Chapter 19 Savannah
SAVANNAH
The sun streams through the large windows of Julian’s kitchen.
Twirling my yogurt in my bowl, I lean against the counter in my tank and pajama shorts.
I hear Julian down the hall, deep in a business conversation.
I’ve gotten used to this over the last few weeks.
A few nights a week, my evenings and mornings are here, unless he’s away on a business trip or at a business dinner.
He has thought of a million excuses why I should join him on every trip, but I laugh off every justification he gives. Sometimes space is needed.
I’m overwhelmed with us, to be honest.
Smart me would take a moment to assess and breathe, remind myself that I shouldn’t get attached.
The other part of me is riding this wave because I sense things changing between us, in Julian.
I’m in an intuitive state to hold on. Everything inside of me screams to do so.
I’m reminded too often that I’m now almost elated, when a month ago, he had me fuming in misery some days.
Routine has found us, and it’s the little things that make me nibble on my bottom lip, because I love the view, and it reminds me of everything that is right in life.
Exhibit A would be him approaching the kitchen with the phone to his ear, his eyes landing on me with an intensity that displays possession. Something about seeing Julian casual at home, his white shirt still untucked, yet his face already shaded to a man who takes no prisoners.
Sucking the remaining yogurt off my spoon, I watch him.
He’s wrapping up his conversation and grabs a coffee cup for his machine, which I still haven’t figured out how to work, so, to his dismay, I brought over a classic filter-drip coffee machine that I picked up on sale. He hates it. And I love that.
He gives a firm deadline to whoever is on the phone before hanging up, without even a goodbye.
“Making someone’s day miserable, and it isn’t even 7?”
“No. It’s not 7… they’re in Belgium. Their day is almost over.” He smirks to himself because he’s being a smart-ass and continues to make his cup of coffee. He glances to the side at my coffee machine. “Get rid of it,” he demands without even looking at me.
Spinning on my feet, I place the bowl in the sink. “Nope.”
“Subpar coffee doesn’t belong in my home,” he reminds me.
I walk behind him and rub his back. “Get a machine that doesn’t require reading an entire novel to understand.”
He presses a button. “You have a master's degree. You figured out the machine at the office. You’re a smart cookie.”
Turning around, he faces me and yanks me close. “We’re going together to the office?”
I shake my head. “Nope. My boss has a breakfast meeting at 8:30 sharp at that place on Michigan Avenue. I shall be grabbing the L.”
“Over your boss’s dead body. Your boss will have a driver take you.”
Truthfully, as independent as I am, there is something about someone taking care of me with an air of security. “Fine. Anyhow, I need to go shower. It’s safe since you’re already dressed.”
“I mean, I could probably stretch the schedule to take them off and join you.” I ensure that my face is unreadable while I bat my lashes, and he stunts a laugh. “Message received.”
“I want to be dressed in a normal amount of time.”
“Fair enough.” He lets me escape his hold. “There is one thing that I’ve kind of been wanting to run by you.”
I’m curious enough to ignore the time on the clock. “Make it quick.”
“We can’t be a secret forever, you know that, right?”
“Yes.”
This conversation was bound to happen, but I always assumed that I would be the one to bring it up. Him bringing this up causes a shallow feeling in my stomach from fear. Is this the end?
Julian tilts his head slightly to the side. He’s trying to sense my thoughts. “Don’t you think that time is coming sooner rather than later?”
“Yes.”
He rolls his eyes humorously. “Going to keep saying yes in this convo?”
Julian's buoyancy is a good sign, and my body eases.
“Now I might only say yes if it annoys you.”
He begins to undo one button of his shirt. “Do that, and there will be consequences.”
Taking a few steps, I return to him and replace his fingers with my own, except I button him right back up. “Not everything is solved with sex, you know.”
“Exactly.” His hands hold mine in place. “I’m trying to have a normal conversation with you.”
“Miracle of all miracles,” I convey with a straight face. It’s easy to rile him. His controlled expression says he doesn’t appreciate my tactic, and I turn serious. “You’re right, and yes, it has crossed my mind.”
“A timeline?”
“Oh.” I search for an opinion in my head, but the question of why he’s invested in having this conversation now takes over. “That’s specific.”
He holds my gaze. “I think somewhere during the night, it filled my mind. I can’t hide you forever, and I’m well aware that if we were ever to be in the open, well… there will be a little scrutiny.”
“You mean that I’m your assistant or that people will assume that I’m a gold-digger? There are so many options.”
That comment makes his jaw tick and his eyes turn stormy. “I’m not talking about that. Well, I mean, I know the assistant thing will come up. It’s more, the media is interested in my dating life.”
“Could have fooled me,” I mutter, one-toned.
“You’re being a bit sassy today.”
I exhale an audible breath. “What am I supposed to say? It feels like the external pressure is causing you to confront a choice. Plus, it’s not you who will be under the magnifying glass. It’s me. Who knows what awkward photo they’ll dig up?”
His smirk is cocky. “Hopefully, one of you as Miss Everhope.”
Now I’m the one who doesn’t appreciate his antics. “I’m saying it’s different for you than me, and quite frankly, this conversation is coming out of left field.”
He scratches the back of his head. “Right.”
Shaking my head lightly, I rub my face with my hands because he’s being the way I know him best, stubborn and closed off. “Julian, just say it,” I encourage.
He combs his hand through the hair on my right side, and I turn his hand into a pillow. “It’s poking me inside. Hiding us, I mean. It doesn’t make sense to do that anymore.”
My head leaves his hold, and he slides his hands down the curve of my sides as though he can persuade me to agree to anything with his mere touch.
I sigh. “Out in the open isn’t a small deal.
It means something.” It feels like I just slapped him in the face because he seems to be offended.
Although true, I shouldn’t be scared right now, and I grin because I said it all wrong.
“I didn’t mean it to sound like that. It’s not casual.
It’s another step. And if you’re comfortable with it, then…
” I want to be honest with myself. “I’m only human.
I can’t ignore how I feel. It threatens to unravel my career that I’m still figuring out. ”
“Let me fix it. I will find a way. I want to consider all aspects. Explore options.”
“I’m not a stock option for your portfolio,” I rebuff. Sighing, I’m a little exhausted with his insistence that he can solve everything. Life isn’t always solved through money and human chess pieces. “It’s pointless for me to say anything. You already have your mind set.”
“You know me so well.” He flashes his eyes at me.
“Julian, I have nothing to hide about the way I’m beginning to feel about you. It can’t be one-sided, though. I’m hoping you're suggesting this means it’s not.”
It’s an almost whimsical smile and poise that causes me to believe that he doesn’t doubt his suggestion. “I can’t predict the future a year or two from now. I’m still a risk. Right now, however, there is a step that I think I want to explore.”
My lips press, and I search inside myself for any hesitation, but it can’t be found.
“Obviously, if there was a way for us” —I point between him and me— “to not be so secretive and for my career not to sink completely, I want to hear it. Plus, gotta make the women in finance jealous.” I try to bury my truth in humor because what I want is so strong that it scares me.
Him. I want him. And he wants me, he’s chosen me.
“For someone who usually doesn’t hold back, today you are,” he muses.
I’ve been called out because he now sees me inside and out. Maybe not every nook, but most.
I hoist myself up to sit on the counter behind me. “Trust me, even I’m surprised how you have me in a chokehold that causes me to malfunction.”
Now his finger glides along my bare thigh. “Baby, this isn’t a chokehold. I can show you what one really is.” His one-track mind, of course. I cast my eyes to the ceiling, unamused, but I can’t help my smile. “But I’m very proud that I get the honor of turning your world upside down.”
“Gotta feed your arrogance, obviously,” I say, sarcastic.
“Alright. Back to the original question.”
We both turn serious because we’ve reached a point between us. One that is moving, and I’m beginning to wonder if slow is in his vocabulary. My ability to think with caution left me the moment I stepped through his door and faced his smug face.
“Secrets only tear things apart. Us being hidden from the world is one of them. I don’t want that to happen.” I accidentally release my thought aloud, and my mouth parts open from the realization.
It doesn’t deter Julian. “Which means?” He’s coaxing me into my answer.
My body relaxes, and a ridiculous smile forms. “You’re right.”