2. Sarah
Iperched on the wooden barstool next to my younger sister and forced a smile for the bartender. He knew already that I’d want a rum and Coke. Nev and I met up here at least twice a week after work, usually on a particularly stressful day for one of us. I’d called this little meet-up today after running into Michael. I knew it was bound to happen when I got awarded the position at St. Anne’s as a perioperative nurse. My post as scrub-slash-instrument nurse meant I had to interact directly with the surgeons, and given that St. Anne’s specialized in cardiac care, our paths had been destined to cross.
I just hadn’t expected it in my first week.
“Everything okay?” Nev asked as she sipped her fruity drink. Her bleach-blonde hair had been tied up in a messy bun on top of her head like normal, though her lips were a bit brighter than normal. She could pull off the boldest color choices, while I always preferred more neutral tones for my clothing and makeup.
Nev and I shared everything, including the same face and hair. We’d been mistaken for twins a number of times despite our six-year age difference. And on her twenty-first birthday, I was the one who got carded and that bartender thought she was the older sister, maybe because she was wearing a dress suit after having to give a presentation at her university.
“Yeah, I guess.” I sighed and slid a few crisp dollar bills across the bar as the bartender exchanged my drink for the payment. “Just sort of ran into someone today that I wasn’t expecting.”
Nev was the only one who knew it all—the past, how I’d had that one-night stand with Michael going on five years ago now. How Emily was really his, but I’d hidden it from everyone, including my parents and Michael himself. She was my confidant and best friend. But first, she was my sister, and I couldn’t hide anything from her even if I tried, so I didn’t.
“Oh, yeah? At work?”
My heart still beat oddly after seeing him. I tried to be as pleasant and professional as I could. I didn’t even know whether he remembered me or not. We spent hours talking that night at Jacob’s bachelor party. I’d been invited when his fiancée insisted they do a combined party for the both of them. Otherwise, it would have been men only like tradition. But Jacob and I had been study buddies in anatomy class. We bonded, and though I thought at one point that maybe he’d ask me out, it turned out that he was with someone else, and all we had was a friendship.
Michael and I, on the other hand, clicked the instant he introduced himself to me. I really liked him, and then the sex… wow. It was indescribable. He knew what he was doing, and I enjoyed every second of it. But when he gave me his number, I was a bit tipsy. I misplaced it. I looked for it for days, but later, I found that it had fallen out of my purse and in between the seats in my mom’s car. She was my sober driver that night.
By the time she cleaned her car out and gave me the scrap of paper with the short note scrawled on it in Michael’s handwriting with his number, I already knew I was pregnant. I also already knew Michael had been offered a promotion. Jacob had told me the new job would take him out of state, and I just knew a surprise pregnancy after a night of drunken, unprotected sex wasn’t in his plans. I kept it a secret.
“Yoo-hoo… Earth to Sarah!” Emily waved her hand in front of my face and snapped her fingers, and I came out of my thoughtful trance.
“Sorry…”
“Must be pretty bad to have you lost in thought like that.” She sipped her drink while mine sat untouched. The din of music playing was enough to give me a headache. I felt more like being at home than here.
“Yeah, something like that.” I pushed a few strands of hair that had fallen out of my braid behind my ear and tried to sip my drink, but it just didn’t hit the spot tonight.
“Girl, tell me what’s going on.” Nev set her drink down and angled her body to face mine. She was a pro at prying things out of me, and this thing in particular, she would weasel out one way or another.
“It was him.”
“Him who?” she asked, scoffing then chuckling.
“Him,” I said, staring into her eyes intently.
For a second, she still shook her head as if she didn’t understand what I was saying until recognition dawned on her. Nev didn’t know who the man was or where he worked, just that he was a hot older doctor. I had never told her his name or specific occupation, and this whole thing had come full circle only because my dream was to work at St. Anne’s hospital and help heart patients. My grandfather had almost died of a heart attack, and it made me want to help people.
“Wow, okay…” She raised her hand and snapped at the bartender, who held up a finger. I didn’t want him around me. I just wanted to melt into the background and try to figure out my next steps. It was obvious fate had given me a chance to make things right after all this time.
Straight out of college, I took a job at a children’s hospital as an RN while I finished my specialty. I got the position after Emily was born prematurely during the middle of my final year of school. She spent a month in the NICU there as her lungs developed, and in the meantime, I learned they needed a few good nurses for these tiny babies. I took the job because I knew in order to do what I wanted, I had a bit more schooling, and besides, being a single mother was expensive. I needed the money.
So when this job at St. Anne’s opened up, I did my research. I found out Michael still worked there. He never took that promotion, though I didn’t know why, and even then, three weeks ago, I had felt just as guilty and anxious about how to tell him the truth, or whether I should tell him, or when I should tell him. And this wasn’t the first sister-chat we’d had about it, either.
“Alright, so stay calm and tell me what happened.” Nev snapped her fingers furiously in the air as she looked at me, and I knew she was calling in reinforcements in the way of stronger drinks. But I didn’t want to drink. What I really wanted to do was go home and hug my little girl.
“Can we talk another time? I just… I’m sorry. I know I called this little meeting, but I just want to go home.” I was already sliding off my barstool when two men approached.
Hot men.
The kind you don’t bring home to Mama because they’re too busy bending you over in the bed of their pickup truck.
Under any normal circumstance, I’d have lost it and taken a chance on one of them. But tonight my heart was heavy. I missed Emily, and I felt conflicted and overwhelmed about Michael.
“Hey, ladies, I couldn’t help but see you ordering a new drink.” The first man, a dashing blond, glanced at my still-full drink. “How about we order them for you?”
“Oh,” Nev said, winking at me. “Just what you need to get your mind off things.” She batted her eyelashes at the darker-haired man, but I held up a hand in protest as I stood and put my purse strap over my shoulder.
“I’m sure you two are very good men and you probably have incredible hearts.” I also thought about how they might make my body feel things that would distract me for sure, but I wasn’t into that tonight. “But I have a little girl at home I need to go tuck into bed.” I forced a weak smile and patted Nev’s knee. “Be safe,” I told her, knowing our bartender friend would watch out for her.
“Yeah, okay,” she said glumly as I walked away.
I didn’t look back once. I didn’t even think about that moment again the entire drive or walking around the house and back to my tiny little apartment behind Mom and Dad’s home. The mother-in-law suite they put in for my grandparents after Pop had his heart attack and needed special care had become mine. When Emily was born, Mom insisted that Dad convert it to a full apartment for me so I’d have space. College was brutal, and being pregnant and then with a nursing baby and eventually a toddler, I needed my own space.
Tonight, Mom was there, tucking Emily in when I walked in. I heard her soft tone reading a story as I set my purse down and walked into the single bedroom. The entire place was only four hundred square feet, boasting only one bedroom and an eat-in kitchen area. But it was home, and it was enough for my small little family.
“Hey, honey,” Mom whispered, sliding off my bed slowly. Emily was fast asleep already, probably out like a light the minute Mom opened the book. She set it on the nightstand and tiptoed over to me.
“Everything okay?” she asked, pressing her hand to my forehead. “You don’t look well.”
I shrugged, never planning to open that can of worms with my mother. At least not until I was forced to. “Just had a hard day at work.” I smiled weakly again, and she nodded.
“Get some sleep. I’ll be ready for Em first thing.” Mom was such a priceless treasure to me. She volunteered to babysit every day for free. Without her, I’d never have been able to finish college while affording my tuition repayment and car loan. Now, I was able to offer her small amounts from time to time, which she refused, so I bought her things I knew she needed. Most recently, a new coffee maker.
“Goodnight,” I told her as she slipped out. I kicked off my shoes, put my badge and jacket on the dresser, and climbed into bed to hold Emily.
She was the most precious part about my life and had been since the moment I learned I was pregnant. I never hid her from Michael because I thought he was a bad person. On the contrary, I thought he’d be an excellent father. He was smart and confident, and he had genuine compassion for others. I just knew he took his profession very seriously, and when Jacob told me what Michael was looking at—chief surgeon at a very prestigious hospital in California—I’d either be raising Emily alone anyway, or he’d derail his career for us. I didn’t want the latter, so I made the choice for him.
I just never followed up to see if he got that promotion. His reputation was so excellent, I couldn’t see how they didn’t choose him. Even Jacob had told me he was a shoo-in, and I mourned the “what could’ve been” in solitude.
Now, I was presented with a new opportunity. But I couldn’t just walk into St. Anne’s and announce to Michael that I’d had his baby. I just didn’t know the right way to tell him.
First things first, I had to figure out how to have a conversation with him that wasn’t in a surgical suite.