Chapter 39 Jagger
THIRTY-NINE
Jagger
I gulp in the fresh air, battling to slow my breathing.
Rationally, I know this is a good thing.
If Nash and Delilah are bonded, she’s now a recognized member of our pack in the eyes of the law.
Which also means that no other alphas can take her from us.
But my territorial insides are in turmoil, overcome with bitterness at the fact she’s bonded to him and not me.
I know I should be grateful that she’s given me another chance—hell, I don’t have the right to expect any more than that—but it still feels like a punch to the gut.
“Jagger?” Delilah’s soft voice floats toward me over the warm breeze. “Can we talk?”
“You shouldn’t be this far away from Nash. Not right after bonding.” I keep my back turned. “Go back inside.”
Newly bonded mates need to stay close to each other until they’re through the bonding adjustment period.
Being beyond touching distance of each other can cause them both physical and mental pain that only the other can settle until their bodies become accustomed to the bond and they enter the bond adaptation phase.
“I’m okay.” A twig snaps as she gets closer, her sweet scent piercing my nostrils. Her scent smells even richer, so heavy with crisp alphas and silky cream that I can taste it on my tongue. “Are you?”
Her small hand on my forearm sears my skin like a brand.
“I’m fine,” I mutter. “Congratulations. I’m happy for you both.” Even to myself, the words sound hollow, making me feel like an asshole.
“You don’t sound happy,” she replies, seeing straight through my bullshit.
She’s always been able to see the real me, but right now, I wish I could hide from her. I don’t want her to see my ugly insecurities rise to the surface while I wallow in my selfish jealousy. When I turn to face her, soaking in all of her natural beauty, I see the concern etched into her face.
“I’m just…” Desperate to sink my teeth into her and see my own mark on her skin, though I don’t say that. “Surprised.”
Especially after I offered to bond with her this morning, and she turned me down.
Rejection isn’t something I’m used to. For years, women have thrown themselves at me, people have begged to be my friends, and everyone in the industry has always kissed my ass, even when I’ve treated them like dirt.
Yet Delilah’s different. Not only am I the one chasing her, but she’s the only person who has ever truly held me accountable for my mistakes.
It’s another reason why I love her so much, but fuck. .. It still stings.
“I thought...” I look up at the trees creeping up the mountain in the distance. “That you wanted to wait before bonding.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I see her hand jump to her neck to stroke her new mark. Nash’s mark. A glaring reminder that I’m still not worthy of her. “It wasn’t planned, but it felt…” My chest aches even more, seeing the way she’s struggling not to smile. “Right.”
“As I said, I’m happy for you both.” My words sound wooden.
I’m being a jerk. Nash deserves this more than anyone, and I’m ruining their special moment.
My rational brain knows this, but I can’t find the right words to describe how I feel without sounding like a pathetic loser.
“I guess I thought I’d be your first because of our history. ”
Yep, that came out even worse than it sounded in my head.
She tilts her head to the side. “That’s why you’re upset?”
“I know I’m being immature.” I throw my hands up. “And I know you may never want to bond with me at all, but…” I sigh. “I need some time to process this. That’s all.”
“It’s not that I don’t want to bond with you.
” She places her hand on my chest, in the exact spot where her name is tattooed under my shirt.
“Please don’t think that.” She looks into my eyes.
“You’re my scent match, Jagger. You’ve said it yourself.
We’re destined, but bonding has to happen when it feels… right.”
“If I keep fucking things up, it may never feel right.” I laugh dryly. “Whatever I do just seems to make things worse. When I put the statement up earlier about quitting Pack Fire, I—”
“Wait!” She jerks her arm back, her eyebrows lowering. “What are you talking about?”
“It was supposed to be a surprise. I wanted to tell all of you together later.” I smile weakly.
“This morning, I went through some old contracts and found a loophole that’d get me out of the band for good.
” I flick my wrist casually, as if changing the course of my life is no biggie.
“The details don’t matter, but the main thing is, I can leave Pack Fire.
I already spoke to my lawyer and put out an official statement announcing that the band is splitting—”
“An official statement?” She takes a step back, her face crumpling and the softness in her features seeming to harden. “Leaving the band is a big deal, Jagger. A huge deal! It’s been your life for years.”
“I know.” So many years where I’ve been forced to produce crap that I haven’t been passionate about.
What started out great turned sour. As the years passed, the more disillusioned I became as I saw the truth about how brutal the industry can be.
“Yesterday really made me think about our future.” I haven’t been able to think of anything else.
Yesterday showed me that a new life could be possible.
A happy life with my pack. A life that doesn’t revolve around traveling from show to show.
A life where I can—we can—be normal. “I don’t want you to have to deal with—”
“This decision has nothing to do with me, Jagger,” Delilah cuts me off. “This is about you.”
“But—”
“No.” Her curls dance as she wildly shakes her head. “I thought you were finally starting to get it.”
“I…” Fuck. My heart sinks. I’ve screwed up. Again. “I…”
The back door flies open, and Tae appears, waving my ringing cell phone over his head. “Sorry to interrupt, but I’m pretty sure Val is going to spontaneously combust if she doesn’t speak to you soon.” His nose wrinkles. “She’s been calling nonstop, same with Brad and Drew.”
Behind Tae, Nash crosses his arms, obviously sensing Delilah’s emotions through their bond.
“Do you two know?” Delilah asks them. “About Jagger leaving the band?”
“Valerie just told me,” Tae says in response.
With disappointment radiating from every pore of Nash’s body, I feel even shittier. He shakes his head. “You should have spoken to us, Jagger.”
“I thought you’d all be happy about it, especially you.” I point at Nash. “You hate Val and the rest of the band. I thought this is what you wanted!”
“We’re happy if you’re happy.” Tae holds his hands up, but there’s an underlying hurt to his voice. Tae is like an overexcitable puppy most of the time, so seeing him upset kills me. “But I thought you’d tell us before you announced it to the rest of the world.”
“I was going to—”
“This is your problem, Jagger.” Delilah jabs me in the chest with a pointed finger.
“You make decisions on your own that affect everyone. We’re supposed to be a team.
A pack. A family! Families talk to each other.
You keep doing things because you think you’re protecting me—protecting us—but it only pushes us further apart. ”
Her words slice at my heart. “All I want is to keep you safe,” I retort. “You don’t know what my world is like, Delilah. It’s toxic. It almost broke me!”
“You have to stop assuming you know what I can and can’t handle before you make life-changing decisions.” Her voice has a slight tremble. “Do you think that I’m that inept and weak after everything we’ve been through? You, more than anyone, should know what I’m capable of handling.”
“Delilah!” When she turns away, I grab her wrist to pull her back. Nash lets out a warning growl, the low vibration sprinting through me before I let her slip through my fingers. “I really thought I was doing the right thing.”
Delilah shakes her head. “Don’t you remember what happened the last time you made a choice on your own?”
“I won’t lose you again.” My voice is barely audible. “I can’t.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Jagger.” She closes her eyes, her nostrils flaring as she draws in a long inhale. “But I need you to let me be part of your world instead of trying to shield me from it. I need you to be real.”
“Real?” I laugh bitterly, shame racing to the surface. “You don’t want to see the real me, Delilah.”
“I’ve seen the real you—the guy who sang me lullabies, the guy at the bakery who wrote me a poem, the guy who wasn’t so afraid of losing me that he couldn’t be his true self.
That’s the alpha I want to bond with. Not the person who doesn’t communicate or someone who sees it as his job to protect me.
” Her lower lip trembles. “I just want you to see me as an equal.”
“You really think…” I blink hard. “That I don’t see you as an equal?”
I can’t believe this. That’s why her feelings are so hurt? Not because I’ve left the band, but because she thinks I don’t respect or trust her opinion? She couldn’t be any more wrong.
“Your actions have made that obvious.” She winces. “You didn’t even talk to me or your pack before putting out a statement.”
“Oh, Del…” I shake my head, smiling sadly. “You’re never going to be my equal.” I see Nash’s mouth morph into a snarl and his scent turns smokier, presumably feeling the full weight of Delilah’s pain through their new connection.
“You want me to be real, so I’ll be real.
” I clasp my hands behind my neck and tilt my face toward the sun, sucking in a deep breath.
“You’re always going to be way better than me.
Too good for me.” I stroke her soft cheek.
She doesn’t move, her sad eyes fixed on me.
“When I met you, I was broken. You woke up a part of me that I didn’t realize existed.
The part of me that made me feel again after years of being numb, and then I found my pack…
” I look over her shoulder at Tae and Nash.
“I never thought I’d find a place to call home, but I found a family who didn’t treat me any differently because of who I was.
” I drop my hand from her cheek and take her hand in mine.
“So no, I’ll never see you as an equal, rainbow.
To me, you’re far more than that. I’ll never be worthy of you.
I’m a mess. A total fuck-up. A man who will never be good enough for you. ”
“Well, you only fuck up sometimes,” I hear Tae comment in the background.
“My decision to leave Pack Fire wasn’t only to protect you from that life.
Sure, it was part of it, but having you back in my life gave me the courage to do what I’ve wanted to do for years,” I admit.
“I’ve felt trapped in the band, like a cog in a machine with no way out.
” I let the words I’ve kept locked inside for so long finally spill out.
Words I’ve always been too afraid to voice until now.
“I understand why you’re all mad that I didn’t speak to you about it.
I should have. But if I’m being really honest, I was afraid to say anything in case one of you said something that could’ve talked me out of it.
Aside from returning to SVU to find you, this is the first choice I’ve made that I’ve been truly certain of.
” I squeeze her hand. “I choose you. I choose us, and… I chose myself.”
The wrinkles in her forehead smooth out. “Oh, Jagger…”
“You wanted real, and this is me.” I sniffle, wiping my eyes with my sleeve.
“I’m a fucking mess.” I gesture down at myself.
“I don’t know who I am. Not really. How can I, after spending my life being someone else’s puppet?
There are only a few things that I know for sure.
I know that I don’t want to be producing art that kills my soul every time I get onstage with assholes like Brad and Drew. ”
“Hear, hear!” Tae punches the air.
“I know that I can’t keep pushing the people I love away…”
“About time,” Nash mutters.
“And I know that my love for you has been the only true constant that I’ve ever known, rainbow.
” I pull her in closer. “Leaving you behind and experiencing that heartbreak taught me how to feel again. That emotion—that love and pain—became my anchor, tethering me to a world built on lies. And then I got my miracle… You gave me another chance. Getting a second chance with you—and seeing you fall for my pack—is all I’ve ever wanted.
Nothing is more important to me than you and our family.
I know you don’t need my protection, but I’ll never stop wanting to protect and fight for what we have because it’s all I care about. And it’s all I have to offer.”
“You’ve got a lot to offer, Jagger.” Delilah’s eyes glisten. “But you still should have told us what you were planning to do.” The tension in my muscles dissipates. Although her words are stern, her voice doesn’t hold the same anger that it did moments before.
“I know. I guess I got so excited about starting our lives together that I acted without thinking.” I hang my head.
“Impulsive actions haven’t gotten me far up until this point, so I don’t know why I expected it to be any different this time.
And I’m sorry for ruining today.” I turn to Nash.
“If you want me to sleep somewhere else tonight, I’ll understand. ”
“This is your home, Jagger.” Nash’s response comes quickly. “You’re not going anywhere.”
“But your communication needs work,” Delilah points out, laughing shakily. “Serious work.”
“Noted.” I grin, relief seeping through me.
“Now can we all get back inside before Delilah catches a cold?” Nash growls.
“It’s not even cold!” she guffaws.
“But you have nothing on under that shirt, and I don’t want you standing out here when someone else could catch your scent on the breeze.”
“There’s no one else around for miles.” She puts her hands on her hips. “But I probably need to head back to Stella House to grab some things. I can’t live in your clothes forever.”
“I don’t see why not.” Nash pouts then sighs. “But fine, I’ll take you. This is already about as far as I can stay away from you right now.”
“Don’t be too long.” Tae voices my own thoughts out loud.
The more time I spend with Delilah, the stronger the urge to never let her go.