Chapter 21
SYDNEY
“I’m tired of this, grandpa,” I mumble into the fluffy pillow.
There’s a low chuckle on the other side of the room. “That’s too damn bad. You keep digging.”
“The only thing I want to dig right now is a cozy nest of blankets and pillows that I can burrow into and sleep for at least a week.”
“You love the chaos though.” I can hear the smirk in his voice.
I roll onto my side and prop my head on my palm. Lawson sits at the table in his hotel suite, devouring the slice of cheesecake I brought him after a late filming with Blake and Ryder.
“Are you sure it’s okay I’m here? I don’t want to get you in trouble or mess with any of your pre-race rituals or anything.”
He glances up, fork hanging out of his mouth. “This isn’t a field trip we’re on where I’ll get in trouble for having a girl in my room. I’m a grown man.”
I giggle. “Fine, fair point. But what about your routine?”
He chuckles. “If you weren’t here, I’d be laying in bed, playing my daily sudoku puzzle while tapes of my previous races at this track play in the background. Trust me, I’d much rather be doing this.”
“What? Talking to me or eating the cheesecake?”
He hesitates before smirking around another bite. “Both.”
“But definitely the cheesecake.”
He licks the fork clean and stands, throwing away the now empty container. “That’s just a bonus and it’s so worth the extra cardio in the gym.”
My laugh is cut off when my phone buzzes. Unlocking the screen, I navigate to the new email in my inbox. My body coils tight as I read over the message.
“Hey, what’s wrong?”
I look up at his imposing figure on the other side of the room, like he’s ready to go to war for me without even knowing what he’s up against.
I hold out my phone for him. “I just got an email from Jack. He says that the proceedings are set for mid next week and he got the court to sign off on letting me speak over video call since my job requires me to travel.”
The bed shifts as he sits down next to me and takes my phone. His dark eyes roll over the screen and his jaw ticks. I collapse back on to the bed and close my eyes. A multitude of emotions battles inside my chest and head.
Fear of possibly seeing my attacker again.
Nervous that he will get away with what he did to me.
Resentful for having to go through all this in the first place.
Panic at the thought of having to relive that moment.
Rattled because I’ve been so wrapped up in preseason and everything leading up to the first big race that the impending court date slipped my mind. How could I have forgotten?
Gentle fingers run up the side of my arm and I blink open my eyes. “What do you need?”
You. I think immediately, but keep it inside. “I don’t know.”
“Do you want me to be with you for the call?”
“You’d do that?”
“Yeah,” he whispers. “I’d do anything for you, Sydney. You’re not alone in this.”
“Okay. Yes, please. I’d feel a lot better if you were with me.”
He nods and tucks a stray curl behind my ear. Neither of us moves or makes a sound as we watch one another. Him, leaning back on one hand while the other twirls a strand of my hair around his finger. Me, laying only inches from him, on his bed.
I tuck my bottom lip between my teeth and his eyes drop to my mouth.
“We should probably talk.” His voice is low and full of gravel.
I nod, but don’t move.
Don’t think I could even if I wanted to with him looking at me like that.
It’s been three weeks since we first crossed a line I never thought we’d even toe at my brother’s wedding. Two weeks since we dared to venture over it again at preseason testing.
Every time we try to find the time to talk about it, something keeps us apart. This is the first time we’ve actually been alone together for more than ten minutes.
And while my nerves dance about what’s to come, I know we desperately need to figure out what is truly happening between us.
Is this fake anymore?
Is he wanting something just physical?
Does he want to stop this whole thing?
Did I do something wrong?
The worries are endless as my eyes dance between his dark assessing ones. I lick my lips and open my mouth at the same time he blows out a heavy breath.
“Syd—”
“I’m sor—”
We both pause and I roll my lips together as he chuckles. “You first.” He nods at me.
“Me first?”
“Always you first.”
“Okay,” I whisper. My hand idly finds its way to the hem of his T-shirt between us and I run the pads of my fingers over the soft fabric. “I just want to apologize if I’ve made you uncomfortable.”
His eyebrows furrow. “What?”
“I’m the one who initiated things at my brother’s wedding and then again in your changing room at preseason.”
“In case you have forgotten, I was more than a willing participant.”
“But you wouldn’t have had to compromise on the rules if I didn’t put you in that position.”
“Rules that we both agreed to but clearly want to break. Or at least one of them.” I bite my lip, sucking in a breath when he reaches up and pulls it from my teeth with his thumb. “I know you feel this too. This pull.”
I nod wordlessly and he shakes his head.
“Open communication, remember? I need your words, sweetheart. That’s one rule we won’t ever break.”
I swallow. “I do. I feel it.”
He hums. “This is a rule you set in place. That’s why I’ve let you take the reins on how far we go, but Sydney, I don’t know how much longer I can fight this.”
“What if I don’t want you to?”
“To what?”
“What if I don’t want you to hold back anymore? What if I want to amend the rule?”
His lips twitch. “And what would you change it to say?”
That you can use me however you want for however long you want.
That you own me, body and soul. To do with whatever you please.
That if this is the only way I’ll be able to have you, then I’ll give you every last bit of me.
I clear my throat. “What if we didn’t limit physical things to only when it’s necessary?”
“You have all the control, remember? I’m going to need you to say exactly what it is you want from me, sunshine.”
I want you. All of you.
“We said there wouldn’t be anyone else while we were doing this.” He nods and I lick my lips. “And we both are bound to have… needs.”
He chokes on an inhale and my cheeks flame. “Yeah.” He clears his throat and his jaw ticks. “But I don’t need to have any of that stuff, Sydney. I’m okay without it.”
Well, I don’t think I am. I don’t think I can be this close to you all the time and not feel like I’ll explode if your hands aren’t on me.
“You say you don’t need it, but do you want it?” I drop his heating gaze and twist my fingers in the hem of his shirt. “Do you want me?”
“Of course I want you,” he rushes out and my eyes snap back up to him. He swallows, like he’s holding something back.
“I want you too,” I confess.
A breath bursts out of him and he drops his forehead to mine. “Don’t say it if you don’t mean it. Please.” The last word is spoken on a broken whisper.
I raise my hands to either side of his face. “I want you.” I’ve always wanted you.
He rolls his forehead against mine as if he’s fighting himself from closing the miniscule distance between us. I don’t know when it happened, but at some point he laid down beside me, propped over me on an elbow. I wiggle under his hold, soaking in the heat of his body.
“What do we do now?” I ask quietly.
“That’s up to you, sunshine. What do you want us to do?”
“I don’t want to keep fighting this attraction, Lawson. I don’t think I can.”
“I know I can’t,” he murmurs. “I’ve tried, trust me.”
My eyebrows furrow. What? How long has he felt this way?
He chuckles and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “I can see the wheels spinning in that beautiful head of yours. What are you thinking?”
What am I not thinking?
Have you always been attracted to me?
Do you imagine me when you’re alone like I do with you?
Why haven’t you tried something sooner?
Why are we still laying here fully clothed?
No one pinch me. I don’t want to wake up from this dream where Lawson might finally be mine. Well… parts of him at least.
“I’m thinking that we are two adults who are attracted to each other.”
“Yes, that’s been established.”
“And we agreed there would be no other people during the length of this arrangement.”
He nods. “There’s never been and won’t be anyone else.”
“Okay. So, I’m thinking we can be that for each other.”
“Be what?”
“That someone else. We don’t know how long we are going to have to do this and we’ve already agreed that neither of us necessarily want to keep fighting this shared attraction—”
“Are you saying—”
“That I want to explore this part of our ‘relationship’? Yes. Yes I am.” He watches me, a flurry of emotions rolling over his handsome features. “I just…” My voice fades as embarrassment takes over.
“You what, sweetheart? Don’t hide from me now.”
I blow out a breath. “I’m not that experienced and I know you are. I mean I’ve seen the women throwing themselves at you over the years.”
“Syd—”
“I don’t want to disappoint you.”
His head jerks back. “Sydney, you could never disappoint me.”
“I just wanted you to know that before you agreed to this. I’m not confident, half the time I don’t know what to do with my hands—” I lift my arms in front of us and wiggle my fingers.
My nerves dim when he smirks, a soft chuckle vibrating through his chest into mine.
“I just know I want this. I want you. For however long this lasts.” Maybe even forever?
His eyes soften. He blows out a breath, studying me for a moment. My heart is in my throat as I wait for him to say something. Anything.
When I feel sufficiently suffocated by the lingering tense silence, I open my mouth to take back the whole thing. Except his softly whispered word stops everything, including my heart.
“Okay.”
“Really?”
“Yes. But this comes with its own set of rules, understood?”
“Yes, sir.”
His eyes spark and he shakes his head. “We do this for the length of our current arrangement.” I nod. “We keep communication open. If either of us are uncomfortable or want to stop at any time, then we speak up.”