6. Sarah
My feet couldn’t carry me away from him fast enough. When Nev insisted that I come tonight, I knew the work gang would be here. I knew Tammy had invited him, and after that interaction in the hall outside Mrs. Winters’s room, I figured he’d come. I knew something like this would happen. My plan was supposed to have been enacted on my terms, not my little sister’s insistence that I make a move on him. She knew who he was too. I’d mentioned it to her right before she got up and walked right over to his table.
It was my own awkwardness, however, that kept me from being socially adequate. My plan was to build the rapport back between us and then ease him into the conversation about Emily. But he had gone from zero to sixty in one second flat, and he looked upset about it too—about why I had never called him after that night together.
I burst into the bathroom, my heart pounding in my chest as I frantically looked for Nev. She spun around in shock as I entered, her wide eyes meeting mine. “What are you doing here?” she squealed, quickly snatching her purse from my hand. My breathing became rapid and shallow as I leaned against the door, praying that no other women would need to use the facilities at this exact moment. The sense of panic threatened to overwhelm me as I struggled to catch my breath.
“Nev, you don’t understand. I can’t talk to him, not like this. Not in a bar after drinks. I can’t make things worse.” My hands shook with anxious energy, and my mouth felt pasty and dry.
She rolled her eyes at me and set her purse down on the sink while she washed her hands and dried them, then turned toward me again and grabbed my hands. “Babe, if what you say is true and that’s Emmy’s dad, then you need to tell him. You’re not going to get a chance to tell him unless you talk to him.” Her expression of compassion and concern made my heart feel guilty for not staying there, but only because my little girl deserved to know her dad.
“You don’t understand. He wants more than just a talk. I think he thinks I’m going to sleep with him again.” My bottom lip quivered. Not only was that a huge no-no for me because I”d already kept a big secret from him, but the only thing that would come from that was that I’d end up catching feelings for him and get my heart broken when he learned about Emily.
“Well, what’s wrong with that?” she asked, turning back to the mirror to apply another coat of lipstick which she pulled out of her little clutch. “He’s hot. You clearly liked the sex the first time, right? And you work with him, so you’ll see him again. You might just find that you have things in common and make something of it.”
I covered my face and growled in frustration. She had no clue what I was going through. I loved sex with him the first time, but it wasn’t about that. I did think we were perfect for each other, but there was no way he was ever going to forgive me for keeping my pregnancy a secret to begin with, or the fact that we now had a four-year-old, almost five-year-old daughter he knew nothing about.
“You don’t get it,” I whined, and she grabbed me by the shoulders, turned me around, and forced me back out the door.
“Talk to him,” she ordered, and I stood there pouting for a few seconds before I saw him watching me.
I thought I’d throw up right then and there. What I thought was the right thing, the best thing for him, had turned out to be wrong. There was a chance that had I told him years ago, he would have attempted a relationship with me. But there was also a chance that he would have rejected the idea of being a father and I’d have been alone, anyway. My mind wrestled with every aspect of my failure to do the right thing even as my feet carried me back toward him. But his sour expression didn’t make me feel more welcome, even when I sat back down.
Before he got a word in, I picked up the drink he’d already bought for me and downed it, then wiped my mouth with the tiny square napkin.
“Am I that bad?” he asked, glowering at me, and I felt guilt wash my face in red again.
“Uh, no, it’s really not you, it”s me…” I wished to God I’d have drunk that before going to the bathroom. It would have had a chance to kick in already, at least. I picked up the empty glass and waved it at the bartender.
Michael, seeing me order another, shouted, “On my tab,” as he nodded at the burly man making drinks. Then he turned to me. “So… it was too late?” he asked, and I regretted ever opening my mouth.
“I misspoke. I mean… I feel hot. Is it hot in here?” I asked, fanning myself. His scowl hadn’t let up at all, but the sparkle in his eyes was still just as charming as that night we met. He had been so welcoming toward everything I said, and I felt like maybe this bit of annoyance he was displaying was my fault.
“I’m sorry, Michael. I didn’t mean to upset you.” The bartender set the drink in front of me, and I used it as a distraction, downing the entire thing immediately. God, I wished the alcohol would kick in already. “What I meant was, I lost the paper and it had been so long, I figured you lost interest. I heard you were up for a promotion?—”
“Jacob told you?” he asked, and the scowl lightened a little, but the creases on his forehead stayed.
“He did,” I said, nodding. Guilt made my stomach churn, or maybe it was the fact that I’d just drunk four shots of rum on an empty stomach. “And I figured you might want to put your career first…” My sheepish explanation didn’t deter him.
“Well, you’re wrong. I waited, and I passed on that promotion, by the way. If you couldn’t tell.” Now he just sounded moody, and I blamed myself. I wanted to fix that, because if we were going to get anywhere at all, he had to know that I never meant to hurt him at all with the decision I made to keep Emily a secret. I had to make him see my heart.
“It wasn’t a good fit?” Clutching my purse against my stomach, I spun the empty glass on the bar in the puddle of condensation. He downed the second half of his first beer, then took a long swig of the second beer.
“You could say that.”
“You have to believe that it wasn’t because I didn’t enjoy talking with you or…” My cheeks burned again as I thought of that night, the way he made me feel time after time. It was like heaven on Earth, even if only for one night of blissful passion. I bit my lip and he grunted.
“Or the sex…” he said, finishing my sentence.
“Yeah, that.” My heart palpitated, and I swallowed a lump forming in my throat. “I liked that.” I couldn’t look him in the eye. Even talking about that night made my body feel things again, wanting him like that—the same things his firm grip and handsome smile made me feel earlier today.
Michael downed the rest of his second beer and turned his stool to face me. His knee brushed against my thigh and his hand rested on my leg. I could feel my blood pressure rising, my mind still racing. This was going too fast. I wasn’t trying to get him geared up for another one-night stand. We needed to actually talk, build some sort of friendship or foundation upon which I could feel safe revealing my darkest secrets to him.
“I’ve thought about that night a lot, Sarah. And when I say that, I’m not just talking about the sex either. I mean you, and me, and our talks, and how I felt about you. I don’t want to scare you off, but I swear it was love at first sight.” As he said the words, his fingers squeezed my leg, inching the hem of my dress upward. I shuddered at his touch, though I wondered if his words were just a means to get me to sleep with him.
But he wasn’t like that, was he? He hadn’t pressured me to sleep with him back then, so why would he do it now? And I was different now. Motherhood had changed me, made me more cautious. I wasn’t na?ve and gullible. If he thought he was in love with me, that was okay, but that didn’t mean I had to respond to that.
So, why was my body responding to that?
“Michael, I …” I almost let it slip, told him about Emily, but Nev appeared out of nowhere, kissing me on the cheek.
“I’m heading home. Have a good night. Be safe…” She patted my shoulder after saying the same thing to me that I’d normally say to her. I felt disarmed and undone by Michael’s grip on my knee and the stormy look in his eye.
I hesitated.
I should have gotten up immediately and followed her, but I got lost in his gaze for a moment too long, and when I finally blurted, “I have to go,” and leapt off the stool, it was too late. I stepped out into the dusky evening light and saw her taillights pulling out of the parking lot.
“Crap,” I muttered to myself, covering my forehead with my palm, and I didn’t even realize Michael was there next to me. He’d followed me out, carrying my purse.
“You dropped this,” he said, holding it out to me as my ride home left without me.
My body was on fire, fingers itching to feel his skin, and my heart raced as I looked up at him and took my purse. The lines on his forehead were still deep crevices, his eyes still searching, and I muttered unintelligible words to him before he reached down and took my hand.
“I want to try again,” he said, “but this time, without you disappearing for five years.”
I hadn’t disappeared. I’d been in nursing school, and that took me halfway across the state. I had no choice, and I thought he was leaving too. Oh, God, if I had the chance to do it all over again, I’d have called him and we’d have really gotten to know each other. Having his fingers weaving themselves through mine made my heart wish above everything else that I’d just called him.
“Mike, I…” My tongue flicked over my lip, and I found myself speechless.
“Let me just give you a ride home.” He tugged my hand, and I felt compelled to go with him. He’d bought me a drink, after all—two, actually—and he wanted to “try again”, whatever that meant to him. Everything in my mind and heart screamed at me to go slow, to be honest with him and just lay it all out there, but my entire plan hinged on his being open to me, or at least open to listening to me. I hardly believed for a second that he”d be open to any sort of friendship or rapport if I just flat-out rejected him.
So, going against what my heart knew would be the best thing—just telling him the truth and letting the chips fall where they may—I followed him to his car.
I didn’t say a word while he drove. He talked about turning down the promotion and how life had changed for him here. I stayed silent when he switched topics and discussed how the city had changed and how he was surprised to see me during that first surgery together. I added appropriate “hmms” and “ah, yeses” to make it sound like I wasn’t boiling on the inside and getting ready to open the door and jump out while he drove, and when he pulled into my parents’ driveway, I almost just ran away.
“Here we are,” I said, clutching my purse again, ready to bolt.
“Sarah, I want to see you again. I want to talk like we did that night. I want to know everything about you, everything I missed. I want… Well, I want you.”
My heart went on a rollercoaster, up and down and around and even inside out. I fought back the emotion of fear and turned to face him. His eyes were so full of pain and even distrust, as if he feared I’d just up and leave again. I had a job at St. Anne’s. I couldn’t go anywhere. I needed the job and the financial support, but I also needed to think of what was best for Emily, and right now, I knew that was for me to get to the point where I felt he was ready to hear the truth.
So when he leaned forward and whispered, “Can I kiss you?” I nodded.
The first brush of his lips on mine was searing, blistering heat flushing my entire face and into my chest, then sinking down to my groin. His lips parted, baptizing me in a wave of arousal so thick I couldn’t breathe, especially when his hand rested on my face then trailed down to my shoulder. Then he let his thumb trail over my breast, pressing into my nipple.
“I meant it when I said I want you.” His harsh whisper was all it took to unleash the beast inside me. I’d spent the past hour fighting this feeling, but I didn’t want to fight it anymore. He wanted me, and I wanted him, and we were two consenting adults. Nev was right. Maybe this would lead somewhere really amazing, and if I blurted out my truth and ruined it, I’d never know.
“God… I don’t know,” I whined, thinking of my parents sitting just inside their home. The lights were out in the front room when we pulled up, which meant Mom was probably tucking Emily in bed right now. And I couldn’t see the mother-in-law suite out back to know whether the lights out there were off or not. Nev’s car wasn’t home, which meant she went somewhere else. We could be interrupted at any minute.
“Sarah, come to my house…”
“No, I can’t. I have to be here.” My body wanted to say yes, but my heart knew it wasn’t going to work. Until he grabbed my hand and pressed it against his jeans, and that was all it took.
“Oh, God,” I breathed even as he started undoing his jeans.
I dropped my purse, reaching up under my dress to shimmy my panties down as he leaned over the center console to cover my mouth with his. His dick was out, standing proudly from the fly of his pants as he reached for the glove box.
He rummaged hurriedly, a triumphant groan escaping his lips as he pulled out a foil packet. I watched as he tore it open, his movements jerky with anticipation. He rolled the condom onto himself with a practiced ease that made my stomach flutter with desire. My hands shook as I pushed my dress higher on my thighs, the fabric catching on my skin. His eyes were dark, drinking in the sight of me so exposed and willing.
”I want you,” he repeated, his voice gravelly and thick with unspoken promises. His hand slid up my thigh, his fingers sliding smoothly over my bare skin. Sparks danced beneath his touch, spreading me and dipping into my moisture.
“I don’t want just sex, Michael…” My timid protest brought a grunt of agreement as he grabbed my hip and pulled me toward himself as he released the handle and slid his seat back all the way. “I want to be able to talk to you.” My heart hammered in my ears, warning me, telling me to pace myself, to not let my heart get involved.
“Yeah… I want that… Just…” His lips covered mine again as I climbed onto him, straddling him. My knees squeezed between his hips and the sides of his seat. There was almost no room, but he pulled me down against his body. “God, I need to be in you,” he growled, and I let him enter me.
A gasp of pleasure and surprise escaped my lips as he filled me, his heated flesh burning against my own. The confines of the car offered an added intimacy I hadn”t expected, the adrenaline of our location enhancing each sensation. The leather upholstery creaked under us as we moved together, locked in a rhythm that was both demanding and frantic.
His fingers tightened on my hips as he guided me, the flex of his powerful thighs beneath me causing sparks of desire to ignite inside me. The sensation left me gasping, my nails digging into the fabric of his shirt as I clung to him.
”Sarah…” His voice was a rough whisper in my ear, each syllable a caress that stoked the fire blazing in my core. He pressed his forehead against mine, his breath slightly ragged as he guided me to a rhythm that was raw and primal. His hands roved over my body, finding those sensitive spots that left me gasping for more.
”Michael…” My voice was soft, full of need as our bodies entwined. I could feel him everywhere, the warmth of him, the strength. It was like we were one body, one mind, one soul. Each stroke sent us spiraling into oblivion, lost in the exhilaration of shared desire.
The car rocked with our passion, the windows fogging up as our breaths mingled with the warmth inside.
”God, you”re so beautiful,” he gasped against my neck, nipping at the sensitive skin there. His words struck a chord deep within me, drawing forth emotions I”d kept locked away for fear of being too vulnerable. And when he pressed his thumb against my clit, I lost it, coming undone around him.
My body convulsed and shuddered, pleasure ripping through me like a violent storm. I cried out his name, my voice echoing in the confines of the car. I clung to him, my fingers digging into his shoulders as wave after wave of pure ecstasy washed over me. His voice was a low growl in my ear, his words a blend of curses and praise that fueled the burning fire within me.
Michael”s grip on me tightened, his thrusts becoming more erratic as he neared his own climax. And then with a final, desperate plunge, he let out a low grunt of satisfaction, his body stiffening beneath me as he found his release. His arms closed around me, holding me as close as physically possible in the cramped car. I could feel his heart hammering against my chest, matching the frantic beat of my own. His hot breath puffed against my neck, his whispered words all but swallowed by the quiet hum of the car engine.
”Sarah…” he murmured again, his voice husky and filled with warmth. I found solace in the sound of it, wrapping it around me like a comforting blanket. It was raw and real, and so very Michael. He held me close as our breathing started to slow down, our bodies still entwined. “Let’s not wait five years to do this again.”
I felt foolish again, but he kissed away the shame and I climbed off his lap. It wasn’t exactly the way I thought we’d start this new chapter where I came clean, but it was a start. I fixed my dress first, the light now too dim to see where my panties had dropped, and he pulled the condom toward the end of his dick so the load dangled in the loose sleeve from his head.
“I, uh…” Still feeling awkward and speechless, I looked up at the house and was immediately mortified. The light was on, and Dad stood in the picture window looking out. I didn’t think he saw anything, but I still felt immediate panic. “Crap, crap, crap!” I snatched my purse, not even thinking about my panties, and blurted, “I have to go.”
I got out of his car, feeling my moisture chill my core as I hurried toward my apartment out back, and I never looked back until I saw his headlights flash on the bushes to the south side of the property.
What the heck was I thinking? Now I was leading him on too? Guilt weighed down every step I took, and all I wanted to do was hide. This wasn’t good.