Keeley #2
“Right? Gross. They were in the pool every night, laughing and screwing right outside my window.” I heard Carina swallow, felt the burning humiliation she must have experienced. But then she shook it off, cleared her throat, and explained, “That was hard to take. I struggled to regain my footing.”
“What did you do? How did you get back on your feet?”
She laughed, but it wasn’t humor, it was fondness. “I went and visited my best friend. Then I went on what was supposed to be a girl’s trip to Vegas, got drunk, married her son, and he knocked me up.”
I couldn’t help my laugh. I hadn’t expected her answer even though I knew it, in a nutshell, was exactly what had happened.
“That went a long way to helping me get over my ex,” she added.
“I’m sure it did.” I laughed again and realized I was smiling. The idea of getting under someone else to forget about your ex was so very tempting. But in my case, I was already too fond of Miller to contemplate even hooking up with him.
“What about you? Do you miss your ex?” she asked gently.
“I miss what we were. Or what I thought we were, anyway. I miss the company. Just having someone to come home to was nice, though he travelled a lot.” I groaned and added, “I miss adult conversations and me time too.” I pursed my lips and shrugged even though she couldn’t see me.
“But that's not really anything to do with Simon and me splitting. That's having a baby.”
“I get it. When Charlie came along, the script between us flipped again. It's exhausting and rewarding. So much fun and such hard work. Did I mention exhausting?” She laughed, and it ended on a sigh. “It’s so different at my age than what it was when Cara was a baby. But the main difference now is that I have so much support.” She didn’t give me a chance to be taken aback by her words before she continued.
“David never pitched in like Jacques, Trav, and Linc do, and I have Cara, Alec, and Monroe, as well as other friends. Do you have that? The support?”
“I do. Mom helps out all the time. Whenever I’m stuck working late, she picks Hannah up for me. It’s a huge help. It’s not the husband and roommates you have, but I make do.”
She snorted out a laugh and asked, “You don't actually believe they're our roommates, do you?”
I opened my mouth to tell her that I suspected there was a lot more to their relationship, but she continued.
“I trust you’ll keep our confidence, but there’s a reason why Charlie calls Jacques, Trav, and Linc variations of ‘Dad.’ We’re all together.
The boys have been in a relationship since college.
Then I came along and gate-crashed it and married Jacques.
It took a few months to sort ourselves out, but now the four of us are committed to one another and parenting Charlie together. ”
“I suspected,” I replied. But I hadn’t had any idea before Charlie came along.
Jacques had been attending pre-season barbecues and other events with the Seals for a few years now, and I’d never picked up on the fact that he was anything more than friends with his roommates.
Guilt ate at me. Jacques had his own reasons for not coming out, but if it was because the Seals didn’t feel like a safe place, then I was part of the problem.
Carina interrupted my spiraling thoughts when she added, “My point was that you need a good support network. Picking up Hannah from childcare is good, but what about ‘you’ time?”
“What ‘me’ time?” I asked rhetorically. I shook my head and admitted my biggest failing as a mom.
“I can’t ask Mom. It’s too much. She helps when I work late, and that’s often.
I shouldn't want to ask for a break from Hannah outside of when I’m working.
I barely get to see her as it is. I'm at work all day, away from her. When I’m off, I should want to be with her. ”
Carina made a noise that sounded a lot like disagreement.
“What's the saying—it takes a village? One of the things Cara taught me was that the quality of the time spent together is more important than the quantity. I worked more than a full-time job when Cara was little. I missed so much.” She paused and exhaled, the regret heavy in her voice.
“I was always exhausted, and I felt like all I did was drop balls, day in and day out.”
“Familiar,” I agreed. The weight of knowing I was making the same mistakes as others sat heavy.
“But Cara saw my dedication as inspirational. She said that it taught her to be a hard worker. She doesn’t remember the things I missed; she remembers the holidays we took to the beach when we built sandcastles together and the time or two I actually made it to her school assemblies to see her get an award.
Even though my memories are very different, she remembers me being present. ”
“I’m trying as best as I can. We go to the park, and I cook with Hannah sitting in her high chair in the kitchen. I sing to her, and we dance together.” My voice cracked, tears threatening to fall. I was doing everything I could, and I was still failing. I wasn’t good enough.
“You’re an amazing mum, Keeley.”
Her words washed over me like a balm, soothing the cracked and raw edges. I sucked in a breath, and the air tasted fresher, the weight on my chest easier to breathe through.
“Those things you do together will become memories that Hannah will treasure. But trust me when I say that you have to set some time to do things for yourself too. Don’t sacrifice your identity and your self-worth in a misguided attempt to prioritize Hannah.
You’ve got to keep things for you, too, so you can be at your best for her.
Working full time and being a solo carer is hard work. You need to recharge too.”
I shook my head, then asked, “When? Between work and doing everything us adults need to do, then spending time with Hannah, I don't have time.”
“You make time,” Carina explained.
I opened my mouth to tell her she was being ridiculous, but Carina spoke again.
“Well, I want to help you make time. That’s what I'm calling about. Miller came over and confided in Jacques that he was worried about you. I overheard them talking. I didn’t know you were struggling, but I wanted to tell you that I’m your friend.
I want to be part of your village if you’ll let me. ”
I should have known Miller wouldn’t just listen, that he’d try to fix things for me.
Anyone else, and I’d tell them to butt out, but he’d had been so caring and gentle with me.
He was concerned I was afraid of Simon, and he’d listened to me vent about all the things falling down around me.
I was grateful for that. He’d proven to me that he was paying more than lip service.
He actually cared enough to speak with the dad whose baby was closest in age to Hannah and ask for advice.
That meant more than I could voice out loud.
I asked Carina, “You do?”
She laughed, and I was surrounded by her warmth and caring even though she was probably miles away at their ranch. “Yes. Charlie could do with having a playdate. Can I come over and take Hannah for a few hours?”
“You don’t need to do this,” I whispered, on the edge of tears.
She hadn’t just voiced every one of the insecurities I held, she’d shattered them.
Just hearing her say that I was doing a good job meant the world.
Telling me I needed to keep something for myself so that I didn’t lose my identity was lifesaving too.
“I want to. If I come by in an hour, does that suit?
Linc and I will take Hannah for a few hours so you can do something for you.
Read a book, take a bath, go to the beach, hit the hookup apps for all I care.
Do something for you. No housework, no grocery shopping, no work.
I'll do the same thing next week so Charlie can have a friend her own age, and you get a break then too.”
I couldn’t help the tears falling now. A weight that I’d been carrying since the moment Simon dumped his news on me was lifted.
I wasn’t alone. Sure, I had my mom, but she had her own life, and I didn’t want to impose more than I already was.
Maybe it was the way Carina had framed her suggestion, but with her, I didn’t feel like I was a bother.
It felt like we were both gaining something out of it.
I’d really needed not to feel like charity.
I whispered past the lump in my throat, “Thank you.”
***
Carina arrived with Rusty about an hour later with Charlie in tow. Hannah had woken up moments earlier, and I’d changed her diaper and packed a bag for her. They were in and out within minutes with a promise to return in a few hours.
I walked around the house aimlessly, picking up a stray water cup and a few toys, then started the dishwasher and put a load of never-ending dirty laundry in the washer.
I couldn’t get over how quiet the house was without Hannah. I’d often been at home alone when I was with Simon, so it shouldn’t have been strange, but the stillness was jarring. It was even quieter than when Hannah was asleep.
I stripped the sheets off my bed and looked down at the pile in my arms. Carina’s words came back to me. Me time. These few hours were a chance for me to recharge and be my best for Hannah, not catch up on chores.
Exhaustion washed over me. I needed sleep, but that meant remaking the bed.
There was something that would do me more good anyway.
I dumped the sheets and changed into my workout gear, then went out to the garage.
It was the first time I’d opened the door in months.
I basked in the lights of my studio for a moment.
I’d laid flooring down and had a pole installed to create a space just for me.
I hadn’t used it since Hannah had come to live with me. But I was changing that right now.