26
I went round to see Inga a few hours later.
She came to the door in her dressing gown, holding Noah, no make-up on. This wasn’t an unusual state of affairs since she’d had Noah, but I knew, whether she’d wanted Harry to turn up on her doorstep or not, there was no way she’d have been pleased for him to see her like that.
She turned her back on me and went inside without a word, leaving the door open.
I followed her, closing the door behind me.
“Inga, I—” I began to say but broke off as Noah began to cry.
Inga jiggled him on her hip, turning to face me. “I can just about get you dropping hints to Matt the way you did, even though it did make the shit well and truly hit the fan. But Harry ... How bloody dare you, Lil?”
I’d seen Inga angry before, plenty of times. But never like this. Never with me.
I was suddenly chilled right through. “I’m sorry, Ing, I just ...”
“This is my life, in case you’ve forgotten.”
“I know that.”
“Do you, Lil? Do you, really? Because you seem hell-bent on sticking your nose into it.”
Noah’s cries were really loud now.
“It wasn’t like that,” I tried to explain. “Look, I know I shouldn’t have said anything. I didn’t plan to.”
She turned her back on me again, heading towards the sofa. “Oh, well, that’s all right, then, isn’t it?” she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. “If you didn’t plan to.” She sat down, opening her robe to feed Noah.
I watched, feeling utterly miserable, terrified I’d gone too far this time. That our friendship wouldn’t survive this latest interference. Noting, too, how confidently Inga dealt with Noah now. How easily he latched on. How far the two of them had come these past few months. Feeling proud of her.
“I realise my life must seem pretty fucked up to you at the moment,” she said bitterly, still not looking up. “I’m sure you’ve got all sorts of opinions about what I’m doing wrong with Noah.”
It was so absolutely the opposite of what I’d just been thinking that I shook my head, gaping at her. “No, Ing! That’s not true at all.”
“Of course it bloody is. Why wouldn’t it be when I’ve asked you for help so often?” She wiped a tear from her cheek angrily. “And I’m grateful to you for all you’ve done. I am. But I really feel as though the two of us are getting there now, you know?”
She looked up, her face vulnerable, despite her strong words. “So I didn’t need you to send Harry fucking hell, why didn’t you tell me Brown round here. You had absolutely no right.”
I sank into the armchair opposite her, utterly wretched. “I know. I know I didn’t. And I’m so sorry.”
“So, what made you do it, Lil? Because I’m struggling to understand here. I thought we were friends.”
“We are. Of course we are.” I closed my eyes. Opened them again. “It was a stupid impulse. Speaking before thinking.” I shook my head. “Life’s been really shit lately, Ing. A lot of crap stuff’s been happening.”
“First fucking time I’ve heard about it.”
I sighed. “I didn’t like to bother you,” I said. “You’ve got enough on your mind at the moment.”
“Oh, so you decided to shut me out of your life because you think my feeble baby brain wouldn’t be able to cope, is that it?”
Had that been it? Possibly. I had wanted to shield Inga from more stress. But it was more than that, though, wasn’t it? Misery had made me withdraw inside myself, responding to a deep-seated instinct to deal with shit by myself. And the irony was that, by doing that, by not being open, I’d put my friendship with Inga at risk.
“I have been really worried about you, Ing,” I started to say, but she cut through my words, not in the mood to listen.
“So tell me, Lil,” she said. “What was so bad in your life you opened me up to potential custody claims and being forced to let somebody else have a say in making decisions about my son?”
I stared at her. “Harry wouldn’t do anything like that,” I said, horrified. “Would he?”
She shrugged. “Who knows? He might. And before you fucking dare say he’s got a right to play a part in Noah’s life, I’ll say it again. My life. My decision.”
I did think it would potentially be better for little Noah to know his father. But she was absolutely right. It was nothing to do with me. And if I’d only stayed quiet, Inga might have got round to telling Harry about Noah herself.
“You know,” she said, “sometimes I think you’re jealous of me. Oh, I know you talk about not wanting to have a child, but I’ve seen the look on your face sometimes when you hold Noah. Like you’re transported somewhere.”
I was. Straight back to my childhood. To Violet.
“Actually, I think you’ve always been jealous of me,” she went on.
I frowned. “Ing, where is all this coming from?” But I knew, deep down in my gut, even before she spelt it out for me.
“Me and Matt. You’ve always been jealous of me and Matt. Following him everywhere with your eyes. Having special chats. Laughing together. Even when you were with Alex.”
My heart was suddenly beating very quickly. “That’s not true,” I said, even though I couldn’t guarantee 100 percent that it wasn’t. Not with everything that had happened lately. Things I’d kept from Inga, not because I didn’t want to burden her at all, but because I was ashamed. Because I knew, deep down, she’d feel exactly this way. “We were all close.”
“We were,” she agreed. “But you’ve always wanted more. Maybe that’s why you told Matt I was pregnant, eh? To sabotage the two of us.”
Anger suddenly spewed up inside me. “You sabotaged your relationship with Matt all by yourself by sleeping with Harry,” I said, the loudness of my voice disturbing Noah from his milk-induced slumber.
Inga got to her feet, holding him against her shoulder, her face red with anger. “Whatever. I can’t deal with this right now. Any of it. Because, as it happens, you were right. I have got a lot on my mind. Which you’d know, if you hadn’t sent Harry round here, because when he turned up, I was just about to phone you. To tell you my uncle Erik called to tell me Mum’s cancer’s spread. That she’s only got a few weeks left to live. I’ve got to get me and Noah to Denmark to see her.”
My anger vanished as quickly as it had arrived. “Oh, Inga, that’s awful. I’m so sorry.”
She nodded. “Yeah, it’s shit. So, anyway, I need to get showered and dressed. Get a flight booked. So, if you don’t mind ...”
Five minutes ago I’d have offered to take care of Noah while she did those things. But it was obvious that, right now, this was the very last thing she wanted me to do.
So, I stood, wondering whether we’d ever be able to get our friendship back on track after this, feeling sadder than I could remember being in a long time. Which, since I’d been feeling very sad lately, was saying something.
“I guess I’ll leave you to it, then.”
“Okay.”
“I hope it—well, I hope it’s not too awful. I ... I’ll be thinking about you.”
Inga kept her gaze fixedly on Noah’s dark, curly head. “Thanks.”
I walked to the door. “Bye, Ing.”
“Bye, Lily.”
Then I left, closing the door very quietly behind me.