Chapter 41 #2
I pinched the bridge of my nose and squeezed my eyes shut, only to find myself picturing his quiet resting face as he nuzzled into my chest.
Did… did that count as cuddling? Did I just fucking cuddle Vann to sleep?
It’s not cuddling if you beat them up first.
… Then it’s just aftercare.
Fuck, stop. My brain was a traitor. That was a completely platonic sharing of body heat, at best, because that room was always cold. It wasn’t like I’d been thinking about kissing him.
I bit my lip, as that vivid thought was enough to arrest a breath in my lungs, heat my whole face, and spread a confusing tingle in my chest, and holy fuck, I wasn’t imagining it.
I didn’t even know how…
To…
Imagine it…
“If your friend made rank, I assume he’s performed well in the simulator?” Lochlan interrupted my spiral with a much less volatile question, and my whole body jerked as I forced myself to latch onto that instead.
I cleared my throat, blaming alcohol and sleep deprivation for my temporary lapse in sanity.
“Surprisingly well. His sync in VR is flawless.” Yes, let’s talk about his synchronization.
Focus. I can have this conversation for sure.
“They gave him the Mort Vol Project as his rank up mission, making him one man versus twenty of the highest ranked soldiers, and he came out on top.” Paying Vann compliments was a lot easier when he wasn’t in earshot, and I didn’t know what that said about me.
I wasn’t going to note the fact that he beat me in the simulation once, however. That was dumb luck anyway.
Lochlan got up for another cup, grabbing mine to refill it without needing to ask.
“How long has he been at Astaroth?” He set the cups back down on the table and settled in across from me again.
“Just over three months. Seems he’s a natural at it.” I didn’t wait for the coffee to cool at all before I downed another hefty gulp. “He actually got slotted into my dorm room, so I’m guessing the Administrators knew he would have a knack for it after the entrance exam.”
“I see.” Lochlan’s expression shifted near imperceptibly, before he turned to me with soft neutrality. “I’m surprised you’re able to sleep with those arrangements.”
Always the concerned father figure. “I’m pretty good at improvising.”
“That you are.” He agreed. “You’ve always got a place here if the military doesn’t work out you know. You would be a great Modifier.”
That always felt good to hear. Mictlan City was my home by birth, but this shop was my home by choice.
“Maybe after the war’s over and everything settles down again.
” I waved off the suggestion anyway. It sounded like a much more peaceful life than anything else I would get up to, but peaceful didn’t suit me.
Still, there was no reason to dash his hopes.
Lochlan returned his focus to his drink, then moved on to what should have been idle small talk. “I’m surprised to see you up so early, by the way. You both got in quite late. Did you sleep at all?”
Huh? “I was about to say that you’re up late.” I rolled my eyes at the old man who never got to bed later than 16:00. Maybe he’d lost track of which light cycle we were in.
He stared at me with confusion, and that prompted me to check my CHRONO, like there was some weird joke I was missing.
And there was.
Because it was…
“It’s 4:30,” he said. He tapped his window control, opening the blackout panel to reveal the first hints of a rising sun. “I’ve already gotten a full night’s sleep, with the exception of your little interruption. You’re early, I’m not late”
I choked on my coffee for the second time this morning, over the same person no less, and I pushed the cup away with a start.
“I just looked at the clock, and it was 17:30.” My thoughts manifested aloud. I was shaking as I stared at the four on my CHRONO that corroborated his timeline instead of my own. Maybe I’d misread the time. A seventeen could look like a four if I was drunk enough, probably.
… And yet I’m currently hung over and not drunk…
“Sounds like you’ve gotten much better at improvising.” He chuckled, while I just stared straight ahead, at a loss for words. “That’s a good thing, Elio,” he emphasized, as blood drained from my face. “Even if it’s not romantic, if Vann is helping you heal, then he’s welcome here any time.”
“Y-yeah,” my words came out with a stammer. If ever I’d been rocked to my core, I was right now. “Speaking of which, I should go check on him. He’s got Orientation in two hours and we need to get back soon.”
Lochlan gave me a nod, and I dismissed myself with a less than casual sense of panic.
The walk to my old room was entirely too long when I was now alone with the realization that I just fell asleep in that fucking room, while he was physically laying on me, and my face was buried in his hair, and that didn’t make any damn sense.
I was breaking out in fucking goose bumps just thinking about it.
What the fuck. What the fuck.
It was the alcohol.
I never drank outside of the rare special occasion anymore, and even then I’d never gone far enough to black out.
I hadn’t really blacked out last night either.
I still remembered everything. I remembered him asking a lot of unexpectedly probing questions.
I remembered showing him my scars, him following every line with his fingers, and how electric his touch had felt as he slid along such a damaged part of my skin.
Him nudging up next to me like I was somewhere safe to rest.
The way my heartbeat picked up too many beats per minute.
The neediness as he tucked himself just right against my shoulder.
I remembered how perfectly he fit there.
I got to the door of the room, and I hesitated to open it. For entirely too long, I just stood there, with one hand hovering over the access panel and the other a fist in my hair, pulling until it hurt.
It didn’t mean anything.
None of this meant anything.
These star-forsaken thoughts didn’t mean anything.
He didn’t know.
He wouldn’t ask why I’d been able to sleep in the same room as him.
I wouldn’t have to try to explain it.
I couldn’t explain it.
I didn’t want to.
I committed to pressing my palm into the panel, and the door slid open. Vann was still sleeping. He looked so peaceful there. He was cute in a way that no grown man should be, and fuck me, why was I noticing that at all.
I cleared my throat as if that might also clear these constant observations from my head, and that was enough for Vann to start to stir.
“Top of the morning, Mishka,” I teased, hoping that speaking with some amount of normalcy would make me feel like this wasn’t terrifying in its every implication.
Romantic? Lochlan had asked, and my soul constricted in my chest. Why was I recalling that word of all words right now?
This wasn’t romantic. In the twenty-four years I’d been alive, I have never felt that way about anyone.
I was quite certain I couldn’t feel that way about another person.
Even in the handful of times I’d gotten off with someone else’s body, it was never something that could be mistaken for intimacy.
I watched him as he rubbed his eyes, still coming out of the vulnerable position of sleep.
My throat bobbed in an effort to clear some unexplained lump that had settled there.
Just because I’d come to respect him, that didn’t mean I saw him like that. It wasn’t as though I was trying to form some connection. I must have been so tired that my body couldn’t fight it anymore. I certainly wasn’t attracted to…
“I’m much closer to the bottom of the morning.” He held a tired smile as he met my gaze. His easy expression was respite from the complicated thoughts swirling through my head. “The academy is going to be a new version of hell today.”
“Hey now. Every day is a new version of hell when you’re at Astaroth.” I attempted to follow his lead, pretending everything was just fine and normal and same as always.
“Only because you’re there,” he offered his usual sarcasm, and that made it so much easier.
“It’s my pleasure to have made such an impact.
” I took a mock bow. “Now come on. Let’s get back.
You need to get to your Orientation, and I need to get to Basics.
Seba’s already going to be in a mood, and I don’t want to add any extra fuel to that fire by being late and making a scene. ” I offered him a hand.
He laughed in quiet agreement as I helped him to his feet.
He straightened out his clothing, then he bent to grab his discarded jacket. I froze and he froze as we both noticed it at the same time.
It was anger, fear, concern, and shock all at once that passed through my mind next.
“Vann, you’re bleeding.”