Chapter 14
Fourteen
Taylor
So, apparently therapy is super important, and being able to talk to Marguerite has actually been super helpful.
I still haven’t been able to work myself up to apologizing to Eloise yet.
I want to, but there’s something that’s still blocking me.
Something I’m still mad about that I haven’t been able to unlock just yet.
Marguerite has made a suggestion that’s on the lines of me being jealous of Eloise, but I pushed that aside.
That makes no sense. I couldn’t be jealous of a woman that I’m now realizing I barely knew.
Speaking of that woman, she’s hilarious.
She’s got a drier sense of humour that I wasn’t expecting and when we’re texting—which admittedly, has been a bit more frequent than before but still not a lot—she has some great one-liners that have me laughing into my pillow to make sure I don’t wake up Brynn.
Brynn always gives me a side eye when she sees the two of us talking at practice, as if it’s so shocking that we’re connecting.
Which we are. Of course we are. Eloise is persistent, and we’re working together every chance the coaches can get us together.
But are we playing as well as we should be able to? No.
Absolutely not.
It’s why I’m currently sitting on the sidelines of the rink with her, being scolded by Lawson for dropping yet another pass.
He’s getting angrier, and unfortunately the angrier he gets, the thicker his accent and the louder he shouts at us.
There’s something about an angry Eastern Canadian accent that leads to the hilarity of knowing you should be upset but not being able to keep it together.
I’m enjoying the way she’s trying to look solemn as he continues his pacing and venting but, despite her efforts, her lips threaten to curl up in a smile she’s desperately trying to hide.
“Do you understand me? Why we can’t keep doing this?” Lawson suddenly asks, and we both bolt upright.
“Yes, Coach, of course. We’re working on it,” Eloise says. I’m glad she did because my voice would be wavering at the thought of trying to be respectful right now.
“Are you?” he snaps, and I nod quickly, looking at him.
“Of course, Coach. We’re hanging out and getting to know each other,” I say. It’s not something that settles into my stomach this time around either, which is fantastic because before it definitely was, but Marguerite has really been more helpful in getting me to open up than I thought.
I mean, so was Brynn, but I’m not telling her that. Her head is going to get way too big if she knows she was helpful.
“Are you practicing together?” he asks, raising one bushy eyebrow up. I think this is the first time I’ve seen his eyeballs.
“We were going to start working out together after practice this week,” Eloise says. I can see the way her cheeks are a deep pink now, and I have to stop myself from staring at how rosy they are.
My throat’s tight at the sight of her.
I clear it, trying to ignore the fluttering in my stomach.
I don’t know why she makes me nervous.
I shake my hands at my side for a minute, trying to release whatever energy is still in my body after the gruelling practice, and sit up a bit straighter.
Coach Lawson stares at the two of us for a moment more before Fallon clears xyr throat, smiling at us.
“Coach, I’m so glad you were able to gather these two troublemakers up! ” Xe say, and my heart sinks.
What did we do?
Eloise shifts in her spot on the bench. The small smile that was gracing her lips is replaced with a thin line, her usually pink lips white with pressure.
Lawson sighs. “What did they do, Mx. Bailey?”
Xe laugh, xyr features twisting into a version not unlike Brynn, but the pixie cut blue hair distorts the similarities.
“Nothing! We’re actually sending them to Toronto,” Xe say flippantly.
“HQ wants them to do a bunch of press junkets, and everyone else is doing them in the big T-O, so they wanted us to send them in as well.”
He grunts, and I can feel the tension rush out of my system, unclenching my hands and ignoring the half moon indents in my palms. “Goodie,” Eloise says calmly. “Thanks.“
Fallon holds xyr hand out for her. “Fallon. I’m Bailey’s sibling.”
“Right. I was wondering,” she says, trying to give xem a smile, but I can see the way it wavers on her lips. Did she think she was going to get kicked off the team as well?
“When do we have to head out? I know that Coach was gonna give us a few things to work on before our first game.”
He grunts. “This is cutting into our time to turn these two into a fighting machine.”
Fallon shakes xyr head. “Oh, it’s only three days. The flight over is tonight, and they’ll be back by Monday, ready for whatever torture you and Brynn are going to run them through. You won’t even notice they’re gone!”
He rolls his eyes. “That’s three days of time they could be working on passes and practicing–”
Fallon waves him off. “They’ll be together for three days. Think of it as intensive friendship building. That’s what you need for teammates, right? To be the very best of friends?”
He’s silenced. “Well, that’s everything from me. If you have any questions, don’t reach out,” Xe say, throwing us a peace sign with flaked black polish before disappearing.
“The boarding information—” Eloise calls out.
“Already in your inboxes!” Xe say before disappearing into the building.
The silence is too loud. I think that I’m going to hyperventilate at the thought of a last-minute trip being sprung on me.
Eloise seems much more at ease with the idea.
“Well, we can connect with Kenz and Blake and maybe get dinner together,” she suggests.
I nod, trying not to show the way my mind is racing at a couple hundred kilometres a second.
She reaches out, placing a hand on my arm.
I can feel the heat burning through my jersey and use it to ground myself for a minute.
“Right,” I say after clearing my throat. The stubborn knot of panic is still waiting there for something else. A penny to drop. “I guess we should go get ready for the flight?”
“Make sure you got some media outfits,” Coach mutters. I wave off the advice, pretending to breathe normally until we’re showering and getting changed. Eloise is humming, the sound bouncing off the tiles into my ears.
It’s too loud.
I bite back the need to snap at her and give myself a quick shower and change. “I’ll meet you at the airport,” I say, throwing the hood of my sweater on as I leave the locker room and walk a couple hundred metres down the corridor to Marguerite’s office.
I knock on it swiftly and bite back the concern that I didn’t book an appointment with her. I didn’t think this through. Usually, I have an appointment, and it’s online in a space where no one will see me reaching out or hear me talking to her.
Fuck, this was a mistake.
“Taylor, I’m happy to see you,” she says warmly.
Usually it’s soothing, but it feels overwhelming to be here in person, under her watchful eyes. “I’m sorry, I should have made an appointment– ”
“Come on in.”
I bite back the stream of thoughts that are threatening to spill out of me and nod, stepping in and watching her click the door closed.
I sit down in the chair opposite her desk and try to flex my hands in an attempt to focus on something other than my breathing.
“Where would you like to get started?” she asks, “You usually wait until your appointments.”
“I’m sorry, I should have reached out, but I just found out that I have to go to Toronto with Eloise tonight and it feels like too much,” I let out a tiny whimper, biting back tears. “I don’t want to go to Toronto with her.”
“Who told you you’re going to Toronto?”
“Fallon. We’re doing a bunch of press junkets together.”
She nods, taking in the way I’m slowly trying to sit with my foot under my body and my other knee under my chin. “Are you panicking about the fact that you have to go to Toronto or that you’re going with her?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Do you like travelling?”
I nod. “When I know what’s going on. I don’t like, like...” I trail off, not sure of what to say.
“Spontaneity? Sudden change?” she prompts, and I nod.
“Yeah.” The weight that was causing my lungs to struggle seems to lessen. “How did you know?”
Marguerite, with her warm brown eyes and her dark red bob, smiles at me softly. “Taylor, this is not the first time you’ve struggled with change this year.”
I nod. “I think it has—”
“Taylor.” She levels me with a stern glance, and I try not to wither into my seat.
“Okay, fine. But a changing linemate and dumping a cheating fiancé are not the same.”
“But in your brain, they are. It’s a sudden change from the norm. It’s alright to struggle with changes in routine.” She’s gentle when she says it.
Something clicks in my head.
“Oh. Is that why I was so mean to Eloise?”
She hums. “Maybe, but this is another situation that is going to make you need to try some new exercises to work through the stress.”
“Well, what if I never go through sudden change again?” I ask, and she chuckles.
“Taylor, you can’t stop things from changing around you. It’s a part of life.”
I bury my face in my knees, muttering, “I don’t like it.”
“No one does, and that’s okay.” I catch the tail end of her smile. “So, let’s talk about what tools you may need to get through this if I’m not available at the moment.”
“Well, don’t say that.”
“I’m not going to be in your pocket every time something new happens, Taylor, and that’s okay. Therapy is to make sure that you can function and work through problems without me.”
I scrunch my nose at the thought. “Alright, fine. What should I be looking at doing?”
“Accepting change comes with time. Flexibility is hard for someone with ADHD sometimes, and making sure you’re creating an open mind is important—”
“Wait… ADHD?”
She stops, and I can see the colour draining from her face. “Yes?”
I shake my head, chuckling, “I don’t have ADHD.”
Her mouth shapes into a small o. “You haven’t been tested?”
“I don’t have it,” I push, more insistent. “I got through school with decent grades. I made every hockey team I was on. I was successful. I—”
“Did you go for lots of walks during school, particularly when you were older?” I nod. “Do you sometimes find yourself answering questions that have nothing to do with the conversation at hand?”
I bite my lip. “Not recently.”
“Can you focus for long periods of time on a subject that doesn’t catch your interest?”
“No, but no one can,” I say, and she nods.
“You’re sensitive to sudden changes in routine, you’re a professional athlete who struggled with sitting still in class, and you struggle with focusing on subjects you’re not interested in,” she says it slowly, like I’m thick.
“Taylor, I think I’d like to talk to you more about this in our next session, and I’ll bring a test along to see if I’m wildly off-base,” she says.
“But I think you’re dealing with undiagnosed ADHD. ”
“I’m 27.”
“A lot of women learn to work around their ADHD growing up, and because it doesn’t often present itself the same way in girls as it does boys, it takes a while for it to be noticed. But this is something that we can work with.”
I cross my arms. “Was I unworkable before?”
She smiles through an amused huff. “No, Taylor, of course not. But I think this could help explain a few things you may be struggling with.”
Oh.
“Okay. So, next session?”
“Well yes, but before you go, let’s talk about those tools for the flight and any other changes you may experience.”
“Okay, but I have to get out of here soon.”
“Then let’s make it quick.”