Keeley
fourteen
My life had, once again, tilted on its axis in the space of twenty-four hours.
My telephone call with Simon felt like it was eons ago despite it only being the day before I’d hooked up with Spencer and Brayden.
Now, it was twenty-four hours after that, and I was supposed to be doing what I should have done in that conversation—telling Simon that there was no chance of us being together.
But he was running two hours late.
I’d given up on him coming around tonight. It wasn’t a bad thing—he wouldn’t get to disrupt my routine with Hannah, and I could still break it to him over the phone. I just wanted it over and done with now.
Hannah was having her final play before her bath time.
She was hitting her xylophone with the mallet, making nonstop noise and loving every moment of it.
Her blocks were spread out around her feet, debris from the car crash she’d caused.
It was chicken car—a toy that looked like a chicken with wheels that clucked every time she pulled it back and let it go.
I could never thank my mom enough for giving me that joyous piece of plastic with an apparently endless battery life.
It was hilarious though. The toy sent Hannah into fits of uncontrollable giggles every time she played with it.
I had almost thirty minutes of video on my cell phone just this time.
She dropped the mallet and waddled after the car while I quickly rebuilt the block building. “Ha ha,” I cried. “My building is invincible. Chicken car won’t succeed this time!”
Hannah looked at me with guileless brown eyes and a deadly serious face. “No, Mamá. Building’s broke.”
She pulled the toy back and let it rip. The car headed straight for the blocks, which crashed to the ground as the toy sped straight through them.
“Yay!” Hannah cried and pumped her little arms above her head.
“Oh no, chicken car wins again.”
Hannah erupted into giggles and chased after the car.
On her way through, she knocked the only block still standing onto the floor and cackled again.
She was adorable, precocious, and a little devil at the same time.
I loved every moment of this life we were living.
Having the privilege to love Hannah was a blessing.
I’d sought help from a therapist after Carina took Hannah that first time.
I’d only had a couple of video consultations, but it was helping.
So were the mindfulness exercises and meditation I was doing daily.
I knew I hadn’t caused Elise’s accident; I wasn’t responsible for her death.
No matter how much I’d wished I could have a baby, I didn’t have the power to change another person’s fate.
Logically I’d known it all along, but guilt worked in strange ways.
Even though I couldn’t change what happened, I did have the power to be there for the daughter who’d lost both her parents. I could and would love her and care for her for the rest of my life.
I wanted to give Hannah everything. I wanted to give her a family, a strong connection to her cultures, and a loving, safe home.
Getting back with Simon wasn’t the way to do it.
I just had to tell him that. I wasn’t scared or even nervous about our forthcoming conversation.
Now that I’d sorted out the mess in my head, I knew I was making the right decision.
The forthcoming conversation wasn’t even a blip on my radar at the moment.
The tickets for Spencer’s upcoming concert at the Fonda Theatre in LA were.
He’d messaged me this morning, inviting me.
The QR code that popped up only a second later was for six tickets, so I could bring some friends along too.
Seeing him play was temptation incarnate.
But it wasn’t only that. Work had been hectic over the past couple of weeks—it always was with the beginning of the season—and I’d hardly spent any time with Hannah.
Now I was thinking about going out overnight?
I knew Hannah would be okay if Mom looked after her, but....
I sighed as I watched my girl bang her toys together all while chewing on the rubber duck she’d retrieved from the bath. Mom guilt was a bitch.
As if that wasn’t enough, my going to the concert would further blur that line between Brayden, Spencer, and me.
Because, apparently, I lived in the fantasy land where a line still existed after having had their cocks inside me.
I really wanted to go.
So, so bad.
Screw it.
I called Carina.
“Hey, you, how are you?” she asked.
I sucked in a breath and launched straight in. “I haven't checked whether I can get Mom to look after Hannah, but if she can, do you want to go to Spencer’s concert in LA with me?”
“Hell yeah.”
“I’ll ask Cara, Kamirah, and Cleo, Rune’s girlfriend, too,” I said in a rush before I changed my mind.
Cleo hadn’t really spent any time with us, but I wanted that to change. She needed friends like Cara, Carina, and Kam, especially with what I’d spoken to Rune about. “Maybe we could make a girls’ night of it? I have six tickets.”
Carina checked her calendar and said, “Jaques, Trav, and Linc will all be home that night. Hannah knows them. I’m sure they'd love to look after her if your mum can't.”
“Thanks, Carina,” I whispered. “I don’t know what I did to deserve people like the four of you in my life.”
“I’m glad you and Hannah are in our lives, too, Keeley,” she responded quietly.
I could hear the smile in her voice. Her friendship was new, but I didn’t ever want to be without it again.
There was noise in the background—laughter and squealing—I’d obviously interrupted something. “I should let you get back to it.”
“Thanks for the invitation, Keeley.” She paused a moment, and the noise died down. “Hey, maybe—”
There was a knock at my front door. I walked over to it and checked the peephole. “Carina, I’ve got to go. Simon is here.” I sighed. “I have an awkward conversation ahead of me.”
“Message me once he’s gone, okay? Doesn’t matter how late.”
“Okay.” I nodded even though she couldn’t see me and added, “I’ll let you know.”
I opened the door but blocked the entrance. For the first time since we’d split, it hit me. I felt nothing for him. Not a single thing. It was eye-opening. I’d carried this hurt and anger with me for so long, but it was gone. I was utterly apathetic about him.
While I was analyzing my feelings, I looked him over. He was sweating, looking like he’d run a marathon, and was breathing like it too. But he had zero color in his cheeks—he was as pale as a ghost.
"Si,” I greeted, my concern making me hesitate. “Are you feeling okay?”
He waved me off. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
Hannah toddled over and wrapped her arms around my leg. “Mamá, who dat?”
I picked her up, and his smile was so genuine that I almost felt bad about my decision.
But I couldn’t agree to get back together with him.
Not when I knew it was the wrong thing to do.
I’d be miserable. I’d rather be single than stuck with him and his mistress in whatever the heck kind of relationship he was suggesting.
“Can I come in?”
“Sure.” I pushed the door open for him but didn’t bother waiting for him. I took Hannah into the living room and sat her back down on the rug. It was already past time for her bath, but it was going to have to wait a few minutes longer.
I heard the door close and Simon’s footsteps, and I watched him walk over to Hannah and smile again.
I tried to picture him here with us. But like before, I felt nothing.
No emotion, no wistfulness, nothing. I couldn’t see it.
I couldn’t picture him part of this family again.
I couldn’t imagine him living in my space, even only part of the time.
Instead, this feeling of wrongness washed over me and settled deep in my gut. I knew I’d made the right decision.
Hannah pushed her cart over to him and hit him in the ankles with it. I winced but at the same time bit back a smile. I was being petty, but his being hurt was satisfying revenge in my books.
“No,” he said sharply and picked Hannah up. He coughed and held her away from him, shaking her a little as he did.
Everything in me recoiled, protesting as he held her. She instantly burst into tears and kicked her legs frantically. I rushed over. I didn’t want his hands on her. In fact, I didn't want him anywhere near Hannah.
I grasped her under the arms and tugged her away from him, but as I did it, he clasped her hands and kissed them, then smiled warmly at her. That same wrongness hit me again.
“Hi, Hannah. I'm your dada.”
My hackles rose, the hair at my nape standing up. Hell no. This wasn’t happening.
I wrapped my arms around her and put myself between them, then placed her back down with her toys so she could keep playing. But that was the cue. She started fussing, the change to her routine already playing havoc with her.
“She wants me to hold her.”
“She wants to bathe, then go to bed,” I snapped and picked Hannah back up again. She put her thumb in her mouth and snuggled into me, resting her head on my shoulder. I smoothed a hand down her dark hair, soothing her, and swayed from side to side.
“Have you made a decision, Keeley? I think it’ll be great. I can’t wait to make you mine again and be a bigger part of Hannah's life.”
He coughed again, and I grimaced. It was a hacking, wet cough deep in his chest. He sounded like he was choking. I should be kicking him out, but I didn’t want him to pass out on the pavement either. I filled a glass of water and handed it to him while he continued talking.
“We should get the house listed straight away so we can find a place together. That way Hannah gets to grow up with all her parents, and—”
“All her parents?” I asked, my eyebrows hiked up around my hairline. “Does Amanda know she’s suddenly going to inherit a daughter too?”