Chapter 35 Delilah
THIRTY-FIVE
Delilah
I wake up abruptly, the sun dancing over my cheeks as the skylight above douses us in a warm glow.
I’m sandwiched between Nash and Tae, who are sleeping soundly.
A small smile tugs at my lips as last night’s memories come flooding back—the laughter of my friends, our games, and the dull, satisfied ache between my legs that serves as a delicious reminder of how I spent my first night in the nest.
Last night was perfect. Life with a pack is everything I ever wanted, everything I imagined finding my scent matches would entail. If every night to come is even half as good as last night, I’ll be a very happy woman.
I sit up and scan the room, expecting to see Jagger at the base of the bed where I last saw him, but the space is empty. I frown, sliding off the bed as quietly as possible.
I pad over to the bathroom, my pulse jumping as I poke my head around the door. Empty. A familiar, creeping panic begins to rise in my chest. I grab my cell phone from the dresser then step out of the nest, leaving the safety of that room behind.
I scan my texts, the wooden floorboards freezing under my bare soles. Only messages from the Stellas.
“Jagger?” I call out into the dim hallway.
When my own voice echoes back to me, dread forms a vice around my lungs as a familiar feeling of déjà vu creeps in. I move frantically, driven only by instinct and not caring about privacy as I throw open every door on the floor. Still, I find nothing. Where is he?
“Jagger!” I shout as I thud down the stairs.
I hurtle through the ground floor, moving from room to room as the walls feel like they’re closing in. I can’t smell him. It’s as if a black hole has opened up and sucked his presence away with it. There’s no note, nothing but cold ash sitting in the fireplace from the night before.
Where is he?
Why isn’t he here?
Flashbacks rattle through me, hitting me like physical blows.
All of the pain I experienced a year ago returns, a palpable, visceral reminder of how horrific it felt when I realized that he had truly left.
The utter devastation I suffered after giving myself to someone completely, only to have him vanish.
He promised he’d never leave again. My pulse thrashes in my ears as my mind fights to find a rational explanation, trying to ignore the nagging inner voice—the insecure one that I thought I’d started to shake—that whispers, “What if he’s gone for good this time?”
I grip the sofa arm, my knees trembling. I can’t do this again. I squeeze my eyes shut, struggling to gulp in oxygen, but it feels like my throat has closed. Stars dance across my vision, and a clammy sweat coats my skin as I fight to remain upright.
“Delilah.” I gasp at Nash’s firm grip on my shoulders. He’s only wearing sweatpants, his forehead crinkled in concern as he stoops to look into my eyes. “I need you to focus on me.”
Strangled bursts of air escape my lips as uncontrollable tears stream down my cheeks.
“Sit down.” Nash steers me onto the sofa then drops to his knees in front of me. He puts his steadying hands on my shoulders again. “You’re going to copy me. Breathe as I do.”
But I can’t… It’s too hard.
That crushing feeling is taking over, bile rising in my throat, when suddenly, Nash unleashes a deep rumbling noise from the back of his throat.
I’ve never heard anything like it; the only thing I can compare it to is the sound of rolling thunder.
Whatever it is, the sound seems to seep into my bones, yanking me out of my mental spiral long enough to focus on him.
“Delilah.” Nash’s voice is firmer now. “Listen to my voice, not your thoughts. Just me.”
My blurry vision zeroes in on his face, taking in all the details—his stubbled jaw, the kindness in his blue eyes, the heat radiating from his palms.
“Better.” He nods slowly. “Now in… and out.”
I copy him, pulling air into my lungs.
“Hold it. Then let it go. That’s it.”
With each exhale, a little piece of my anxiety dissipates. We keep going, repeating the cycle until my breathing regulates some.
“You’re doing a great job.” He squeezes my knees. “Keep going. In... and out. That’s better.”
Nash’s calming tone tethers me to reality, giving me something to cling onto amidst the chaos of my emotions.
Gradually, my panic lessens. The uncomfortable unease still lingers, but I don’t feel like I’m about to pass out anymore.
“How are you feeling now?”
“B-better,” I manage to whisper. “What was that thing you did? The rumbling thing?”
“It’s…” He looks embarrassed, rubbing his neck. “It’s a… bit like an alpha bark. A low frequency sound that’s supposed to help calm omegas. It just… came out.”
“It saved me.” I pat his muscular bicep and lean in to snuggle into his chest. “I don’t know what happened. I was looking for Jagger, and…” My breath hitches.
“It’s okay.” Nash wraps his arm around me in a protective embrace. “He went into town to grab breakfast for us. He’ll be home any minute. He’s coming back. I promise.”
Breakfast. Of course. Why the hell didn’t I think of that?
“Shit.” I scrub my face with my hands, rubbing my tears away. “I feel like such an idiot.” I can’t look at him, so I concentrate on my wringing hands. “I haven’t had a full panic attack like that since…” I swallow hard, trying to banish the memory of Jagger leaving Grand Point Lodge.
“You’re not an idiot.” He cups my cheek. “Being parted from your scent match can be deeply traumatic, even when you’re unbonded. It’s natural that your body responded that way when you perceived a threat.”
“How did you know how to talk me through it?” I ask. “You knew exactly what to do.”
Nash avoids my gaze now, his shoulders sagging. “You’re not the only one who was left behind when someone they loved left.”
His scent quickly changes, his usually sweet marshmallow and crackling fire turning into a smoky blend of burnt wood.
“Robbie…” I raise my hand to his face, stroking his cheekbone. “I’m so sorry.”
“The years after it happened were tough.” He puts his huge hand over mine, a deep sadness turning down his brows as he attempts a small smile. “Whenever I saw something that reminded me of him, I… struggled to control my emotions.”
“Oh, Nash.” I can see his anguish. “I’m so, so sorry.”
“It used to be the smallest things that set me off. Seeing his shoes in the hall. His favorite TV show coming on. Walking past the girl he used to crush on. Sometimes the panic attacks were so bad that I’d be afraid to leave the house in case something set me off.
” He lets out a deep sigh, like he’s been holding onto it for years as he rises to take a seat on the sofa.
“But slowly, with time and practice, I learned how to handle my emotions. Eventually, the panic attacks stopped completely.” He runs a hand over his head.
“And I came to the realization that although there was nothing else I could do for Robbie, I would do everything within my power to keep those I love safe.”
I go to him, snuggling into his warm chest.
“And you do such a good job of it.” I gaze up into his mesmerizing, Caribbean Sea eyes as his scent returns to normal. “You look out for everyone.”
“If you ever feel the panic setting in again,” he runs a hand through my hair, “come find me. I’ve got you.”
In the hallway, I hear the front door click shut.
Seconds later, Jagger strolls into the room, an enormous brown bag in his arms and boxes from Springflour Bakery.
He takes one look at my tear-streaked face and drops the bag, food rolling across the floor as he races over and drops down in front of me.
“Delilah?” His tone borders on hysteria. “Are you okay? What happened?”
“I’m fine.” I sniffle. “I just had a… moment. I thought that you left.”
“I’m never leaving you again, rainbow.” Jagger cradles my face in his palms, his eyes darting around my face. “Ever.”
“I… I believe you,” I say, although my voice shakes. “But my body… It just reacted when I thought you were gone.”
“What more can I do?” Jagger’s anguish hasn’t subsided, his eyes wet. “If you want me to bond with you right now to prove how committed I am, I will.”
I almost choke on air, his proclamation catching me off guard.
“Easy tiger,” Nash says. “We haven’t even discussed bonding yet.”
“All I meant to say is that I’m not afraid of commitment,” Jagger tells me. “You’re my forever. Once we bond—if we bond—you’ll never have any more doubts that I’m all in.”
“Thank you,” I murmur, touched by his sincerity. “But if we do, I don’t want it to be because of a panic attack. I always imagined bonding to be a happy and romantic moment, not one where my eyes are all puffy.”
Jagger leans in to kiss a runaway tear from my cheek. “I love you, Delilah.”
I straighten up and laugh nervously, gesturing at the mess strewn over the floor. “We should probably tidy up before someone—”
As if on cue, Tae bounds into the room, looking like he’s still half asleep as he steps straight into a puddle of spilled yogurt.
“Whoa…” He skids, arms flailing around like he’s riding a wave, leaving a white trail on the wood before he comes to a stop.
“Man!” He lifts up his foot to sniff it. “Mm, peach. What’d I miss?”
“There was just a misunderstanding,” I reply, not wanting to rehash it all over again.
“After breakfast, maybe you’d like to see my workshop?” Nash suggests. “There are a few things I’d like to show you.”
“You’ll let Delilah into your workshop?” Tae gapes at him, holding up his soggy sock. “You never let me in there.”
“You’re not his scent match,” Jagger points out.
“And because I don’t trust you around heavy machinery,” Nash mutters.
“Look, that chainsaw incident happened just one time.” Tae pouts, hands on his hips. “I skateboard, remember? I’m coordinated.”
“And how many times have I driven you to the E.R. after a skating accident?” Nash counters.
Tae grumbles under his breath, but Nash’s point is clearly made.
“Do you need a few more minutes?” Nash clasps my shoulder as Jagger and Tae begin tidying up.
“I’ll be fine.” I smile, grateful for his thoughtfulness. “And I’d love to see your workshop.”
Crinkles form at the side of his mouth as he smiles. We haven’t really had a chance to have any real alone time yet, and after this morning, I can tell there’s a lot more hiding under his gruff exterior that I’ve yet to discover.
“I’ll meet you there.” He tilts his head toward the door. “After you’ve eaten.”
“Aren’t you joining us?” I frown. “You need to eat too.”
“I’ll eat later.” Nash waves a hand. “I’ve got a few things to get ready first.”
After Nash drops a sweet kiss onto my forehead, I join the guys in the kitchen, finding Tae and Jagger bickering over cereal bowls.
“You know you didn’t have to bring the entire contents of Springflour Bakery—” I scold Jagger.
“Delilah’s,” Tae corrects me.
I roll my eyes. “You don’t have to buy out Delilah’s for breakfast every morning, Jagger.”
“From what the Stellas said, you’re always cooking for them.” Jagger pulls out a chair at the table for me. “Now it’s our turn to take care of you.”
“Next time maybe I can make something for you?” I suggest.
Tae smacks his lips. “Sabs said your cheesecake is the best thing she’s ever tasted.”
“Like I just said, it’s your turn to be taken care of for a change” Jagger’s knees bump mine as he turns in the stool next to me. “Plus, I want to look after you.”
“Food is how I show I care,” I try to explain. “It’s my way to unwind. Just like music is for you.”
He nods slowly in understanding. “Maybe some pancakes next time, then? They’re my favorite.”
“I can definitely do that.” I grab a croissant and grin, relief loosening my tense shoulders. “And I’ll need to learn all of your favorite foods.”
He beams, contentment sweeping through me. “We can’t wait.”