Chapter 30 #2
She looked at me with an unfocused gaze at first. When she realized where she was, her shoulders eased. I felt the tension leave her body as she settled back against my chest.
“Hey,” I whispered. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”
She closed her eyes again, her lips parting as she took a deep breath.
I smiled and rubbed her back, letting her decide if she wanted to fall back asleep or stay awake with me. Selfishly, I wanted her to look at me again. Her eyes always brought a sense of safety.
I couldn’t take my eyes off her. My gaze moved over her face, taking in her rosy cheeks, the tip of her nose, then her lips. Too many thoughts crowded my head at once. Some were gentle, and others felt wrong to have, given everything I now knew.
Her lips were beautiful. So soft and expressive.
And they would never be used for what lips were meant for.
She would never speak. The finality of it hit me all over again.
But… she would still smile. She would still pout in that adorable way that always made my heart melt.
But her voice? Her voice was gone forever.
I would never get to hear it, and the heaviness of that fact hurt so deeply.
Anger rose inside of me, aimed at a man who no longer existed but had left damage everywhere. I didn’t even realize I was holding her tighter until she startled.
Her eyes flew open. The moment she saw my face, she shifted, pushing herself upright to straddle my lap so she could look at me properly. Her hands came up, her eyes searching mine with concern.
[What is it? Why are you angry?]
My throat tightened. I struggled to keep myself together. “I don’t want to use my voice,” I said quietly. “Not if you can’t. Not when yours was taken from you.”
Her eyes widened, and she shook her head quickly, her hands moving with urgency. [But I don’t want you to do that.]
“It just doesn’t feel right, Milow. It isn’t fair,” I said, fighting to keep the emotions inside. Tears were already burning behind my eyes. My heart was racing and slamming against my ribs like it wanted out. I could feel myself slipping the harder I tried not to explode.
Her expression softened into sadness, and her gaze dropped to my chest. My hands were still gripping her hips tightly. I needed to make sure she would stay right there.
Her breath shook when she inhaled. Then she looked back up at me, and her eyes held so much at once. Hurt, patience, understanding. But most of all, exhaustion. She was tired of explaining. Tired of reassuring everyone else. And that made me feel guilty. I was the one making her feel that way.
[A lot isn’t fair in life, but I’m not mad.]
“But you should be,” I said, my voice cracking. “You should be so damn angry, Milow.”
My hands started to shake, and my body followed. The same uncontrollable tremor from the night before worked its way through me.
She shook her head again and placed both hands flat against my chest. She leaned forward until her forehead rested against mine, and I closed my eyes, focusing on her presence and on the pressure of her hands. Slowly, because of her, my breathing eased.
When she felt it change, she leaned back just enough to look at me. Her hands slid up to my neck, then one moved to cup my cheek. Her thumb brushed gently over my skin, and she held my gaze for a moment before pulling her hands back to sign.
[I don’t want you to be mad. And I don’t want you to stop talking just because I can’t.]
I watched her as she paused. Her brows furrowed for a moment, then a small, almost shy smile touched her lips.
[I don’t ever want you to stop talking, because your voice is the most beautiful thing I get to hear every day.]
I blinked. Her words weren’t sinking in at first. But then they did, all at once, and every emotion I had tried so hard to keep inside me pushed out completely. I broke down, but this time, for a different reason than before.
She had the purest heart. Her kindness hadn’t been destroyed, even after everything she’d been through. She had been silenced, and still, she chose gentleness. She saw beauty in darkness, and that was what undid me.
My fingers tightened at her hips as she lifted her hand again, wiping the tears from my face. I struggled to keep my breathing under control, refusing to let it turn into another spiral. I hadn’t cried like this in years, but it seemed that since yesterday, I couldn’t stop.
“Milow,” I whispered, pulling her closer to me. I had so many things I wanted to say to her, but no amount of words seemed to be enough to tell her just how much I admired and adored her.
I still wanted to show her somehow, but the only way I thought of could scare her off. I didn’t want to risk pushing her away, but I was just too selfish not to lean in closer and kiss her.
She stayed right there, close enough that I could feel her breath against my mouth.
Her hands rested on my shoulders now, steadying herself while I tried to do the same for both of us.
I swallowed hard as I leaned in closer, unable to stop myself.
The pull felt inevitable, and I was careful not to move too fast. I was worried that one wrong move would shatter this moment.
“The world doesn’t deserve you,” I whispered. Tears kept rolling down my face. “I don’t deserve you.”
She shook her head and lifted her hands to sign, [But you do,] before she rested her hands on either side of my neck again. Her touch was so soft, it sent shivers through my whole body.
“No, I don’t. But I’m so grateful that you let me be here with you, and that you trust me enough to stay by your side.”
Her brows drew together as her eyes dropped to my mouth. The tip of her tongue came out, licking her lips before her eyes met mine again. That should’ve been my sign, but I was frozen. I couldn’t believe that this girl had a heart of gold, and she was letting me have it.
She leaned in first, her lips parting slightly.
My jaw clenched, and my fingers flexed on her hips before I moved them to her back.
I rested one hand on her lower back, the other between her shoulder blades.
I wanted to ask her if she was sure. If she truly wanted to kiss me, because we were both in vulnerable states, and I didn’t want her to regret it. But there was no room for questions.
I pulled her even closer until my lips brushed hers, and with a small tilt of my head, I kissed her gently. It was a ghost of a touch at first, and I was terrified that she’d push me away. But she didn’t, and she kissed me back just as softly, while her fingers dug deep into my shoulders.
My heart had never beat this hard, and my chest started to hurt from the throbbing. But if that’s what kissing her would feel like for the rest of my life, I would deal with the pain.
I tilted my head a little more and parted my lips again, moving them against hers in a slow, careful kiss.
Her lips moved with the same rhythm, and her body pressed more into me.
She wasn’t pushing me away, and with her fingers moving into my hair at the back of my head, she showed me she didn’t want this to end.
I didn’t want to stop either. I wasn’t sure I could, not with how good this felt.
My right hand stayed at the small of her back, while I moved the other to her side, squeezing her waist gently. Her body shuddered, and her lips parted again in an attempt to deepen the kiss. I was going at her pace here, not wanting to force her into something she didn’t want to do.
But this was all her doing.
Her fingers tangled in my hair, and she pressed her body into mine again as her hips slowly moved on top of me. She was still straddling my lap, and it seemed like she couldn’t get any closer.
Carefully, I moved my tongue to brush along her bottom lip, and when she reacted with another tug of my hair, I slowly slid inside her mouth, my tongue softly brushing against hers.
Her body stiffened, but only for a split second.
Because next, she was the one dipping her tongue deeper into my mouth and tilting her head more to the side.
I couldn’t help but smile. Milow had always been so shy, and I knew she’d never been kissed.
But she was opening up to me, wanting this as much as I did.
I moved both my hands to her hips, pressing her harder against me as I curled my tongue around her in a slow and passionate kiss. Her fingers were still tangled in my hair, and I decided in that moment that her hands in my hair were my favorite thing ever.
The sun was rising outside, brightening up the room as the morning rolled in. But no matter what the world was doing, I only cared about Milow.