CHAPTER 4 #2
The sergeant plugged her iPod into the vehicle's aux port, and music started playing. Roxy's concentration lasted only one song. The singer’s voice completely mesmerized Roxy. She was focused only on the lyrics—she'd never heard anything more beautiful in ages.
"Sergeant, who are they?" Roxy asked.
"A Canadian band from Montreal. SNARL. Making quite a name for themselves."
"They're actually brilliant."
The Sergeant looked really pleased. "And wait till you clock the lead singer, Second Lieutenant. God, she's absolutely fit."
The vocals, all restraint and rage at once, sent shivers down Roxy's spine.
For the first time since she joined the Army, Roxy remembered she was more than just a useful tool responding to triggers.
That night, she listened to the entire record twice, and the raw energy of SNARL never left her ears.
"Roxy?" Ellen asked, back in reality. "You looked somewhere else."
"Sorry, Ellen. I lost myself in my memories. It's just that… I really love that song, but I am back with you completely." Ellen reacted to the tone of the word 'completely,' as if she was happy to hear it.
"You know, Roxy, 'Undivided'' is one of my favourite songs my sister wrote.
I heard it a hundred times, on record or live, but it still makes me cry.
My sister has this ability to put into words what I'm feeling without me even having to tell her.
It's unsettling at times." A beat. "And she did it again yesterday with a song for the next album—and here I am over-sharing my life again. "
"Stop, Ellen. Tell me more about yourself. My curiosity is piqued. And I'm a bit shocked to find myself face to face with the girl at the heart of one of my favourite songs."
At this point, Roxy went completely off script.
Part of her wanted to backtrack, but another part, calmer and clearer, wanted to continue her path.
She watched Ellen closely, who was completely unaware.
Ellen was simply a beautiful woman with a drink in her hand, sitting in a room too noisy, reminiscing about a wound that had shaped her.
"I was supposed to go see them," she added. "Charles had bought me tickets to their Sydney show for my birthday, but unfortunately, it was cancelled."
"Charles?" Ellen asked, sounding troubled. Roxy realized too late that Ellen's expression had changed dramatically and that she was struggling to keep a smile on her face.
"Oh, excuse me. Charles is my boyfriend," Roxy said. Her laugh was intended to be lighthearted, but it was tinged with an inexplicable sense of regret. The sight of Ellen's face crumbling was striking.
"Ah, so you have a boyfriend…" Ellen's voice chirped with an unconvincing brightness, and she added under her breath, for only herself, "Of course." But Roxy had heard her without a doubt. "Um, well, here's the scoop, you... um... can try again in November when they come back."
An awkward quiet settled between them, something new since their initial contact, and Ellen couldn't bring herself to meet Roxy's eyes.
Roxy felt a sudden, inexplicable loss of spontaneity and ease, as if it had vanished like magic.
Though Ellen's eyes clearly betrayed her disappointment, she masked it carefully.
Roxy had only one question in mind: What was the reason for this disappointment?
Roxy tried to turn the conversation away from the awkwardness by asking Ellen a question. "What about you, Ellen? Did you move here with your boyfriend, or is he waiting for you in Montreal?"
Still without looking at Roxy, an expression of amusement crossed Ellen's face and a light chuckle slipped out.
"Quite a direct way of asking if I'm single.
" Her tone was calm, and she had regained control of herself and looked at her.
"No, Roxy, I don't have a boyfriend. And I'm not interested in having one either. "
"Ah, so your career is your top priority right now." Ellen burst out laughing in front of a stunned Roxy. "What?" she asked, amused by Ellen's reaction.
"Sorry, I swear I'm not mocking you… Roxy, just back up a sec. I don't want to only focus on my career, and I'm not looking for a boyfriend either, so..."
And she tilted her head in the most adorable way Roxy had ever seen. Why am I noticing this?' Roxy wondered.
"Oh! You are... um…"
"Queer as fuck? You bet I am." Ellen's pride was so striking to Roxy that it was clear Ellen enjoyed teasing Roxy.
Roxy froze on the spot. She attempted to contain her reaction, yet the impact of this revelation was palpable. It was clear she had not expected this.
And the worst part? She felt interested and relieved.
Ellen gave one last push while raising an eyebrow, then questioned, "Roxy, are you surprised?" Roxy was captivated by the way Ellen said her name, utterly unable to resist.
"A bit to be honest, but not in a bad way."
Not in a bad way? WTF?
Roxy felt her face flush. She had never experienced this feeling before. At least not as strong.
She knew Taylor Caldwell was queer. Because, you know, which girl, straight or not, didn't crush on Taylor Caldwell at some point in her life?
She was Meredith's ultimate fantasy back in the day.
But Roxy would never have guessed that her identical twin sister was also queer.
And before she could think twice, Roxy let herself ask, "So, a girlfriend? "
Three words with weighty consequences.
Ellen cheered Roxy on with a teasing smile. "You seem like you really want me to tell you if I'm single."
But Roxy simply nodded in agreement, afraid of going further down a path whose end she had no idea where it lay. But the urge to justify herself was much more compelling than her willpower. "I just wondered if someone was waiting for you in Montreal."
Ellen's expression became more serious after Roxy's question. It was as if the lightness of the last few minutes had suddenly become heavy.
She broke eye contact and stared at her glass as she replied, "There has been no one waiting for me in Montreal for quite some time now.
" This was followed by a sad attempt at laughter.
A small tear rolled down her cheek, which she quickly wiped away.
"God, I am sorry. Things were pretty tough last year. "
"Don't be." That's it. Roxy now had access to a vulnerable and open Ellen, which, from an operational standpoint, was terrific for her. However, Roxy just wanted to take her in her arms and give her a comforting hug.
Why did Roxy ask that?
What answer was she really hoping for?
Though things seemed normal again, Roxy could tell Ellen was still a bit uncomfortable, her gaze flickering away when their eyes met.
The thing was, even the most neutral topics seemed to be triggers that could make them fall silent again, such as when Roxy enthusiastically shared some recommendations for exploring the city.
"It's a bit far from here, but I suggest a walk if that's your thing.
It takes you to Barrenjoey Lighthouse. I swear the view is incredible, and you can see whales in the winter.
I've done it a few times with Charles when we need to escape the city. "
His name, 'Charles,' slipped out of Roxy's mouth before she could stop it. Ellen didn't respond immediately, preferring to turn slightly, her gaze fixed on the window. Her face was neutral. But Roxy finally noticed it: a slight movement at the corner of her mouth.
Ellen let out a quiet sigh. "Got it," Ellen said, and that was it.
Roxy knew she had strayed from the script she had learned. Not the one for the operation, but the script about her own life and personality. It was time for her to pull herself together. She forced a small smile as she addressed Ellen. "Excuse me for a moment—I need to use the restroom."
Ellen looked up. "Sure," she said. Her tone was neutral, but something in her gaze softened. "I'll be here."
Those three words shouldn't have meant so much to Roxy, but they struck her right in the heart.
I'll be here.
Roxy nodded before turning around and heading for the restroom.
Luckily for Roxy, it was one of those private, fully equipped restrooms. She hurried into the only one available and locked the door behind her. She took out her secure phone to inform the operations centre of the latest developments.
Asset 45943 – Secure - 9:50 PM Contact successfully established with Prodigy.
Once she had put her phone away, Roxy placed both hands on either side of the counter and looked at herself in the mirror, silently trying to understand who she really was behind the image she projected. The same four thoughts kept coming back to her mind.
Get it together, Powell.
You weren't supposed to care.
You weren't supposed to notice her noticing you.
You weren't supposed to feel like this.
She closed her eyes one last time to steady her breathing, which was stuck in her chest. She then took a deep breath in and out, clinging to the sink as if it were the only thing keeping her from flying away.
"You're okay, Roxy, keep calm," she whispered to herself, even though it didn't sound convincing.
After a few seconds, she washed her hands, even though they weren't dirty, but she needed to keep them busy, and her mind too. Then she stood up, smoothed her jacket, and unlocked the door.
Roxy headed straight for the bar. The light seemed dimmer and the noise more distant than when she had left a few minutes earlier. She scanned the bar and there she was still waiting for her.
Ellen looked up just as Roxy took her last few steps, and her expression changed slightly. It was as if something relaxed on her shoulders the moment their eyes met. Roxy slid back into her seat without ever breaking her gaze. "Told you I'd come back," she said, softer than she meant to.
Ellen did the same and held her intensely. "And I told you I'd be here."