33. Lilian
Chapter 33
Lilian
“Does it hurt much?” My fingers tremble as they gently roam over each cut and bruise on Sebastian’s handsome face.
When I heard about the fight, I grabbed my bag and came straight here. All I could think about was him.
The skin around his eye is swollen and discolored, a painful-looking purple that makes my heart ache. I probe over the split in his bottom lip with my fingertips, remembering how soft they felt against mine not so long ago.
Can we ever go back to the way things were?
I look up into his eyes, and I’m struck. The usual vibrant green of his irises is dull, almost lifeless, with only the faintest flickers of gold remaining. It’s as if the light inside him has been extinguished, replaced by a numb emptiness.
“Not as much as seeing you with him,” he says.
“What? ”
Sebastian doesn’t answer right away and keeps looking at me with those haunted eyes like he’s searching for something he’s lost. When he finally speaks, his voice is rough and raw with emotion. “You and Jason. Are you together now?”
“What? No.” I step closer. “I was just worried about him. About… both of you.”
He looks down. “Right. Because you care so much about me.”
“I do care about you. More than I should.” And despite everything.
Tears blur my vision as he meets my eyes again.
“I’m sorry.” His thumb sweeps away the tear that escaped. “I should have told you the truth from the beginning. But I was afraid… afraid of losing you.”
“I’m still here, aren’t I?”
“Yes. You’re here. But you’re not with me.”
“I—”
“Fuck our families. I don’t care about their history or their grudges. I only care about you.”
“Sebastian.” His name escapes my lips, barely a whisper.
“I know, Lil. I know I fucked up. But I love you. I’m in love with you. And I’ll do whatever it takes to prove it to you, to make you see that what we have is real.”
The words hang in the air between us as I bite my lips, tasting the blood on my tongue.
“Will you let me use my pretend card?” he asks. “One day? An evening? ”
He looks so defeated, and it breaks me. I don’t need to pretend. I want to throw myself at him and kiss him.
That’s the problem.
Because what if… what if, in the end, he decides to leave me too?
His hand falls limply to his side. “Go take care of your Jason.”
The words are a slap to my face, and I clutch his wrist tighter, scared of losing the last connection we have.
It’s over. Isn’t it?
I tried to imagine how it would be, that it would be better that way, but it’s not. Again, I wasn’t able to make the decision. Only this time, it’s not because someone else took it from me, but because I was unable…
Why?
Why can’t I say yes, at least?
I don’t want to lose him.
“Seb—”
“Lil?” Jason calls out.
Sebastian removes my hand and walks past me.
I stand there frozen, listening to his fading footsteps.
This is the moment in my novels where the lady would be brave enough to fight for her duke, to tell him how she truly feels before it’s too late.
But somehow, the novels never mention this numbing feeling that spreads through my body, paralyzing me. My feet are rooted to the ground, and my tongue feels heavy in my mouth, unable to form the words I so desperately want to say.
In the stories, the heroine always finds the courage to speak her truth, to bare her soul to the man she loves. She would chase after him, her skirts billowing behind her as she runs, calling out his name until he turns to face her.
And then, in a breathless declaration, she would confess her love for him, society and family feuds be damned. The duke would take her in his arms, and they would share a passionate kiss, sealing their fate as star-crossed lovers who fought against all odds to be together.
I let out a bitter laugh. I’m just a girl standing in a hallway, watching the man I love slip away because I’m too afraid to take a chance on us. So I stay silent, even as every fiber of my being screams at me to go after him, to take that leap of faith.
“Lil? You coming back?” Jason peeks out of the infirmary.
Back to reality. I nod and wipe my eyes as I return to Jason, who sits at the same spot, ice pack pressed to his eye.
I frown. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.”
“What happened?”
“Bash just came at me. Started going on about how this was all my fault, that I was the reason you left him.” Jason shrugs, avoiding my gaze. “Before I knew what was happening, he hit me.”
Reaching out, I gently brush the hair back from his forehead. “I’m really sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen. ”
“None of this is your fault. Sebastian’s always been jealous of what we have.”
Jealous. It’s not like Sebastian to lash out like this. Not until now, at least. But then again… Why did he think Jason and I would be together? Wait.
“What we have?” I ask.
“Being childhood friends.”
“Mh. Just keep away from him. Don’t prov—”
Jason scoffs. “You think it’s my fault?”
“No. I… I’ll walk you to your dorm so you can rest.”
Jason covers my hand with his. “Do you want to stay for dinner tonight? I can make us something to eat.”
“I can’t. I have some studying I need to finish.”
“Are you going to him?” Jason stands up.
“No.” Probably. Definitely. Yes.
I walk Jason to his dorm, where he tries to convince me to stay for dinner, but I can’t focus on anything he’s saying. All I can think about is the broken look in Sebastian’s eyes when he walked past me. After three no’s, he gives up, and as soon as I’m out of sight, I break into a run back to my dorm.
What am I doing? Sebastian hurt me. He lied to me. Why am I even considering this?
I push open the door and head straight for the kitchen, grabbing my apron off the hook. I tie it around my waist with shaking hands.
Baking. And while I do that I’m going to decide if I’ll bring them to Sebastian or eat them all myself and wallow in self-pity. Maybe share them with Gemma and Mary because otherwise, they would kill me if they knew.
I gather all the ingredients for my signature chocolate cupcakes, measuring and mixing on autopilot.
Part of me wants to run to him, to tell him that I’m sorry for pushing him away, that I don’t care about our families’ history, and that I want to be with him. But the other part of me is scared of trusting someone who’s already lied to me once.
Fantastic. Why does this have to be so complicated?
I scoop the dough onto the baking sheet and place the tray into the oven.
He’s crawled his way into my heart, whether my family likes it or not.
I lean against the counter, staring at the timer as it counts down the minutes. Twelve minutes until the cupcakes are done. Twelve minutes to decide what I’m going to do.
Do I go to him, risk everything for a chance at something real? Or do I stay here, safe in my little bubble? Hiding away.
Just in case, I should bring something for his bruises, right? I rummage through the bathroom until I find some arnica cream and go back into the kitchen.
He made me happy. He made the nightmares go away, and he didn’t push me into anything I didn’t want. He listened, noticed little details, and held me close every night… I miss him. All the time. Would someone who only wanted to use me do all that ?
The timer dings, and I know exactly where I’m supposed to be.
I pull the tray out of the oven, the smell of warm chocolate filling the kitchen.
I want Sebastian. I want us.
It’s time.
Before I can second-guess myself, I grab a box, fill it with cupcakes, put it in a bag with the cream, and head for the door.
I don’t know what I’m going to say to him. I don’t know if he’ll even want to see me after, well, two hours ago. But I have to try.
Because despite everything, despite our families and their history, despite the lies and the secrets…
I love him, too.
After a short walk, shorter than I remember, I stand in front of the frat house. The box of cupcakes is heavier than usual, like it’s filled with all the words I want to say but can’t find the courage to.
I pace back and forth on the sidewalk. What if he doesn’t want to see me? What if I’m too late? Maybe this is a mistake.
“Lil?”
I spin around.
“What are you doing here?” Brandon stands in the doorway.
“I, uh.” I clutch the box tighter.
Brandon’s eyes flick down to the box, then back up to my face. “Those for him?”
I nod .
“About damn time.” He jerks his head towards the door. “Come on.”
I hesitate, my feet glued to the sidewalk.
Brandon sighs and walks over to me, placing a hand on my shoulder. “Look, Lil. I know you two have had your issues, but trust me when I say he’s been a fucking mess without you.”
“Really?”
“Really. So, please bring back my best friend.”
I flex my hands to stop the trembling and follow Brandon into the house. The music is loud, the bass thumping through the walls. People are everywhere, drinking and laughing. I don’t belong here.
Connor appears at the foot of the stairs, blocking our path.
“Con,” Brandon says.
Connor scoffs, shaking his head. “She’s already done enough damage, don’t you think?”
His words cut deep, but the memory of Sebastian’s bruised face… I refuse to back down. Not this time. “Please.”
Brandon steps forward, placing a hand on Connor’s chest. “Let her through, man.”
Connor’s jaw clenches, but he steps aside. I nod at Brandon, grateful for his support, and rush up.
I pause outside Sebastian’s door, my hand hovering over the wood. There’s no sound, no light underneath the door. Is he asleep?
“Sebastian?” I knock softly. “It’s me. Lil. ”
There’s no response. I knock again, louder this time, calling his name. Still nothing.
“Uhm, I-I brought cupcakes. I only had chocolate, so I hope that’s okay. Well, I never did any other sort, so I always only have chocolate. The flour was almost empty.” I pause. “Baking cupcakes without flour would have been a mess. But luckily, it was enough.” I nudge closer to the door, trying to hear anything. Or, in this case, nothing. “I’m sorry. I’ll just leave.”
The door opens so suddenly that I stumble forward into a solid chest. Sebastian looms over me, his face hidden in the shadows of his hoodie.