Chapter 30
HANNAH
I skip breakfast and use the Maya method and hide out in my cabin, taking a long shower and throwing on a pair of comfortable sweats, then braiding my wet hair.
Noah probably won’t care that I skipped our morning session, and honestly, he’s not getting anywhere, so a break—mostly for me—is necessary.
I stare at myself in the mirror, observing my laugh lines and a minuscule wrinkle or two around my eyes, but no matter how hard I try to distract myself, I think of Noah’s offer and what that might entail.
Noah is a man who walks around like he’s some god reincarnated, so sure of himself that my answer is an automatic no.
I have never loathed someone as much as Noah, with his sarcastic drawl, his cocky personality, right down to those—and I’ll deny it if anyone asks—gorgeous good looks.
He thinks any girl will fall at his feet, worshiping the ground he walks on.
And offering me an outlet for my sexual needs…
the last time anyone has touched me so intimately was Liam…
and the mere thought of his hands on my body forces a nervous shiver down my spine.
Liam knew my body, knew the lines and creases of every imperfection across my skin, until he became ashamed of it, disgusted, even.
My hands travel to my midsection, where my belly sits, mocking me for how hard it is to lose weight from that area.
To let another man touch me, explore my tainted body, for someone as perfectly fit as Noah…
we don’t match in equal parts, and it scares the living shit out of me.
I drum my fingers on the counter, teetering on an alternative path, if I did say yes. It’s been months since I’ve done anything sexual, let alone to myself, not finding the urge to because of my self-doubt, being repulsed by my own body.
Who wants to touch a girl with all these rolls and cellulite? Who would find an attraction enough to want to do anything sexual with me? I roll my neck, feeling the tension return to my shoulders.
If I did give him a yes, what’s the harm in letting go and feeling for once without the expectations of a relationship? He did say to think of it as a transaction.
My god, why am I even entertaining the idea?
He’s so…frustrating and rude and literally has a new girl attached to his hip every day.
I can only imagine if he’s contracted any sexually transmitted diseases.
Liam was so safe and careful…before my diagnosis. He became a different person altogether in the end.
Tears prick at the backs of my eyes at memories of us, bodies intertwined, one clothed in doubt, the other free from insecurities.