Chapter 25
Ashby
Scottie and Stan seemed to have reached a quiet agreement not to fight tonight.
It had to be the way Hailie talked about Scottie that got under Stan’s skin.
It was enough for him to stand by her side and protect her instead of letting her handle it alone.
What happened at the diner made it clear how much he cared about her.
There was no denying that, even when things were messy between them, he still stayed.
I knew Scottie didn’t take that lightly. She always tried to fix things between them. Even when she pulled back or felt worn down, she never pushed him too far away.
I turned on the first movie I found and set the remote on the armrest. Scottie and Stan were curled up together on the other couch.
I sat about a foot away from Milow, who had tucked herself under a blanket.
I wanted to pull her closer and hold her the way Stan was holding Scottie, because I knew it would calm her and maybe calm me too, but I’d already made things tense upstairs when I kissed her cheek, and I didn’t know how she had taken it.
At first, she leaned into me and held my gaze like she wanted more, and then she pulled away so fast it felt like she needed distance immediately.
Maybe I needed to slow down. Maybe I needed to back off and give her room, instead of pushing for the closeness I clearly relied on more than she did.
I told myself that space didn’t mean rejection, even if it felt that way.
I glanced over at her anyway, to make sure she was okay, and to see if she still looked comfortable sitting there beside me.
My phone buzzed on the coffee table, and I leaned forward to grab it. “It’s Jasper,” I said, already answering and bringing the phone to my ear. “Hey.”
“Hey, buddy. Are you guys all right?” he asked.
“Yeah, we’re good. What’s up?”
“I just wanted to check in and let you know Marjorie kicked the two girls out. They’re banned from the diner.”
I pressed my lips together, satisfaction settling in. “Seriously? That’s good news.”
“Yeah. Figured you’d want to know. How’s Scottie?”
I looked over at her, curled into Stan’s side. “She’s fine.”
“And Milow?”
“Yeah. Milow’s fine too,” I said, my eyes drifting back to her. “Thanks for checking in.”
“Sure. Have a good night.”
“You too. Bye, Jasper.”
I ended the call and let the phone rest in my lap. “Hailie and Aspen are banned from the diner.”
“Good,” Stan said, letting out a short laugh. “About time they faced some consequences.”
__
Saturday, September 27th
Two weeks later, I sat on a bench in the changing room, feeling more nervous than I ever had in my life.
Nervous didn’t even cover it. My chest was tight, my stomach twisted, and my whole body shook like it was about to shut down.
The music blasting through my noise-canceling headphones didn’t help at all, and I knew drinking that Red Bull minutes earlier had been a mistake.
My hands wouldn’t stop shaking. I didn’t feel ready to swim, even though it was just a friendly meet, and none of this was supposed to matter.
Still, my heart raced like I was about to step into something irreversible, and I had this overwhelming sense that if I took one wrong breath, I would break down crying right there in front of everyone.
I tried to understand what was happening to me, why this fear felt so sudden and so extreme, and why my brain kept telling me I wasn’t good enough for anything at all.
It wasn’t new, not really. I had felt the same thing three days earlier at school, right before that stupid physics test I knew I was going to fail.
I hadn’t paid enough attention in class.
I hadn’t studied the way I should have. I knew that.
I also knew it could have been avoided if I had just focused and put in the effort.
But instead of fixing it, my thoughts spiraled, jumping straight to worst-case scenarios—messing up the entire school year, letting everyone down, proving I didn’t belong on the swim team either.
The more I thought about it, the worse it got, until it felt like everything I cared about was slipping out of reach at once. School. Swimming. My future. It all blurred together into this heavy pressure inside of me, like I was already failing before I even got the chance to try.
A hand landed on my shoulder, and when I looked up, Wesley stood there.
Everyone had come to watch me swim today, and even with all that support, I didn’t want to step out there.
One look at his face was enough. I sighed, and that was when I couldn’t hold it in any longer.
I pulled my headphones off and dropped my face into my hands as my eyes burned. I couldn’t stop the tears.
“Oh, buddy…” Wesley sat down beside me and wrapped his arms around me, rubbing my back gently. “Jasper told me to come back here. Said you looked unfocused.”
That explained why he was here with me instead of out on the bleachers with the rest of our family.
I didn’t speak. I just let him hold me while I tried and failed to get control of myself.
I had never felt this exposed before. Nothing had ever pushed me to this point.
Or maybe it had, and I’d just ignored it.
Maybe I had always been good at burying the bad thoughts and pretending they didn’t exist. But whatever I used to do wasn’t working anymore.
“What’s on your mind, Ash?” he asked, his voice calm. “Talk to me.”
I wanted to talk. I wanted to tell him everything that was piling up in my head, but I didn’t know if saying it out loud would actually fix anything. I let him hold me a little longer, trying to control my breathing, before I turned my head to look at him.
“It all feels too heavy,” I whispered, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. “I don’t know how to do all of this at the same time.”
Wes kept one hand on my back. “I wish I could tell you it gets easier,” he said honestly. “But I won’t lie to you.”
That didn’t scare me. If anything, it made me want to listen to him.
He had lived this already. I’d watched him juggle school and ice hockey for years, watched the exhaustion, the frustration, the nights he came home silent and angry at himself.
I saw him break down more than once, and yet, it had worked out for him in the end. But none of it had been smooth.
“But,” he continued, tightening his arm around me, “you get stronger. You learn how to carry that weight without it crushing you.”
I shook my head. “I feel like I’m failing at everything. I can’t focus, then I panic, and then I mess up even more. It’s like I’m already behind before I even start.”
“You’re not failing,” Wes said immediately. His voice was firm now, but not harsh. He was speaking with certainty. “You’re overwhelmed. There’s a difference.”
“It doesn’t feel like one.”
“I know,” he said. “It didn’t for me either. I thought if I struggled, it meant I wasn’t good enough. That if I had to work this hard, then maybe I didn’t deserve it.” He paused, making sure I was listening to every word he said. “That was bullshit then, and it’s bullshit now.”
I let out a shaky breath. “What if I go out there and screw this up?”
“Then you screw it up,” he said. “And the world keeps turning. One swim doesn’t erase who you are or how hard you’ve worked.”
I swallowed, lowering my head. “It feels like it does.”
“That’s the pressure talking,” he replied. “Ash, you love the water. You started so young, and even then, you were so passionate about it. That won’t just disappear.”
I knew he was right. “I still love it.”
“Good. Then pour your heart into it the way you always have. You don’t have to be flawless today,” he continued. “You just have to swim your race.”
My heart still ached, but his words slowly eased the pain.
“And about school,” he added, giving a little shrug. “We’ll figure that out together. We can find tutors. Change your training schedule so you have more time to study. Whatever you need. You don’t have to go through this alone, even if your brain keeps telling you that you should.”
I pressed my forehead against his shoulder, taking in a deep breath that finally helped me calm down.
“You’re allowed to struggle,” Wes said quietly, cupping the back of my head with his hand. “It doesn’t make you weak.”
I nodded again, managing a smile as I hugged him. We stayed like that for a moment until the noise in my head slowly disappeared. It wasn’t gone fully, but it dulled enough for me to think again.
Wes shifted and held me at arm's length, looking at me with a serious expression. “No matter what happens out there, we’re all on the bleachers cheering you on. Every single one of us.”
I sniffed. “Thanks, Wes.”
“We’ll be loud, too,” he added with a raised brow. “Embarrassingly loud. Mom already warned me she’s going to scream your name.”
My face twisted, and I decided not to fight that because I couldn’t get Mom not to do something she already set her mind to. “Great.”
He grinned and got up, then offered me his hand. I took it and let him pull me up.
“And, Ash.”
“Yeah?”
“You don’t have to be fearless. Being scared or nervous is part of life. Just don’t let the fear make the decisions for you.”
I appreciated his words, and as much as they meant to me, I was starting to get amused. “Alright, dude. Stop talking before you turn into some wise old man.”
He grinned and gently patted my cheek. “Eh, too late. Comes with being the older brother. And having this hair.” He pointed at his head of bright blond, almost white hair. Then his expression turned serious again. “You’ve got this. No matter what the time says, I’m proud of you.”
“Thank you.”
“Anytime,” he said. “Now go do your thing. We’ll be right there.”
He gave me one last firm pat on the shoulder before heading back toward the door. I watched him leave, then put my headphones back on and used the time I still had left to warm up.
After a few minutes, I shook out my arms and legs, then picked up my phone from the bench. There was a message from Milow that she had sent just a minute ago. I opened and read it, a smile immediately spreading on my face.
Milow
Good luck, Ash. I’m so proud of you! ?
I stared at the message longer than I probably should have. And while Wesley’s pep talk did enough to make me feel better, her message somehow gave me the last push I needed to get out there and do my best.
I typed a quick reply.
Me
Thank you, Milow. ?
I locked my phone and slid it into my locker with the rest of my things. After taking another deep breath, I pulled on my cap and goggles, grabbed my towel, and stepped out onto the deck to join Jasper and the rest of my team.
“Are you feeling okay?” Jasper asked.
“Yeah. Thanks, man.”
He gave me an encouraging smile before shifting his focus again, and I turned my head toward the bleachers. They were packed today, and it took me a moment to spot my family. I finally found them sitting near the middle, all of them already looking at me with proud smiles on their faces.
I lifted my hand and waved, and they all waved back.
I expected Mom to call out my name like Wes had warned me about, but instead she held up a colorful sign that read GO ASH GO in big bubble letters.
I recognized it immediately. It was the same sign they had made for me at my very first swim meet when I was seven.
The fact that Mom had kept it all these years sent a wave of emotions through me, but I forced myself to hold it together.
I decided then that no matter how I placed today, having them there cheering me on was what mattered most.