Chapter 53
Ashby
The casket was being lowered into the ground, and all of us stood there in silence, watching it descend inch by inch as if time itself had slowed down just to make us feel every second of it.
The only sounds breaking through the stillness were quiet sniffles and restrained sobs somewhere around us.
Snow kept falling from the gray sky, settling on the dark wood of the coffin before it disappeared from view.
And even though this was a funeral, even though we were standing around an open grave, there was something painfully beautiful about it.
Somehow, the snow softened everything it touched.
I still couldn’t sort out how I felt about any of this. I couldn’t forget what Milow had endured because of Hailie. All the years of cruelty and humiliation, and the way she had come home smaller some days. That didn’t just disappear because we were standing in a cemetery.
But at the same time, watching a seventeen-year-old being buried while her mother stood a few feet away, barely holding herself upright, made my stomach twist, and I couldn’t ignore it. No matter what had happened between them, this was still a life cut short.
It had taken me longer than I wanted to admit to agree to come here.
Every part of me had resisted the idea at first. I didn’t want to stand here and honor someone who had hurt Milow.
I didn’t want to pretend I had forgotten.
But Milow had asked me, and when she asked for something, I always said yes. So I came. For her. Only for her.
She stood beside me now, with her hand tightly holding mine. When I looked down at her face, the pain in her eyes hadn’t lessened. It wasn’t just simple grief she was feeling, and it made me feel sick knowing she was carrying all of that at once.
After everything Hailie had put her through, she was still standing here.
She had forgiven her. Not today, and not because she died. She had done it a long time ago, without anyone needing to witness it.
It still amazed me how quickly she forgave people, no matter how big or small the wound was.
The second someone hurt her, she processed it and somehow found a way to let it go while the rest of us were still clenching our fists.
I had spent years trying to convince her that she didn’t always have to do that.
That it was human to hold on to anger, and that anger didn’t make her cruel or weak.
I wanted her to defend herself more fiercely. Wanted her to stay angry sometimes.
But over time, I had to accept that Milow would never work that way.
She wasn’t built to carry resentment. She felt deeply, but she never clung to hatred.
There was too much love in her for that.
Too much compassion that stretched even toward people who never deserved it.
And standing there in the falling snow, watching the grave slowly disappear, I watched her grief in her own quiet way.
__
Tuesday, December 30th
Christmas hadn’t been the same as every other year.
How could it, when a girl in this town had tragically died?
Nobody truly knew how it had happened. There was no clear explanation or final answer that settled anything.
But nobody dared to make up rumors either.
In a town like this, people usually talked.
They guessed. They filled in the blanks.
But this time, they didn’t. At least not out loud.
We were all left with the unknown, wondering in silence and trying to make sense of something that shouldn’t have to make sense.
Of course, we had talked about it. We couldn’t avoid it.
Knowing what Milow had told us a while back, about what happened at the grocery store, Wesley was sure that Hailie’s father had something to do with it. Stan, Scottie, and Jasper had come to the same conclusion without much hesitation.
They were certain that the bruises and fear in Hailie’s eyes had to come from her father, and maybe the morning of her death, he had gone too far.
It was a terrifying thought, one that stirred up too many complicated memories I would rather have left buried. And in a way that made me feel guilty for even admitting it to myself, it felt easier to believe her father had done it than to consider that Hailie might have chosen to end her own life.
If it had been her father, then it meant she had been living in something darker than we ever fully knew.
Something that escalated beyond control.
But if it hadn’t been him, then she had been dealing with something so heavy and constant that no one else could see, a pain that left her feeling trapped with no way out, no relief, and no reason to go on, and it had completely consumed her.
My stomach twisted, and I forced myself to push away the heavier thoughts for a moment, to think about something else.
I felt like I needed to change something in my life, to shift the narrative before it crushed me completely.
There had been a weight on my chest for a while now, something I’d been ignoring because life was already overflowing with emotions.
I couldn’t ignore it any longer. I needed to face it today.
I left my room and walked the few steps to Milow’s bedroom across the hall. Pushing her door open slowly, I saw her sitting at her desk, music playing quietly in the background.
I knocked softly, waiting for her to notice me. She turned her head, smiled, and set her pencil down.
“We’re on Christmas break, Milow,” I said with a chuckle. “Studying should be illegal.”
She scrunched her nose and turned in her chair. [I was just repeating some things I had trouble getting into my head.]
“Oh yeah? And what’s that? Quantum physics formulas giving you trouble?” I asked teasingly.
[No, I understand those,] she signed quickly, making me chuckle.
“Of course you do.” Smiling, I walked over to her. I rested one hand on the edge of her desk and the other on her thigh, leaning down so we were face to face. “Can I show you something?”
Her smile softened, making me melt on the spot, and she nodded. [Of course.]
I tilted my head and kissed her lips, letting the moment linger a little longer before I pulled back reluctantly.
“Come with me,” I said, straightening and holding out my hand.
She placed hers in mine and rose without hesitation, letting me lead her across the hall to my bedroom. I closed the door behind us and gestured to the bed. “Sit, please.”
She lowered herself onto the bed, crossing her legs comfortably beneath her, while I moved to my desk and opened a drawer, holding my breath as I looked inside.
It was time. Time to show her something I’d kept hidden, a secret I hadn’t shared with anyone because until now, it hadn’t felt right. Reaching for the envelope, I pulled it out and turned toward her, watching her sitting on the bed with that sweet, patient smile of hers.
Curiosity shone in her eyes, and when I sat down next to her, she moved a little closer. She noticed the tension in me and gently rested a hand on my forearm.
I tapped my fingers against the envelope nervously. I knew she’d be happy. And I was too. I just hadn’t fully allowed myself to accept that this was real yet.
“Principal Madigan gave this to me one day after the accident happened.”
Calling Hailie’s brutal assault on Milow an accident felt wrong, but Milow wouldn’t call it anything else, so I followed her lead.
She glanced up at me for a second, then dropped her gaze back to the envelope, the gentle smile still tugging at her lips. [What is it?]
I sucked in a breath, trying to steady my racing heart. Slowly, I pulled out the letter and held it out in front of her, letting her take it in.
Her eyes scanned the letter, and when it clicked, both her hands flew to cover her mouth. Pride and excitement danced in her eyes as she stared at me.
[You got in!] she signed as a wide smile broke out on her lips.
I chuckled. “Yeah, I guess…”
I hadn’t just gotten into the University of British Columbia—the university of my dreams—I had also gotten a scholarship.
[Ashby, you got in! This is so exciting!] She threw herself at me, wrapping her arms around my neck.
I grinned and held her tight, still clutching the letter in one hand.
Her excitement was contagious. Every time she let herself feel this much joy, it swept over me too, squeezing my chest and making my heart beat faster just from being near her.
I couldn’t help but revel in it, letting myself get lost in the moment with her.
When she pulled back, she glanced at the letter again, reading over it carefully. Her smile was bright as she read it again and again, then she looked at me, and I could see the tears pooling in her eyes.
[I’m so proud of you, Ashby. You deserve this so much.]
Two months ago, I wouldn’t have believed her. But things had finally quieted down, and I found myself clinging to hope, wanting life to feel better.
[Are you excited?] she asked, placing her hand on my leg again.
“I am,” I said, nodding. “It’s just… a little surreal. Mom and Dad don’t know yet. You’re the first I’ve told.”
Her smile grew at that, but when her gaze returned to the letter, a small frown pulled at her brows. I knew she was wondering why I’d kept it from them for so long.
I slid the letter back in the envelope and placed it aside, then turned fully toward her.
I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and studied her face before saying, “So much had been going on, and I just… I didn’t feel like celebrating.
I’d been so focused on you, on making sure you were okay, that I didn’t think about my own future.
I know I made you worry more with how I acted, but back then, I felt so much pain and anger, and it was overwhelming. ”
Milow’s expression softened, and she gently squeezed my thigh, a silent encouragement to keep going.
“I know I’ve done more damage than good sometimes, but I couldn’t go a day without fearing someone would try to hurt you again.
I thought you needed me to protect you from everything.
I’m sorry for making you feel like you weren’t strong enough, but now I see…
God, Milow, you’re stronger than anyone I know. I’m so sorry…”
She lifted her hand to my cheek when she saw the tears stinging my eyes, her thumb brushing gently over my skin as she shook her head.
[You did nothing wrong. Ever. I was scared I was going to lose you, but you caught yourself in the end. You deserve to be celebrated, even if others are hurting.]
And there she went again, using her hands to speak words so deep and honest that no one with a voice could ever match them.
“I still have no fucking idea how I deserve to call you mine,” I said, letting the tears finally roll freely down my cheeks. I was tired of holding them back.
She blushed as her hands moved again. [Things will work out for you, Ashby, and I won’t ever leave your side.]
“I know,” I said, smiling at her as I cupped her face in my hands. “But as long as I’m close to you, nothing else matters.”