Chapter 9 Atticus
ATTICUS
Isaid the words, but would we be? Would I?
The truth was, this thing between Brenna and me had been building since the moment we met. Yeah, we were both too young to recognize it for what it was back then. Thankfully. I wasn’t any more ready for it than she was at the time.
I wasn’t lying when I told her that turning her down that night on her parents’ porch was one of the hardest things I’d ever done.
So many things played into why I had—that her brother was my roommate and best friend, how much I respected her parents and appreciated how I was always welcome in their home, but mainly, it was Brenna.
I knew then that I’d hurt her, and I couldn’t do that.
Now, though, I knew I wouldn’t. I was more worried she’d hurt me, especially after witnessing her phone call with the mystery person last night. I mean, we’d kissed. How could she have done that if she was involved with someone else?
And how crazy was it that I’d suggested we didn’t have to return to separate lives at the end of this mission? More than a little nuts. Except, I meant it. She wouldn’t believe me, but I did.
When the gig with K19 Sentinel Cyber had turned up, I was anxious for the transition away from boots-on-the-ground-style missions.
The idea that I could continue doing what I loved—serving my country and fighting against those who threatened our freedom, our safety, and our lives—and do it mostly from behind a computer, held a fuck of a lot of appeal.
There may have been a time when I would’ve chastised myself for it, but no longer. The few ops I’d run with the K19 crew made a difference. A big difference. We’d taken down bad guys who were just as dangerous as the ones I’d fought against in Afghanistan.
The other thing was that the camaraderie was the same. While our team was made up of men and women who’d been in the military and some who hadn’t, it felt no different from when I graduated from the academy and deployed for the first time.
There were plenty of jokes passed around, calling my chosen branch “Chair Force,” but we fought in the trenches just as much as any of the other armed services did. They knew it as well as I did.
So I had no shame—no regret—about going private and joining a firm where I made more money in a year than I had in five when I was active duty.
I also felt zero remorse for retiring as a major. Yeah, I probably could’ve ranked up a couple more times at least, but that was never my goal.
My goal had always been simple—stay alive and keep things uncomplicated. The same philosophy I’d applied to my relationships. Keep it light, keep it fun, keep it temporary. No one got hurt that way. But Brenna? She was different. She mattered.
After Kodiak sent a group message, saying Emma would arrive with just enough time for him to meet her at the airport and go straight to the party, along with assuring us their cover story was solid and they’d check in when it was over, I went looking for Brenna.
I’d lasted a whole fifty-five minutes before I was no longer able to stand being separated from her.
What if, instead of catching up on emails, she called the guy she’d been talking to last night again?
After what had happened between us this morning? How close we’d come to crossing a line we couldn’t uncross? No way in hell could I stand for her being a cheater. By the time I found her curled up on the ridiculously uncomfortable-looking sofa, my fists were clenched and heat had spread up my neck.
“What’s wrong?” Her brow furrowed when she looked up at me.
“I thought you had emails to catch up on.”
This time, her eyes flared. “I did. And since it didn’t take me as long as I thought it would, I decided to read a book.”
“No phone calls to make?” I sneered.
She closed her tablet, dropped it on the cushion beside her, and glared back at me. “What’s this about?”
“You. And the guy. And cheating.”
I watched as she mouthed the same words I’d just said.
“I can’t believe you’d do that, Brenna.”
Her head cocked. “Where is this coming from?”
“I started thinking about how close we came to…”
“To what?”
My brow furrowed. “You know what I’m talking about.”
“But you can’t say it? How close we came to fucking?”
I scowled. “Don’t be crude.”
She snickered. “Well, it sure as hell wouldn’t have been making love, now, would it?”
“Quit trying to change the subject.”
Her mouth gaped. “From what, you accusing me of being a cheater? Sorry, but this isn’t a conversation we’re going to have.”
She uncurled her legs that had been under her and stood, and I followed when she went into the kitchen. “Who were you talking to last night?”
“No one.”
“If he’s ‘no one,’ then why won’t you tell me who he is?”
“Because he doesn’t exist, Atticus. When I said ‘no one,’ that’s what I meant. I was acting like I was talking to someone.”
I leaned against the counter. “I don’t understand.”
“You hurt me, and when you came looking for me like nothing had happened, I escaped.”
My eyes scrunched as I studied her. “So you pretended you were talking to a guy?”
“No. I pretended I was talking to someone because I didn’t want to talk to you. You’re the one who assumed it was a guy.”
When she scooted around me, I grabbed her arm and spun her to face me. “I’m sorry I hurt you.”
“Which time?”
“Every time.”
Brenna raised her chin. “Blanket apologies don’t cut it with me.”
I snaked my arm around her waist. “I’m sorry you thought I meant to humiliate you last night.”
“And?”
“That I accused you of cheating.”
“And?”
My eyes darted between hers. What else had I done? Shit. I couldn’t think of anything. “Uh…”
She tried to wriggle away, but I tightened my grip around her waist.
“For behaving like a Neanderthal? I’m not sure I can apologize for that.” I reached up and put my hand on the back of her neck. “Because the idea of you with another man drives me insane.”
“How do you think it is for me?”
“There isn’t anyone, and there won’t be.”
She scoffed. “Right.”
Rather than try to convince her with words she wouldn’t believe, I kissed her.
No, I devoured her mouth with all the pent-up, frenzied longing I’d felt for far longer than the days we’d spent together.
I’d wanted her for years, and I was done waiting.
Brenna Austen was mine. Mine. And it was time she knew it.
I’d show her with my lips, my tongue, and every inch of my body.
When she groaned deep and low, I crushed her to me, then trailed kisses from her mouth to her neck. She tasted so fucking good, and I’d never get my fill of her.
“Atticus,” she murmured.
“If you’re going to tell me to stop—”
She gripped my face when I looked up at her, then brought her mouth to mine.
I plundered it, sucking her tongue as she drew me in.
I reached under her and, without releasing her lips, carried her out of the kitchen, over to the stairs, and up to the bedroom, walking her backwards when I set her on her feet.
When we collided with the mattress, I eased her down on it and used my knee to spread her legs so I could rest between them.
“Tell me this is what you want,” I murmured as I raised the hem of her shirt and kissed up the curve of her side.
“I want this.”
I raised the shirt higher and, through the lace of her bra, flicked her nipple with my tongue. “Be more specific.”
“I want you, Mason. I always have.”
My name on her lips made me want to roar. But first, I needed her to understand what this would mean. It wouldn’t be fucking. It would be the two of us joining more than our bodies together. If we did this, I had to know she’d be mine and no one else’s. Not now. Forever.
I pulled the cup of her bra out of my way and swirled her areola with my tongue and rested my hand on her other breast, pinching the nipple between my fingers.
Her back arched, and she grasped at my shoulders.
I raised my head. “Look at me, Brenna.”
Her eyes met mine.
“Please,” she begged.
I shook my head. “There’s something we need to agree to.”
She nodded. “Okay.”
“Once we do this, we’re together. Neither of us walks away. Never.”
“Atticus, I—”
“Mason.”
“All right, Mason. What are you saying?”
Her question relieved me. It meant she was paying attention, not just willing to tell me whatever she thought I wanted to hear. “I’m saying that I want to be with you. However, wherever. You and me. We make this work.”
As the seconds passed without her answering me, the boulder of dread in my stomach became bigger.
I shifted my body so I was lying beside her, and turned her so we were face-to-face. “Brenna?”
“I don’t know what to say.”
I brushed her hair from her forehead. “It’s simple. You tell me that’s what you want too.”
She eased herself out of my arms, turned away, then sat on the other side of the bed with her back to me.
“If this is a game…”
Five words that told me everything I needed to know. Brenna was willing to let me “fuck” her, but nothing beyond that.
I lifted myself off the bed and got three steps to the door before I stopped. I’d hurt her. When she’d thought I didn’t want her. The other time, she’d thought I was playing a game. Then, I had no idea how she felt. Now, I did.
“No,” I said, stalking over to her. I dropped to my knees and put my hands on either side of her hips.
“No, it isn’t a game. It’s me knowing I want you in my life, not just my bed.
It’s me saying I can’t make love to you—and that’s what it is, Brenna—without knowing that, when this day ends, or this week, or this mission, we’re both committed to more than a pretend marriage, more than sharing sheets for as long as our time in California lasts. ”
She didn’t divert her gaze, but she didn’t speak, either. The tears that had pooled in her eyes fell, but no more followed.
“That’s all I’m asking for. Not for you to say you’re ready to spend the rest of your life with me—although I wouldn’t argue if you did.”
She smiled enough for me to see her dimples.
“I just want you to know that I don’t take what we’re about to do lightly. You mean something to me. And I don’t care what Luke told you about my past—”
Brenna crushed her mouth against mine, pressing her tongue against my lips. Unlike before, where I took charge, this time, I let her.
When she lifted my shirt, I held my hands over my head so she could take it all the way off.
Then, when she told me to stand, I kept my hands to myself as she pushed my shorts over my hips.
While her eyes widened when my cock sprang out and she realized I wasn’t wearing boxer briefs, she didn’t speak.
“Can I help?” I asked when she pulled her shirt over her head, then reached around to unfasten her bra. She shrugged it down her arms, and then let it drop to the floor.
I swallowed hard, and my hands clenched then unclenched. I wanted to take her soft pink nipples in my mouth and suck on them until she cried out and arched her back like she had earlier, but I waited.
She pushed me back as she got up and lowered her pants.
Finally, when she stood before me, both of us naked, she spoke. “I want more too, Mason.”
Those words ended my restraint. I lifted her in my arms, set her in the middle of the bed, and spread her legs.
“Do. Not. Move,” I said as I rushed into the bathroom, tore open my toiletry bag, and grabbed the packs of condoms from the side pocket. When I hurried back to the bedroom, she was exactly the way I’d left her.
I stroked myself twice, then rolled the condom on, all the while watching her watch me.
Then, starting with her ankle, I kissed my way up her leg.
This time, instead of stopping right above her knee, I kept going, nuzzling her as I reached the place where her thigh met her mound.
When I licked through her folds, her body jerked, so I held her hips, keeping her right where I wanted her.
I bent my head, slowly swirling her pulsing bundle of nerves with my tongue. Her body bucked, but my grip was enough that I could continue my assault on her pleasure without her stopping me.
Burrowing deeper with my tongue, I rubbed my face in her wetness, then eased one finger into her heat.
The top half of her body came off the bed when I added a second. I alternated between flicking her clit with my tongue and driving it into her wet entrance.
With a strangled cry that came from somewhere deep inside her, Brenna came at the same time I curled my fingers forward.
She clung to me, murmuring what might have been words, but I couldn’t hear them.
I wanted—no, needed—her to come again. Only then would I join our bodies together.
Only then would I allow myself to let go and come with her.
After easing her up from the precipice, I changed my mind. I couldn’t wait a moment longer. I pressed my hardness at her entrance, so slick that I could ease into her, but then stopped, waiting for her body to relax enough so I wouldn’t hurt her.
“Let me in,” I said as I took a nipple into my mouth and sucked hard. Brenna cried out and dug her fingernails into the flesh of my arms.
“Kiss me, Mason. Please. I need you to kiss me.”
Our mouths met, and as my tongue thrust in, so did my cock. She gasped as I went deeper, but didn’t move her mouth from mine.
Every muscle in my body strained when her pussy clenched and I felt her about to go over the edge.
I wanted to wait, take my time, pleasure her again and again and again.
But I’d been waiting what felt like a lifetime.
I couldn’t any longer. I thrust harder, and her body met mine each time.
When her legs wrapped around my waist and she cried my name, I went as deep as I could, pounding into her.
Then, when I felt her essence wash over me, I roared my release.
“God, Brenna,” I shouted as my entire body seized in pleasure.
I sunk into her, our hearts pounding against each other, and she held me to her, tightening her arms and legs. I kissed her again, never wanting to stop.
The mission could be damned. As long as I had Brenna in my arms, nothing else mattered. I never wanted to leave her warmth. I wanted to sleep, then wake, never letting her go.