Chapter 20 Nate
TWENTY
nate
Olivia: Then I guess I’m a lucky girl.
Okay, Nate. How the fuck are you going to respond to that?
Me: Working on it.
Oh, yeah. Nate, totally working hard at making her feel lucky, you sent her a shirtless selfie as you stroked your goddamn hard-on in a hotel room in another fucking country.
Olivia: Are we going there?
Me: Depends on where “there” is…
Olivia: You’re alone?
Me: Yes.
Olivia: Give me five minutes.
Five minutes later, her FaceTime call came in. I stared at the phone, almost dropped it, then hit the call button to accept.
“Nate—” she was breathless, and so fucking beautiful.
“Liv—” I heard the want in my voice, not something I could hide, not even sure I wanted to hide it.
She squeezed her eyes shut, and I watched her tongue flick out and wet her lips.
Up close, on my phone screen, when I wasn’t distracted by the rest of her, my eyes fell to her plump bottom lip. Fuck me.
“I like that, Nate. When you say my name, it does something to me. But then I remember how wrong it is.”
“What exactly is wrong with it?”
“Umm, brother’s teammate? You’re nineteen?”
“I’ll be 20 in a few weeks. And in case I’m missing something, I’m an adult.”
“I can see that—” her eyes darted down to my chest. “You’re going to send me straight to hell.”
“Heaven.”
“That’s not the right place for the filthy things you make me want to do with you.” Her throaty laugh sent a jolt straight to my dick. I tried to imagine what those things might be, but I wanted more with Olivia than a session of phone sex.
“What do you think about when you see me?”
“I tried not to notice, Nate. But you’re tough to ignore.”
“Is that a bad thing?” I asked. Yes, I had plenty of women who tried to get my attention because of baseball.
Some of them were probably attracted to me physically, and others wanted to hitch a ride for the financial benefits of dating a player.
If I hadn’t seen the damage Ashley had done to Austin, maybe I would have fallen for one or two of them.
“How many women have you had on the road?”
“Liv, is there a right or wrong answer to that question?”
She sighed. “No. There isn’t. I don’t think anyone should be ashamed of their body count—or whoever the fuck they do with their bodies. I’ve got no room to judge. But I’ve been feeling a little jealous at the thought of someone else putting their hands on you. There. I said it.”
“There’s no one, Liv.”
I heard her breath, shaky, right before she sucked in a long breath, and slowly let it back out. “I don’t do jealous.”
“Let me say it again. I saw you, and I’m fucking done, Liv.
You’re all I think about. I hit the fucking ball, and you know what I think?
I wonder whether you saw it—liked it—or if you care what the fuck I’m doing on that ball field.
And tonight I spent the last hour trying to come up with something witty to text you. ”
“And here I am, fantasizing about sucking you off—”
“Fuuuuuck, baby.” My dick woke the fuck up.
“You’re squirming, Nate. A bit of warning—I’m terrible with feelings. Some would say stilted? But I don’t have time to feel, to fall, because when the world inevitably falls apart, I don’t have the luxury of putting myself back together. I can’t take a day off.”
“What are you saying?” I heard the words she was speaking and hated both the meaning and the reason she felt they were necessary.
After growing up with my mother, watching her constant disappointments when my father failed—again.
I understood. In hindsight, I wish my mother had shielded me from that just a bit more; this was what Olivia was doing.
“I’m saying I want you, physically. But if we do that, you need to be able to compartmentalize it—just sex.”
Disappointment burned in my gut, but I quickly schooled my reaction so she wouldn’t see it on my face. “But we’re friends.”
“Yeah. And we’d continue to be friends—”
“Friends who fuck.”
“Secretly.” She clarified, and I struggled to hide my wince.
Could I be a secret? Shit. I just confessed my feelings to her, and she’s dangling scraps in front of me. The fuck? I was fucking starved for her and willing to take anything.
“Is that my only option?” I stared at her on the phone; her expression didn’t waver.
“It’s all I’m capable of giving.”
She was going to break me with this arrangement—but I was helpless to do anything but agree.
“Okay.”
She beamed. “Yeah?”
“Of course.”
After we hung up the phone, I spent an hour trying to convince myself that this arrangement was for the best. It’s not like I had time to devote to a relationship, but with Olivia, I had friendship, and now it looked like we’d be having sex.
I wasn’t strong enough to turn that down—even if it was going to ruin me for years to come.