Chapter Seventeen #2
I’d felt fine walking away from Victor’s office. I’d been okay as I climbed down curving stairs and stepped onto my floor. And I’d felt mildly unwell as I found my room and entered.
But the moment the door slammed behind me, the loneliness I’d been afflicted with my entire life pounced.
It pounced hard.
I barely made it to the toilet for the first convulsion.
A lifetime of being on my own crushed me with familiar pain.
Until four months ago, I’d never understood what I’d done wrong for my mother to recoil from me.
Why she flinched if I got too close. Why she looked at me with fear in her eyes.
For almost three decades, I thought I’d done something terrible.
Something I’d tried to apologise for but was never forgiven.
Thanks to her deathbed confessions, I finally understood she hadn’t been afraid of me—she’d been afraid of the man who sired me.
The man who’d donated this sickening piece of DNA that made it impossible to survive.
I wished I could throw it up—get it out of me.
I hated that even though I’d found out I had a brother, he would rather kill me for something I couldn’t control than teach me how to be better.
He didn’t care about me.
Just like my mother didn’t want me.
Once again, I’d been rejected, all under the guise of a test.
A test I’m failing...
I groaned as my body tried to purge itself of all the terrible things I’d done and all the things I would do.
The only thing I’d ever wanted was to belong.
And the only one to accept me was her.
A stunning girl with a fascination for gemstones and eyes like sunshine. She’d been the first and only to look directly into my soul and not send me away.
She’d touched me. Willingly.
She’d listened to me. Bravely.
And we’d made a bargain that didn’t just thread our futures together but our very fucking existence.
How fucking tragic.
How pathetic that I’d had to wait twenty-nine years to know what it felt like to be accepted, all while knowing I’d end up destroying her.
It hurt.
Goddamn, it fucking hurt.
With her, I wasn’t lonely. With her, I wasn’t unwanted. With her, I burned and ached and came apart at the motherfucking seams.
She looked at me as if I was worth something.
She didn’t cry as I fucked her like a slave.
She didn’t scream as I claimed her against her will.
I’d done what needed to be done.
And Christ...I’d enjoyed it.
Ah, shit.
I landed on all fours as my back rounded.
I retched again and again.
I’d fucked her.
I’d almost gone into cardiac arrest fucking her.
I suffered pains in places I didn’t even know existed and housed a heart that threatened to betray me if I didn’t fuck her again soon.
Her fragility and fear kept me grounded. Her trust and hope kept me fighting.
But...I couldn’t deny that something had snapped the moment I’d plunged inside her. I’d felt her flinch. Known I’d hurt her. And instead of withdrawing, I’d thrust deeper.
Her pain made me ten times harder.
A hundred times more desperate.
A thousand times more violent.
I crippled beneath images of taking her again.
I trembled with the need for more.
I wanted her tears, and blood, and screams—
Stop.
Spitting out a mouthful of bile, I sucked in a tattered breath.
The moment I’d sunk inside Ily, I’d come face to face with the awful knowledge that loneliness might be the cross I’d carried my entire life, but it’d also been the only thing keeping me in-line.
If I let myself even think about caring for her, the monster inside me roared.
Victor thought I had a crush?
Fuck no, I had an obsession.
I wanted to flay her alive and tear her into pieces.
Not because of the animal inside me, but because the man had finally tasted togetherness, and now he was fucking starving.
How long could I stay human?
How long before I broke?
A day?
A week?
An hour?
As long as it takes.
You last as long as it takes.
As the retching subsided, I stood and shoved my face under the icy water. I wished the shower could rinse my mind free from filth, but no matter how cold the water or how many frosty needles hit my face, I couldn’t get Ily out of my mind.
I craved her.
Needed her.
While she was mine, my loneliness faded just a little.
While Victor smirked and seduced me with his slaves and secrets, I dabbled with the idea of what if?
What if I never went back?
What if Q never welcomed me into his family?
What if I always remained alone out there when I could finally be someone in here?
I’d bought a stake in Ily’s wellbeing.
I owned her body and soul.
I didn’t have to tell Q where we were.
If I did, he’d take her away from me.
He’d set her free.
He’d shove me right back into the dark and everlasting emptiness.
Perhaps Victor was right. Maybe I felt things for Ily because I’d hunted and caught her on the last night of my humanity. Maybe my downfall into monster-hood was inevitable, and I should just stop fighting and give in.
Even if I found a way to get the GPS coordinates to Q and he slaughtered them all, that still didn’t treat the disease inside me. I could move to France and inherit a brother, but really...I would always have these urges. Always have this sickness. Always be trapped and alone and hurting.
Merde.
Pinching the bridge of my nose, I slid down the wall and sat on the shower floor.
I can’t...I can’t keep pretending.
Faking shit out there and faking shit in here.
I didn’t even know who I was anymore. Didn’t think I’d ever known because I’d been too shit-scared to be honest.
You could just stay here.
Keep Q’s money.
Keep her.
A blanket of calmness fell.
For a few seconds, I chose that path and felt peace.
I’d give anything to just...be me.
Unapologetically, authentically me.
And if that meant I was the villain, then...
Sighing heavily, I wrapped my arms around my knees. Water kept raining. Thoughts kept racing. Guts kept churning.
I didn’t know what I wanted anymore, but I couldn’t go back down there. I couldn’t face her. Couldn’t pretend to be the good guy for her and the bad guy for everyone else.
Not yet.
I needed time.
Time to remember that this wasn’t about me. This wasn’t meant to be a cure for my stupid rejected heart. This was about them. The men and women who’d been stolen and enslaved.
As long as I put them first, I could stay in the light.
As long as Ily didn’t fight me, I could stay good.
Live or die.
Love or loneliness.
My fate was decided the moment my mother gave birth to a monster.
One of these days, someone would put me down.
And when that day came, I wouldn’t have to struggle anymore.
I could rest.
Alone.
Always alone.
Forever...