35. Ayna
Ayna
At the dinner table a few hours later, none of us is showing great appetite. Recienne has briefed Clio and Tori about Tata’s news while Myron took it upon himself to inform Kaira, Herinor, and Royad. Silas already knows everything firsthand, so he helped fill everyone in while I went back to my room, not to wallow, this time, but to stare into the mirror for the better part of an hour while I tried to decide if I can make it through a conversation with Myron without hurting either of us.
Now that everyone is seated around the long oak table in Recienne’s dining room, I still don’t have an answer. So, I’m leaving my odds up to fate, chewing on my food while Myron inserts his thoughts here and there into Tori’s commentary of how to best proceed.
“There is no question we need to stop the weapons delivery,” the general drives home his point. “Waiting and seeing will get us killed faster than we can spell our own names backward.”
“That’s a fairly long time,” Clio notes, and I faintly remember their full names are obnoxiously extensive. No one laughs at her comment, not even Silas, who usually would let his dark humor get the best of him at any chance.
Tori is right. “If we allow the delivery to arrive, we’ll lose our advantage,” I throw in, pondering the merits of fighting with my new abilities compared to my mere human strength. The Crow senses and powers are an immense upgrade to my ability to survive. I can match Clio’s and even Silas’s strength because of them, even when I need to put in my all to defeat them in training. I was able to hold my own against the Flames—until they put me on my stomach and pushed a torch into my mate mark. Gritting my teeth, I allow the resentment and anger to flush through my veins, sitting out the wave of emotions as I wait for them to make way for the awkward emptiness that comes with the after-effects of what they tried to do to me.
No matter what they do, you ’ ll always be there, inside my heart . I don ’ t need a mate mark to tell me I ’ m yours . Myron’s words echo through my mind. And I ’ m ready to wait for all eternity for you to remember you ’ re mine, too .
From the corner of my eye, I glance at Myron as he chews on his food. The signs of exhaustion are more prominent, as if he exerted himself since we spoke this afternoon, and I notice the slight tremble in his hand as he spears a bite of fish and leads it to his mouth.
A part of me withers, seeing him like this, while the other part is ready to take his fingers in mine to steady them. The thought feels natural enough not to make me question what it means—if things are improving inside my messed up self. I don’t want to do this to him. I don’t want to do it to us, un-mating symptoms or no.
Closing my eyes, I reach deep into the darkness inside my chest to search for the fragile thread I know lies buried beneath pain and insecurity, and find a thin glimmer of light.
For three quiet breaths, I hold onto it, wondering how long it will take for the bond to grow thick and strong again. When I open my eyes, Myron’s gaze is lingering on my face, hand steady mid-air, fork halfway to his mouth.
Someone clears their throat, and I’m back in the conversation that has been carrying on without us.
“We don’t know nearly enough about the delivery, and Tata doesn’t know where exactly the army is gathering, does she?” Herinor wants to know. He’s been mainly listening, studying the dynamics at the table with a stony expression on his scarred face.
Next to me, Kaira is plucking on her slice of rye bread, nibbling on little pieces but not making much progress. My own plate is half full with steamed vegetables and a delicious type of fish I haven’t eaten before, even after spending so many years on a ship.
“ Where does the fish come from?” I try my luck, prompting Tori in my head. While I’ve been dealing with the un-mating troubles and wondering if things will ever go back to normal, I’ve made it a daily routine to practice my mind-reading, projecting, and shielding skills.
The surprise makes me choke on a piece of said fish, though when Tori lifts his head as if I addressed him with my normal voice.
“ I ’ ve never eaten anything like it,” I let him know with as much of a victorious grin as the situation would allow.
Tori subtly inclines his head. “ So, you ’ ve decided fish is a good topic to converse about in our minds? How about ‘ Why the fuck haven ’ t you put your mate out of his misery ’ ?” His expression is blank as he adds, “ Thanks for practicing that shield, though. It ’ s a relief not to hear you acknowledge the abs of every last male in this palace.”
“ Hey, I haven ’ t been—” I stop right there. Because it’s true.
I haven’t been ogling anyone since the conversation with Myron in the arena. “ Perhaps Silas was right, and things are getting back to normal.” I try to keep the relief out of my tone—and the hope.
“ We ’ re at war. There ’ s nothing normal about the situation, with or without your mating hiccups.” The softness in his eyes tells me he doesn’t mean to hurt me as he puts my problems into perspective, and he’s right. Guardians, is he right.
“ I ’ m sorry. ”
“ For what?” An auburn brow rises on his forehead as he plops a bite of fish into his mouth.
I try not to turn crimson as I admit, “ For checking out your abs…”
He stops chewing, grins, continues chewing. “ You only checked out my ass, my dear. And that ’ s all right. Everyone does it.” Winking at me, he takes Clio’s hand, placing a kiss on the back of her palm, much to the protest of the female who’s trying to get a bite of vegetable onto her fork.
“What was that for?” she demands, earning Tori’s amused chuckle and a confused glance from the rest of the table.
Tori merely shakes his head. “So, the weapons... We don’t know when they will be arriving, or where. We only know they are on their way.”
“A gathering army can’t be that hard to spot from the air,” Herinor throws in. “If we can find them, we can intercept the wagons before they reach their destination.”
Recienne nods his agreement. “Better than site-hopping through the realm for sure. More efficient. The four of you can easily cover the Plithian Plains in a day or two.”
“Five,” I correct.
All eyes turn to me as I gather my resolve. “I’m a Crow, too. I can shift and fly.”
The blend of pride and fear in Myron’s expression sends a tingle down my spine, and I can sense the numbness in my shoulder ease just enough to remember the wound is still there. There, but gradually shrinking.
The gleam in Myron’s gaze as he studies me from his seat next to me tells me he felt it, too.
I’m not done, though. Yes, I’m ready to try my luck and shift again so I can help, but the Crows aren’t the only valuable assets in this unavoidable mission.
“We need to deliver a message to Andraya and Pouly,” I tell Clio .
Kaira understands first, dipping her chin as she nods her agreement.
“The rebels have a network of spies. If anyone can find out when exactly the transport is to happen, it’s them.”
Clio leaves the same night, a piece of paper clutched in one hand, a bundle of fruit cake in the other. “They might take the news better if I deliver them with sweets,” she says with a shrug before disappearing into thin air.
“Just like she does with me.” Tori shakes his head.
When I give him a questioning glance, he explains, “When she decided to fake her own death and go into hiding, she told me over chocolate cake.”
I need to do a double-take. “What?” I knew the history of their relationship was difficult, but—“What did she do?”
Tori drops back into the armchair he was getting up from, obviously settling in for a night of storytelling. The others retired to their rooms, leaving the common room to Tori and me when we prepared the note for the rebels. Clio joined us shortly after we crafted the short letter, a heavy bundle in her hand, and informed us that the kitchen had planned fruit cake for dessert. None of us wanted any sweets after we decided we had work to do.
Now, Clio is on her way to Andraya and Pouly. Since Tori was the one who dropped them off he shared the location of the rebel’s hideout with us so we know how to find them. The Crows are resting so they’ll be fresh and ready to set out first thing tomorrow morning, and Kaira decided she might as well do the same since she’s dead set on taking on my training lessons during Clio’s absence.
That leaves Tori and me and the loaded silence.
“Clio and I were going to marry when she was announced the next bride to the Crow King .” He grimaces. “Before you ask, that was during Carius the Cruel’s time, not Myron’s.”
“I wasn’t going to ask.” It’s the truth.
Tori smiles softly. “I know. I just want to spare you doubts. You have it difficult enough as it is.”
The consideration and kindness from this male has surprised me many times, but it’s this moment when I realize how deeply he understands the suffering Myron and I are going through.
“To escape her fate, Clio faked her own death and went into hiding for long, long decades. That was the time when she rejected me as a mate, even when we’d been ready to start our lives together.”
My heart breaks for him, the pain in his eyes chiseling a spiderweb of fissures.
“She firmly believed it was better for me to find someone else since I could never be with her the way we’d planned. We didn’t know how long she’d need to stay hidden, believed perhaps it would be forever. She thought she was saving me by setting me free when, in reality, she was breaking me. I’d have stayed hidden with her until the end of our days had she asked me to, had she said one single word.” He lowers his head, shoulders hunching like the weight of centuries is pressing down on him. “All she ever said was that she wanted me to be free to live my life and be happy.”
The look he gives me is enough to bring the toughest warrior to their knees, and I need to sit down in the chair across from him.
“She told me to find another female and start a new life so one of us could be happy.” A tear drips from his lashes, staining the dark brown of his pants right at the top of his thigh. “I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t abandon her. So, I stayed with her in my heart, holding onto the bond she was hoping would one day dissolve if she convinced both of us enough that we didn’t want it anymore. I clung to it with every fiber of my being; with every breath and every heartbeat, I held onto her. I’d never give up my mate. Never in a million lifetimes.”
The words rush from him like a confession, like he’s embarrassed to have disappointed her when she’d made up her mind. His shoulders shake in a quiet sob, and he takes a breath so deep I believe he might use up all the air left in the room.
“Don’t let Myron slip away, Ayna. He’s holding on to you the way I was holding on to Cliophera. If you don’t find a way, you will be the end of him.”
He means it with all his heart as he locks his wet eyes with mine. “Don’t let anyone take away your chance at happiness.”
Fighting for breath, I stare back at him, at the strong male crumbling at the mere memory of what they’ve gone through. But there is joy in the depths of his auburn irises. They had a happy ending .
“How did you win her back?”
Perhaps I shouldn’t have asked, perhaps there is more pain he doesn’t want to remember, but I need to know.
Tori closes his eyes, speaking to me in his mind, “ A human came along and turned Askarea upside down. The rest is history. Now, go get some sleep. Myron said he ’ d help you shift tomorrow so you can come on the scouting trip.”