21
The following weekend—a very rare work-free weekend for me, which I planned to use to get some painting done, after I’d given myself the luxury of a lie-in—Inga phoned at nine o’clock in the morning.
As soon as I answered, she jumped right in with what she wanted to say without bothering with any chit-chat. “Lil, I am so, so sorry for being such a bitch to you the other day.”
“That’s okay,” I began, but she interrupted me, her words splurging out in a frantic rush.
“No, it’s not. It’s not okay at all. Especially as I’m about to beg you to come over to take the baby out for a little bit. I don’t care if you’re better at looking after him than me. I don’t sodding well care if you’re a former nanny to the royal fucking family. In fact, it would be good if you had been, because I bloody well need you, Lily. I’m so goddamned tired. My eyelids feel sandpapered. I practically need nails to keep them open. If I don’t get some sleep soon, I’m going to go crazy. He just won’t sleep, Lily. He won’t sleep.”
“Of course I’ll come,” I said, mentally closing my studio door until another day. “If you’re really sure you want me to.”
“Lily, I’m surer than the surest thing on the planet. That’s how sure I am.”
“Okay, I’ll be with you in an hour.”
When I arrived at her flat, Inga was cradling Noah in her arms. She looked as if she hadn’t slept since the last time I’d seen her.
“Thank you so much for this, Lily.”
I reached out to take the baby from her. “Are you sure everything’s all right? Has the midwife checked him over?”
“Yes, yes, clean bill of health.”
“And what about you? No chance you’ve got the baby blues?”
Inga shrugged wearily. “Can we talk about it later, after I’ve had some sleep?”
It was a crisp, sunny day. I decided to head to the park because there was a café there.
Noah fell asleep on the way and was still sleeping when we got there, which meant I could stroll peacefully along the paths beneath the trees and past the herbaceous borders with their last blooms of the season. As I walked, I did my best to stay in the moment, to absorb the autumn colours and enjoy the sunshine on my face, not to think about the last time I’d been there—to meet with Alex after our split—or to worry about not getting paintings done for the exhibition, or whether Inga needed professional help or not. Trying just to drink in the colours and the sunshine and the feeling of satisfaction that Noah was, for the moment, content.
I hadn’t seen or heard from Matt since our trip to Nottingham, and I wondered whether he’d heard about the job in Spain or not. Maybe I should call him, find out. If he didn’t have anything much on this weekend, perhaps we could meet up.
I took my phone out of my bag and found his number, then hesitated before hitting the call button. He’d have called me if he had any news, wouldn’t he? And he was hardly going to want to spend time with me when I had Noah in tow. Inga might need me to care for him for a bit longer than just this morning. And Matt and I had only seen each other a few days ago, after all. If he did get the job in Spain, there’d be weeks, or maybe months between our meetings.
I stood beside the steps to the ornamental pond, still undecided, wondering how things had suddenly become so complicated, impatient with myself for overthinking it. Matt could either say yes or no to us meeting up. What was the problem? And if he couldn’t meet up, I could get on with some painting the way I’d planned to this weekend after I’d returned Noah.
The weather decided the issue for me, the heavens suddenly opening, forcing me to make a run for it to the café, hoping against hope all the way that Noah wouldn’t stir in the changed surroundings. But of course he did, almost immediately, so I quickly ordered my coffee and retreated to a table in a far corner in the vain hope we wouldn’t disturb people too much there. Then I took a now wailing Noah from his buggy and held him to me, rocking him slightly and crooning into the soft down of his hair.
When someone approached the table, I assumed it would be one of the serving staff with my coffee. But it wasn’t. It was Alex, of all people, with a baby strapped to his front.
“Alex!” I said, stunned, my eyes riveted by the baby.
“Hi, Lily,” he said, smiling down at me, his gaze moving curiously to Noah. “Is this ...?”
“This is Noah, Inga’s son.” I moved the baby slightly so Alex could see his face. Saw Alex’s surprise that the baby was mixed race. “Wow,” he said finally. “He’s gorgeous. Well done, Inga.”
“I’ll pass that on to her,” I said, looking once again at the pink-dressed bundle against his chest.
“This is Lola.”
Well, how bloody awesome. Alex now had everything he’d always wanted. And I wasn’t bitter about being so easily wiped from his life. No, not at all.
I stretched my mouth into a smile. “Congratulations, Alex.”
“Thanks.” He indicated the spare chair at my table. “Mind if we join you?”
It was the very last thing on earth I wanted. But I heard myself speaking lightly, saying, “If you’re sure you want to. Hopefully, he’ll settle soon, but if not, I’ll have to take him home, I guess. Inga’s been breastfeeding so far.”
Alex shook his head. “Gosh, it’s all so grown up, isn’t it? I would never have put Inga and breastfeeding in the same sentence this time last year.”
Me neither.
“I’ll just go and order.”
By the time Alex got back, I’d managed to rock Noah to sleep again. If only my mind was as peaceful. I wasn’t looking forward to chatting with Alex at all.
“I’m impressed,” Alex said. “I’d have been in a state of panic if it had been Lola crying like that.”
“He isn’t my baby, though, is he? That must make it easier.”
He nodded, acknowledging the truth of that. “How is Inga?”
I didn’t feel like sharing Inga’s current state of desperation with him, so I said simply, “Tired. How about Fliss?”
A shadow crossed Alex’s face; a shadow that gave me a sense that all was not paradise with Alex’s new relationship. It was mean for that to give me a flicker of pleasure, but it did.
“Same. Tired, emotional, inclined to snap at me over the slightest thing. I’m actually amazed she let me bring Lola out on my own, to be honest. She finds fault with most of what I do for the baby.” He sighed. “But you probably don’t want to hear about all that.”
I didn’t. And yet, at the same time, I did. The way you might want to pick at a wound to see whether it has really healed.
Noah stirred in his sleep, and, after a moment, began to cry. I put him over my shoulder to massage his back, aware of Alex across the table, watching my every move.
“What?” I asked as Noah’s eyes closed again.
He shrugged, smiling that lopsided smile of his. “Nothing. You’re just a natural, that’s all.” He looked down at his own beautiful daughter, dropping a kiss on top of her head. “I just wish ...”
“Don’t,” I interrupted him before he could say more, unable to bear the prospect of him raking over the coals of us having children together again. “You have what you wanted now, Alex. Look at her; she’s absolutely gorgeous.”
He nodded. “She is. Fatherhood is amazing. It’s just such a tragedy that Mum couldn’t be here to meet her.” Tears filled his eyes. Began to slide down his face.
Oh, God.
Alex wiped the tears away with the back of his hand.
“She would have been besotted, your mum,” I said.
More tears. “She would, wouldn’t she? It’s so sad that this little one will never know her.” He sniffed, looking at me with reddened eyes. “Fliss can’t really understand that, I don’t think. The way I can be so sad and so happy at the same time. It makes her ... impatient.”
I didn’t fucking want to talk about Fliss, but somehow heard myself saying something comforting as if I were some superhuman patron saint of cheering up ex-boyfriends. Habit, maybe. Alex and I had been together for a long time, and for years I’d been the one to cheer him up when he needed cheering up. It had been hard not to be able to do that when his mother died.
“Maybe Fliss has never lost anybody.”
“She hasn’t, that’s it. Or a part of it, anyway.” He shook his head. “I don’t know, this all happened so quickly, there was no time to really get to know each other.”
My coffee had gone cold. And suddenly my superhuman powers abandoned me. There was no more free space in my heart or my mind to listen to Alex’s sob story about his relationship. Noah would soon wake up and need Inga. It was time to go.
“I’m sorry, Alex,” I said, doing my very best not to jolt Noah as I stood up. “I’ve got to go.”
“Lily, wait.”
I got to the café door with the buggy, still holding Noah against my chest. A woman opened the door for me, and I smiled, thanking her. Got outside, thanking the weather gods that it had cleared, and walked quickly away. Or, as quickly as I could do, holding a baby to my chest and pushing a buggy with one hand.
Unsurprisingly, Noah woke up again and began to cry. No doubt I was clutching him too tightly.
“Shh, it’s all right, little one,” I said, stopping to lower him into his buggy, covering him with his fleecy blanket.
Alex caught up with me. “Look, I’m sorry,” he said. “Can we just walk together for a bit?”
I glanced up at him. Saw that he had a lot more he wanted to say. Decided I didn’t want to hear any of it. “No, sorry,” I said, “I have to get this little one home. Inga will be wondering where we are. See you around, Alex, and congratulations again.”