21. Fiona
Chapter 21
Fiona
Clay sets his mug on the table and faces me. His earnest expression is so different from the cocky sneer from when we first met. He’s the deadliest person I’ve ever encountered, yet I’ve never felt more safe in my life. I can’t stop envisioning his white glowing eyes, and how much it didn’t freak me out. Is there something wrong with me? Am I more messed up than I ever realized? What comes out of his mouth next blindsides me even more than his ability to wield lightning.
“Decades ago, under the ruse of trying to cure cancer, Infinitum deceived James Reilly into funding and researching a way to create super soldiers. Soon after he succeeded, James realized the truth and did whatever he could to put a stop to it.”
My mouth drops open. I’m well aware of Infinitum’s lies, but this? “Infinitum touts James as the benevolent creator of The Chosen. They’re supposed to usher the world into a new era without greed or corruption.”
“They used him.”
The dots connect. “Did they kill him?”
He looks to the side. “They’re responsible for his death.”
He taps the tips of his fingers against his thumb, one at a time, skipping his ring finger and I get lost in the soothing rhythm.
“How do you know all of this?” I ask.
“I work for a man who calls himself Raven. He was part of the original team. He’s taken up the mantle James left behind to stop Infinitum.”
My grip tightens on the mug and my eyes widen. Raven became Infinitum’s persona non grata several years ago. He was trying to shut down the future they were building. A future without greed, hate, or oppression. Someone trying to stop that had to be a bad person. He was a terrorist, in every sense of the word. And now Clay is telling me he’s the exact opposite.
“Everything I know is backwards.”
He nods. “Raven is trying to put an end to the insanity created by Infinitum.”
“If this had happened before my father kicked me out, I wouldn’t have believed you. But now…” I take a sip of the sweet warm liquid and it helps calm more than just my stomach.
“Now?” he asks.
“I’ve found a secret community of people like me. They were excommunicated from the church or left by choice. There are rumors amongst us that the Chosen aren’t willing soldiers in the battle for humanity. A woman named Barbara Davenport died to get the message out.”
“You believe her?”
“I do.”
His shoulders relax and he rubs his jaw.
“What if I told you she was right, and the reason she died was because her son is on my team, and she was trying to protect him?”
“John Sutton? He’s on your team?” He nods and my mind reels with a million questions, but I do my best to narrow them down.
“What about Sylvie Miller? That propaganda video always rubbed me the wrong way. It made no sense. Why would she just kill everyone? Where’s the motive? What’s in it for her?”
I gesticulate with my hands as each question flies out of my mouth and pause when I find him smiling at me.
“There’s hope for the future after all.”
“What do you mean?”
“Sylvie is my sister. What you saw was a bastardized reenactment of when she infiltrated Insidatrex and rescued three of us from imprisonment.”
My jaw drops. “She rescued you that day?”
He nods, a guarded expression settling in his features as he continues. “With Raven’s help, she rescued me, her boyfriend Grant, and his twin brother Charlie. Infinitum would rather have us dead than out in the world running free, so they implanted explosive devices into our brains, unbeknownst to any of us. Once we hit the proximity threshold, Grant’s brains melted right in front of us. Charlie’s implant was disabled because he was scheduled to be moved to a different facility that day, and when I used my electricity to help fight our way out of the building, it fried my implant, so the signal didn’t work. Charlie and I are alive because of pure dumb luck.”
My hand covers my mouth as I stare at him. Her boyfriend? She never killed Grant Bennett. She was trying to save him. We all believed the video like a bunch of sheep. I sigh and shake my head, but an unpleasant thought takes hold. My mind goes on a trail of the horrors Clay must have faced, but I have a feeling they go deeper than anything I could conjure up.
“How long were you there?”
His fingers speed up. “Almost four years.”
I move closer, reaching out a tentative hand, and when he doesn’t shy away, I rest my hand on his arm. “What did they do to you?”
He squeezes his eyes shut and my stomach sinks.
“They came for me the day before my nineteenth birthday. They…” his fists flex, “... tortured my parents in front of me before they killed them and dragged me to hell.”
“I’m so sorry Clay. I’m sorry I–”
He puts his hand up to stop me. “Please don’t apologize. You had nothing to do with what happened to me. Everything you’ve been told is a lie, and believe me, I understand how hard that is to reconcile, but the only way out is through.”
He shakes his head and blows out a breath, his tone becoming lighter. “How’s your stomach? Do you think you can eat?”
He puts my discarded mug back in my hands. “Drink the whole thing.”
He moves to the kitchen and digs around in the pantry. Recognizing he needs space, I stay put, even though all I want to do is hug him and tell him everything will be okay. But is that true?
The church I dedicated my life to is neck deep in nefarious shit. The truth is a hard pill to swallow, but witnessing it forces it down my throat.
Raven is one of the most notorious villains I’ve ever heard of, but he’s been the good guy all along. It’s mind boggling, but I have a lot to unlearn if I’m going to figure out how to survive this. At least I have Clay to guide me through it.
“Dinner is ready,” Clay calls and I startle from my far away stare at the lake through the window on the screen. That’s right. A damn screen in a deep underground bunker in the middle of nowhere. The technology behind what I’ve seen so far is impressive. Some shouldn’t even exist yet. Which means whoever Raven is, he’s got connections. How deep does this rabbit hole go?
I take a seat at the table and Clay sets a steaming bowl of vegetable soup in front of me, along with a glass of water, before he takes the chair to my right.
“Thank you,” I mutter.
He hums his welcome and digs in. We eat in silence, both of us lost in thought until I scoop the last spoonful into my mouth and find him watching me.
“Did you love him?” he blurts, his gaze intense.
I scrunch my brow. “Who?”
“Rafael. Were you in love with him?”
The image of Raf’s dead body flashes in my brain and I wince.
“It’s okay if you were. I just…need to know.”
“He’s been my father’s enforcer since I was a little girl. He was the only person to show me kindness, even when he was slicing me open. My younger self mistook that for love.”
He stares at my hands in my lap.
“When did you stop seeing him?”
“I found him with my stepmother when I was nineteen. We had been dating in secret for a year. If you want to call it dating.”
“What he did to you, Fiona…it’s evil. I’m sorry you had to go through that.”
“Don’t apologize. It’s not your fault.”
“I wasn’t supposed to kill anyone,” he says.
“Why did you?”
He meets my gaze. “Because he hurt you.”
I swallow hard, my pulse picking up. “If you didn’t, I would have.”
He takes my hand. “That’s why I’ll never regret taking away your opportunity, no matter how mad you get. I couldn’t bear to see your soul tainted because of him.”
“And what about your soul?”
He shrugs. “It’s too late for me.”
“Will you tell me why?”
“I will. But you’ve got enough to process for one day.”
My curiosity runs wild, but I don’t want to push him.
“Are Dylan and Paul like you? Are they still alive?”
“Paul is, but Dylan is a civilian working with us. They’re both safe.”
I let out a relieved breath, and he moves closer to me. I lean towards him and pause, blinking at the reduced space between us. “How do you do that?”
He tilts his head, reminding me of a golden retriever, and I smile. “Do what?”
“Pull me in against my will. You infuriate me, but I can’t help but want to be around you.”
He chuckles deep in his throat. “What can I say? I’m magnetic.”
The tension evaporates as we both laugh. “I’m serious. I’ve never been around anyone so–”
“Handsome. Smart. Charming. Sexy. I could go all day.”
“I’m sure you could.”
He puts his hands up, smiling that devilish smirk of his, and I sigh. “Calming. That’s what I was going to say.”
His smile softens. “I like being that for you.”
“I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you, Clay. If there is any way I can help you rescue more Chosen, I will.”
“Agents,” he says. “We call ourselves agents. Chosen sounds so self aggrandizing.”
I huff a laugh, but sober as his eyebrows pull together.
“I don’t know how to…trust. The ability was tortured out of me. But I want to trust you,” he says, taking my hand.
“We can re-learn how to trust together.” That disarming smile of his makes my stomach flutter, and I’m reminded of the intense kiss we shared only a few hours ago.
“I never intended for you to get dragged into this,” he says.
“What did you intend?”
He grins. “I was going to prove you were the mole, get Edgar thrown in jail, dismantle Infinitum, and if I survived that, probably Mai Tais on a beach somewhere with one of those little umbrellas.”
I roll my eyes. “So cliche.”
He shrugs. “I was sixteen the last time I went on vacation. I don’t know what else there is.”
My smile drops as I remember what he is and what he can do. “How long have you been in hiding?”
He strokes his thumb over my knuckles. “Since Infinitum captured me.”
A heavy silence passes between us, but I brush it aside. “Well, we have plenty of time to come up with something epic.”
He squeezes my hand and meets my gaze head on. “Don’t fall in love with me, okay? The stuff I told you tonight is just scratching the surface. We can be friends, but I’m way too fucked in the head for anything else. Unless, of course, the mattress tango is still on the table.”
I narrow my gaze. I almost forgot what an ass he can be. “We need to do something about that ego of yours.”
He laughs. “Hey, you’re the one who can't stay away.”
“It's wearing off now.”
“Good,” he says, dropping my hand and I fight the disappointment. He stands, pushing in his chair.
“I’m gonna clean up and crash. You take the bed. I’ll take the couch.”
“I’ll clean up the dishes.”
He smiles and I soak in his easy going nature, letting it soothe my nerves as I go about my task. All talk of love aside, there’s an undeniable connection between us. If anyone deserves to be called a superhero, it’s him. He was protecting me long before he confirmed I wasn’t working for Edgar. It would be easy to fall in love with him, but he’s right. If ever there was a man who could shatter my heart, it would be the super soldier in the next room.
I waddle to the couch, cursing myself for agreeing to work out with a scientifically enhanced super soldier. What the hell was I thinking?
After four days of reading, watching movies, and talking with Clay about Infinitum, I was bored. That’s what I was thinking. Plus, the idea of watching him shirtless in all his muscled glory was a huge deciding factor. Worth it.
I flop onto the couch next to him, muscles I haven’t used in decades screaming their silent anger as I groan again. Clay grins at me with his stupid, pretty eyes over the rim of his mug.
“I had no idea you were such a whiny baby.”
“Us mere mortals weren’t designed for such torture.”
His eyes dim and I curse myself. “Sorry. Bad word choice.” I wince again as I try to adjust, and he tosses a pillow at me. I stuff it behind my back and relax into it with a sigh.
He showered first, but his hair is still damp. It falls into his eyes as she sets his mug on the side table. He slicks it back with a quick swipe of his hand, only for it to fall forward again.
“We should talk about that,” he says.
I frown. “What?”
“The torture Infinitum is capable of.”
“Oh. That.”
“If Infinitum finds me, they’ll get as much information out of me as they can before they kill me. If they capture you, they might do the same.”
“Is that something you're comfortable talking about? I don’t want to open up old wounds.”
He shrugs, hugging a pillow to his chest. “I’ve talked about it with Charlie. He’s my therapist.”
“Does it help?”
He shrugs again. “Sometimes. But you should know what you’re up against. It could save your life.”
I sit up straighter, wincing again as I pull my feet under me, and lean against the armrest.
“They have a brainwashing program. I don’t know if it’s used on civilians or if it's only designed for super soldiers, but they simulate scenarios in your mind.”
I frown. “What scenarios?”
“They can make you believe anything they want. Your ally could become your enemy. They could turn you against your family, your lover, or anyone else you care about. You could be forced to kill them, to torture them, and the simulations are so real you don’t know it’s fake until they pull you out. They do it so often that they replace your old memories with new ones. It’s the most evil thing you can do to a person.”
My hand covers my mouth.
“Elijah’s father created the program.”
“Dennis Davenport? He was killed in that terrorist attack–” I cut off, my eyes going wide and Clay nods.
“I was part of the team sent to rescue John. Barbara killed Dennis, and Infinitum killed her when she distracted them long enough for us to escape. John’s proximity device was wrapped around his spine. My sister saved him.”
“His spine exploded, and she saved him? How?”
His fingers move, tapping his thumb one at a time, so I put my hand on his shoulder. “Nevermind. You don’t have to answer that.”
He sighs, hanging his head and running a hand through his hair again. “I want to tell you, I just can’t risk my family.”
My heart squeezes. “What do you feel comfortable telling me?”
He relaxes a bit, and I take my hand back. “Your almost father-in-law was one of my handlers for the last year of my captivity.”
My stomach surges. “That’s why you hid in the closet.” Was I so close to this madness? God, of course I was. I’m such an idiot.
“Each of us had a handler. They were in charge of our programming and doled out punishments and rewards as they saw fit. I was nothing more than a trained dog.”
“Was Andrew…” I can’t even finish the question.
He shakes his head. “I’m not sure, but he’s about to be promoted. That’s why Deanna stole him from you. She wants the power of his new position.” He rubs his jaw. “I know I already apologized, but I flirted with Deanna because she could have recognized me. I was trying to distract her, but I hated every minute of it.”
I shake my head. “She’s the worst.”
“No. She’s not,” he mutters.
He stares straight ahead for a long moment, then meets my gaze. “My first handler was a psychotic, delusional bitch.” The venom in his tone startles me. I’ve never heard him talk about another person with such vitriol.
“She seduced me, groomed me at a young age, and programmed me to fall in love with her. For the first few months, it wasn’t all bad. I was a nineteen-year-old getting laid by a sexy as hell woman. Every teenage boy’s dream, right?” There’s obvious sarcasm in his voice, and I cringe at the imagery.
“But then the manipulation really started, and the dream turned into a nightmare. She forced me to perform sexual acts with other people. Men and women, it didn’t matter. I lived for her approval, and I would do anything for it. She asked me to do things that I will never voice out loud to anyone. And I did them without hesitation, even if they resulted in injury to me or someone else. I always healed, so it’s like it never happened. But the evil doesn’t go away. It lives in my head, festering and fighting for control. I battle the darkness every day just to stay sane.”
His tapping starts up again, and he stares into space. I do my best to keep the horror from my face and scoot closer to him. He continues to speak like he’s on autopilot, not even aware of my presence.
“When I failed to get Candace pregnant, she abandoned me. As sick as it is, that was the worst part. I never felt more alone in my entire life. Dr. Chen took over, and I withdrew into that darkness.”
He sniffs and runs a hand over the stubble that’s been growing in over the past few days. “If Sylvie hadn’t rescued me when she did, it might not have mattered. I was a shell of a man when she found me.”
A tear travels down his cheek, matching my own. Words fail me, but my emotions are overwhelming. How do you comfort someone who’s been through something so horrific? Evil like that should not exist. And that it’s paraded around as something good my entire life makes me sick.
He blinks at me like he’s coming out of a fog when I straddle his lap. I wrap my arms around his neck and hug his head to my chest, like I can somehow absorb his pain. His arms fold around me and he squeezes me tight.
It’s a miracle he has any faith left in humanity, let alone have the desire to protect them. I cup his face in my hands and smile at him through my tears.
“You’re beautiful,” I whisper.
His eyes glimmer. “Pretty sure I’m supposed to tell you that.”
I shake my head, wiping away his remaining tears with my thumbs. “This world doesn’t deserve you.”
His gaze softens, and he rests his forehead against mine. “I killed her,” he whispers, and I freeze.
“When we rescued John, she was doing the same thing to him. She was obsessed with carrying the child of a Chosen.”
My God. The emotions must have torn him apart.
“I still loved her, even as I burned her body with my powers. So before you get all heart eyed over this hero complex thing, let it sink in that I’m a murderer, Flowers. I’ve killed and I’ll kill again. I’m no one’s fucking white knight and I’m not a hero. Superman never would have done any of that shit.”
“Yeah, well. Superman was an alien. He wasn’t subjected to years of abuse by a madwoman. You did what you had to do to survive and keep your family safe. Nobody would fault you for that.”
His hands move to my hips as he sinks against the cushion behind him with a sigh. “Stubborn woman.”
I smile, my gaze dropping to his lips. “You don’t scare me, lightning boy.”
“Oh hell no. My code name is Firebolt. Thank you very much.”
We both laugh, but the humor fades as we stare at one another, the air filling with anticipation. He grows hard beneath me and I bite my lip.
“You make me want to let go of it all,” he whispers, moving his hands up my body. My heart bursts into a gallop.
“Would that be such a bad thing?”
I brush my lips against his and that’s all it takes. He kisses me, tangling his hands in my hair and I grind against him, unable to stop myself. His hands roam my body and I yank off his shirt, rushing back in to kiss him again, but he yanks away and I frown.
“I can’t do this,” he says.
He sighs, resting his hands on my thighs. “I’m a lonely bastard with a mountain of baggage. I have no right to dump that on anyone. As much as I want to give you what you deserve, it’s just not a possibility. I came on strong back at Reilly Tech because I was too wrapped up in the fantasy. I would give anything for it to be real, but it doesn’t work that way.”
“You’re the one who said we both have demons in our closets.”
“Don’t forget the skeletons.”
“I’m damaged too, Clay. You know what my father and Rafael did to me. You don’t think I have my own mountain of baggage? My own darkness? I’m not saying we have to get married. I’m just saying we both deserve to find a little happiness in this shitstorm.”
He pauses, searching my face, before he sighs and shakes his head. “You don’t want this.”
“And when did you become an expert on what I want?”
He moves me to the cushion next to him so he can stand. “What don’t you get, Fiona? I murdered Candace. I murdered Raf, and I have zero remorse. None. I wouldn’t hesitate to do it again.” He paces, chopping the air with his hand for emphasis.
“And? Those kills were justified.”
He shakes his head. “That’s your Infinitum upbringing talking. What I did is not normal, Fiona. I’m not normal.”
I scoff. “You think I’m normal? You said it yourself. I was raised by Infinitum.”
He pauses and stares down at me. “So was I.”
The silence drags on as I try to decipher what he’s saying.
“They made me hate my parents. They erased the love I had for them and replaced it with love for Candace and Infinitum. It took years for me to get my love for them back. Do you know what it’s like to try to earn forgiveness from your dead parents? It’s a special kind of torture. Especially considering I’m the reason they're dead.”
I shake my head. “It’s not your fault—”
“No,” he barks, and I startle. He sighs, rubbing a hand down his face. “No,” he says again in a much gentler tone. “I’ve heard it all before. But nobody knows the truth. Nobody was there the night I got my parents killed.”
My face falls. His fingers tap a rhythm as he stares at the floor.
“Our powers stay dormant until we’ve received a special activation serum. Once activated, it takes a traumatic event to get them to manifest.”
My throat tightens as I brace myself for whatever he’s about to say.
“That night, the team who came to collect me didn’t have the correct serum. When they began torturing my parents and it didn’t work, they escalated.”
Tears fall from his eyes and he stares at the wall, lost in the horrible memories.
“They put a gun to my mom’s forehead and told me they were going to rape her unless I told them to shoot.”
My hand covers my mouth as tears well.
“I couldn’t do it. I had the chance to save her from a brutal, agonizing death, and I couldn’t do it.”
He clenches his fist. “With tears in her eyes, she smiled and told me it would be okay, even as they tore her clothes off. She told me it would be okay as they shoved her onto the floor. My dad fought like hell, knocking out one of them before they put a bullet in him. I did nothing as he bled out. They made my mom’s last few moments on earth a living nightmare and I just sat there and pissed myself while they made me watch. When they finished, she looked me in the eye and said it would be okay. And then they shot her, too. Nothing was okay after that.”
There are no words of comfort for something so unimaginable. I stand, wrapping my arms around him from behind as my tears soak his shirt. He squeezes my clasped hands before he untangles himself and steps away.
“I’ve never told anyone those details. If you ever meet my sister, please don’t tell her.”
“I promise. I’ll take it to my grave.”
He wipes at his face and nods.
“I failed my mom and dad. I failed Candace.” He drags his gaze to mine. “I refuse to add you to the list.”
He walks away without a word, closing the bedroom door behind him. I sink to the sofa, stifling my cries.
Infinitum made him believe he was nothing. They took his self esteem and wrapped it in guilt. Yet, despite the horror they forced him to endure, he’s still here, willing to do anything to stop them.
His hatred for me when he assumed I was working for Infinitum makes sense in horrific clarity. But he still wanted me, still protected me. He doesn’t see the brave man who risked his life to save someone he considered an enemy. Infinitum damaged him, but they didn’t break him. They did their utter worst, and he survived. Just like I survived my father. If anyone can understand what he’s been through, it’s me. I can’t change what happened to him, but I can at least show him he doesn’t have to live under Infinitum’s shadow for the rest of his life. Neither of us do.