Chapter 9 #2
“So you came to my doctor’s appointment?”
I shrugged. “It’s where you are.”
She blew out a long breath. “Well, you’re in luck. The place I looked at was overpriced and smelled like smoke.”
“There’s no point in you moving out. You were right. I heard you. I’ll be around more. We’ll get to know each other.”
“Starting with my medical history.” She tapped the clipboard, then began dictating answers as I wrote them down for her. Mostly, I checked a lot of boxes no.
Cass signed the few places required, finishing just as a nurse opened a door and called, “Cassandra.”
She pushed out of the chair, collecting her purse and coat.
“Can I, um . . . come in there?” I jerked my chin toward the nurse.
“Sure.”
Cass took a step but I didn’t move. Why couldn’t I move? She looked back, her gaze softening, then reached for my hand.
One touch and I unglued my feet. Her fingers stayed in mine until we were in the exam room.
The nurse had her sit in a chair, then took her blood pressure and reviewed the clipboard before handing her a small cup. “Bathroom’s next door.”
“Thanks.” Cass stood. “I’ll be back.”
“Where are you going?”
“One of the joys of doctor’s visits when you’re pregnant. Regular pee tests.” She shook the cup. “You can just sit here.”
Sit? Not a chance. The minute she was gone I stood and paced the small room, keeping my eyes away from the posters on the wall of the pregnant female anatomy, until the door opened again and Cass returned.
She climbed onto the exam room table, the paper crinkling beneath her. “You don’t have to stay if you’re uncomfortable.”
“I’m good.”
“This is my first visit with this doctor.” Cass rubbed her belly, the silence stretching between us, until a knock came and the doctor walked inside.
I was basically shoved to the side, taking up the space by Cass’s head as the doctor started in on a litany of questions.
“How have you been feeling?”
“Great.”
“Any concerns?”
“Nope.”
“Do you have names picked out?”
“Not yet.” Cass glanced my way. “I have a short list.”
“Whatever you want. I don’t care.”
Wrong answer. She closed her eyes and her lips pursed tight.
What? Her choices were probably fine and I didn’t care what the baby’s name was. Except Dale. I didn’t really want my kid named after her dad. Dale wasn’t my favorite name. So if she had a preference, that was fine.
“And you’re the father?” Dr. Tan asked.
“Uh, yeah.”
She looked between the two of us, probably wondering what the hell a woman like Cass, smart and classy and polished, was doing with me.
The doctor must have realized this pregnancy hadn’t been planned because after a quick assessment, I was dismissed, and she gave Cass a smile that looked a lot like pity. “Let’s have a listen.”
Cass scooted farther onto the table until she could lean back against the paper-covered pillow. Then she pulled up the hem of her sweater, revealing her belly. Her skin was flawless, stretched over her bump. Seeing it bare suddenly made this very, very real.
My heart started to race as the doctor grabbed a white bottle and pulled a machine over.
“This will be cold.” Dr. Tan squirted a glob of clear liquid on Cass’s belly, then took a wand and ran it over the goo.
A dull echo filled the room, a whoosh and then a whomp, whomp.
A heartbeat.
Cass looked up. “Cool, right?”
The sound grew louder and louder with every pulse until my own heart seemed to match the same rhythm. Every beat was like a hammer, slamming the reality of this into my skull. The baby wasn’t a concept anymore. It—she—was real. This was real and happening too fast.
I wasn’t ready.
All this time while I’d been in denial or losing my shit, Cass had been solid as a rock. A rock I was going to lean on for a moment.
The blood drained from my face and I bent over the bed, using it to hold me up.
My knees were seconds away from buckling.
My forehead dropped to Cass’s shoulder and I inhaled the sweet citrus scent of her hair, concentrating on how damn good she smelled as the volume of the baby’s heartbeat began to quiet in my ears.
Cass’s hand slid down the table and found mine. I clutched it tight, stealing from her strength until I could stand up straight.
“Is this your first time hearing it?” Dr. Tan asked.
I managed a nod.
The doctor pulled the wand away and the sound disappeared from the room. A good thing, right? Then why did I want to hear it again?
Dr. Tan grabbed a cloth to wipe Cass’s belly clean. “Strong heartbeat. I’ve got the records from your doctor in Missoula and unless you have any concerns, everything looks to be progressing nicely. We’ll start appointments every week going forward. I’d like to get a blood test next week too.”
“Sure thing.” Cass nodded.
“Then we’re all set. Take your time. You can schedule your next appointments on your way out or just give us a call. It was nice to meet you, Cassandra. And . . .” Dr. Tan waited for my name.
“Leo,” Cass answered for me.
“Leo. We’ll put that in your chart.”
“Thank you,” Cass said as the doctor slipped out of the room.
Neither Cass nor I moved. I couldn’t and she stayed still, waiting for my reaction.
“That was . . .” I cleared my throat. “Not what I was expecting today.”
Cass righted her sweater and pushed herself up to a seat. Then she climbed off the table and reached for her jacket on the chair behind me.
I snapped into action, grabbing the coat for her and holding it out for her to put on. “Thanks for letting me stay.”
“You’re welcome in all of this, Leo. To come to the appointments. To pick out names. She’s as much yours as she is mine.”
“I’m still getting used to the concept of she. Today . . . made it more real.”
Cass reached for my hand, taking it in hers. Fire flickered up my skin, the same fire that always spread when we touched. It was part of the reason I hadn’t looked at another woman since her.
I burned for her. Only her.
Her touch was delicate but firm as she pulled my palm to her belly and pressed it against the swell. Then she let me go, leaving my hand exactly where it was.
I tensed, about to pull away, but there was a look on Cass’s face, like this was a test. I’d failed enough of them that I didn’t move. Every second I touched her belly, it became easier. Ten. Thirty. Sixty. I stayed frozen until the fear I hadn’t acknowledged began to fade.
Cass’s eyes were waiting when I met her pretty gaze.
A touch. A connection. I stayed locked with her as our night together from months ago came rushing back. How I’d held her. I never held women. How I’d slid inside her, slow and lazy. I never went slow. How I’d had her in my bed.
Only her.
It wasn’t just the baby who terrified me. Her mother scared me too.
If she left, I’d lose her. “Don’t move out.”
Cass dropped her chin and a lock of that silky hair dropped into her face. I reached up and tucked it away. “I feel like a fool,” she said.
“Why? Because you’re pregnant?”
She looked up and shook her head. “I hate feeling stupid. More than anything. Being at your house while you’re out with other women . . . I feel like a fool. I feel pathetic. I can’t be at your home while you’re out all night with—”
“A bunch of guys.”
“Huh?”
“Last night, these guys were in town to go snowmobiling. They were at The Betsy and invited me to their place to check out their machines. It was late and I’d been drinking. I slept on a couch and waited until I could drive home. Not a woman in sight.”
“Oh.” Her shoulders sagged. “Still . . .”
“I haven’t been with a woman since you.”
Cass’s mouth fell open.
I hooked my index finger under her chin and pushed it closed. It was that or kiss her. “Don’t look so surprised.”
“Are you serious?”
“Have I ever lied to you?”
“No.”
“I’m not going to start today, Firecracker.”
She studied me with that slight tilt of her head, like she’d done in her bedroom weeks ago. And, like she had that night, she whispered, “Okay.”
“Okay, you’ll stay?”
“I’ll stay.”
“Thank you.” A wash of relief cascaded over my shoulders. “Then let’s get out of here. The uterus and vagina posters are making me uncomfortable.”
She giggled and let me take her hand. I wasn’t sure why I wanted it, but since she’d arrived at the doctor’s office, we’d touched. I didn’t want to stop.
I didn’t let her go, using the snow and ice in the parking lot as an excuse to hold it tight. When we got to her car, I opened her door. “I’ll follow you home.”
“All right.”
I waited until she locked the door before I left her and walked to my truck a few rows back. Then I met her at the mouth of the parking lot and followed her through town.
The roads were for shit, even worse than they’d been an hour ago.
The snow was falling again and with traffic, it compacted into slick tracks.
At the first stop to turn onto the highway, I touched the brake, and the back of my truck began to fishtail.
There was no grip on my tires. I pumped them twice but just kept sliding. “Damn it.”
Cass turned, moving out of the way so I didn’t bother stopping.
I just turned and caught up to her until the turn-off to our neighborhood.
Then the same damn thing happened as we weaved through the side streets toward home.
Either it was too icy for my bald tires or my brakes were failing. Maybe both.
When we made it home, I hopped out of the truck and immediately bent to look at the undercarriage.
“Everything okay?” Cass asked.
“Yeah.” I scanned the driveway for a leak. No brake fluid.
If the line was broken, the brake pedal would have gone to the floorboards and stayed there, so the hydraulic fluid was catching, but didn’t have enough pressure. Maybe the hoses were corroded and cracked.
I stood and brushed off my jeans. “This truck is temperamental. I’ve had it since high school. I bought it to fix up but that never really happened.”
The black 1985 Chevy wasn’t much to look at on the outside or under the hood. Probably because I rarely drove it. I chose my bike unless we were in the dead of winter, like today.
“Want to take my car?” Cass held out her keys.
“Nah. I’ll get this to the garage and check it out. Better order some new tires too.”
“Okay. I’m going to head in. Get a little more work done.”
“I’ll see you tonight.”
She nodded and took a step away, then turned back. “When you say tonight, do you mean before or after midnight?”
I chuckled. “How about dinner?”
“Dinner would be great.”
“Want a burger from Stockyard’s?”
“Sure.”
“Want to go there?”
“Um . . . okay.” The surprise on her face made me feel like a complete asshole.
While I’d been out living my life, she’d been stuck here. Alone. Maybe she thought I was hiding her. That I was ashamed to be seen with her.
Really, it was the other way around. The only thing I’d do for Cass’s image was tarnish it.
But like it or not, people around town were going to find out.
Hell, they probably already knew. I only hoped the gossips would take it easy on her.
Dinner together might make it worse, but it might also shut them up.
Who knew? I’d stopped caring what people in Clifton Forge thought about me a long time ago.
Not for Cass. For her, I cared.
“I’ll pick you up around six.”
“Bye.” She made her way to the door, using her key to unlock it. Before she went inside, she turned back and gave me a smile that stopped my heart.
I rubbed my sternum as she disappeared inside and tried a deep breath.
My lungs wouldn’t quite fill. Probably the cold.
I got in the truck and drove away, but the twist in my chest didn’t stop.
Every block I’d see that beautiful smile and ache, worrying that having it in my life was fleeting.
That soon she’d come to her senses and that smile would be gone.
She’d called us temporary earlier. It bothered me then and it bothered me now.
I didn’t want to be temporary. We’d spent so little time together, but with each minute she snuck deeper into my shattered soul.
Draven had told me once that he’d considered his wife the light of his life. Not just the love, but the light. And that after Chrissy had died, the world had gone gray.
Cass promised redemption. She was young, pure and golden light.
If I let myself fall into her, I wasn’t sure I’d survive it when she left. I shoved those thoughts away as I approached downtown and the stop light on Central. The brakes had been touchy but had worked. I tapped the pedal.
Nothing. I touched it again and whatever pressure it had given me earlier snapped. The pedal dropped to the floor, no tension, and I was on my way into the busy intersection.
There were no cars in front of me at the light so I took a gamble. I let the truck coast, my foot over the gas, ready to slide into the road and hope like fuck no one was coming because I wasn’t stopping.
“Fuck.” My heart raced as the light got closer. I leaned forward, checking for traffic. “Goddamn it.”
The flash of headlights caught my eye. I was fifty feet from the light and there was a semi coming down Central.
Thirty feet.
I reached for the window, rolling it down with the crank handle. I managed to get my arm out and waved the truck away.
Twenty feet.
He didn’t see me.
Ten feet.
I downshifted and stomped on the emergency brake. My wheels jerked but the tires were like figure skates on the ice.
Oh, fuck.
This was going to hurt.