CHAPTER 33
ROXY
Sydney, New South Wales, Australia
Although Roxy wasn't counting, it'd been thirty-nine days since she came clean to Ellen. It'd been thirty-nine days since Ellen said she'd never forgive her for spying and messing with her life. Roxy knew that she had stripped away Ellen's last vestiges of innocence.
Roxy respected her wish because she owed her that much, and because she couldn't bear the thought of hearing those words a second time from Ellen's mouth.
And things hadn't been going remarkably for Roxy since then. She hadn't returned to work since her last 'Ghost Protocol' mission, having submitted an official request for leave to the Service when she felt she was being pressured to return to duty.
They called it 'operational decompression leave,' which was just a fancy term for burnout. It was rare and difficult to obtain unless you had done everything they asked of you for years and given them everything, including your heart.
And now, Roxy had nothing left to do with her life except breaking down.
Even though Roxy's life was in ruins, she tried to keep a clear head without doing much else with her days.
She moved back in with him as his best friend.
However, this was not a miracle solution.
Every morning, Roxy woke up too late and wandered silently around the apartment for the rest of the day.
Kimberly, Charles's new girlfriend, was always nice to Roxy. She didn't know the whole story about Roxy—like the slight details about her being a British spy—but she seemed to understand more than she let on.
It also didn't seem to bother her that her new boyfriend's ex-girlfriend, who turned out to be gay, was still living with him in their guest room.
Roxy was aware she was letting herself go in the wrong direction, and on her best days, she tried to reverse the trend. Like this morning when she decided to go to the gym. Except it wasn't to work out.
She went there with only one goal in mind: finding her and trying to move on from Ellen—despite it being the last thing she wanted.
Good for her; the girl was right there, training like usual. The moment Roxy entered the gym, their eyes connected, and the girl's face immediately brightened.
"Roxy," she said after putting everything aside, "I'm really glad to see you. I... uh... thought you were avoiding me." The girl blushed almost instantly.
Roxy forced a smile that could pass for genuine. "Why would I avoid you?"
"I don't know. You stopped showing up after I asked you out, and that's like, a no-brainer," the girl replied with a laugh. "But don't worry, I'm not the type to hold a grudge."
"I was travelling for work and desperately needed to unwind after, you know, my self-discovery," Roxy confessed. "It had zero to do with you, I'm sorry I made you feel that way."
Roxy could see that the girl was trying hard not to smile broadly, which made her even more attractive. She opened her mouth to speak, but the girl was quicker.
"Listen... still keen on that drink? No pressure or anything."
She could say no again, but she came there especially to get that chance to move on. "I think I'd like that," she said. "Are you free tomorrow?"
The girl grinned. "Tomorrow's more than perfect."
***
June 18, 2025
Sydney, New South Wales, Australia
Roxy hadn't slept all night. Instead, she spent it lying on her back, eyes wide open, trying to chase away the thought she was going to betray Ellen once again by going on this date.
Despite all her efforts, every thought brought her back to Ellen.
Maybe listening to SNARL's entire playlist wasn't the brightest idea.
Yet Ellen'd been kind of clear with Roxy: she wanted nothing more to do with "Roxanne."
So, the natural thing to do was to try and move forward, right?
Roxy left her room at 6 p.m. before heading to the club chosen by her date. What she hadn't planned on running into Charles.
"Hey," he said, looking up from his computer. "Going out?"
Charles's gaze was kind, making her feel even more guilty toward him. What had she done to deserve his presence in her life?
"Yes, I do," Roxy began, unable to hide her embarrassment. "I have a date with a girl from the gym. We'll see how it goes."
"Have fun, okay? You deserve it too," he said. "And wipe that sad look off your face."
Roxy couldn't help but smile. Her new relationship with Charles was so… simple. And she felt comfortable confiding in him. "Aren't you at Kimberly's tonight?"
"No, but she'll be coming over later," Charles replied. "Maybe you'll bump into her." A hollow smile, barely reaching her eyes, was all Roxy could muster as she walked through the door.
Walking twenty minutes to the club provided Roxy with an opportunity to clear her head.
And because karma's a real bitch, Roxy just walked past the north entrance to Centennial Park and that little restaurant where she and Ellen went after their run.
Memories of the small, intimate moments she'd shared and stolen with Ellen rushed back, crashing her into the stark reality that she could no longer see her at Ellen's own wishes.
Her thoughts about Ellen had not yet faded when she reached the door of the queer-friendly pub her date had picked.
She had to get rid of them out of respect for her, a decision that felt awkward but necessary.
Roxy resorted to her usual tactic: a fabricated show of confidence that was starting to fray at the edges.
Roxy walked in with a self-possession that was disconcerting—mainly to herself—and spotted her straight away.
She was seated, one leg casually crossed over the other, her fingers delicately holding a fancy cocktail.
Her makeup accentuated her vibrant red lips and twinkling eyes.
There was no denying it: she looked absolutely breathtaking.
She captured the attention of all the other women around her, and Roxy couldn't believe that her first date with a woman since her coming-out was with her.
"There she is," the girl said, rising slightly. "I almost thought you'd bail on me."
Roxy flashed a crooked and flirty smile. "It didn't even cross my mind."
The lie tasted sharp, but it landed easy. She leaned in to kiss her on the cheek before sliding into the chair opposite hers. Roxy's senses were on high alert, with everything she saw, smelled, heard, and felt bombarding her.
"What's your poison tonight?" she asked, beckoning the waitress over. Roxy definitely paid attention to the way she took charge.
"Scotch."
"Predictable, like a proud Scot," said the girl through her grin.
"Mm. You made a lot of assumptions about me based on just one gym conversation."
The girl raised a brow. "What can I say, Roxy? I don't usually notice girls at the gym. You were… impossible not to. I'd been trying to figure out a way to talk to you for weeks."
"Roxy." Hearing that name again by a woman felt weird, since the one who'd made it meaningful no longer wanted anything to do with her.
Did she still deserve it?
Roxy clutched her glass as soon as the waitress gave it to her, focusing her attention on the girl.
A game of seduction began between them, and the conversation absorbed Roxy.
The girl, a civil engineer who worked for the contractor responsible for building Sydney's new airport, talked about how fascinating she found her job and the ways she found to free up time to go to the gym or go road cycling.
She talked lovingly about her niece, detailing the vision of a perfect family life she held for herself and a partner.
In return, Roxy tried not to bore her too much with her usual story about the 'pleasures' of being an industrial safety consultant.
But Roxy didn't really know what else to say.
Years of manipulating reality to get to this point.
Without thinking too much about it, Roxy blurted out, "When it comes to music, I really like SNARL, Blake Voss. There's also Jules Monroe, who I'm becoming more and more interested in."
What the fuck?
"Me too." Smiled the girl. "But at the same time, do you know many lesbians who don't like SNARL? I already have my tickets for their show next November. In fact, I have two tickets, one of which is up for grabs."
It kept going like that for an hour, but Roxy didn't feel like it dragged on. She appreciated the time spent with the girl. The girl finally leaned forward, her elbows resting on the table. "You fascinate me, Roxy. Are you always this hard to figure out?"
"I don't know. You could say that's my something special," Roxy teased.
The girl couldn't help herself, and Roxy noticed, as the girl was biting her lower lip. "Do you want to get out of here?"
"I thought you'd never ask!" Roxy said, snagging her coat.
***
Next thing Roxy knew, she was in an Uber with her, on the way to this stunning woman's house, who was looking at Roxy like she wanted her.
After closing the door behind Roxy, the girl immediately pressed her against the wall and kissed her, getting straight to the point.
Without hesitation, Roxy kissed her back.
It was passionate and powerful. She felt it again, just like when she kissed Ellen—no man had ever brought out such a feeling from her.
But she wasn't Ellen.
Roxy chased that thought away immediately. The girl's hands gripped Roxy's hips, and as the girl pulled her closer, her warm breath brushed against her cheek. Moving toward the sofa, the girl took off her top along the way. It was beautiful and sensual. Just like in Roxy's wildest dreams.
But she wasn't Ellen.
You're not wanted by Ellen, Roxy told herself in her own mind. They continued kissing as the girl's hands slowly and warmly slid under Roxy's shirt. Roxy tried to enjoy every moment.
But. She. Wasn't. Ellen.