4. Sarah
My fingers pecked away at the computer, logging the medications I’d just given to Mrs. Winters. The elderly woman was in recovery following a heart bypass last week, and the medications to control her pain and infection had to be doled out three times a day. Her husband hovered by her side, worried and doting, but I knew she was in good hands. Our team was the best in the region, St. Anne’s being known for their cardiac unit, and especially, Dr. Lawson.
“You are just so pleasant, dear. I’m so glad you’re my nurse today. That other young lady isn’t so nice.” Mrs. Winters scowled, and I chuckled. The night nurse was a bit of a grump, but she was also newly pregnant and moody all the time. I remembered what it was like to be so emotional and irritable all the time because of pregnancy.
“Well, I’m glad I get to be your nurse too.” I finished my logs and then got the blood pressure cuff off the wall and moved to the side of the bed just as Tammy waltzed in. Another RN on this floor, we’d been tag-teaming our patients in post-op.
“Oh, I didn’t know you were in here,” she said, her cheeks warming to a bright pink.
“Tammy, dear, come on in,” Mrs. Winters said in an inviting tone. “My two favorite gals.”
For post-op, Mrs. Winters was just about the most pleasant woman on the floor. Usually, our patients were moody and bitter and just wanted to go home. I enjoyed working with them all, though my desire would have been to stay in perioperative, but hospital administration insisted that I do my time on the floor if I wanted to have a shot at being a full-time surgical nurse.
“We love taking care of you, Betty.” Tammy patted her foot as I slid the cuff on her arm and tightened it.
“She’s right,” I told her, pressing the start button on the machine, “and you’re one of our favorite patients. Now, is there anything we can get you before we head out?” I watched her expression shift as she nodded.
“Some Jell-O,” she said firmly, and her husband shook his head.
“She’ll eat it all if you let her.” His eyes sparkled with mischief, and Tammy snickered.
“I’ll be right back with some Jell-O.”
A few minutes later, when Mrs. Winters’s vitals were logged and my work in her room was done, I headed out. I was looking down at my phone, thinking about the next patient and what I had to do after that, and I never saw it coming. My body came to an abrupt stop when I slammed into what I could only describe as feeling like a brick wall. I stumbled backward, being caught by firm hands, and muttered a broken apology as I regained my balance.
“Oh, God, I’m so—” The expression on Michael’s face was priceless. His half-smirk, half-smile captivated me instantly, and my body felt like someone had lit it on fire. His wildly attractive eyes stared down at me as I fumbled through my next sentence. “Uh, Michael, I mean… Oh… Dr. Lawson, I…” I swallowed hard, feeling like a complete idiot. How I’d managed to maintain control of myself the other day during surgery was beyond me. My stomach fluttered like the butterfly enclosure at the zoo, alive with attraction and anxious excitement at his touch.
“Sarah,” he said cordially. He had no title to call me by other than my name, but I had to remember he wasn’t just “Michael”, the man I’d slept with. He was Dr. Michael Lawson, a superior at work and a fantastic surgeon.
“I, uh… I’m sorry,” I managed, though my voice sounded more like a squeak than anything else. My mouth felt dry, my palms sweaty. I rubbed the back of my neck as I pocketed my phone to hide the lock screen—a picture of Emily. Her face might as well have been his face. I didn’t need him to see that right now and have questions. I knew I would eventually tell him, but in my timing and when I felt I was ready. Or he was ready. Or we both were ready.
The past years had really changed him for the good. His once almost black hair had hints of silver around the temples and sideburns. Tiny crow’s feet peeked out when he smiled, and God, if he hadn’t put on twenty pounds of sheer muscle, muscle my fingers itched to touch. But his eyes hadn’t changed at all. They still held the same kindness and compassion I’d seen in them years ago.
“Think nothing of it,” he said, and the warmth of his baritone voice threatened to melt me.
I couldn’t feel this way—shouldn’t feel this way. My body was doing things I had told it were off limits—feeling aroused, being drawn to him, wanting to reach out and touch him. There was never a time when I thought he wasn’t attractive, though there was a time when I thought he was gone. If I’d have known he didn’t take that promotion and stayed around Savannah, I’d have told him. We’d be having a very different interaction, or maybe we would be having a relationship.
“Yoo-hoo, Sarah,” he said, snapping his finger in front of my face the same way Nev had the other night at the bar.
I forced a smile and cleared my throat. “Uh, sorry. I should go.” I pointed a thumb over my shoulder at the nurses’ station and nodded at him, then backed away slowly. He watched me for a second then walked right into Mrs. Winters’s room, probably to do his rounds.
I stumbled, weak-kneed, to the nurses’ station and sat down behind a computer, pretending to log in. In reality, I was trying to calm my racing heart. I knew working in the same hospital would challenge me, and that I’d even be assisting on some of his surgeries, too. I had the schedule with his name on it. I just didn’t realize how I’d feel about it all.
I figured I’d be scared and anxious, only thinking about how I’d tell him about Emily and why I’d kept her a secret for so long. I had been—scared, that is. I didn’t want him to be angry with me. It was an honest mistake I’d made. I put his happiness and career ahead of my need for his support. We had a one-night stand. I couldn’t very well expect him to drop everything and be with me or support a pregnancy he hadn’t planned. I was the one who got so worked up and too tipsy to care whether he used a condom.
“You okay?” Tammy asked, sitting down next to me with a cup of Jell-O in hand. She set the treat to the side and typed in her log-in credentials, tracking what food she was giving the patient. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
I glanced up at her and then back to the computer screen where I figured I ought to look like I was at least doing something. “Nah, I’m okay.” I forced a smile as I logged in and checked my next patient’s needs. I didn’t really have to because I already knew what I was doing, but it gave me a good distraction while my weak knees recovered.
“Isn’t he absolutely an exquisite specimen of the male anatomy?” she said with a far-off look in her eye, and I shook my head and chuckled.
“Who?” I asked, looking up just as Wade walked past. An orderly, he was a bit on the round side, though some women really liked dadbod. I’d have dated him if he asked me out, but he was married and had two kids at home. “Wade?”
“No, you’re ridiculous. He’s taken. I’m talking about Dr. Lawson. The nurses call him Dr. Smolder.” She winked at me and picked up the Jell-O and logged out. “He’s so hot, and he’s single, but no one has the nerve to ask him out.”
“Why?” I asked, now curious as to why he was still single. She was right. Michael was a very good-looking man. Even four years ago, when I was twenty-one and still in nursing school, and he was thirty-four and charging full-steam toward his dynamic career, he was hot.
“You’ll find out soon enough,” she said, standing. “He’s about as grumpy as those old guys on Grumpy Old Men. Sort of ruins it for most of us. But boy, is he an eyeful. I guess it’s sort of like porn—you know it’s fake but it still turns you on!” With a cheerful tap of the Jell-O on the counter, she walked off and left me wondering how anyone could think of him as grumpy.
When I met him and we talked, he’d been so entertaining and pleasant. In fact, even in surgery, he seemed more distracted than irritable. Even just now, he didn’t seem grumpy, or maybe I was just seeing stars and not the red flags.
I logged out of the computer and picked up the key for the med dispenser, putting Mrs. Winters’s med key back on its hook. I didn’t believe Tammy’s accusations about Michael, though if all the nurses thought that, maybe I was wrong. Only time would tell. For now, I just had to keep my head low, focus on the job, and try to think through how I would tell him about Emily.
I wasn’t purposefully hiding her anymore, though I didn’t want him to inadvertently find out and get upset. I wanted to tell him outright, but we’d only just been reintroduced. I didn’t think he’d appreciate this blast from his past making the announcement that he had a child.
“Surprise, Dr. Smolder, you’re a dad!” Yeah, that’d go over really well.
On the way to the patient’s room, I made the internal decision not to shy away from him if he wanted to talk to me. I had a four-step plan in my mind. If it worked right, I’d develop a friendly rapport with him, discover his thoughts on families and children, warm him to the idea that he might be a good father, and then tell him he already was one. Step five would be groveling for forgiveness even if he and I never have a chance of being together.
That ship had sailed—I was certain of it. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t be in Emily’s life.
There were a few hurdles to overcome, but Michael was only one of them. I also had to somehow break it to my family that Emily’s dad, whom I told them had run off, was really a well-respected doctor. That I was the one who pulled away and hid my baby from him. Dad would be so furious, but Nev would support me. For the most part, she knew the details, anyway. It was just my parents I was concerned about.
“Hey! Sarah,” Wade said, walking up to me as I started off down the hallway.
“Uh, yeah?” I turned to face him, lost in my own thoughts.
“A bunch of us are going for drinks at The Hub after work. Want to go?” It was so nice of them to extend an invitation for me, but I didn’t know if rubbing elbows with coworkers outside of work was a good idea. What if they invited Michael?
“Yeah,” Tammy said, walking up out of nowhere. I hadn’t even seen her coming. “Come on. It’ll be fun. We do this a couple of times a month. It’s always a blast. Plus, you should hear Wade sing karaoke.”
I smiled as Wade feigned holding a microphone and swayed his hips as he hummed. “Thanks, guys, but I need to be at home with my little girl. She only has me.” I winced at my own poor excuse since I knew Wade also had children, but I didn’t dare show up there knowing it was a work thing. I could only handle so much at once.
Tammy and Wade tried to pressure me for a few minutes then walked away, and I sulked up the hall in the opposite direction feeling guilty. As I passed Mrs. Winters’s room, I heard Michael’s voice and paused.
“Yes, well, your children are lucky you’re still around. I’ll have kids someday. I want a whole slew of them…” The happiness in his voice made my heart swoon. He wanted kids, and he didn’t say anything that sounded grumpy. I felt like Tammy was wrong in her assessment, and the middle two steps on my plan to open up to him were already done for me.
As I continued on my trip up the hall, my mind went into overdrive. If Michael wanted kids so much, would he try to take Emily from me when I told him? Surely, the courts wouldn’t allow that. But he was a wealthy, successful doctor and I still lived on my parents’ property with not much to my name outside of a car. Besides the fact that I kept her from him.
My feet felt like lead and I wanted to go home and hide. It was constant mental torment, but I’d done it to myself.
I should have just told him when I found out, when Mom found that paper with his number on it. None of this would be happening then.