16. Sarah
Iwoke to someone tapping on my forehead with a single finger, and before I even opened my eyes, I smiled. The pudgy little hand of my sweet girl patted my face and then tried to open my eyelids.
“Good morning, Emily,” I said before yawning, and she giggled.
“It time wake up, Mommy.” Her hand patted my cheek again, and then I felt her lips press against my temple. “See, I kiss, you wake up.”
I smiled again, then reached up and wrapped my arms around her and pulled her down under the covers. Her pullup felt squishy, which meant my efforts at toilet training her for overnight were still failing. She did well during the day, but nights were still tough for her.
“Feels like you need a wash.” I kissed her forehead and yawned, then heard my phone buzz, which meant it was after eight a.m. My night shift on my phone turned off at eight.
“Yes, I can wash, but I want food. My tummy hurt.” Emily gave me an overly dramatic pout, and I chuckled at her.
“Alright, you go to the bathroom and get undressed, and I’ll be right there to get you washed up. Then how about we go out for breakfast? We’ll get waffles.” I tousled her hair, and she nodded eagerly with a huge smile on her face as she scrambled across the bed.
The pitter patter of her feet on the ground as she ran away gave me such joy. There wasn’t a single thing about motherhood that I didn’t like. Emily was everything I ever needed in life, though my heart had found new hope and joy in whatever this was with Michael. That is, until last night.
I reached for my phone as I sat up and tossed the covers back. I saw four notifications from him and felt a bit ambivalent. I wanted nothing more than to believe he and I could have something, but after learning about his desire to move away from here, I didn’t even know if I wanted to tell him about his daughter at all now, though I did read through his messages which seemed heart-felt.
Michael 7:38 AM: I’m so sorry for being short with you last night. I do hope everything at home is okay. Message me when you get a chance. And good morning.
He followed that one with a heart emoji, and I smiled at it as I meandered toward the bathroom where I heard Emily singing a nursery rhyme to herself.
Michael 7:44 AM: I should have also said that I spent the night at my Mom’s house because staying in that hotel room alone seemed wrong. I wanted to share that with you. So maybe we could try again sometime.
Michael 7:59 AM: Actually, do you mind if I stop by? I’m in town and I got us coffees…
The latest message, sent only a few minutes ago, was the sweetest one, and I felt like I was a bad person for having left him alone in that hotel, especially given the fact that I had lied to him about the reason for rushing out.
Michael 8: 14 AM: You are the best thing that has happened to me in my life, Sarah. I don’t want to screw this up. I’m genuinely sorry for allowing my personal thoughts and emotions to cloud our time last night. I’m still learning how to do this thing.
I smiled as I stepped into the bathroom, and Emily snickered as she threw her pajamas at me. “I ready for shower.” Her hair stood on end in a few places and her nose was runny, maybe the beginning of a cold, but she was adorable.
“Alright, let’s get the water going to heat up,” I told her, setting my phone aside to turn the shower on. After a few seconds, she was in, splashing in the water, so I picked my phone up and responded to Michael.
Sarah 8:18 AM: I understand. You don’t have to apologize for being human. Definitely, let’s do it again sometime.
When I set my phone down, though, it was with a tinge of sadness. There wasn’t any point in pursuing something with Michael, given the situation. I knew I was emotionally attached to him, maybe even in love with him. But love wouldn’t change or transform his heart into being content with staying in Savannah. He would always crave the freedom to run when he desired it, and that would only build a bitterness inside him because he was tethered here. The right thing for me would be to just let him be himself.
There was no point in trying to force him to love me the way I deserved and needed to be loved. He would want to do that for me if he loved me, but it would always conflict with what his heart truly desired. It would always be something that had the potential to cause resentment between us, and if I loved him, I wouldn’t do that to him.
But there was a part of me that still wanted him, even with all of that. The problem was, the part of me that wanted him to selfishly choose me was the part that was winning, and it was the part that kept Emily a secret from him too. Which wasn’t right for either of them.
“Mommy! Splash!” She squealed, and I looked up from my reverie only to be soaked by her. She held a cup in her hand, the one I used to rinse her hair properly, and had thrown water out of it onto my pajamas.
“Naughty!” I blurted out as I snickered. “I’m gonna get you!” I leaned into the shower and tickled her side, and she squirmed and giggled then splashed more water at me.
For a second, I was lost in the playful moment and nothing else mattered. That was the way it was supposed to be—a life so full and warm that you didn’t worry about the future or obsess over the past. But as she turned her attention to the stream of water and explored how holding her hand in different positions sent it flowing in different directions, thoughts of Michael came back to my mind. Would he be playful like this too? Or would he be upset and ruminate over how he wasn’t able to be free and see the world?
This time, it was a pounding on my door that broke me out of my thoughts. I glanced in the direction of the sound and frowned. Mom usually walked right in, so it had to be Nev, though I was still upset with her for talking to my parents about Michael.
“I’ll be right back, baby. Someone is knocking. I think it’s Auntie Nev.”
Emily rolled her eyes at me and put her face right in the water, and I grabbed a towel and tried to dry my pajama pants as I hurried to the door. Through the frosted glass, I saw a looming figure and immediately knew it was a male, probably Dad. Whether he was here to continue his lecture or apologize, I had to let him in. It was his property, after all.
However, when I opened the door, I got a shock. It wasn’t Dad at all. It was Michael, and behind him, Nev. I must have looked startled and a mess, with my own hair standing up and my pajamas half-soaked.
“Uh… Hi, Michael?” My brow folded in on itself as Nev mumbled an almost-silent apology and scooted past me. “What are you doing?” I asked as I stepped out the door and shut it behind me. He couldn’t come in. If Emily ran out of the bathroom, he’d take one look at her and my shame would be exposed. She was his mini doppelganger.
“I brought you a coffee. I was hoping we could talk.” He thrust out a paper cup with a cardboard insulator on it, and I smiled at the gesture.
“Emily is in a shower right now, so I…” I glanced over my shoulder and grimaced. “My parents could wake up too. My Dad is a bear if he gets woken up before his alarm.” My excuses seemed very frail, and Michael looked a little wounded.
“Uh, yeah. I should have made sure it was okay. I texted, but…” He stood there staring at me like a puppy who’d just been scolded, and I frowned.
“I’m sorry. But I can walk you to your car.”
Michael’s head dropped, but he nodded in agreement, as if the consolation prize wasn’t going to meet the desire, but there was nothing he could do. I walked beside him as we trekked across the back lawn to the driveway where he parked.
“I’m sorry I popped out like that. Turns out the emergency wasn’t that bad. More drama on my Dad’s part than anything.” Which was the truth. Dad had gone off at me yet again when I got home, and I managed to escape since Emily was in my arms and yawning.
“Come to my house tonight. We can finish our talk,” he said as he reached his door. His eyes held such eager hope, how could I say no?
“Alright,” I said, smiling. But my insides were a storm of uncertainty. What good would talking do if he wasn’t going to change his mind about staying here? As far as I knew, there were no major plans for him to go away, but that didn’t mean he didn’t have something up his sleeve.
“Perfect. I’ll be ready around five. You can come anytime after that.”
“I’ll text you.” I stood and watched as he climbed into his car and backed down the drive, jetting off toward the north. Then tears welled up.
What the heck was I doing? I couldn’t keep leading him on when I knew this would never work. I thought we were so perfect for each other in every way. If that wasn’t enough for him to stay here and be happy, then maybe I was wrong, and maybe we weren’t meant to be. And I knew it was selfish, but I couldn’t let my little girl be whisked off to other countries for weeks on end.
I stood there and sobbed, not even knowing the right thing now. I wished I never took that job at St. Anne’s. None of this would be happening.