13. Ben
THIRTEEN
Ben
O ur cowboy boots make their way through the tall grass. Mom and I are a good distance away from Sunflower when she asks, “Are you staying for lunch?"
I hug her. "I love you. Meant to tell you that last night."
Mom hugs me back, "I love you more than I can say, Ben. And I wish I could fix all of this for you."
"It's my mess to clean up."
We separate and I hesitate, then ask, “What's Willow's story?"
"She's nice, isn’t she? And she has a boyfriend. Your father overheard her at the airport.” Mom smiles, “I already asked. There's something about her I really like. Before Shelby arrived, she apologized for coming out onto the porch last night. Honestly, with all the chaos and me thinking about our retreat guests and how worried I was about you, it never occurred to me that they had come out on purpose to listen. I take it from her apology that it’s why they did it.” Thoughtfully she adds, "I wonder if she is interested in you."
My back straightens. "Do you think so?" Then I shake my head. "She has a boyfriend."
"So did I when your father and I…”
My thumbs jam into my jeans pockets as I think about it. "We were talking for a little while and it was hard for me to hear what she was saying because I was thinking, she’s so beautiful. ”
Mom smiles, “That's a good sign."
“It doesn’t matter. She’s not from around here. Or is she? She doesn’t live in Atlanta, does she?”
“No.”
“Where did she fly in from?"
"Venice, California."
"Shit."
Mom grins mischievously, “It's not better than New York."
Mom was living in Manhattan when she made a trip to Atlanta to see her folks who had just moved back here, to Georgia. My other set of grandparents I rarely see because of the drama that happened between them. Something I didn't find out until I was an adult, and something I try not to think about whenever I go to the barbecues and see Grandpa and Grandma Cocker. Shoving that out of my mind I consider how Dad talked Mom into leaving New York. “But you fell in love when you were kids. You had history. It's different. "
Mom sweeps her hand across their acreage. "I've never missed living in a city a day in my life."
I remind her, “You still travel pretty often."
Carefully, Mom informs me, “I haven't traveled in five years, Ben. And I used to do it every other year, remember? Mostly to other countries not to ‘big cities.’”
“I’m sorry. I should have known you stopped traveling. Are you no longer writing for…” Rubbing my face, I stop talking. “Dang it, I should have known.”
“Ben, you’ve been in your own private hell. That’s clear to me now. But we missed you. I can’t even explain how much.”
Needing to change the subject before I throw myself off a bridge, I look down and see a purple wildflower between us. Picking it, I stare a the color, thinking of her photograph. “There have been pretty guests before.”
Mom eyes me, gaze dropping to the flower in my hands. “There have.”
“She’s not just pretty. She’s probably the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. It’s not just her looks, it’s inside . She has this glow. There’s something about her.”
Mom smiles. “Are you going to give her that flower?”
Fingering it for a couple more seconds, I shake my head, let it fall to the ground as I dryly smirk, “I’m sure her watching me drag my Ex out of here has been a major turn on. ”
“Follow your good instincts. If something feels good, you must pursue it, especially now.”
“Why now?”
“You’re finally waking up. Time is never wasted unless we don’t do what we know we really want to, when it comes from a good place.”
“Have you ever been to Venice?"
"Only the one in Italy."
"We've both seen it in movies, though."
Glancing back to the house, she asks, “What are you going to do about Shelby?"
"She's heading to her moms now. Probably there already. We fought all morning. Got really ugly. What did she say to you?"
"She expounded on the merits of her being a good mom.” At my cocked head, Mom explains, “How much of a hard job it's been for her to cook and clean and drive Jonny to school."
I drag my hand down my face. "You've gotta be kidding me."
“I wish I were. It was extraordinarily difficult to not say that I knew she had been doing none of those things. We had company, you know. Willow has no reason to think Shelby was lying."
"She was lying!”
Mom consolingly touches my arm. "I believe you, Ben. I believe everything you told us. Don't worry. Shelby in no way swayed me to think otherwise. Though were I never to have heard your side, I’d have believed she was the perfect mother to our grandson, she sounded so sincere.”
My heart is pounding in my chest. “That’s the thing about gaslighting.” But to have someone else hear the bullshit, and believe me instead, it soothes a trigger-chord in my chest that makes it hard for me to talk. Too many emotions. Rage at her saying that nonsense. Acting as if it’s true. And relief, at Mom having no doubts I told the truth, not Shelby. I’ve been doing everything at the house for so long it feels like nobody appreciated it. It feels good to be validated, but I want to be the kind of man who doesn't need that. All of this is shit. Where’s my time machine?
Mom adds, “Shelby said she needed a retreat. I wanted to tell her it sounded like she had one for years."
A sarcastic laugh escapes tight lungs. "Kinda wish you'd said it. And I kinda wish I could have a retreat too.” Mom begins to invite me to join them for lunch, but I tell her, "I think I've caused enough trouble."
She nods and shrugs helplessly, "I did tell them they have it free. So…"
"Thanks, but I'm going to sit this one out. I appreciate the support though. I really do, Mom. Thanks.”
"Would you do me a favor?”
"Anything."
"Would you be their guide on the horse rides tomorrow?"
Speechless for a second, I stare at her. I used to do that when I was a kid all the way up until I married Shelby. I’d ride one horse, a guest on the other, each guest taking turns afterward. We made use of the wide open spaces. This activity was always my favorite part of helping out at the retreats. I want to do it more than anything, but I know how much trouble I caused. “You really think that's a good idea?"
"Like I said, they're getting a free ride. I can do what I want,” Mom turns around and heads back to the house, calling over her shoulder with a smile, “You can start with Willow."
"Now that's just blackmail."
Mom laughs and playfully tosses her hair, sundress blowing in the breeze as she quickens her pace to return to business.
I had no idea she hadn't been traveling for the last few years. Did she say five? What the fuck was I doing? How did I get in that deep? Marriage is something I've always wanted, but when you're in the wrong one, should you stay just because you made the vow? That’s the question I asked myself for years and I know the answer now. It’s a big fat no.
At least for me.
I'm glad I walked here. I need time to think. There has to be a way to ensure that she'll sign those papers quickly. Shelby clearly doesn't have any interest in doing that, and when she digs her heels in it's hard to get them out.
After I come up empty on ideas, walking along the main road’s gravel shoulder, my mind travels back to Willow, on her sharing that photograph with me. When I looked from it to her, I was struck by the hope in her eyes. She's got a talent but she doesn't seem to know it. There was hope, and something else, too. Happiness . It makes me wonder, how many of us are walking around with talents we don’t know we have, that could make us glow like she did when I said, Wow ?
Is there anything I haven't done but could be doing, that would make me happy like that?