Chapter 21 #3
“Am I?” I pursed my lips as I shuffled to catch up to him.
Ironically, Vann had always been the actual over thinker between the two of us, so I guess I was accurately portraying his character by accident.
I’d never seen myself as the type to think more than I acted, as evidence by my current predicament, but compared to some of these meatheads, thinking at all seemed to count as too much.
“Maybe that’s why you’re such a fast thinker, because you’re always processing so many ridiculous ideas at once.” He snorted, and I didn’t know if that was insulting or sweet.
My personal bias that enjoyed Breaker’s company decided it was sweet.
“We’re supposed to lean into our strengths, right?
” Still, it was refreshing and easy to talk to him, so I didn’t mind the conversation as I slowly came down from that high.
In another life and another world, I might have developed a crush on a guy like him.
But I existed in neither of those circumstances.
“I want to be an asset, but I feel like every time I make progress, it’s never enough. ”
“Probably does feel that way.” He shrugged.
“But feelings and reality aren’t always as closely linked as you might think.
” He started taking off his shirt as we neared the locker room, not waiting the three more minutes until we were back indoors.
I’d gotten one percent good at not letting my gaze linger on the perfect lean physique of the only person who treated me like I wasn’t a burden.
“If you want Seba to see you as a peer instead of a problem, take that perseverance and tactical thinking that you just showed everyone, and use it in the VR Simulation. If you make rank, no one can doubt you. That’s what he really wants to see.
” He paused, slung that shirt over his shoulder, then gave me a gentle grin. “I want to see you make rank, too.”
“You’re just saying that because, as my mentor, it’ll make you look good.” I puffed up my cheeks, and Breaker laughed.
“Probably. But who doesn’t love a David and Goliath story? You’re smart, you’re clever, and the fact that you jumped two-thousand ranks last Evaluation tells me you’re even more than that.”
He actually noticed my rank increase? Seba didn’t even seem to care about that, and he was the squadron leader.
As much as I wanted to squeal with delight and go into a full gushing diatribe about how excited I was to have gotten anywhere near a Shinka, I opted to instead do the manly thing by swallowing any semblance of feelings in favor of an approving grunt.
Breaker was right, really. I could talk all I wanted, and I could do well enough on the mat to get a few surprised gasps, but it was what I could do in a Shinka that mattered. If I wanted Sebastian Takeyama to acknowledge me, I had to show him I was worth his time, and I had to do it quickly.
We entered the locker room, and parted ways to head to our individual lockers. No matter how many times I endured this, I still considered this my least favorite and most volatile part of my day.
I kept my eyes trained forward, refusing to let my peripheral vision acknowledge the too many dicks that were out and just hanging there, with no shame or underwear to conceal them.
I refused to take showers in the communal bathing area, and I was legitimately thankful my unfortunate dorm assignment had come with a very fortunate private bathroom, but that only made the whole experience a fraction of a percent less traumatizing.
It was possible that part of why I’d been largely ostracized by most of my peers at this point was more to do with how I smelled than it was about my size and performance, in hindsight, but sometimes in life you’re the king of the world, and sometimes you’re the sweaty kid.
I knew my place, and that place was not being naked in a men’s shower.
I’d already seen enough of the guys whip each other with rolled up towels, unabashedly naked wrestle, and slap each other’s asses. I would not be risking it.
Men were weird as fuck when they were all naked together.
They didn’t seem to care at all that they were exposed or vulnerable, and if anything, they were always ribbing and making fun of each other like locker rooms were a sanctuary of freedom and oddly erotic-but-definitely-not-homosexual bonding.
Yet another way I’d been robbed in my social conditioning. I’d never seen a group of girls behave like this. The gossiping and locker room talk, sure, but what was with all this touching?
Is personal space in the building with us?
Staying out of all of that, I was settled on a small bench in front of my small locker, where I took off my shirt and hoped I would survive another wardrobe change in this anarchy against social appropriateness.
“Twins? Who knew you could make so much baby with so little dick.” A man with station-born silver hair laughed a few lockers over, while ribbing his medium-grey haired squad mate.
I wasn’t sure whose units they were part of.
There were too many names to keep track, and with fifteen stations to pull draftees from, all of these white and gray haired guys with mustaches started to blend together after a while.
“Yeah well Clair thinks it's plenty. I already got approval to leave campus for the wedding while you fucks will be stuck in Basics.” The grey haired guy shot back with a touch of vehemence in his tone. “Maybe if you contributed to society, they’d let you out of the basement from time to time, too.”
“Wedding? The hell you getting married for?” Silver was one of those guys who guffawed over his own unfunny jokes, and it was exhausting even as someone non-consensually listening to this too-loud exchange.
“The girls in the match system are so desperate to get fucked by soldiers, why would you stop at the first pussy you ever stuck it in, just because you put a couple babies in her?”
“Marriage doesn't mean you can’t keep dipping into the match system.” A third guy with blue hair chimed in, “I've got three girls on call, two of which are pregnant, and one of which is already taking care of my first son. They don’t care as long as they’re getting paid.”
“Did you miss the part where I said she’s pregnant with twins?
My twins. Both girls, by the way,” Grey added, for emphasis.
“Do you have any idea how many credits we’ll get for having two girls?
Why wouldn’t I marry a woman who not only likes me, but has a womb that favors females?
You guys are fucking clowns.” He waved them both off, and I hated this conversation in every direction.
Even the one guy trying to defend his commitment was still talking about his future wife like she was a good-quality tool rather than a person.
Maybe Vann had a point about not knowing how men spoke to each other when women weren’t around. I was expecting crass jokes, but I wasn’t expecting the dehumanization and bad science. I hadn’t been into dating before, but the weeks I’d been here only further cemented that outlook.
It was such a confusing thing to live in a constant state of misery and torture, and yet know this was still the better path for me than getting involuntarily matched with a guy like one of them.
“You say that now, but you’ll want another one eventually after she pops out those kids and she’s so loose you can’t even feel it anymore. I’m just saying, no reason to stop at—”
“Will you shut the fuck up,” Elio cut in sharply, interrupting the conversation with a shocking amount of anger that I’d never even received from him. “You realize those women you’re talking about are fucking human beings, right?”
“We couldn’t breed with them if they weren’t,” Blue said with a roll of his eyes. He had impressive audacity in the face of Elio’s balled fist. “It’s just a joke, Captain.”
“Is it? I guess I missed the punch line. How about you explain it to me.” He approached the three men with a terrifying menace, and I was trying not to stare.
“W-well…” Blue staggered back, while Silver shrunk away, and Grey tensed in his seat on the bench.
“I’m waiting.” He had a good five or six inches on all of them, and I’d admit, I had very little sympathy for whatever they brought on themselves right now.
“Half those girls come from the slums, so we’re doing them a favor.
You know how it is,” Silver attempted to save his friend.
“I’m sure you don’t have any trouble pulling girls from the—” that was the trigger that had Silver’s neck in a vice grip, his head banged against a locker, and Elio’s whole person in his face.
“How it is, is women from the ‘slums’ who you so proudly look down on, don’t get a fucking choice.
They’re forced into that fucking system, and they get pathetic excuses for men like the three of you using them to pass on your worthless seed, thinking that’s the safest way to survive, because their own fucking government treats them like subservient fucking cattle.
” He tightened his grip, until Silver’s face was as blue as his friend’s hair, and I sure as fuck wasn’t going to stop this.
If anything, I was startled to hear those words from him, of all people.
A guy who looked and ranked like Elio would have entire Protectorates begging for his attention.
They were the ultimate winners in the match system, and the least likely to challenge it.
“If I ever hear you say that shit again, I’ll make sure those ‘girls are getting paid’ the widow rates. ”
He released Silver after giving him one more hard slam into the locker, then he walked away. The three men scrambled to get dressed and get out of the locker room, no longer saying a word between them.
Elio walked by me, and some misguided but grateful part of me felt it necessary to say “thank you for saying that” before he was out of earshot.
“How far have we fallen as a species when saying that merits a thank you.” He scoffed, though it wasn’t at me.
“Anyone who thinks the match system is saving the lowly commoners instead of putting people in a position where the only way to survive is by ingratiating themselves to the same assholes who put the boot on their necks is fucking oblivious. Like growing up in the slums makes us a bunch of dogs begging for rotten scraps from the lowest common denominator.” And this was one of the least hostile interactions we would probably ever have.
The subtle use of ‘us’ made it very clear that this was far more personal than anyone in this locker room would ever realize.
And more startling still, it also implied he considered me a part of his ‘us.’ I suppose I did tell him I relied on assistance programs to stay alive, but… why was he so offended by the matching system?
If I didn’t find this man so terrifying and unpleasant, I might actually want to know more about where that extreme reaction was coming from.
Whether he was from the slums or not, I’d half expect him to think the same way as them.
It was a common enough sentiment, anyway.
Having a sister or a mother or a daughter or a friend who was female usually wasn’t enough to convince a man to see women as human.
But then again, all I really knew about Elio was that he was in the foster system and was a war orphan like I was. There were a million ways that could play out, and an impressive number of them were traumatizing.
“How unlike powerful people to design a whole system where all you have to do to survive is submit to getting fucked.” I forced a half-hearted smile, while my stomach was still churned from listening to that conversation.
He shared my darkly amused smirk before giving me a look that was as confused as I was that I was choosing to talk to him, then he shook his head. “If you need more incentive to quit being so pathetic, do it so you can make people like that shut up. I’m sure your sister would have appreciated it.”
He continued out of the locker room, leaving me to absorb that.
I was almost surprised he cared enough to recall I “had a sister” though. I wanted to laugh at the implication that he was better at defending that sister than I was, all things considered, but it was almost a sweet statement.
To my great chagrin, I resumed getting dressed with a marginal increase in my respect for the man. But it was only marginal, and it was important to note that respect and forgiveness were not the same.
Still, maybe there was more to him than met the eye. We’d see how long this hopeful outlook lasted.