12. Lilian
Chapter 12
Lilian
I jolt awake, gasping for air and drenched in sweat. The images fade, but a heaviness lingers in my stomach. Since the night in the bathroom, sleep has eluded me at night, and when I do manage to catch a few minutes of rest, it’s invaded by nightmares.
I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up. I’m running on fumes, and I’m afraid that if I don’t get some rest soon, I’ll crash and burn. And that is terrifying, but so is the thought of what might be waiting for me in my dreams. Red, always red.
I rub my temples, massaging the tension away, and glance at the clock. I have less than an hour before the next class, but the thought of facing a room full of sewing machines sends a chill through me.
I shouldn’t have enrolled. It’s a pathetic attempt to find out what it is that makes me panic about them .
My phone buzzes, and I click on the message.
Jason: I’m almost there.
I switch to the chat with Sebastian. The one I didn’t answer yet.
An image of him flashes behind my eyes, his strong hands around me and my body against his.
I bite my lip.
Am I fooling myself into thinking he wants something more?
I don’t know how to respond.
Dropping my phone onto the bed, I walk to the bathroom. I should shower and get ready before Jason arrives.
I pause at the mirror. My eyes are sunken, shadowed by dark circles, my face is pale, my lips dry, and my hair hangs limply around my shoulders. I look exhausted, and I am.
A yawn escapes my lips, and I splash cold water on my face. It’s not working. I’m so tired. The nightmares have been relentless lately, more vivid. As if they were punishing me for forgetting about them.
Sebastian made them go away.
The therapists said my nightmares are my subconscious, refusing to accept my parents’ death. Levi, my other brother, says trauma can manifest in strange ways, and being alone in that big mansion as a little kid while my parents lay dead in their wrecked car for no one to find till morning certainly qualifies.
Would it have been different if someone found them sooner? If I hadn’t been left alone for so long in the dark, waiting, not understanding why they never came home? Levi mentioned Mom’s obsession with red fabrics—is that why it’s always red in my dreams, staining everything like blood? But still… I can’t remember any of it. Fragments. Everything else I know is from what Uncle Marc, Landon, and Levi told me.
To be honest, I don’t even know if I want to remember. It’s easier not to miss them like this. This way, there is no pain, no grief for what I’ve lost. If I remember, it won’t just be the ache of abandonment but losing the two people I loved most in this world.
The thought of losing them again… I’m not ready. Not yet.
The shower does little to wash away the fatigue, but at least I’m clean. I dry my hair and style it into a ponytail, then change into my usual outfit—a plaid skirt and a sweater over my blouse.
I still look exhausted. Jason can’t see me like this, or he’ll report back to my brothers, and then it won’t take seconds until I’m back home. They promised to let me do this, but only if I’m well.
My phone buzzes again.
Jason: You even up yet? We’ll be late.
Lil: I’m up.
I almost put my phone aside, but curiosity gets the better of me, and I open VibeGrid again. The first photo that greets me is a selfie of Blake and Sebastian, posted mere seconds ago, with the caption ‘My boy Bash ?’
Her boy? Are they together again? Is it because I ignored him ?
The bile is rising in my throat, and I manage to open the lid of the toilet in time. When the spasms finally cease, I rinse my mouth.
Is she what Sebastian wants? Someone more outgoing, more daring, more… everything?
I feel like I’ve been transported into one of my beloved regency novels, where the dashing duke has cast aside the naive heroine for a more alluring and experienced woman.
In those stories, the heroine would pine away, her heart shattered, while the duke continued his libertine ways. She would suffer in silence, her love unrequited, until some dramatic turn of events would finally open the duke’s eyes to the error of his ways.
But this isn’t a novel. He chose Blake. She’s everything I’m not - confident, self-assured, unafraid to go after what she wants. Maybe she’s the kind of woman a man like Sebastian needs, someone who can keep up with him, challenge him, excite him.
And maybe I’m just the naive little girl who got in over her head, who thought a few heated moments meant something more than they did. The foolish heroine who let herself believe that a rake could change, that he could want her for more than just a fleeting conquest.
Guess I should be thanking her again…
In the novels, this could be the moment where the heroine pulls herself together, determined to win back her man and prove her worth .
But I’m not that heroine. I’m just Lil. And right now, all I want to do is curl up with one of those novels and lose myself in a world where love always finds a way, even if it seems impossible.
I huff.
Okay. I can do this. I can make it through this day. I can fake being okay.
With some concealer, I hide the dark circles and apply some blush to look less pale. That should do.
I drop my phone onto the bed and curl up under the covers once more. My mind and body ache with a bone-deep tiredness. The nightmares are the only thing I can count on.
The door bursts open, and Jason strides in. “You’re going to be late again.”
I sit up and wipe my eyes. “Sorry. Let’s go.”
He frowns, coming over to sit beside me on the bed. “How much sleep did you get this night?”
“Enough.” I avoid his gaze, not wanting to discuss it. He’ll only lecture me again.
“What’s really going on with you lately? You’ve been acting strange for the last few days. First showing up at my football practice, walking around like a zombie, and now this.”
My throat tightens. I know Jason cares and only wants to help, but how can I possibly tell him about Sebastian? Is there even something to talk about?
“Everything is fine,” I say .
Jason sighs. “Come on, get ready for class. I’ll walk you there.”
I hesitate, then nod. The thought of facing Sebastian makes my stomach twist into knots. At least with Jason there, I’ll have a buffer. I even stayed away from the library. But now that Sebastian has Blake, I don’t need to avoid it anymore, right?
I stand up and walk over to my desk, prepping my bag.
“Jay?”
“Yeah?”
“Please stop bursting into my room. We’re not kids anymore.”
“Whatever you want. I’ll wait outside.” He leaves the room, leaving me alone again.
My gaze drifts back to my phone, Sebastian’s message taunting me. I should delete it, block his number, and forget he ever existed. But I can’t make myself do it, clinging instead to the fading threads of what he made me feel, as pathetic as that is.
A knock at the door makes me jump. But it’s only Ju peeking in. “Everything okay in here?”
“Fantastic.” I grab my bag.
“That bad, huh?”
“You and Jason were right about him. Sebastian, I mean.”
“Did you hook up with him?”
“Not exactly hook up, hook up.”
Ju walks over and hugs me. “I’m sorry. Don’t waste another second thinking about that jerk. He doesn’t deserve it.”
“Yeah. ”
“Jason is waiting outside. Maybe he’s your prince charming?”
“No, he is just a friend.”
“I see. So, uhm, you wouldn’t mind if I take my shot with him?”
“With whom? Jason?”
“Yes.”
“No. Go ahead.”
“Great.” She beams, doing a little jump. “Anyway, he looked concerned, so try to be nicer to him.”
“Did he ask you to talk to me?”
“Maybe.” She shrugs and leaves the room.
I follow, finding the person in question sitting on the couch. “Ready?”
As we walk across campus, Jason fills the silence with light chatter about his classes and football practice. I nod along, only half listening.
“Coach finally let me try out as a wide receiver. It was pretty intense, but I think I did well,” Jason says.
“Really? That’s great.”
Why does the thought of him with someone else make me feel so… empty?
“Lil?” Jason’s concerned voice breaks into my brooding. “Did you hear what I said?”
I stop in my tracks and realize Jason isn’t beside me and turn around. He’s standing a few feet away.
“Sorry, what did you say?” I ask .
“Are you sure you’re up for class today? We could skip?”
“Skip?”
“Until now, your brothers would have killed me. But here. They won’t know, right?”
True, the second Jason would have been a bad influence and made me skip school, he’d definitely be on Levi and Lan’s shitlist.
“No, it’s fine.”
“Lil.” He touches my arm gently. “You can talk to me. You know that, right?”
“There’s nothing to talk about.” I pull away from his touch. “Can we just go? I don’t want to be late.”
“Alright.”
We arrive at the science building with a few minutes to spare. Jason walks me to the lecture hall, rambling about new plays the football coach wants to try at their next practice.
When we reach the entrance, Jason turns to me. “I’ll swing by your dorm later, okay?”
“Sure.” I force my happy face back on.
No matter how hard I try, Sebastian’s face keeps haunting me, along with Blake’s smile, like spectral images forever imprinted on my consciousness.
I slump into my usual seat at the middle of the room, bracing myself for the longest day of my life.