Eight #2
When he has the quiche in the oven and the timer set on his phone, Adak offers me his hand again. This time, he leads me out back, where his yard faces a field. As we sit on the porch swing, a plane practically takes out the roof as it prepares for landing.
Adak chuckles as I watch with amazement. I can’t even see the airport from here, but it’s there. Just beyond the trees in the distance.
“How do you sleep with all that noise?” I ask.
He grins as he slides a little closer and brings his arm around my shoulders. I lean into him, soaking up his warmth. “I don’t hear it much inside. The insulation is phenomenal.”
After a minute, Adak once again brings my face to his. This time, he doesn’t let me go as he cups the side of my face and brushes his thumb gently over my cheekbone. I feel so… seen. Like he likes what he sees.
“I want to talk to you about something,” he says.
I nod, my stomach tying in knots. “From the moment I spotted you in the crowd, I could feel something inside me pulling me toward you. I love your energy and your smile. Your kind, humble heart. I love how we can talk easily and get along as if we’ve known each other a lot longer than a few days. ”
I nod. While his words are all nice, I can’t help but feel scared. Adak stares into my eyes, his thumb brushing over my bottom lip.
“I could very easily fall for you, Oren. I’m confident that I’ve been waiting for you.”
There’s a chance that I may have squeaked, but I’m not owning up to that sound. Even as his lips quirk in a smile. The smile softens and he sighs.
“I’m asexual,” he says. “This has been a point of contention in all my relationships that always ends with one of us frustrated and resenting the other. I’ve spent a long time coming to terms with how this affects my life, which has resulted in me being single for a decade because I came to a point where I was no longer willing to force myself into a situation I wasn’t comfortable with. ”
I swallow, unsure what to make of this conversation. His gaze remains locked on mine, intense.
“You don’t like sex,” I say.
Adak smiles. “That’s not the crux of it, exactly.
I feel very differently about intimacy than most people do because I don’t feel attraction like most people.
To me, this , what we’re doing right now, is far more important and intimate to me than sex is.
However, I’m very aware that most people view sex as an integral part of a relationship. ”
“I’m a virgin,” I blurt. As soon as the words leave my mouth, my face burns like the sun and I close my eyes.
It’s really hard to have any kind of relationship—fake or real—when your father keeps you on a leash. I’ve given head twice, and received once. I’ve barely been kissed worth mentioning. That’s the limit to my sexual experiences. Hell, that’s all I have to show for relationship experiences!
When his lips brush mine, I nearly jump. My eyes snap open.
“There’s nothing wrong with that.”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to just spill everything I’ve tried to avoid saying about my family and my life as an explanation for why I’m a mid-twenties virgin. But I don’t. Even as I fill with shame and embarrassment. For now, I don’t want my family to interfere in my relationship.
If this is a relationship.
“I…” I don’t know what to say.
“I need to know what you think. Is this something we can work through together?” he asks.
“I guess I really don’t know what I’m missing,” I say.
He laughs, shaking his head.
Before I can stop myself, I ask, “Have you had sex before? I don’t know how this works—being asexual.”
Thankfully, Adak isn’t offended by my question.
He looks amused more than anything. “Yes. Plenty of times. When I was younger, I used to believe I was the problem and needed to be the one to compromise so I’d force myself to make my partner happy.
Which left me feeling gross and miserable.
Truth of the matter is, I rarely have the urge for sex and when I do, most of the time, I’d rather take care of it myself. ”
“Why?” I ask.
He shrugs. “Please believe me when I tell you that it has nothing to do with you or anyone else I’ve been with.
It’s an internal thing. Being with someone else that way creates a lot of pressure on me.
It’s frustrating and tense and leaves me feeling really…
” Adak sighs. “I don’t know. I used to say embarrassed.
Or maybe inadequate. But whatever that feeling is, it’s heavy and uncomfortable and I am certainly not left satisfied. ”
Adak brushes my lip again. “I need to know if this is something we can get through together. I don’t have it in me to fall in love with you for this to tear us apart.”
I don’t know why but tears fill my eyes so densely that I can barely see him when he says ‘fall in love with you.’ It takes me entirely too long to force them down and breathe.
“Do you like to cuddle?” I ask.
He brushes his lips against mine and my eyes immediately close. “I love to cuddle. Love to kiss. I love to hold hands.”
“Do you like to cuddle in bed?” I want to add ‘naked’ but I’m too scared.
“Yes,” he says. “I love the feeling of skin on skin.” His hand slides down my arm and he links our fingers together, palm to palm. “Most people believe that a lack of clothing and a bed is a guarantee for sex, so it’s not something I’ve done often.”
“I, um…” My voice trails off.
“If I promise we’ll talk about this often and you tell me exactly what you need, how do you feel about a relationship?”
Okay, there’s no denying the noise I make this time. It’s a combination of a whimper and a groan. But I follow it quickly with a nod. “I… I’ve never—I mean, will I never…? I don’t want you to resent me or anything, and I don’t want to put pressure on you, I just—” Words are hard.
“Open your eyes, Oren.” They open, but it’s a struggle. I’m looking into his warm brown depths now. “There are other things that we can do. Other ways to find pleasure. Sounds like you’re kind of a blank slate, which I think will benefit us both in this situation.”
“Because I don’t know what I’m missing?” I ask.
He chuckles again. “No. Well, I suppose. But it means we can define intimacy and pleasure together in a way that leaves us both feeling good without you… Okay, yeah. Knowing what you’re missing.”
I sigh. Honestly, the idea of sex is as exciting as it is terrifying and intimidating. What really has me excited is that Adak wants me. He doesn’t see the mess that I am, the pariah that my family thinks I am. He sees Oren Prosser, whoever I am.
And he wants me anyway.
I nod again. “Yes. I want you to fall in love with me.”
His smile is beautiful, then his mouth is over mine.
He kisses me in a way that I’ve never been kissed before.
I’ve made out exactly once, and it was… sloppy.
Awkward. Adak takes my breath in a way that makes me feel like he doesn’t want me to breathe on my own. He wants to share oxygen. Share life.
Which is exactly what I want. I melt into him as another plane roars overhead and his phone’s alarm goes off. For a minute, it goes unnoticed as we kiss.