Chapter 7
Milow
The exam room was white and cold, and the paper under me crinkled every time I moved.
Iris sat close on a little stool, and Gus was on the chair near the door.
They both tried to act calm, but I could tell they were nervous.
This was my first visit to the doctor’s, ever, and I saw a flash of guilt in their eyes, like taking me here had been hard for them.
I wasn’t scared, though. Ashby had told me that doctors were good people who only wanted to make sure you were okay. And Daddy was a doctor too. He had a room just like this back at our house, and I was in it a few times.
When the doctor came in, he talked to me first. He asked me questions, and I either nodded or shook my head because he didn’t know my secret language. Then, he checked my ears, eyes, and mouth. I did everything he asked me to, and I sat perfectly still because I always followed directions.
When he asked me to lie back, I did, and I stared up at the light-blue ceiling, which had big white clouds painted on.
The doctor made me lift my shirt so he could look at my belly.
He gently pressed down on my stomach, asking me if anything hurt, and I always shook my head.
He seemed pleased with my answer, then he reached for a funny-looking thing, telling me it was like a camera that allowed him to look inside my belly.
He turned a small screen toward me and told me to look at it. Something cold touched my skin, then he moved the device around my belly.
“Look at that, Milow,” Gus said with excitement. “You know what those are?”
I stared at the screen, only seeing weird grey shapes. [No.]
“Those are your organs.”
“Exactly,” the doctor said, smiling gently as he kept his eyes on the screen. “And everything looks perfect. Your stomach is full. Did you have a big lunch?”
[Yes, I had pizza!]
The doctor quickly glanced at Gus, waiting for him to translate.
“She had pizza. It’s her favorite food.”
“Is that so? That’s my favorite food, too,” he told me. “All right. Everything looks fine.” He looked at me, his eyes wandering over my face before they dropped to my neck. “Tilt your head back for me.”
I didn’t know why he wanted me to do that, but I obeyed. Everyone around me seemed more tense, but I kept staring up at the ceiling. The doctor gently placed the device on my throat and slowly moved it up and down. I dropped my gaze to him, seeing his joyful expression changing slowly.
He kept looking at the screen, and the tension in the room grew. Finally, he pulled the device away, placed it back, and cleaned the gel off my throat.
He turned to Gus and Iris, asking him different questions.
“Has she ever talked to you?”
“Has anyone explained anything about her condition?”
“What do you know about her time growing up?”
Iris was frowning, and Gus sat forward, elbows on his knees. They tried to explain that I didn’t talk because I chose not to. I had selective mutism, but I wanted to tell them I couldn’t speak because the magic had taken my voice away. They wouldn’t understand. They’d think I was being silly.
The doctor started to talk about things I didn’t understand. He used big words, kept his voice low, and I tried to follow by watching their faces instead. But I couldn’t follow.
Then he said something in a clearer voice, but it still didn’t make sense to me.
“She doesn’t have them.”
What did I not have?
The room went quiet, and I saw Gus shift in his seat. His head hung low, and when I moved my gaze to Iris, I caught her wiping away a tear.
The doctor went on, explaining things calmly, but I still didn’t understand. I only understood a few things when he started talking about the police, but I had no clue why he would bring them up.
Iris covered her mouth to muffle a sound.
Tears rolled down her cheeks. Gus stood up abruptly, making the chair scrape on the floor.
His hands curled into fists. He looked shocked, angry, and scared all at once.
I had never seen Gus look like that. It frightened me enough that I reached for Iris automatically.
“It’s okay, sweetheart,” she said quietly, pulling me onto her lap with a smile that didn’t reach her eyes. She was upset, and seeing her like that made me upset, too.
“This is insane,” Gus said through gritted teeth, and I looked up at him to see just how angry he was.
Had I done something? I was clearly the reason for their big, bad feelings. But I hadn’t done anything. I had been obedient and let the doctor look at me.
I frowned and lowered my gaze to my hands in my lap, unable to look at their faces anymore.
They were hurting, and I was starting to get overwhelmed.
The day had started so well, with all five of us sitting happily at the breakfast table.
And now, Gus and Iris were upset and angry.
And it was because something was wrong with me.
My nails scratched against my thumb until the skin started to loosen.
Iris kept sniffing, her shoulders trembling while she held me tight in her arms. I didn’t understand the reason for their reactions. I didn’t know why this was such terrible news. I hadn’t spoken for a very long time. I thought the silence was part of who I was, and they knew it.
“I’d look into this,” I heard the doctor say. “There has been a surgery.”
I caught bits of what he was saying, but not enough to make sense of what he really meant.
None of them said anything to me directly.
They spoke around me, as if the words were too heavy to give to a child.
But maybe it was for the best. I held Iris’s shirt tightly and leaned against her shoulder, listening to her breathe unevenly.
I didn’t know what was wrong with me now, but it didn’t worry me as much because there was already so much wrong with me.
__
Iris and Gus were still so upset, even after we got home.
Iris went straight to the kitchen to cook dinner, and Gus paced a little in the living room.
Their worry made the house feel heavy. Iris had told me to play until dinner was ready, but I didn’t feel like playing.
I looked around for Ashby instead. I wanted him near me because he always talked and made things feel normal.
I tugged on Gus’s sleeve to get his attention.
He stopped moving and looked down at me with tired eyes. “Yes, sweetie?”
I lifted my hands to sign. [Where is Ashby?]
He rubbed the back of his neck and said, “Ashby is at Stan’s house. He’ll come home soon.”
I furrowed my brows but nodded. [Where is Wesley?]
“Wes is upstairs in his room.” He smiled and leaned down to kiss my head. “We’re okay, sweetheart. Don’t you worry about us.”
He understood that I had big, confusing feelings and thoughts too, and he was only trying to make me feel better. I wanted to make him feel better, too, so I lifted my hands again and signed, [I love you, Dad. And I love Mom. Because you love me too.]
His eyes widened for a split second, then his eyes watered. This time, I was sure that those were happy tears in his eyes. “We do love you, Milow. Now, play a little. Dinner’s ready soon.”
[Okay.]
I gave his legs a quick squeeze, then headed upstairs to Wesley’s room. The door was half open, and I saw him sitting on his bed with a bunch of books in front of him. He looked up when he heard me at the door, and I waved at him.
He smiled a little. “Hey, Milow. What’s up?”
[Can you help me?]
He tilted his head like he always did when he watched me sign. All of them had been very interested in learning my secret language, but Wesley was often busy with school, and so he wasn’t as good as the others. But he still tried and always wanted to keep learning.
“You want me to help you? With what?”
[Picking flowers.]
He blinked once, then closed the book in front of him. “Picking flowers? From the garden?”
I nodded quickly, happy and proud of him for understanding.
“Yeah. I can do that.”
I felt a small bit of relief. I wanted to bring Iris flowers. Flowers always made her smile. I knew because Gus often bought her flowers, which she then placed into a pretty vase. I wanted to be the one to give them flowers this time.
Wesley slid off the bed and followed me downstairs, where we slid through the back door into the yard. Wesley stayed close as I knelt in front of the flower bed. I chose all colors, picking them carefully, and holding the stems tight so they wouldn’t fall apart.
Wesley crouched beside me and held out his hand. “I can hold them for you.”
I set each flower into his palm so he could hold them in a small bunch. He kept watching me, and I concentrated on choosing the best blossoms.
After a while, he asked softly, “How was it at the doctor, Milow?”
I lifted one shoulder to show it hadn’t been that bad. [It didn’t hurt.]
“It didn’t hurt?” He nodded. “Good. Did the doctor say anything about how healthy you are?”
I straightened and nodded again. I felt proud of that.
[I’m healthy and strong.]
“That’s good.”
I reached for a purple flower and placed it with the others. Then I signed again. [But he said something is missing in me.]
Wesley paused, trying to understand. His eyebrows furrowed. “Missing something? What do you mean?”
I shrugged again. I didn’t know how to explain. [Something that made them sad.]
He looked at my hands, then at the bunch of flowers he was holding. His expression softened. “Is that why you wanted to pick flowers? Because Mom and Dad are sad?”
[Yes.]
“That’s very sweet, Milow. They’re going to love them.”
When I was done picking the prettiest flowers, I carried them inside as Wesley followed me. I headed straight to the kitchen, where both Iris and Gus were standing.
“Mom. Dad. Milow has something for you,” Wesley told them.
They both turned around, and I held the pretty bundle toward them with a big smile.
“Oh, sweetheart,” Iris whispered, taking the flowers from my hands. She pressed them to her chest, then leaned forward and kissed the top of my head. “These are beautiful.”
[They make you happy.]
“They do,” Gus said, brushing his hand over my hair. “Let’s put them in a vase and have them at the dinner table.”
I nodded quickly and watched as Iris went to find the perfect vase. As she carefully arranged them, Gus asked Wesley to help set the table. I wanted to help too, and as I placed the last glass down, I heard the front door open.
“I’m home!” Ashby’s voice called from the entrance, and I quickly turned around.
He was kicking off his shoes and throwing his jacket on the bench before he ran through the living room and toward us.
He didn’t slow down before he crashed into me, his arms coming around me tightly. His cheek pressed against my hair.
“I missed you,” he said.
I froze for a second, then wrapped my arms around him too. His hug made it feel like everything was okay again.
“We missed you, too, buddy,” Gus said. “Go wash your hands, then come sit. Dinner’s ready.”
I didn’t want to let go, but I wasn’t losing him. We’d have dinner with the whole family, and I knew that afterward, we would play until it was time for bed.