want this life for her. That’s why I’ve done everything in my power to make sure she stayed out of it. I acted selflessly, and all she sees is a man that walked away with little to no regard for what she went through.
Dominic and Bryant continue to push the limits, confessing details of our work that I never wanted her to know about. Things that should have come from my mouth, yet I kept it shut to ensure her safety.
They’ve touched her. Been intimate with her.
Shared things with her that I never did because she was too damn innocent and I wanted to maintain that purity.
They are two of the most ruthless, brutal men I know, and they share a bed with the only woman who I’ve ever given my heart to.
I don’t doubt that they will fight for her, but how much danger will they bring?
It fucking kills me that she looks at them with more adoration than she does with me. Those same eyes I stared into countless nights under the stars, making up stories of the future together. Hatred lines her gaze when she settles her sights on me. Disgust. Resentment.
And I don’t blame her for a single fucking second. I broke her heart. I caused her pain.
How am I supposed to sit across the dinner table from her and pretend I love her any less than the day I was forced away from her? Live with her and not want to take her into my arms and hold on tight and never let her go. Beg for her forgiveness and promise I’ll never do it again.
I want to feel her kiss against my lips and forget all the time that has passed between us—pick up where we left off, daydreaming of a time when we would run away from it all. Me and her.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve laid my sights on a short girl with jet-black hair and my heart dropped, thinking it was her. Every fucking instance, a reminder that I would never, could never, let her go. She was a part of me. And I would carry that with me no matter how much it hurt.